To Thine Own Self Be True

When I sit in stillness and call out to infinity

I ask, "what can I do to fulfill my purpose?"

The voice answers my cry every time and says, "Just be."

I was sitting on an old cedar log in the woods when the words above and below came to me. The tree that was now a rotting "nursery log" with new trees growing out of it got me thinking that no matter where we are in our life cycle we always have a purpose. So I scrawled down the words below, so I could turn them into one of those branded inspirational meme things that people seem to love(or hate).

The hardest part is knowing who you are. There are so many voices telling us throughout life who we are because of what we are. We get told by society, our parents, teachers and authority figures who we are and those early influences hold so many pre-conceived notions of who we are simply because of what we are. By what, I mean our gender, age, race, nationality, social status etc.

The second hardest part is figuring out what to do. The decisions we make in life are very much influenced by who we believe ourselves to be. If we've been influenced our entire lives by other people's opinions of who we are then what we do is also going to be determined by other people. See the problem here?

So let's go back to the "Who are you" question...only YOU can answer that. By who you are I don't mean what is your job title, relationship status, gender or race. Who you are is intrinsic. You can call it your spirit or soul or consciousness depending on your system of beliefs. The point is that it would remain the same if it were to be transplanted into another body, in another place and time. It is the essence of YOU! Nobody can tell you who you are. You just are. You are a unique individual and therefore you realize that just being who you are on your own is enough, it's time to decide where and how you're going to be your badass self.

There may be some limitations on what you can do or at least the capacity in which way you go about it. Those limits can be:

- Physical

- Circumstancial

- Technological

- Societal

- Personal

- Relational

- Financial

I believe the greatest limitation is the physical element of time. There simply isn't enough time to do everything we can or want to do. So the starting point in figuring out what to do could be to ask yourself, "What is the most worthwhile use of my time?"

There are a lot of things a person can do with their time, but determining which ones or the most worthwhile is key. I chose to be an artist rather than a lawyer or scientist because I felt it was a better use of my time. My ability to analyze, interpret and communicate could have been put to good use in the legal or scientific research fields, but I felt that in combination with my other skills and interests being an artist ultimately is a more worthwhile use of my time. 

Where we fulfill our life's purpose is one of those things in which we have the least amount of choice. We have no choice under what circumstances we are born. The country, moment in history, who are parents are and the choices other people make impact our lives and we don't have any control over those factors. Life isn't fair. Some of us are born into far more favorable circumstances than others, but no matter where we are in life, we can still fulfill our purpose as long as we don't lose sight of WHO we are. 

Like my blog? Then, you probably would enjoy my project Borg Queen. It's all my artistic and technical disciplines wrapped into one project that includes music, visual and performance art. Sign up to my mailing list and get 4 of my songs for FREE!

What Matters Most

Life is not without it's challenges. As a privileged North American, I've grown accustomed to living a life of convenience. Our entire economy is driven by industries who pedal products and services aimed at making every interaction in our lives more convenient. Obviously, this has it's advantages, but there is a serious problem that has arisen from it. We have come to view challenges not as an opportunity for growth, but rather see them as grave injustices that we don't deserve to be subject to.

In the past week I've encountered some very significant challenges. Specifically, I'm being drawn back into a legal battle with my ex husband for the 4th time since I left him. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm due to release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears in March and there are several costly steps involved in that process. Having to go to court again is going to deplete my resources, and I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to get everything done in time for the release. Going to court costs money and time. The financial cost is an annoyance, but what really pisses me off is the amount of time I'm going to have to dedicate to dealing with a person who seemingly takes a perverse pleasure in making my life more difficult.

This is where my resolve begins to falter and I am tempted to adopt a victim mentality. I ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he just leave me alone? Is it not enough that he controlled my life for 7 years? Is it not enough that he has never had to face the legal consequences of inflicting violence one me? Is it not enough that he is still able to control me to some degree through our son?" While it is a fact that I was a victim of his physical and psychological violence, I cannot allow myself to become a victim of my circumstances. Is it fair that I have to keep dealing with someone who has abused me for years? No, but life isn't fair and I shouldn't expect it to be fair or easy.

