I'm slipping again it would seem, back into a very dark place. A place I have been before, but never want to go back to again. The place I'm talking about is my state of mind on the evening of November 7th, 2016. I want to tell you about it because it's important to talk about these things and it serves as a reminder for me in the dark times that there is always a way through. Welcome to one of the darkest moments of the darkest year in the history of my life. Last year sucked. I lost my partner and best friend to addiction. My health condition(fibromyalgia) took a turn for the worse diminishing my ability to earn money and then to top it all off I got sexually assaulted.
My lowest point was the evening of November 7th while I was lying down on the couch in my living room alone. I was physically incapacitated, emotionally burdened and mentally drained. As I was assessing the state of my being I wondered to myself if my life had any value left. If I wasn't able to be productive and create then I would be unable to accomplish my life's purpose which is to contribute in a positive way to the betterment of society using my skills and talents.
I found the prospect of having no purpose to my life so painful that I no longer felt I could live. I started googling "painless methods of suicide." I stumbled across a website that listed various suicide methods categorizing them by level of pain, effectiveness and how long it takes to die. Right away I noticed a correlation between pain level and effectiveness. The more effective the method the more painful it was. This was disappointing news indeed. I was prepared to die, but I did not want my last moments on this earth to be full of agony.
That's when I had an epiphany. I was more afraid of pain than death. I didn't truly want to end my life, but I wanted to end my suffering, my fear, my uncertainty and hopelessness. I felt powerless under the weight of my circumstances and killing myself was a way of reclaiming that power. I felt that by taking my own life nothing or nobody else could hurt me anymore. I would never feel pain, sadness or fear. In that moment of despair I came to another realization, I was not being overwhelmed by life, but rather by my emotions. The thing about emotions though is that they are temporary, and while they influence our perception of reality, emotions are not reality. The tangible facts of a situation are reality and emotions dictate how we perceive those facts.
An analogy I like to use, is to look at facts like they're a potato and emotions like they're seasoning. A potato on it's own is bland and boring, it is the seasoning that gives it flavor. We can season a potato many ways and some flavors will make it taste appealing and other flavors will make it repulsive, but despite altering the flavor of the potato, it will still be a potato, it will still possess all the physical and nutritional properties of a potato. Emotions make our lives more interesting, but we cannot dwell on them otherwise the will distort our perception of reality.
So here I am now in a dark place. I'm sick, bed-ridden and at the mercy of fibromyalgia and a virus. My emotions are that of sadness and frustration because I can't do anything creatively productive and I'm consumed by fear that I will not be able to earn enough money to stay afloat and put together my live show in time. If I allow myself to dwell on these emotions it will only lead to hopelessness and I will cripple myself. What I need to remind myself of is the facts. The facts are that if I give myself a couple days to recover I will have energy again and the means to continue along the path I have forged for myself. Every time I am feeling overwhelmed by my circumstances I remind myself of that dark moment in November 2016 when I was so overwhelmed by sadness and pain that I felt that I could no longer live. I remind my self of the epiphany that was revealed to me so that I can shift my perspective and ground myself in reality.
I'm sharing this incredibly personal story with you because maybe it might help you. My purpose as an artist is to share my experiences through my music and art to those who may feel isolated depressed and alone. To show solidarity to everyone that they are not alone in their struggles. To show them that despite how bleak their situation may seem, that they should never give up and become consumed by their sadness and despair.
Emotions pass, and time heals wounds, but in the meantime how do we cope with strong emotion with out suppressing it or succumbing to the distorted thinking it tends to incite? I'm not a mental health professional, but I've struggled with mental health issues and in the treatment process have sought plenty of professional help, so the advice I'm relaying to you is me reiterating what I've been told by clinical counselors and psychologists throughout my lifetime. What I'm about to tell you is a layperson's summary of professional advice and my own personal methods of implementing the advice, it is not a substitution for seeking professional help. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, get emergency professional/medical help right away. Call 911, your local emergency number or a crisis line in your area. That being said, I hope reading this might be a helpful starting point.
Two Things I Do To Cope With Powerful Emotions
1. Acknowledge It
It's hard to do sometimes, but admitting how out of control your emotions are is the first step. You can do this by talking to someone you trust or simply acknowledging it to yourself. Saying it out loud or writing it down tends to work best for me and sometimes it becomes a song or a painting. The EP I'm currently working on called Blood, Sweat Tears is 5 songs of admitting the deepest darkest thoughts and emotions that built up over the past couple years. Admitting it all to myself while difficult was incredibly freeing. Whatever your method is, it is important to just get it out there. It's the first step to getting help. While doing this it's important not to beat yourself up. Just admit how your are feeling. Analyzing the "why" can come later.
2. Channel It Constructively
Once you start acknowledging how you feel, you tend to open up a floodgate of emotions and it needs to be channeled constructively so that you don't suppress it again or take it out on the people around you. For me personally the process of composing music and singing expends and releases all the emotional energy leaving room for rational though and allowing me to problem solve more effectively. Not everyone has a creative outlet, but physical activity even if it's just going for a walk is very effective for releasing emotional energy. Everyone is different, but after you've purged your body and mind of the overwhelming emotion it's a lot easier to focus on the facts of your situation and begin to start finding rational solutions for your problems.
 |
Art for me has always been a constructive way of dealing with my emotions, it serves double duty in helping me both admit what I'm feeling and then channeling my energy into the creative process of painting, songwriting, singing and performing. The above painting is called The Bottom Of The Glass. It's my admission of pain, depression and despair from a time in my life when I felt trapped in the vicious substance abuse. Prints are available on my website for $20. |
This is the song The Bottom Of The Glass from my new album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles. Digital copies can be purchased on my website and also iTunes.
In conclusion I just wanted to let you know that no matter how bleak things may seem, there is always hope and you are never truly alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment