Rewiring Childhood

I haven't done anything artistically significant (by my own definition) in a while. Some might argue that working as a concept illustrator on Arrow for the past 2 years and and playing a show this past weekend are artistically significant, but by my impossibly high standards for myself I am doing the bare minimum. I spend most of my time in a state of introspection. I am working on healing my mind, body, soul and spirit. This is no easy task because for years I abused myself and have been subjected to the abuse of others. We all have, to varying degrees of course, but not one of us has come into adulthood unscathed. 

The ways in which we abuse ourselves are fascinating because the root is often not apparent. The origins of our self abuse stems from our childhood. Since many of us don't remember much from our early years, it may be hard to figure out where these destructive thought patterns which feed our destructive behaviors and toxic relationships came from. The point of discovering our dysfunctional origin is not to lay blame and absolve ourselves of responsibility, but rather to challenge those things that were said and done to us so that we can break the grip they still have on our lives today. We are essentially rewiring our brains by doing this.

I'll give you an example. My entire sense of self worth has come from the idea that I am intelligent, creative, artistically talented and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. This has hammered into me by my parents and affirmed by my teachers and peers. Even the kids who didn't like me and were super cruel to me still conceded that I was smart and talented. I may not have had friends, but at least I had a sharp mind and I could wow people with my artistic talents. As a result, I began to equate admiration with affection, but I rarely connected with anyone on a deep personal level. I never felt loved and accepted for who I was at my core. I derived my sense of value from my abilites and how much people admired me for them even if they didn't necessarily know me or even like me. I never learned to let anyone in and what intimacy really is. 

Now it's time to rewire. I'm beginning to see how years of placing my sense of self worth in my abilites isn't sustainable. In this stage of my life having a chronic illness and a host of mental health issues has diminished my ability to be this highly intelligent, extraordinary artist, who's a creative force to be reckoned with. I'm having to learn to derive my worth elsewhere and that's an uncomfortable place to be. I'm having to be compassionate with myself which is something I never learned in my childhood. I have to rewire that thought path in my mind that tells me "I have to exceed my previous achievements to have value." I'm working on changing that thought pattern to "I am enough as I am right now and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be." 

Nobody ever said anything like that to me as a kid so the thought had never occurred to me. The first time I heard it something along the lines that my worth doesn't come from my talents and abilities, I rejected it. I'm still having a tough time believing it, but I'm determined to change and grow. Change and growth takes time though. I have been making a concentrated effort to not do anything spectacular(by my old standard) yet still affirm that I am just as valuable, loveable and worthy of connection. Rewiring is hard work.

Mind Your Own Business

"Mind Your Own Business" was the topic of discussion this week in one of my recovery groups. I can't tell you specifically which fellowship it is because we agree to a policy anonymity. What I will say is the thing we all have in common in this group was that we have all been affected by someone else's substance use and in our attempts to help our loved one, we have neglected ourselves. So in this weeks meeting we shared our thoughts on what "Mind Your On Business" means and how we implement it in our own life.

For me, minding my own business is two fold principle:

1. Do Not Try To Control Others

Have you ever tried to change someone's mind? Were you successful? Probably not, and if they did change their mind it's because they chose to change their mind. They were likely presented with information that they considered carefully and then drew their own conclusions. Changing someone's behavior is even more impossible than changing someone's mind because the only person who change their behavior is themselves. We have a saying in my fellowship as it pertains to our loved one's substance use. "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it." This mantra can be applied to literally every behavior, not just substance use. 

Imagine how much more time and energy you would have to make a positive impact in the world if: 

a. You stopped trying to change other people's behavior
b. Only tried to improve and regulate yourself

2. Take Responsibility For Myself

So, for me the second part of minding my own business is to define what is my OWN business. My first duty is to look after myself. This doesn't mean I don't care about others. It just means that my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are my priority. 

As a parent I set a poor example to my children if I neglect myself. It's important for them to see a woman who respects herself enough to engage in a regular self care routine and set healthy boundaries. Witnessing this behavior at home teaches my kids that I am not here for their convenience and that bodily autonomy and mental wellness is paramount.

Setting healthy boundaries is a huge part of minding my own business and the biggest thing I've learned about boundaries is that they are about regulating my behavior and not someone else's. Here are some examples of my personal boundaries. Notice how all of them are about my behavior so that they are 100% enforceable by me.

1. I am responsible for managing my medical condition

2. I am financially autonomous, so that financial considerations won't dictate my relationship choices

3. I am not currently seeking an intimate partnership

4. My daily self care routine is a priority

Regulating my own behavior may not be easy, but it's a hell of a lot more effective than wasting my time and energy trying to improve another person. The great thing about boundaries that involve just myself is that I can change them at any time and not have to consult anyone else about it. When I mind my own business consistently, I notice an increase in my energy and peace of mind and this allows me to be more productive and contribute to the world around me in a positive way. 

I'll be honest for the past few years I did not mind my own business and paid the price heavily. I sacrificed my mental health and autonomy because I felt like minding someone else's business was the "right thing to do." I wrote my song Vampires out of the frustration I was feeling within my situation. Growing up female the message you're sent is that you are supposed to be nurturing, compassionate and self-sacrificing when it come to your family. While unconditional love and compassion are noble pursuit, they should never be used an excuse to accept a situation that is harmful to your health or dignity.

If you're interested in discussing any of these points further, feel free to shoot me an email because I'd love to hear from you borgqueenmusic@gmail.com

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Ups & Downs

Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

"Life is full of ups and downs" is what I tell myself when I'm in a slump. I find it helps me broaden my perspective and get unstuck when I find myself paralyzed by the effects on mental illness. If you're a fellow sufferer then you know the vicious cycle of feeling so shitty you can't seem to do anything proactive to change your situation which in turn makes you feel even more useless and shitty.

This cycle pretty much sums up my past week. I'm writing this post from my chip crumb filled bed and wearing my depression pants that really needed laundering 5 days ago. So, what happened? I was implementing a really consistent self care routine and starting to reap the benefits, then BOOM! I hit a wall.