I am discouraged at the moment, but I cannot allow myself to wallow. I have to remind myself of the things that really do matter and let go of my attachments. Because I let go of my attachment to money several years ago, the financial repercussions of this legal battle aren't something that I'm going to worry myself sick over. What I am really struggling with is the time I'm going to have to sacrifice. I feel like my time could be better spent working on my EP release.

Ultimately it's my attachment to my identity as an artist that I need to let go of. I'm angry because I've worked so hard up to this point and I feel like it's all falling apart at the most critical moment. What I really need to remember is that my identity as an artist is not what matters. What matters is how I use my art to affect the world around me. Being an artist doesn't matter unless it has a positive impact on people's lives. Period.

I am grateful for an upcoming opportunity that I have to exhibit my art at the Taboo Show in Vancouver from February 2nd-4th. I'm sure my ego will be stroked by the experience and I'll make some money from selling prints, but what matters most is the connection I'll make with people by sharing my story of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. It's a story that I chose to share with the world because I wanted to give people hope. I want show them that their value is not determined by their job, social status, abilities or wealth. Value is intrinsic and no person or life circumstance can take that away.

Follow this link for more information about the event

Finding Purpose

If you read my last post I mentioned that I felt compelled to make a booklet of my art and lyrics from Sex Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles to give as a gift to the women I've shared the stage with over the years to give some higher purpose to my art and the relationships I formed in the exotic entertainment industry. I wrote a dedication to my stripper sisters in the hopes that my experience in the industry plus my personal struggles with addiction and mental illness could serve as a reminder of hope in dark times. You can download a pdf copy of the booklet below or read the dedication in my last post

click to download pdf

Over the past few days I distributed the booklet and the response far exceeded my expectations. One woman sent me this that has really stuck with me over the past few days.

What resonated was she thanked me for giving purpose to what we do. It may seem odd think that there's a purpose to being a stripper other than making money, but there can be a purpose to any experience if we see our lives as purposeful. Every experience whether good or bad has purpose. Even the so-called bad things, poor choices and challenges can be turned into something positive. Difficult times can ultimately make us stronger, wiser and more compassionate if we choose to look outward rather than inward. If we choose learn from hard times, we can implement that knowledge to better ourselves and ultimately the world around us.

I truly believe that our time here on this planet can serve a greater purpose than perpetuating the cycle of acquiring material wealth, procreating and passing on our material assets to the next generation. I believe that every person has value and that value is not determined by their income potential, but rather who they are and what makes them unique.

A Matter Of Perspective

I'm slipping again it would seem, back into a very dark place. A place I have been before, but never want to go back to again. The place I'm talking about is my state of mind on the evening of November 7th, 2016.  I want to tell you about it because it's important to talk about these things and it serves as a reminder for me in the dark times that there is always a way through. Welcome to one of the darkest moments of the darkest year in the history of my life. Last year sucked. I lost my partner and best friend to addiction.  My health condition(fibromyalgia) took a turn for the worse diminishing my ability to earn money and then to top it all off I got sexually assaulted. 

My lowest point was the evening of November 7th while I was lying down on the couch in my living room alone. I was physically incapacitated, emotionally burdened and mentally drained. As I was assessing the state of my being I wondered to myself if my life had any value left. If I wasn't able to be productive and create then I would be unable to accomplish my life's purpose which is to contribute in a positive way to the betterment of society using my skills and talents.

I found the prospect of having no purpose to my life so painful that I no longer felt I could live. I started googling "painless methods of suicide." I stumbled across a website that listed various suicide methods categorizing them by level of pain, effectiveness and how long it takes to die. Right away I noticed a correlation between pain level and effectiveness. The more effective the method the more painful it was. This was disappointing news indeed. I was prepared to die, but I did not want my last moments on this earth to be full of agony.

That's when I had an epiphany. I was more afraid of pain than death. I didn't truly want to end my life, but I wanted to end my suffering, my fear, my uncertainty and hopelessness. I felt powerless under the weight of my circumstances and killing myself was a way of reclaiming that power. I felt that by taking my own life nothing or nobody else could hurt me anymore. I would never feel pain, sadness or fear. In that moment of despair I came to another realization, I was not being overwhelmed by life, but rather by my emotions. The thing about emotions though is that they are temporary, and while they influence our perception of reality, emotions are not reality. The tangible facts of a situation are reality and emotions dictate how we perceive those facts.

