This "fuck you" goes out to the three people who 1 year ago through their actions and inaction destroyed a rather large piece of me. I just got back from my therapy session and while my plan was to work on some vocal editing for my new EP, I've decided to confront the 3 people who were instrumental in facilitating the loss of my sexual autonomy.
First of all, I just want to say "Fuck you Chris!" How dare you use your position as a massage therapy student to get me naked and touch me in a context that under ordinary circumstances I would never consent to. You knew that I would never go for a guy like you, so you saw your chance to get a piece of me and took it. Not only that, but you tried to hide behind a veil of ignorance despite the fact that I uncovered your sexual motivations and you admitted them to me during and after the fact. Did you think you could trick me? Did you think that I was that stupid or naive to believe that you were simply touching me in a medically therapeutic way? Fuck you! You're the worst kind of perpetrator. You're the kind that says they're an ally of feminist causes. Someone who claims to stand up against misogyny, but when you violate a woman's sexual autonomy, instead of taking responsibility, you deflect it and try to justify your actions.
Fuck you for contacting my mother and trying to garner her sympathy. How dare you try to manipulate her into thinking that it was a simple misunderstanding. Just because you got suspended from school for a week while they were deciding your professional fate DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE VICTIM. How dare you try to make people feel sorry for you! You're just as bad as every other rapist and sex offender who denies what they did and blames the victim.
Fuck you, you fucking coward!!!
Fuck you Shauna! You're just as culpable as Chris. You were his instructor and you even walked in on what was happening. You were fully aware that Chris had violated professional boundaries. You were apologetic enough to make me feel like you were on my side, but I now realize that you were just doing your due diligence to protect the school from any legal repercussions. You lied when you told me that the school was taking this seriously. Had they taken it seriously Chris would have been expelled. He wasn't, and removing him from the student clinic for a week and providing him with "additional education" is hardly a "serious repercussion." You know what was a serious repercussion though? Slipping into such a horrible depression that I was seriously contemplating suicide this time last year. I fought to live, though and now I'm here to tell you...FUCK YOU!
Fuck you Constable Weise! I'm not entirely confident that you deserve the "fuck you," but since I as a victim have to take one for a justice system that's set up so that we don't condemn the innocent, you're gonna have to take this "fuck you" on behalf of the same justice system that allows victims to be re-victimized. Maybe you did your job to the best of your ability? After all it's the Crown that approves charges, right? Well, you represent the Crown in this case, so you know what? FUCK YOU!!! How much fucking evidence do you need? There was a witness and I even provided you with text messages from Chris where he clearly indicated his sexual intentions! Did you not take this seriously because his penis never penetrated my body? Was it just not worth prosecuting using public funds because it wasn't a violent rape? I can tell you as someone who has been raped that I feel just as violated by this. My sexual autonomy was violated. Period. Maybe you're one of the few lucky women who can't say #MeToo but as far as I'm concerned you are an instrumental cog in the machine that protects sex offenders and allows them to go free while their victims have to live with the aftermath.
To all three of you. My life has been in shambles the past year. My ability to earn an income has been greatly affected due to the impact this has had on my mental and physical health. I've missed a lot of work and work opportunities as a result. This has affected my ability to pay bills and put a significant financial strain on my family. The anxiety and depression I've experienced as a result of this debacle has aggravated my fibromyalgia and caused me to have flare ups that are excruciatingly painful. Every day I'm in agony, and I'm too freaked out now to go see a massage therapist to help me with my physical discomfort.
The loss of sexual confidence I've experienced has made navigating intimate relationships a nightmare. Sex, which was literally the ultimate high for me on a physical, psychological and emotional level, has all but been destroyed. I get no thrill out of it anymore. I've tried doing things to "spice it up" but since you stripped my sexual confidence away, I no longer feel sexually empowered. I feel like an insecure girl in puberty, unsure of herself, sexually frustrated and timid. The worst part is that I'm fully aware of what I've lost and I don't know how I can get it back.
I know this wasn't really post about my music or my art, but what happened to me has impacted me on such a profound level that it does spill into my creative life. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for worse. It depends on the day and if I'm able to overcome the pain and fatigue I feel every morning. So, you know what? I'm going to say "fuck you" on more time. Fuck you pain. Fuck you depression. Fuck you anxiety. Fuck you fibromyalgia. Fuck you lack of sexual confidence. Fuck you criminal justice system. Fuck you sexual perpetrators and your enablers. Fuck you everyone and everything that get in the way of living my life to it's fullest potential!
I feel slightly better now, so I'm gonna go finish up editing a song I wrote when my sexual confidence was still intact. You can preview it here if you want. Peace out.