First of all, I pushed myself too hard with working 12 hour days and making my Mummo's documentary. I didn't take the time to swim or meditate and my fibromyalgia flared up. Secondly, instead of stepping up my self care game, I let it slide completely. I started compulsively comfort eating, which made me even more tired. Being tired feeds my depression because I feel completely unmotivated to do anything beneficial for myself. Now I'm wallowing and feeling stuck, but you know what? I'm owning it because life is full of ups and downs and this is a down. Denying my feelings or feeling guilty about depression won't change what is. Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

Sure there are things out of my control, like other people's actions and the fact that I was born with a neurotransmitter imbalance, and these factors sometimes make it difficult to cope. However, there have been times when I have been able to "rise above" my circumstances and experience serenity, contentment and even happiness. I just have to remind myself that it's ok to have bad days or weeks or even months. Hell, I've had bad years...2016-2018 I'm looking at you, but I've also had moments of joy and experienced contentment because life is full of ups and downs.

Remembering My Dearly Departed

I'm definitely experiencing grief right now. My Mummo, Meimi Lahti died April 3, 2019. She was 91 and had lived a good long life. While I am very sad that I'll never see her in this physical life again her death is by no means a tragedy. Still, I'm profoundly sad and it will take some time to process the grief and adjust to life without her.

I have to say that I'm definitely dealing with her death in a much healthier way than when my dad died. I've been going through a recovery process and part of that for me is acknowledging my emotions rather than burying them. When my dad died, I didn't even cry despite the fact that we were incredibly close. I didn't want to process his death. It was too much for me to handle at the time. It's taken years to let him go, but last year I finally was able to.

Because of the profound impact he had on my life and also the way I dealt with his death I want to base one of my upcoming Borg Queen projects on the way I dealt with his loss. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but needless to say it's going to be a massive project and I have a couple things I want to get done first.

If you read my previous post, you'll have heard the song I recorded in Finnish to honor my Mummo's memory. I wanted to do something meaningful and organically inspired for my triumphant return to working on Borg Queen stuff again. As you may know I was on a bit of a hiatus for mental health reasons. What you may not know is that while recording a new song I also put together a documentary of my Mummo's life. I premiered it this past Saturday at her memorial and it was a big hit.

The reason for creating is was multipurpose just like pretty much everything else I created. Firstly, I wanted to use my talents and skills to honor my Mummo's memory. Second of all, I did it for the rest of my family, especially my mom and brother. They helped me make it by narrating their experiences with my Mummo. Finally, I wanted to make something that people could genuinely enjoy watching at the memorial service. Ever been to a memorial and had to sit through a 20 minute slide show of every photo ever taken of the deceased? I know I have, and to be honest after the first 4 minutes it's boring as fuck. I didn't want to subject the guests to another boring slide show so I decided to make a documentary. At the very end I included my eulogy for my Mummo and my new song as part of the sound track. Here it is.

Borg Queen Resurrected

If you follow me and my artistic adventures, you may have noticed that my online activity substantially decreased. I'll be honest, I really hate social media and I only use it to connect with fans. I've had to put Borg Queen on the back burner since November 2018 because I was burnt out and in a really unhealthy place. My primary focus for the past several months has been recovery and establishing healthier habits and a self care routine, but I've also been working as a concept artist on the CW series Arrow. 

Though life is far from perfect and my circumstances haven't changed I've learned healthier ways of coping. Rather than bury myself with work and binge on my various vices I take time every day to swim and meditate. I've learned to ask for help rather than just try to do everything myself. I've stopped trying to fix other people's problems and focus only on improving and regulating myself. It hasn't been easy, and old habits are hard to break, but I've definitely noticed that I'm enjoying more serenity and obsessing less over situations that I have no control over. I'm slowly starting to come back.

A month ago my Mummo(Finnish grandma) died, and instead of stuffing my feelings I've allowed myself to greive and acknowledge the plethora of emotions that goes along with losing a loved one as uncomfortable as it may be at times. I decided that my return to Borg Queen should be gradual and organic and working through my Mummo's death has allowed me to return in exactly that way. 

I recorded a song in Finnish which is my first language. My Mummo despite living in Canada for 50 years never learned to speak English so if I wanted to talk to her it had to be in Finnish. My last moments with her were spent at her bed side singing a song to her in Finnish that I had sung at a Finnish Christmas concert when I was 4. The song was called Suojelusenkeli which means guardian angel. It was written by Finnish poet Immi Hellen in 1884 in a time when it was common for people to die in infancy and childhood. The song is about a child traveling in the dark abyss of the afterlife who is guided home by a guardian angel.

Mental Health Matters

My 2nd cousin died from an overdose a couple days ago. It's affected me in a very profound way even though I barely knew him. In fact, the last time I saw him was at his brother's memorial service 11 years ago. His brother incidentally died from an alcohol related accident. I'm extremely sad for their parents who have now lost two of their children, but I'm also angry. I'm angry because of the way we as a society stigmatize and treat people who abuse substances. We shame them. We blame them. We tell them things like "you're strong" and "you got this" and it's not helpful. If they were strong and could cope with their issues, they wouldn't be self-medicating.

Substance abuse and self-medication are a symptom of unchecked mental issues, and mental health is not just an issue for those who suffer from it's various conditions. It affects everyone. In a way, poor mental health is contagious. Being close to someone who suffers from poor mental health will eventually take it's toll on everyone around them. In my life right now the 5 people closest to me(including myself) are suffering from mental health issues. I know there's at least one person in your life that's dealing with something too. It may even be you.

"Mental health is a personal, relationship, family and community issue"

Personal

I have battled depression since childhood. The war against depression is not over, but I'm still here, so it means that I've won every battle so far. At least that's the way I like to look at it. So, if you're reading this and you suffer from a mental health condition it means that you're a warrior. I can tell you from personal experience that it's a lot more effective to fight a mental health battle with an army. If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health condition I strongly suggest seeking professional help. It may be one professional like a counselor or a team that includes a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist and/or social worker too. These professionals are experts in the field of 'broken people.' If your car is broken, you take it to a mechanic, right? You probably wouldn't just let it sit there and complain about it on Facebook. Well, maybe you would, but it wouldn't fix the car. The point is, seeking professional help is the first step to getting healthy.

I can also tell you from personal experience that multiple weapons for combating mental illness have more success in the long term than a singular approach. Medication may be helpful to balance brain chemistry, but so is regular exercise and proper nutrition. Relaxation techniques like yoga, deep breathing and meditation combat the physical effects of stress that aggravate mental illness. Having an emotional outlet is really important too. This could be talking to someone you trust or writing your thoughts feelings down. It's important to get them out. Personally, I see a counselor and I channel my demons into music and art. What I've learned over the years that I've had to fight my depression is the more weapons in my arsenal, the more successful I am.

