Caught The Bug

I don't know if you know this about me, but Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation is my childhood hero, so naturally I'm super stoked for his return to the small screen in the upcoming spin off series Star Trek: Picard. Sir Patrick Stewart's brilliant performance is what made the character so beloved and influential to many people of my generation.

Now, with it being 2020 and myself an avid Picard/Sir Patrick fan I follow both accounts on social media. The other day I followed a link to an article in Variety featuring Patrick Stewart. The article kicks off  with  mention of Patrick Stewart's one man theatrical adaption of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. 

Is it a coincidence that I've been formulating my own adaptation of the timeless tale as well? Up until this point, my version was only ideas loosely woven together and I had yet to put pen to paper or more accurately fingers to keys. However, as I continued to read the article, there were some points that began to spark the motivation to start actively working on it that I had been lacking.

The first one was Sir Patrick assertion that A Christmas Carol is more relevant in our present time than ever.

...'Stewart believes that makes the piece more timely than ever. He characterizes “A Christmas Carol” as a “profoundly angry attack” on a society that treats marginalized people as subhuman. “Forget about Tiny Tim and all that stuff,” he says. “It’s a political document.” ' 

I personally couldn't agree more, and that's the direction that I will be taking with my version. The setting will be a dystopian future in which human rights have been curtailed back to the level they were at in Victorian London as a result of an oppressive capitalist regime that decimated democracy, equality and labor laws, paving the way for the 1% to rule the masses.

The second thing Sir Patrick said that hit home in the most personal way was, he described the impact acting had on his young life.

“Nothing bad could happen to me for the two and a half hours that we were doing the play, because I became somebody else,”

From a very young age I've loved performing and creating characters and worlds through various mediums for the same reason. Artistic expression is a safe place. It's somewhere I can go to be myself by being someone else. I don't have to be Jenny Kirby the chronically ill, domestic violence and multiple sexual assault survivor who suffers from PTSD. I can shed those afflictions and be the White Witch of Narnia or Elanor Sharp the genius bionics engineer. 

Elanor Sharp incidentally is the main character of my version of A Christmas Carol which currently has the working title of A Bionic Holiday Ballad. This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, but the magnitude of tackling a project like this has been daunting and too much to take on...until now. Working on this project will be the next phase in my recovery journey. Elanor is a workaholic with a privileged but traumatic childhood. There will be a lot of events that will mirror my own experiences as we take a trip with the Ghost of Holiday Past. 

I'm also going to be layering in some mental health metaphors particularly when it comes to what the ghosts symbolize. The Ghost of Holiday Past will represent depression. Holiday Present is will represent existing in a state of serenity and mindfulness and Holiday Future will represent anxiety.

This project is a huge undertaking that will be ongoing over the next few years, but it will spawn a whole bunch of new music(at least 2 albums) plus some new music videos, artwork and of course a film. While I do believe in coincidences, I'm taking the timing of  the Variety article and the words of Sir Pat Stew as a sign that it's time to allow myself to be infected by the bug again.

It's Lame AF And I Don't Like It

The mind is willing, not only willing but eager and bursting with ideas. However my body is uncooperative. I still have very limited energy reserves. Every day I tell myself, "today is the day I start working in something again," but to no avail. I run out of steam and can barely get through the bare minimum of things like feeding myself, making sure I go for a walk and go to my counselling appointment. 

Taking care of my most basic needs has to be the priority, so why is it so damn hard to have a shower and brush my teeth? It's unsatisfying existing like this, but on the plus side since I started doing things like taking walks, eating, cutting back my workload, sleeping and going to all my mental health appointments, I haven't thought about killing myself. 

I guess that's progress. I'm impatient though. I want to do more than just cope, but I'm not physically capable of it right now. It's a bummer to be sure because I thrive on achievement. While some are content to hang out and chill, I get antsy. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people, but then I wouldn't be me and I like me.

I keep telling myself to be patient and trust that the time will come for me to become a force of creative productivity again. Oh how I long for it! Creating is a driving force in my life. It's more fulfilling than any relationship and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I know I've driven some people away because of my extreme focus on my creative projects, and I do lament it on a very deep level. However, my drive to create runs deeper than any sadness I feel towards the loss of loved ones. 

That is just my nature, and I can't deny it. I refuse to moralize it too. Call me selfish if you want, but it's not selfish to know oneself and acknowledge one's needs. Just because I'm not fulfilled by family and relationships like a lot of people are, doesn't make me an uncompassionate monster. I just know who I am, and creating provides me with a sense of purpose like nothing else in the world.

