Fuck You!

This "fuck you" goes out to the three people who 1 year ago through their actions and inaction destroyed a rather large piece of me. I just got back from my therapy session and while my plan was to work on some vocal editing for my new EP, I've decided to confront the 3 people who were instrumental in facilitating the loss of my sexual autonomy.

First of all, I just want to say "Fuck you Chris!" How dare you use your position as a massage therapy student to get me naked and touch me in a context that under ordinary circumstances I would never consent to. You knew that I would never go for a guy like you, so you saw your chance to get a piece of me and took it. Not only that, but you tried to hide behind a veil of ignorance despite the fact that I uncovered your sexual motivations and you admitted them to me during and after the fact. Did you think you could trick me? Did you think that I was that stupid or naive to believe that you were simply touching me in a medically therapeutic way? Fuck you! You're the worst kind of perpetrator. You're the kind that says they're an ally of feminist causes. Someone who claims to stand up against misogyny, but when you violate a woman's sexual autonomy, instead of taking responsibility, you deflect it and try to justify your actions.

Fuck you for contacting my mother and trying to garner her sympathy. How dare you try to manipulate her into thinking that it was a simple misunderstanding. Just because you got suspended from school for a week while they were deciding your professional fate DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE VICTIM. How dare you try to make people feel sorry for you! You're just as bad as every other rapist and sex offender who denies what they did and blames the victim.
Fuck you, you fucking coward!!!

Fuck you Shauna! You're just as culpable as Chris. You were his instructor and you even walked in on what was happening. You were fully aware that Chris had violated professional boundaries. You were apologetic enough to make me feel like you were on my side, but I now realize that you were just doing your due diligence to protect the school from any legal repercussions. You lied when you told me that the school was taking this seriously. Had they taken it seriously Chris would have been expelled. He wasn't, and removing him from the student clinic for a week and providing him with "additional education" is hardly a "serious repercussion." You know what was a serious repercussion though? Slipping into such a horrible depression that I was seriously contemplating suicide this time last year. I fought to live, though and now I'm here to tell you...FUCK YOU!

Fuck you Constable Weise! I'm not entirely confident that you deserve the "fuck you," but since I as a victim have to take one for a justice system that's set up so that we don't condemn the innocent, you're gonna have to take this "fuck you" on behalf of the same justice system that allows victims to be re-victimized. Maybe you did your job to the best of your ability? After all it's the Crown that approves charges, right? Well, you represent the Crown in this case, so you know what? FUCK YOU!!! How much fucking evidence do you need? There was a witness and I even provided you with text messages from Chris where he clearly indicated his sexual intentions! Did you not take this seriously because his penis never penetrated my body? Was it just not worth prosecuting using public funds because it wasn't a violent rape? I can tell you as someone who has been raped that I feel just as violated by this. My sexual autonomy was violated. Period. Maybe you're one of the few lucky women who can't say #MeToo but as far as I'm concerned you are an instrumental cog in the machine that protects sex offenders and allows them to go free while their victims have to live with the aftermath.

To all three of you. My life has been in shambles the past year. My ability to earn an income has been greatly affected due to the impact this has had on my mental and physical health. I've missed a lot of work and work opportunities as a result. This has affected my ability to pay bills and put a significant financial strain on my family. The anxiety and depression I've experienced as a result of this debacle has aggravated my fibromyalgia and caused me to have flare ups that are excruciatingly painful. Every day I'm in agony, and I'm too freaked out now to go see a massage therapist to help me with my physical discomfort.

The loss of sexual confidence I've experienced has made navigating intimate relationships a nightmare. Sex, which was literally the ultimate high for me on a physical, psychological and emotional level, has all but been destroyed. I get no thrill out of it anymore. I've tried doing things to "spice it up" but since you stripped my sexual confidence away, I no longer feel sexually empowered. I feel like an insecure girl in puberty, unsure of herself, sexually frustrated and timid. The worst part is that I'm fully aware of what I've lost and I don't know how I can get it back.