Relationships

Relationship breakdowns usually involve mental health issues. It may be one or both parties. Any relationship I've had that's gone horribly wrong whether it be friendship, romantic or even business, poor mental health has played the biggest role. The thing about relationships is that they involve 2 parties and not just one, so even if one party is taking care of their mental health the relationship will still be toxic if the other party has unchecked mental health issues. 

The thing to remember about any relationship is that you are only responsible for yourself. If the other person in the relationship isn't taking responsibility for their own mental health, it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship and put some boundaries in place to preserve your own mental health. Putting up boundaries is hard. Sometimes it means limiting or cutting off contact with a person you love deeply until they decide to seek help.The old saying is true, "When you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go."

Family

Is there anything more complicated than family relationships? Not in my experience. There's the hereditary component. Conditions like bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia are genetic. There's also the fact that these people influenced you in your formative years. They're largely responsible for the state of your mental health. That being said, they are not responsible for your behavior. That's on you. 

If a child grows up in an environment with caregivers who suffer from mental health issues, that child will grow into an adult with mental health issues. I love my parents and in general they were good people who had my best interests at heart, but they had their own set of mental health problems. I grew up in the 80's and 90's. Back then having "mental health issues" meant that you were institutionalized. There wasn't the level of awareness that there is now. 

Familial roles were also more rigid back then. Men were supposed to be strong, women were supposed to be supportive and children were supposed to remain quiet. This meant that men couldn't ask for help because they would be considered weak. Women were expected to put up with all kinds of bullshit at the expense of their sanity and self preservation. Because the parents remained silent, kids grew up with the idea that their parents wouldn't understand what they were going through. Everyone suffered in silence.

Times have changed thankfully. Many of us kids who were afraid to talk to our parents now have a much more open line of communication with our kids. It's important for a kid to have a "safe adult" to talk to. If a child opens up to you about something they did or how they feel, the best thing you can do is listen without judgement.

Community

There needs to be more resources within communities to support people struggling with their mental health. Mental health education from early childhood should be mandatory in school curriculum. We need to elect governments on every level that recognize this. If you're able to do so, make charitable a donation to a reputable non-profit society that offers mental health support and services. Finally, as individuals with in a community we need to stop judging each other. Every single one of us is going to be affected by mental health issues in our life time. Self-medication isn't just drug and alcohol use. Medication, can be food, sex, entertainment, spirituality, exercise, work etc. None of these "medications" are unhealthy on their own. In moderation they contribute to mental wellness. The thing to remember is the difference between medicine and poison is in the dose.

I know this post wasn't directly about my art, but as an artist my subject matter is inspired by mental health issues. I believe strongly that it's important to have a conversation with my audience about these struggles that we all face, so we don't have to face them alone.

What Matters Most

Life is not without it's challenges. As a privileged North American, I've grown accustomed to living a life of convenience. Our entire economy is driven by industries who pedal products and services aimed at making every interaction in our lives more convenient. Obviously, this has it's advantages, but there is a serious problem that has arisen from it. We have come to view challenges not as an opportunity for growth, but rather see them as grave injustices that we don't deserve to be subject to.

In the past week I've encountered some very significant challenges. Specifically, I'm being drawn back into a legal battle with my ex husband for the 4th time since I left him. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm due to release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears in March and there are several costly steps involved in that process. Having to go to court again is going to deplete my resources, and I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to get everything done in time for the release. Going to court costs money and time. The financial cost is an annoyance, but what really pisses me off is the amount of time I'm going to have to dedicate to dealing with a person who seemingly takes a perverse pleasure in making my life more difficult.

This is where my resolve begins to falter and I am tempted to adopt a victim mentality. I ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he just leave me alone? Is it not enough that he controlled my life for 7 years? Is it not enough that he has never had to face the legal consequences of inflicting violence one me? Is it not enough that he is still able to control me to some degree through our son?" While it is a fact that I was a victim of his physical and psychological violence, I cannot allow myself to become a victim of my circumstances. Is it fair that I have to keep dealing with someone who has abused me for years? No, but life isn't fair and I shouldn't expect it to be fair or easy.

I am discouraged at the moment, but I cannot allow myself to wallow. I have to remind myself of the things that really do matter and let go of my attachments. Because I let go of my attachment to money several years ago, the financial repercussions of this legal battle aren't something that I'm going to worry myself sick over. What I am really struggling with is the time I'm going to have to sacrifice. I feel like my time could be better spent working on my EP release.

Ultimately it's my attachment to my identity as an artist that I need to let go of. I'm angry because I've worked so hard up to this point and I feel like it's all falling apart at the most critical moment. What I really need to remember is that my identity as an artist is not what matters. What matters is how I use my art to affect the world around me. Being an artist doesn't matter unless it has a positive impact on people's lives. Period.

I am grateful for an upcoming opportunity that I have to exhibit my art at the Taboo Show in Vancouver from February 2nd-4th. I'm sure my ego will be stroked by the experience and I'll make some money from selling prints, but what matters most is the connection I'll make with people by sharing my story of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. It's a story that I chose to share with the world because I wanted to give people hope. I want show them that their value is not determined by their job, social status, abilities or wealth. Value is intrinsic and no person or life circumstance can take that away.

Follow this link for more information about the event

Letting Go Of Bullshit Attachments

Ahhhh Monday morning! Unlike a good portion of the working population, I quite like Mondays. Mind you, I am fortunate enough to do something I really enjoy, and I generally work from the comfort of my own home. Working in my pajamas is something I try really hard not to take for granted because there was a time, roughly about 2 and a half years ago when I used to drag myself to my interior design job and ask myself over and over again "Why am I still here?"