An analogy I like to use, is to look at facts like they're a potato and emotions like they're seasoning. A potato on it's own is bland and boring, it is the seasoning that gives it flavor. We can season a potato many ways and some flavors will make it taste appealing and other flavors will make it repulsive, but despite altering the flavor of the potato, it will still be a potato, it will still possess all the physical and nutritional properties of a potato. Emotions make our lives more interesting, but we cannot dwell on them otherwise the will distort our perception of reality.

So here I am now in a dark place. I'm sick, bed-ridden and at the mercy of fibromyalgia and a virus. My emotions are that of sadness and frustration because  I can't do anything creatively productive and I'm consumed by fear that I will not be able to earn enough money to stay afloat and put together my live show in time. If I allow myself to dwell on these emotions it will only lead to hopelessness and I will cripple myself. What I need to remind myself of is the facts. The facts are that if I give myself a couple days to recover I will have energy again and the means to continue along the path I have forged for myself. Every time I am feeling overwhelmed by my circumstances I remind myself of that dark moment in November 2016 when I was so overwhelmed by sadness and pain that I felt that I could no longer live. I remind my self of the epiphany that was revealed to me so that I can shift my perspective and ground myself in reality.

I'm sharing this incredibly personal story with you because maybe it might help you. My purpose as an artist is to share my experiences through my music and art to those who may feel isolated depressed and alone. To show solidarity to everyone that they are not alone in their struggles. To show them that despite how bleak their situation may seem, that they should never give up and become consumed by their sadness and despair. 

Emotions pass, and time heals wounds, but in the meantime how do we cope with strong emotion with out suppressing it or succumbing to the distorted thinking it tends to incite? I'm not a mental health professional, but I've struggled with mental health issues and in the treatment process have sought plenty of professional help, so the advice I'm relaying to you is me reiterating what I've been told by clinical counselors and psychologists throughout my lifetime. What I'm about to tell you is a layperson's summary of professional advice and my own personal methods of implementing the advice, it is not a substitution for seeking professional help. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, get emergency professional/medical help right away. Call 911, your local emergency number or a crisis line in your area. That being said, I hope reading this might be a helpful starting point.

Two Things I Do To Cope With Powerful Emotions

1. Acknowledge It

It's hard to do sometimes, but admitting how out of control your emotions are is the first step. You can do this by talking to someone you trust or simply acknowledging it to yourself. Saying it out loud or writing it down tends to work best for me and sometimes it becomes a song or a painting. The EP I'm currently working on called Blood, Sweat Tears is 5 songs of admitting the deepest darkest thoughts and emotions that built up over the past couple years. Admitting it all to myself while difficult was incredibly freeing. Whatever your method is, it is important to just get it out there. It's the first step to getting help. While doing this it's important not to beat yourself up. Just admit how your are feeling. Analyzing the "why" can come later.

2. Channel It Constructively

Once you start acknowledging how you feel, you tend to open up a floodgate of emotions and it needs to be channeled constructively so that you don't suppress it again or take it out on the people around you. For me personally the process of composing music and singing expends and releases all the emotional energy leaving room for rational though and allowing me to problem solve more effectively. Not everyone has a creative outlet, but physical activity even if it's just going for a walk is very effective for releasing emotional energy. Everyone is different, but after you've purged your body and mind of the overwhelming emotion it's a lot easier to focus on the facts of your situation and begin to start finding rational solutions for your problems.

Art for me has always been a constructive way of dealing with my emotions, it serves double duty in helping me both admit what I'm feeling and then channeling my energy into the creative process of painting, songwriting, singing and performing. The above painting is called The Bottom Of The Glass. It's my admission of pain, depression and despair from a time in my life when I felt trapped in the vicious substance abuse. Prints are available on my website for $20.

This is the song The Bottom Of The Glass from my new album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles. Digital copies can be purchased on my website and also iTunes.

In conclusion I just wanted to let you know that no matter how bleak things may seem, there is always hope and you are never truly alone.