Aside from the fact that the creative process fulfills me, what I love about it, is sharing it. I have a difficult time connecting with people in conventional social situations. I'm painfully shy unless I'm on stage, and I hate being touched(unless it's under a very specific set of circumstances). Talking and touching seem to be the most common ways people connect, but it's not my cup of tea, so I'm grateful that I have the option of sharing my art as a means of connection.

I guess I'm just feeling so frustrated and isolated right now because I don't have the physical capacity to do the things that give me a sense of purpose and connection. It's lame as fuck and I don't like it.

Rewiring Childhood

I haven't done anything artistically significant (by my own definition) in a while. Some might argue that working as a concept illustrator on Arrow for the past 2 years and and playing a show this past weekend are artistically significant, but by my impossibly high standards for myself I am doing the bare minimum. I spend most of my time in a state of introspection. I am working on healing my mind, body, soul and spirit. This is no easy task because for years I abused myself and have been subjected to the abuse of others. We all have, to varying degrees of course, but not one of us has come into adulthood unscathed. 

The ways in which we abuse ourselves are fascinating because the root is often not apparent. The origins of our self abuse stems from our childhood. Since many of us don't remember much from our early years, it may be hard to figure out where these destructive thought patterns which feed our destructive behaviors and toxic relationships came from. The point of discovering our dysfunctional origin is not to lay blame and absolve ourselves of responsibility, but rather to challenge those things that were said and done to us so that we can break the grip they still have on our lives today. We are essentially rewiring our brains by doing this.

I'll give you an example. My entire sense of self worth has come from the idea that I am intelligent, creative, artistically talented and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. This has hammered into me by my parents and affirmed by my teachers and peers. Even the kids who didn't like me and were super cruel to me still conceded that I was smart and talented. I may not have had friends, but at least I had a sharp mind and I could wow people with my artistic talents. As a result, I began to equate admiration with affection, but I rarely connected with anyone on a deep personal level. I never felt loved and accepted for who I was at my core. I derived my sense of value from my abilites and how much people admired me for them even if they didn't necessarily know me or even like me. I never learned to let anyone in and what intimacy really is. 

Now it's time to rewire. I'm beginning to see how years of placing my sense of self worth in my abilites isn't sustainable. In this stage of my life having a chronic illness and a host of mental health issues has diminished my ability to be this highly intelligent, extraordinary artist, who's a creative force to be reckoned with. I'm having to learn to derive my worth elsewhere and that's an uncomfortable place to be. I'm having to be compassionate with myself which is something I never learned in my childhood. I have to rewire that thought path in my mind that tells me "I have to exceed my previous achievements to have value." I'm working on changing that thought pattern to "I am enough as I am right now and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be." 

Nobody ever said anything like that to me as a kid so the thought had never occurred to me. The first time I heard it something along the lines that my worth doesn't come from my talents and abilities, I rejected it. I'm still having a tough time believing it, but I'm determined to change and grow. Change and growth takes time though. I have been making a concentrated effort to not do anything spectacular(by my old standard) yet still affirm that I am just as valuable, loveable and worthy of connection. Rewiring is hard work.

Mind Your Own Business

"Mind Your Own Business" was the topic of discussion this week in one of my recovery groups. I can't tell you specifically which fellowship it is because we agree to a policy anonymity. What I will say is the thing we all have in common in this group was that we have all been affected by someone else's substance use and in our attempts to help our loved one, we have neglected ourselves. So in this weeks meeting we shared our thoughts on what "Mind Your On Business" means and how we implement it in our own life.

For me, minding my own business is two fold principle:

1. Do Not Try To Control Others

Have you ever tried to change someone's mind? Were you successful? Probably not, and if they did change their mind it's because they chose to change their mind. They were likely presented with information that they considered carefully and then drew their own conclusions. Changing someone's behavior is even more impossible than changing someone's mind because the only person who change their behavior is themselves. We have a saying in my fellowship as it pertains to our loved one's substance use. "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it." This mantra can be applied to literally every behavior, not just substance use. 

Imagine how much more time and energy you would have to make a positive impact in the world if: 

a. You stopped trying to change other people's behavior
b. Only tried to improve and regulate yourself

2. Take Responsibility For Myself

So, for me the second part of minding my own business is to define what is my OWN business. My first duty is to look after myself. This doesn't mean I don't care about others. It just means that my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are my priority. 

As a parent I set a poor example to my children if I neglect myself. It's important for them to see a woman who respects herself enough to engage in a regular self care routine and set healthy boundaries. Witnessing this behavior at home teaches my kids that I am not here for their convenience and that bodily autonomy and mental wellness is paramount.