The reason was fear of losing my so-called life because I had formed attachments to a bunch of stuff within it. After all, working a 9-5 for an established company afforded me financial stability to do all that adult shit we're "supposed" to be doing like getting a mortgage, having a family, owning a car etc. It's an ideal so ingrained into North American culture, that if we don't acquire these things by the time we're 30, we've been programmed to feel like we've failed in some spectacular way. The reality of it is, it's all fucking bullshit! The house, the car, the picture perfect family is all an illusion of happiness. I can say that as someone who briefly succumbed to following the status quo rather than her dreams.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Even the family?" Hell yeah, even the family! When you have a family, it's not something you possess, it's 2 or more relationships in very close quarters that require a significant emotional investment for decades of your life. In the case of children, it's a very one-sided relationship with a rapidly changing human that you may or may not be compatible with. Not to mention you're morally and legally responsible for this ungrateful developing person for at least 18 years. The bottom line is that family relationships are hard work and not the picture perfect Hallmark card-Anne Geddes baby-HGTV bullshit we've all been fed our entire lives. Anyway, I digress...The point is, that none of that stuff will bring happiness or satisfaction unless you have already learned to be content on your own and without any assets to your name.

I know it to be true because the happiest moment of my life was 12 years ago shortly after I left my first husband. I had nothing. I let him keep all the stuff. I was living well below the poverty line in a modest rental house with my mom and 3-year-old son. By all North American societal standards I was a failure. Except I wasn't, because I was still me. In fact, after letting go of all my attachments, I was more me than I had ever been before. It was in that moment that I began to paint again. This painting you see below is what I painted. 9 more followed and became the series known as Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.

Then I dusted off my guitar that I hadn't touched in years and began to write music and lyrics again. That place of zero attachment was where I gave birth to Borg Queen. Letting go of all that other bullshit left me with just myself. I had to learn to be ok with just myself, flaws and all. I had to accept my situation and not allow myself to feel entitled to a so-called "better situation." I had to learn to live in the present and work with the resources within myself.

I'm not saying that all that adult stuff like a house, a car and family is a bad thing or makes a person less enlightened in any way. I'm older now, and I have accumulated some adult stuff along the way like a house, car and family. I'm grateful for what I do have, but those things do not make me a success. In fact, I have to be very wary not to form attachments to them. If I use them as a measuring stick to determine my worth, I lose sight of the place within myself which is where my true value and happiness lies.

I learned to be content in my current situation, whatever it may be. I have to carry that lesson around with me and remember to be grateful for what I do have, whether it be a little or a lot. Currently the fact that I'm sitting here writing this in my pajamas and afterwards I get to work on some new music for my upcoming EP after I go swimming, is a helluva a lot to be grateful for. 

Art Is My Bitch

"I am the artist equivalent of a controlling spouse"

It's been a whirlwind of activity for me as of late. I've had 3 projects on the go, a short film called 'Triggered', building props for 'Arrow' and working on my upcoming EP of course. On top of it all I've been trying to take better care of myself by engaging in a daily physical self-care routine of yoga, weight lifting and swimming. Taking care of myself has been harder for me than I care to admit. This is due to the fact that I don't like to admit that there's anything wrong with me that would require me to take time away from my creative pursuits. I am after all, addicted to being busy.

Unfortunately this constant productivity isn't sustainable because as much as I hate to admit it, I am not a machine, I am a human being, and a somewhat physically frail one at that. I have fibromyalgia, and if I don't take the time to manage it's symptoms through proper diet, adequate sleep, exercise and relaxation techniques, it will flare up to the point where I will be literally bed ridden for days at a time. Coming to terms with this over the past few years has been difficult lesson in humility. However, it's also helped me grow as person and realize that there's no shame in acknowledging my limitations and asking for help.

I am by nature independent and work best alone. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of other people, I just enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that I get from working on something that's 'just mine.' I'm the artist's equivalent of a controlling spouse who needs to know that I'm "the one" when it comes to my relationship with my art.

A relationship is what really boils down to when I look at the role creating art plays in my life. It's my companion, a source of entertainment, it gives me a sense of purpose and pride. It provides a psychological, emotional and physical release that is sometimes extremely sexually driven. It's a relationship that is constantly evolving and eventually will serve as my legacy. You could say that creating art is in many ways like having a spouse and children.

The problem is that for me I have sacrificed other critical areas of my life for this relationship. It's the same principle as when someone neglects themselves to care for a spouse or their children and doesn't take any "me" time for themselves. It's an unhealthy relationship situation and I'm starting to realize it.

After going on a solo vacation this past November and letting go of a lot of attachments I've resolved to take better care of myself and lead a more balanced lifestyle when it comes to my relationship with my art. I'm still going to work hard and continue to nurture my craft, but you could say that me and my art have decided to have an open relationship. I'll be allowing more people into my creative process and hopefully collaborating more with other artists on other projects. Most importantly though, I'm going to continue to put my physical and mental well being first.

Panic Mode & Challenging Negativity

I'm going to reveal something about myself that is kinda embarrasing. I know that as an artist/musician/performer, I'm supposed to carefully craft my image to that of a superhuman goddesslike creature so letting you in on my insecurities is breaking the mold. However if I can share with you some insight into the human condition through my art which is a reflection of my soul, then why not share what I'm currently going through as I deal with it. Maybe it can be helpful or perhaps relevant to something you experience too?

So here's my problem. I'm a perfectionist. It is one of my many character flaws rooted in the need to be in control that I'm trying to work on. However, once in a while(like right now) it rears it's ugly head. Actually when I'm under stress and I feel like everything is spiraling out of control is when my dysfunctional persona takes control and my meticulous nature swings to the unhealthy end of the spectrum and manifests itself as anal retentive perfectionism. It's so bad! Not to mention counter productive. It really does boil down to feeling horribly out of control.

I had a rehearsal yesterday that went poorly on my part from the moment I left my house. I got stuck in a huge traffic jam and rehearsal started almost an hour late. I can't breathe properly because I found out this morning from the doctor that I have bronchitis, so my singing was beyond terrible and to top it all off I had horrible menstrual cramps. All of that shit was so far out of my realm of control, but I was tripping balls on the inside and my mind starts spitting out thoughts like this...

"there's only 3 more rehearsals to go until the show and it just feels like the show is soooooo far from ready and if today's performance was any indication of how things are going to go down at showtime you have no business being on stage."

Is that line of thinking reality? Thank God I've seen enough therapists that I know that what I'm dealing with is distorted thinking based on an automatic negative thought process that's triggered when I'm under stress.

The various mental health professionals I've seen tell me that automatic negative thoughts are a result of rules and values that were instilled into us during childhood. In my case the rule of my childhood was that unless I got 100% on a test or won a blue ribbon it did not merit praise or a reward. Sound completely insane? It does to me now, but that line of thinking was normal for me in my childhood all the way into my 20's. I was not allowed to make mistakes. There was no "just try your best and that's good enough." It was "your best is perfection and anything less is failure."