I know this wasn't really post about my music or my art, but what happened to me has impacted me on such a profound level that it does spill into my creative life. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for worse. It depends on the day and if I'm able to overcome the pain and fatigue I feel every morning. So, you know what? I'm going to say "fuck you" on more time. Fuck you pain. Fuck you depression. Fuck you anxiety. Fuck you fibromyalgia. Fuck you lack of sexual confidence. Fuck you criminal justice system. Fuck you sexual perpetrators and your enablers. Fuck you everyone and everything that get in the way of living my life to it's fullest potential!

I feel slightly better now, so I'm gonna go finish up editing a song I wrote when my sexual confidence was still intact. You can preview it here if you want. Peace out.

The Art Of Sexual Assault

UPDATE January 15, 2017 

Hedonist is the victim impact statement I wrote in the form of song after the police told me that there was nothing they could do for me because they didn't have enough evidence to press charges against my assailant. Sadly, this scenario is all too common even in "progressive" western society.

A Victim Impact Statement Through Art, Music & Video

To say the past month has been rough would be a gross understatement. In a follow up to my recent post Crippling Horrible Depression where I discuss the emotional impact of my recent sexual assault, today I want to touch upon the artistic impact my sexual assaults have had. Yes, you read that correctly...assaults...as in, more than one time. In fact, I've been sexually violated in the criminal sense 6 times in the past 20 years and it does have somewhat of a cumulative effect especially considering that not once, despite filing police reports has it ever led to my assailants being brought up on charges. The disgusting reality is that each and every time, my integrity has come into question and I've been subject to victim blaming and dismissive attitudes by law enforcement and legal professionals.

In many ways being the victim of sex crimes and a failing justice system has shaped me into the type of artist that I am today. I don't paint pretty pictures or write songs about sunny days. Not that there's anything wrong with that kind of art, but if I am going to have these shitty things happen to me I at least want it to count for something. I want to draw attention through my art to social injustices. I want to empower victims to take a stand and speak up. I want young women to know that it is not their fault and it IS a big deal that someone has violated their sexual autonomy. I want comfort my fellow victims and let them know that they are not alone in their pain. I want to call out the powers that be in their failure to protect the public because they're too concerned with protecting their own interests.

In the music video We're All Whore I call out the corrupt justice system that has failed me as a victim of sexual assault time and time again.

A judge is transformed into a twisted version of Lady Justice to show that even the noblest of institution can be corrupted by money and power.

I want to educate the public about sexual assault and it's impacts on society as a whole. What most people picture when you say "sexual assault" is a woman walking alone in a dark place and all of a sudden a man with a weapon jumps out, forces her to the ground, threatens her and rapes her causing massive bodily trauma in the process. While this is a type of sexual assault specifically called aggravated rape it is hardly the most common form of sexual assault. Most sexual assaults involve someone who is already known to the victim. Most sexual assaults involve coercion and manipulation of the victim.

Not all sexual assaults are rape, but ALL sexual assaults involve a lack of consent. Of the six incidents of sexual assault happened to me 3 involved non consentual vaginal penetration but only 2 would be considered rape. Of the two times I was raped both times it was by someone I was well acquainted with. In fact one of my assailants was a domestic partner. Only 2 out of the six times I was assaulted, it was by a stranger. 3 out of the 6 times it happened was in a workplace situation. One time it was within the medical profession while I was seeking treatment for my fibromyalgia.

Each time it's happened it takes a bit to process what just happened to me. My initial reaction is that of shock, then I feel like throwing up, then I feel fear, then anger, then confusion, then disbelief until I run through the incident in my head again and realize that yes, that really did happen to me again. Then I have to decide what I'm going to do about it. Do I let it go,or do I confront my assailant, or do I report it? 4 out of the six times I reported what happened to me and 4 out of 4 times nothing happened as far as legal consequences of any kind for my assailants. Disappointed doesn't even begin to explain the tornado of emotion that has raged in me each an every time I have experienced this injustice. 

In the Hedonist music video I use surgery as a visual metaphor for sexual assault

A victim lays helpless on the operating table while the assailant cuts into her violating her physical autonomy.