Letting go of that mindset is hard because it was a core belief for the better part of my life, but if I am to grow both personally and artistically I have to accept imperfection and human limitations. Whenever a negative thought starts sending me into panic mode it is essential that I challenge it be using the R.U.L.E system. So what that means is:

1. Identifying the negative thought causing the distress which in this case is... "My show is going to suck and I have no business being in stage."

2. Challenging the thought using R.U.L.E. an acronym for a series of 4 questions where subject the thought to the following criteria:
Realistic?
Useful?
Logical?
Evidence to support the thought?

If you answer "no" to any of the questions, then you must reject the line of thinking as being untrue.

So here's how I apply R.U.L.E to my case.

Is it REALISTIC that my show is going to suck? 

No. I'm an experienced performer and while I might not always be happy with my performance, it doesn't mean that the performance sucks.

Is it USEFUL to tell myself that I have no business being on stage? 

No. Berating oneself is not a useful activity and my time can be better used taking care of myself so I can recover and have the best possible chance of putting on a great show.

Is it LOGICAL to think my show is going to suck and I have no business being on stage? 

No. I was sought out by the event organizer because my performances are maintain a high production value and are eye catching.

Is there EVIDENCE to support the negative thought? 

At this point by answering the first 3 questions I've managed to state evidence to the contrary plus I can just watch this video from a week ago and remind myself that I'm working with some talented people, and the show will come together as planned. Once I get my voice and health back I will be able to give it MY 100% and even though it may not be perfect it will still be a hell of a show. 

The piece we're working on in the video(above) is Lapdance Romance a song off my latest album. You can stream the entire song on my website, and even purchase a copy if you like and want to continue supporting my creative endeavors.

Visit www.borg-queen-music.com for more info about my project and to get a FREE SONG!

A Matter Of Perspective

I'm slipping again it would seem, back into a very dark place. A place I have been before, but never want to go back to again. The place I'm talking about is my state of mind on the evening of November 7th, 2016.  I want to tell you about it because it's important to talk about these things and it serves as a reminder for me in the dark times that there is always a way through. Welcome to one of the darkest moments of the darkest year in the history of my life. Last year sucked. I lost my partner and best friend to addiction.  My health condition(fibromyalgia) took a turn for the worse diminishing my ability to earn money and then to top it all off I got sexually assaulted. 

My lowest point was the evening of November 7th while I was lying down on the couch in my living room alone. I was physically incapacitated, emotionally burdened and mentally drained. As I was assessing the state of my being I wondered to myself if my life had any value left. If I wasn't able to be productive and create then I would be unable to accomplish my life's purpose which is to contribute in a positive way to the betterment of society using my skills and talents.

I found the prospect of having no purpose to my life so painful that I no longer felt I could live. I started googling "painless methods of suicide." I stumbled across a website that listed various suicide methods categorizing them by level of pain, effectiveness and how long it takes to die. Right away I noticed a correlation between pain level and effectiveness. The more effective the method the more painful it was. This was disappointing news indeed. I was prepared to die, but I did not want my last moments on this earth to be full of agony.

That's when I had an epiphany. I was more afraid of pain than death. I didn't truly want to end my life, but I wanted to end my suffering, my fear, my uncertainty and hopelessness. I felt powerless under the weight of my circumstances and killing myself was a way of reclaiming that power. I felt that by taking my own life nothing or nobody else could hurt me anymore. I would never feel pain, sadness or fear. In that moment of despair I came to another realization, I was not being overwhelmed by life, but rather by my emotions. The thing about emotions though is that they are temporary, and while they influence our perception of reality, emotions are not reality. The tangible facts of a situation are reality and emotions dictate how we perceive those facts.

An analogy I like to use, is to look at facts like they're a potato and emotions like they're seasoning. A potato on it's own is bland and boring, it is the seasoning that gives it flavor. We can season a potato many ways and some flavors will make it taste appealing and other flavors will make it repulsive, but despite altering the flavor of the potato, it will still be a potato, it will still possess all the physical and nutritional properties of a potato. Emotions make our lives more interesting, but we cannot dwell on them otherwise the will distort our perception of reality.

So here I am now in a dark place. I'm sick, bed-ridden and at the mercy of fibromyalgia and a virus. My emotions are that of sadness and frustration because  I can't do anything creatively productive and I'm consumed by fear that I will not be able to earn enough money to stay afloat and put together my live show in time. If I allow myself to dwell on these emotions it will only lead to hopelessness and I will cripple myself. What I need to remind myself of is the facts. The facts are that if I give myself a couple days to recover I will have energy again and the means to continue along the path I have forged for myself. Every time I am feeling overwhelmed by my circumstances I remind myself of that dark moment in November 2016 when I was so overwhelmed by sadness and pain that I felt that I could no longer live. I remind my self of the epiphany that was revealed to me so that I can shift my perspective and ground myself in reality.

I'm sharing this incredibly personal story with you because maybe it might help you. My purpose as an artist is to share my experiences through my music and art to those who may feel isolated depressed and alone. To show solidarity to everyone that they are not alone in their struggles. To show them that despite how bleak their situation may seem, that they should never give up and become consumed by their sadness and despair. 

Emotions pass, and time heals wounds, but in the meantime how do we cope with strong emotion with out suppressing it or succumbing to the distorted thinking it tends to incite? I'm not a mental health professional, but I've struggled with mental health issues and in the treatment process have sought plenty of professional help, so the advice I'm relaying to you is me reiterating what I've been told by clinical counselors and psychologists throughout my lifetime. What I'm about to tell you is a layperson's summary of professional advice and my own personal methods of implementing the advice, it is not a substitution for seeking professional help. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, get emergency professional/medical help right away. Call 911, your local emergency number or a crisis line in your area. That being said, I hope reading this might be a helpful starting point.

Two Things I Do To Cope With Powerful Emotions

1. Acknowledge It

It's hard to do sometimes, but admitting how out of control your emotions are is the first step. You can do this by talking to someone you trust or simply acknowledging it to yourself. Saying it out loud or writing it down tends to work best for me and sometimes it becomes a song or a painting. The EP I'm currently working on called Blood, Sweat Tears is 5 songs of admitting the deepest darkest thoughts and emotions that built up over the past couple years. Admitting it all to myself while difficult was incredibly freeing. Whatever your method is, it is important to just get it out there. It's the first step to getting help. While doing this it's important not to beat yourself up. Just admit how your are feeling. Analyzing the "why" can come later.

2. Channel It Constructively

Once you start acknowledging how you feel, you tend to open up a floodgate of emotions and it needs to be channeled constructively so that you don't suppress it again or take it out on the people around you. For me personally the process of composing music and singing expends and releases all the emotional energy leaving room for rational though and allowing me to problem solve more effectively. Not everyone has a creative outlet, but physical activity even if it's just going for a walk is very effective for releasing emotional energy. Everyone is different, but after you've purged your body and mind of the overwhelming emotion it's a lot easier to focus on the facts of your situation and begin to start finding rational solutions for your problems.

Art for me has always been a constructive way of dealing with my emotions, it serves double duty in helping me both admit what I'm feeling and then channeling my energy into the creative process of painting, songwriting, singing and performing. The above painting is called The Bottom Of The Glass. It's my admission of pain, depression and despair from a time in my life when I felt trapped in the vicious substance abuse. Prints are available on my website for $20.

This is the song The Bottom Of The Glass from my new album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles. Digital copies can be purchased on my website and also iTunes.

In conclusion I just wanted to let you know that no matter how bleak things may seem, there is always hope and you are never truly alone.

Dealing With Rejection

No one likes being rejected. It's hard not to take it personally, but it is a part of life and definitely something one experiences as an artist.

Yesterday's rant was about me being frustrated with having to play the role of publicist for myself. I'm pitching my music to online publications in the hopes that I'll get some press. Other than the fact that it's a tedious, boring time consuming process, the other major drawback of doing your own PR is getting all the rejections. If I were promoting someone else I wouldn't be emotionally invested in the process. Also, had I been able to hire a publicist, they would be getting all the rejections and I'd only be hearing about the publications willing to show me the love. Oh well, it's just another annoying reality of the popularity game you have to play when your an artist.

So, today my inbox has been flooded with all the rejections from yesterday's submissions of my song We're All Whores. It's disappointing for sure, but the key to not taking it personally is to remember that all art is subjective and just because someone doesn't like my work doesn't mean that it isn't "good" or have merit. Another way of putting it into perspective is thinking of it like any sales job. You're going to hear overwhelmingly more "no's" then "yes's" no matter what industry you're working in.

If you're curious about what's being rejected feel free to visit my website for a free download of We're All Whores, the song I've been submitting to promote my album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.

Sneak Preview of We're All Whores

The full song can be downloaded for FREE on my website http://www.borg-queen-music.com

Too Many Fucking Hats!

In any business there's a game to be played if you want to get ahead. Music is definitely no exception. Artistically speaking I already wear a bajillion and one hats being a singer/songwriter/composer/instrumentalist/producer/engineer and that's just the musical aspect of what I do with my project Borg Queen. There's also the visual component of my project that has me working as a one woman art department making music videos with production qualities way higher than I really need to in this game called the music biz. Don't get me wrong I love working on all the artistic stuff, and even the technical aspects of it are fascinating and extremely rewarding. I'm not bitching about that at all.

What get's to me is having to promote myself. Social media is the worst. I'm not a social creature, and while I do enjoy getting public recognition for my art because it's something I'm proud of, I hate seeking attention for the sake of getting attention. However, that is part of the game now. I can't JUST be a talented artist, get a record deal and sit in my ivory tower making music while my label promotes me. Those days are gone. Even signed artists have to play the game. Mind you most of the really established ones have someone managing their social media for them.

It's a different game in many ways now, but something that hasn't changed is that it still is all about who you know. One of the best ways of getting "discovered" or just looking credible is getting some press. But how do you get press? The easy, effective but expensive way is to hire a publicist. Not really an option for me right now given that I spent all my money on creating super high quality content and crazy elaborate music videos.

So here I am wearing yet another hat writing press releases and submitting my music to every blogger that covers my genre, that's also linked to Hype Machine. Hype Machine if you're wondering is a very popular music blog aggregator, and if you get your shit on there, then larger publications start taking notice. So, the bottom line is you wanna get yourself some press and get on Hype Machine, so you can get even better press and have MORE people notice you. It's like being in high school all over again. Needless to say I didn't really give a shit about being popular in high school because I was too busy being an artist. Now, I'm too busy trying to be popular plugging my new album that I haven't had enough time to be an artist.

So there's my rant. I don't like wearing all these hats. I just want to be an artist, make music, make cool videos and perform. In case you were wondering what I needed the press for, it's my new album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles that you can pre order by clicking on the image below.

If you buy it, I promise to use the money to hire a publicist so that I can return to doing what I do best...creating.

We're All Whores: Sneak Preview

I am so beyond the moon excited for this music video! This was so much fun to shoot and I just couldn't wait to share this little snippet with you. I'm giving away a free copy of this song on my website. Just follow this link and enter your email in the form to get your copy of We're All Whores.

Crippling Horrible Depression

The clouds are so thick that all I can feel is the ultraviolet radiation permeating my skin, damaging me on a cellular level. A walk through the forest draws my attention to the soil erosion around the root systems a grim reminder that the air filling my lungs is now contains 400ppm of carbon. This is the nature of depression. It is all consuming. A dark fog that won't lift, and I used to be able to see the beauty in a foggy day. Maybe it's just because there have been so many foggy days lately that I've forgotten that there is a world outside of the dark cloud that surrounds me.

Three weeks ago I was sexually assaulted. The life has just been sucked right out of me, but I tell myself that I have to keep emulating the behavior of the living. I tell myself that if I can just keep pretending to live that I'll feel alive again. If it were just the heartbreak of losing my partner, or simply coping with having a chronic illness or even if all I had to deal with was the psychological and legal fallout of being sexually assaulted then I feel as if I could stitch together enough broken pieces of myself to resemble a functional person.

So what do I do? Life doesn't just stop because I've lost the ability to function. Life goes on, right? Besides, there are so many things I have to get done. I have to finish filming music videos. I have to finish the artwork layout for my CD's. I have to fulfill all my crowdfunding perks. I have to start on a PR campaign for my album release. I have to start organizing a live show. I have to keep start recording my new EP...the list goes on and on, just like life. How do I accomplish all of this when my body is in so much agony that I can barely move and my mind is so foggy that I'm not even aware of my own thoughts half the time. It's taken me 4 days to write this tiny little blog post because it's so hard to focus.