The idea was to capture the impact of sexual assualt on the victim's entire being through violent imagery. I want to show the audience that "this is how it feels. You're stuck, powerless and someone has control over your body and the trauma of the event will continue to haunt your soul"

What makes the experience of being sexually assaulted and not having acknowledged and legitimzed through the criminal justice system even more infuriating is knowing that something like this has happened to every woman I know! I know the official North American statistic is that 1 in 4 women experience sexual assault, but it's gotta be higher. Either way, it's a serious social problem and it has to change! Too many of us victims don't tell anyone that it happened. Too many of us just sweep it under the rug and try to just "get on" with our lives. Too many of us feel guilt, shame and blame ourselves for what happened. Too many of us don't report it to the proper authorities or if we do, it's been such a long time that all the evidence has disappeared. Too many of us think that because we weren't "raped" that we have less of a right to feel violated.

I want to encourage other victims to talk about it, report it and even if they don't see any justice through our broken legal system to write a victim impact statement as they would do if their case actually went to court. I write my victim impact statements through my art and music. It's how I work through it. My painting, song and music video Hedonist is my victim impact statement. Through words and images I acknowledge what happened and it's profound effect on every aspect of my life and the people closest to me. Writing a victim impact statement doesn't have to be a work of art, but trust me that getting it out has been therapeutic and healing. I encourage everyone to write one no matter how long ago it happened and no matter what the legal outcome was.

Sexual assault and it's aftermath has a snowball affect on it's victims. It leads to mental health issues, which can lead to self destructive behaviour like eating disorders, self harm and substance abuse. Addiction is a massive social problem and studies of female addicts have shown that almost 100% have suffered sexual abuse. The mental health issues experienced by sexual assault victims can impede their ability to earn a living and be productive members of society. So, it's not just the victims(at least 25% of women) who suffer, but society as a whole.

The imagery in the music video Hedonist is designed to show the complexity of the relationship between sexual abuse, mental illness and addiction.

The bottom line is that if you are a victim of ANY form of sexual assault I encourage you to make as much noise about it as possible. Report it to the police. Write a victim impact statement even if it doesn't go to court. If you feel you justice wasn't served or you weren't taken seriously, go to the media. Talk to a lawyer to see what your legal options are. Fight back! Tell someone you trust. Hell! Email me about it at borgqueenmusic@gmail.com I'll listen to you, even if no one else does.

If someone close to you was sexually assaulted encourage them to do all of the above and hold their hand through it all so that they know they're not alone.

Crippling Horrible Depression

The clouds are so thick that all I can feel is the ultraviolet radiation permeating my skin, damaging me on a cellular level. A walk through the forest draws my attention to the soil erosion around the root systems a grim reminder that the air filling my lungs is now contains 400ppm of carbon. This is the nature of depression. It is all consuming. A dark fog that won't lift, and I used to be able to see the beauty in a foggy day. Maybe it's just because there have been so many foggy days lately that I've forgotten that there is a world outside of the dark cloud that surrounds me.

Three weeks ago I was sexually assaulted. The life has just been sucked right out of me, but I tell myself that I have to keep emulating the behavior of the living. I tell myself that if I can just keep pretending to live that I'll feel alive again. If it were just the heartbreak of losing my partner, or simply coping with having a chronic illness or even if all I had to deal with was the psychological and legal fallout of being sexually assaulted then I feel as if I could stitch together enough broken pieces of myself to resemble a functional person.

So what do I do? Life doesn't just stop because I've lost the ability to function. Life goes on, right? Besides, there are so many things I have to get done. I have to finish filming music videos. I have to finish the artwork layout for my CD's. I have to fulfill all my crowdfunding perks. I have to start on a PR campaign for my album release. I have to start organizing a live show. I have to keep start recording my new EP...the list goes on and on, just like life. How do I accomplish all of this when my body is in so much agony that I can barely move and my mind is so foggy that I'm not even aware of my own thoughts half the time. It's taken me 4 days to write this tiny little blog post because it's so hard to focus.

So why even write a post like this? Well, the answer is the same as to the question, "why write songs and paint pictures of dark subject matter?" The answer is that we all will suffer as human beings. Many times our suffering will be inflicted upon us for no discernable reason. This is the nature of our physical existence, but like everything else in this physical existence, suffering is not permanent either. We're also not alone in our suffering. There is always someone out there who understands, we just need to reach out and ask for help.

Will I always feel like this? Logically speaking...no, I won't even though right now it feels like I'll never feel joy again. I just have to remember that I haven't always felt like this so chances are that this too shall pass.