So why even write a post like this? Well, the answer is the same as to the question, "why write songs and paint pictures of dark subject matter?" The answer is that we all will suffer as human beings. Many times our suffering will be inflicted upon us for no discernable reason. This is the nature of our physical existence, but like everything else in this physical existence, suffering is not permanent either. We're also not alone in our suffering. There is always someone out there who understands, we just need to reach out and ask for help.

Will I always feel like this? Logically speaking...no, I won't even though right now it feels like I'll never feel joy again. I just have to remember that I haven't always felt like this so chances are that this too shall pass.

Art Therapy

"..the painting is a really crucial part of the artistic process for me. I helps me organize my ideas and visually convey the concept behind every song."

I'm offering prints of my paintings as perks as part of my crowdfunding campaign

In my project Borg Queen I wear many hats. Having a career where I can use as many of my skills as possible and be creative has been a lifelong goal of mine. I knew I could never be content just doing one thing. I have to do all the things! The trouble was that I could never find a "job" where I could do that. When people ask me what I do I'm reluctant to tell them that, "I bring complex psychological concepts to life through as many artistic disciplines as possible" because it makes me sound like a pretentious douche, BUT that's exactly what I do. Most of the time I just tell them I'm an artist or a musician and that will usually segway into a conversation about all the shit that I do within this project that I call Borg Queen.

Today's post isn't about everything I do because that would make for an extremely long post, and who has time these days to read something longer than 5 paragraphs with all that other click bait you have to get to. Today's focus is the paintings that I create for every song that I write. Doing the painting is a really crucial part of the artistic process for me. I helps me organize my ideas and visually convey the concept behind every song.

My album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs and 10 paintings that tell a true story of why I fell into addiction and how I found my way out. SDSBP is a coming of age story set in a strip club. Each song is a life lesson or insight I gained from working as a stripper. The first 5 songs are written from my perspective as an addict who had lost all hope and put her faith in money. The turning point in the album is when I have a spiritual awakening and the last 5 songs are written from my perspective as a woman who has come into her own and discovered her life purpose despite still being a stripper.

Track List & Paintings

Prints of all the paintings are being offered as perks through my current crowdfunding campaign on Indigogo https://igg.me/at/SexDrugsAlbum

1. This Is Real – 

It’s a reverse Cinderella story. It’s about having being a young adult with goals, hopes and ambitions, but having them destroyed by circumstances beyond control like illness, a bad economy and death. It’s about the huge mistake a lot of young people make which is making money a priority in life. I foolishly thought that money would solve all my problems and give me comfort, but when it didn’t I became depressed and turned to alcohol and drugs.

2. Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles – 

In short it’s about the trap of greed that a lot of strippers fall into. You get so obsessed with making money that you lose perspective and fall into a vicious cycle of making a bunch of money, but spending it as fast as you make and never getting ahead.

3. Little Miss Liquid Courage – 

It’s about me selling out to the playboy standard of beauty so I could make more money as a stripper. There’s a tremendous amount of pressure in the exotic entertainment industry to make yourself look as close to humanly possible as a Barbie Doll just so you can make more money. Sadly, I succumbed to that pressure and hated myself for it.

4. Hedonist: The Birth Of Venus Demilo – 

It’s about me coping with domestic abuse by turning to various forms of hedonism that were in turn killing me. My hedonist lifestyle took over my personality and eventually transformed me into the alter ego that I was playing on stage.

5. The Bottom Of The Glass –

 It’s about hitting rock bottom as an addict, being totally alone and just crying out to anyone or anything that will listen.

6. My Resurrection – 

It’s the turning point and about facing my demons of greed, abuse and addiction and telling them that they no longer control me.

7. It’s Over – 

It’s a break up song about my abusive relationship with my addictions.

8. We’re All Whores – 

It’s an insight that I had when a customer basically called me a whore for taking my clothes off for money. We all have a price. We’re all a commodity. We’ve all done something for money that we wouldn’t have done otherwise. Therefore, we’re all whores.

9. Lapdance Romance – 

When you’re a stripper you’re not supposed to fall for the customers, but it ended up happening to me. I tried to deny my feelings for him, but I couldn’t so I took a chance, gave up control and allowed myself to fall in love.

10. Imago Dei – 

It’s Latin for image of God. It’s about being a stripper and a person of faith at the same time.

Prints available through my Indigogo crowdfund here

I'm A Dress Up Whore

I love costumes! I love dressing up! I love escaping the mundane drudgery of everyday life by becoming a character of my own design. 

Growing up in an ultra conservative religious environment meant that Halloween was strictly off limits for me among many other fun things including secular music, all the good TV shows and movies. On top of it all, I went to a private school where we wore the most hideous unflattering uniforms imaginable. Yellow sweater vests with a below the knee pleated gray skirt, I kid you not. It was the worst!!! Now I'm not writing this as a "woe is me, I had such a deprived childhood kind of post," but rather to provide some context for my addiction to designing, making and wearing of costumes in every avenue of my personal and professional life.

My first costume making attempt was in my tweens. Madonna ruled as the queen of pop music and was sporting her Jean-Paul Gaultier iconic cone bra. She looked so powerful and sexy, and I fell in love with that image. I wanted to be that powerful sexy woman entertaining the masses so I figured that making myself a metal cone bra would be a good place to start. I woke up early one morning and busted out some tin foil and attempted to make one. As I was placing the cones over my non-boobs my mom caught me and freaked out. She scolded me on my lewd creation and asked me where I would even get such an idea. I didn't want to tell her that Madonna had inspired me as I figured that admitting to being a fan of secular pop star would get me into even more trouble.

Looking back on it now I'd say that my repressed childhood is probably what spawned the creative and apologetically sexual monster that I am today. 

It wasn't a conscious rebellion by any means. I wasn't just like "fuck society, I'm just going to make myself  into the biggest weirdo I possibly can be." I've just always loved being theatrical with the presentation of my art. As a child escaping into the worlds I got to create through theatre and dance were a form of therapy for me and it was through those characters that I felt I could express facets of myself that would otherwise be chastised by authority figures or my peers.

Even as a stripper I always was conscious of creating a fantasy character for the audience. I know that in all reality all most of the guys really cared about was getting to see me naked, but getting into a sexy character is liberating and that sexual energy transfers on to the audience. I didn't get into stripping to rebel against my conservative upbringing, but it certainly has been a creatively therapeutic experience not to mention a great way to fund my artistic pursuits. Not surprisingly my artistic pursuits invlove designing characters, making costumes and dressing up.

Here's are some of my favourite costumes that I've designed for my music videos. Some of which I am offering as perks in my current crowdfunding campaign here.

We're All Whores Music Video Costumes

I was super stoked for this particular costume because it was my childhood dream of owning a cone bra come true. I even rigged the nipples to squirt "crude oil" as an enviro political statement against the greed driven oil industry that is one of the biggest whore machines out there.

This steampunk cyborg costume is available as a perk on Indigogo

Behold, the aftermath of the cone bra!

Our "Shiny Pretty Whore" costumes that are a seductive green, the color of money.

Hedonist Music Video Costumes

Hedonist is defintely my most ambitious music video both as a concept and a production. It's 4 separate sets and sequences with several costume changes. I'm offering the victorian lingere set that I'm wearing in the still below as another crowdfunding perk. 

My distressed Victorian lingerie is being offered as one of my Indigogo crowdfunding perks here.

The Victorian ballgown-fetishwear costume was designed by me, but the latex and PVC pieces were made by Jenni Wong at Deadly Couture in Vancouver. BC. 

I did however construct the dress cage as seen below.

I will be updating perks and adding additional costume pieces to the campaign. 

Check out the campaign at https://igg.me/at/SexDrugsAlbum

If you see anything that you'd like to have as a perk for contributing feel free to email me borgqueenmusic@gmail.com

I'm Not Perfect And That's OK

One of the most profound realizations that I came to while going through alcohol recovery 8 years ago was that I'm human and that means that I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. I was raised by a perfectionist to be a perfectionist. I come from a long line--on my mom's side at least--of chronic, nit-picking, judgmental perfectionists who are never satisfied with anything. There is always a reason to complain and point out the faults of others. Of course, they justify their finger wagging in the name of "constructive criticism," but the years of my childhood spent worrying that my I was never good enough, and the years of drowning myself in alcohol so I could just relax for once would beg to differ.

However, I've resolved to break the family tradition and just let myself be an imperfect human being. This is the reason that I've decided to post unfinished tracks on my soundcloud for my fans to listen to. I have versions of songs without any pitch correction on the vocals to show the world and remind myself that much like my art, I am a work in progress. I work to better myself and my craft, but I will never be perfect. So I invite you to enjoy this imperfect unfinished instrumental backing track for my song This Is Real.

Inside My Mind

The next music video I plan to make is for my song Hedonist, which lyrically is 3 distinct voices having a conversation inside my head. How I visually want to convey this is by using a psychiatrist's office as the symbol of me having a conversation with myself. I've done up a few set designs for said office. One is an ornate office, which would appeal to a hedonist, and the other is a more surreal setting. Both sets are decorated with actual paintings I've done as a form of art therapy. Prints of my are for sale here.

Lapdance Romance Part 2 - A Labor of Love, Persistence and Complete Insanity

Lets Recap
In anticipation of the release of my song/music video/visual masterpiece that is Lapdance Romance I've decided to re-hash my long arduous production journey. To recap, Lapdance Romance was a song and painting that I created for my husband, before he was my husband while we were on a break. I wrote and recorded the original demo back in 2010. You can listen to the original demo it on my Soundcloud profile here.

As mentioned before I tend to think big, and as a product of the MTV generation I decided that I wanted to create an audio-visual masterpiece in the form of a music video that would use the story behind the song and visuals in the painting as it's inspiration. When approached my director friend Arcelia Ocana of Ribbit Ribbit Studios about the project and played her the song, her reply was, "Jenny, we love the song and we want to make you famous!" This is typical Arcelia as she's a bubbling cauldron of positive, creative energy. So hurdle, number one, find a director, was done.

The DYI Insanity Begins
My next big issue was budget. I literally did not have a budget, at all. When Arcelia approached me about this (not so)minor detail I sheepishly mentioned that I don't have a budget, but have no fear because I have connections to talented(and generous) people AND a lot of this is going to be a largely DIY affair on my behalf. My hair brain scheme is that I would be a one woman art department as the video would be based on my art. Her response was, "No problem, we'll make it work. We all love you at Ribbit Ribbit and want to see you succeed."

Having gone to art school for animation and worked as an animator I was well versed in the art of story boarding and making animatics, so I offered to do the basic pre-production work myself and create an animatic for Arcelia to work off of.  I've never made this animatic public before until now, so if you click the link of  "The Lost Lapdance Romance Animatic" you'll be directed to my ultra secret You Tube video that up until now has only been seen by production staff.

Jenny Learns To Work With Others
One of the hardest things for me on collaborative creative projects is giving up control and letting others do their jobs. I saw making this music video as the perfect opportunity to do some personal growth, so when Arcelia approached me, and said that while they(Ribbit Ribbit) loved the animatic, they wanted to bring in a writer to write the script for the video. They wanted to keep the basic story the same, but they just wanted to write it themselves with my input of course. So, I let go and said ok. HUGE step for me.

The writer in question was someone that I had worked with before, Niko Koupanstis a very talented writer and actor that I had the pleasure of working with on a short film of Arcelia's called "Mime Love." He stuck to the basic storyline of whore falls for a client at a brothel while under the influence of absinthe but added some cool twists that served to really amp up the dark and creepy side of things. In Niko's version the whores became dolls that the madame keeps locked in display cases, but my favorite idea of his was that in the absinthe hallucination my character transforms into a cybernetic dominatrix.

His concept really allowed me to get creative with the character designs. As you can see below, the original character design I came up with for the cyber dominatrix and then the final product underneath it is me in my full make-up and costume.

Orginal character design of my cyborg dominatrix alter ego

On set as my cyborg dominatrix character

I guess you could say that the lesson learned here is that it never hurts to allow others to have some input because they might just come up with some pretty cool shit you would have never thought of. So when Arcelia approached me about improving the sound quality of my original recording by hiring a producer to work with, I was definitely less hesitant, but that's another story for another day as the saga of Lapdance Romance continues...