Setting healthy boundaries is a huge part of minding my own business and the biggest thing I've learned about boundaries is that they are about regulating my behavior and not someone else's. Here are some examples of my personal boundaries. Notice how all of them are about my behavior so that they are 100% enforceable by me.

1. I am responsible for managing my medical condition

2. I am financially autonomous, so that financial considerations won't dictate my relationship choices

3. I am not currently seeking an intimate partnership

4. My daily self care routine is a priority

Regulating my own behavior may not be easy, but it's a hell of a lot more effective than wasting my time and energy trying to improve another person. The great thing about boundaries that involve just myself is that I can change them at any time and not have to consult anyone else about it. When I mind my own business consistently, I notice an increase in my energy and peace of mind and this allows me to be more productive and contribute to the world around me in a positive way. 

I'll be honest for the past few years I did not mind my own business and paid the price heavily. I sacrificed my mental health and autonomy because I felt like minding someone else's business was the "right thing to do." I wrote my song Vampires out of the frustration I was feeling within my situation. Growing up female the message you're sent is that you are supposed to be nurturing, compassionate and self-sacrificing when it come to your family. While unconditional love and compassion are noble pursuit, they should never be used an excuse to accept a situation that is harmful to your health or dignity.

If you're interested in discussing any of these points further, feel free to shoot me an email because I'd love to hear from you borgqueenmusic@gmail.com

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Ups & Downs

Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

"Life is full of ups and downs" is what I tell myself when I'm in a slump. I find it helps me broaden my perspective and get unstuck when I find myself paralyzed by the effects on mental illness. If you're a fellow sufferer then you know the vicious cycle of feeling so shitty you can't seem to do anything proactive to change your situation which in turn makes you feel even more useless and shitty.

This cycle pretty much sums up my past week. I'm writing this post from my chip crumb filled bed and wearing my depression pants that really needed laundering 5 days ago. So, what happened? I was implementing a really consistent self care routine and starting to reap the benefits, then BOOM! I hit a wall.

First of all, I pushed myself too hard with working 12 hour days and making my Mummo's documentary. I didn't take the time to swim or meditate and my fibromyalgia flared up. Secondly, instead of stepping up my self care game, I let it slide completely. I started compulsively comfort eating, which made me even more tired. Being tired feeds my depression because I feel completely unmotivated to do anything beneficial for myself. Now I'm wallowing and feeling stuck, but you know what? I'm owning it because life is full of ups and downs and this is a down. Denying my feelings or feeling guilty about depression won't change what is. Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

Sure there are things out of my control, like other people's actions and the fact that I was born with a neurotransmitter imbalance, and these factors sometimes make it difficult to cope. However, there have been times when I have been able to "rise above" my circumstances and experience serenity, contentment and even happiness. I just have to remind myself that it's ok to have bad days or weeks or even months. Hell, I've had bad years...2016-2018 I'm looking at you, but I've also had moments of joy and experienced contentment because life is full of ups and downs.

Remembering My Dearly Departed

I'm definitely experiencing grief right now. My Mummo, Meimi Lahti died April 3, 2019. She was 91 and had lived a good long life. While I am very sad that I'll never see her in this physical life again her death is by no means a tragedy. Still, I'm profoundly sad and it will take some time to process the grief and adjust to life without her.

I have to say that I'm definitely dealing with her death in a much healthier way than when my dad died. I've been going through a recovery process and part of that for me is acknowledging my emotions rather than burying them. When my dad died, I didn't even cry despite the fact that we were incredibly close. I didn't want to process his death. It was too much for me to handle at the time. It's taken years to let him go, but last year I finally was able to.

Because of the profound impact he had on my life and also the way I dealt with his death I want to base one of my upcoming Borg Queen projects on the way I dealt with his loss. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but needless to say it's going to be a massive project and I have a couple things I want to get done first.

If you read my previous post, you'll have heard the song I recorded in Finnish to honor my Mummo's memory. I wanted to do something meaningful and organically inspired for my triumphant return to working on Borg Queen stuff again. As you may know I was on a bit of a hiatus for mental health reasons. What you may not know is that while recording a new song I also put together a documentary of my Mummo's life. I premiered it this past Saturday at her memorial and it was a big hit.

The reason for creating is was multipurpose just like pretty much everything else I created. Firstly, I wanted to use my talents and skills to honor my Mummo's memory. Second of all, I did it for the rest of my family, especially my mom and brother. They helped me make it by narrating their experiences with my Mummo. Finally, I wanted to make something that people could genuinely enjoy watching at the memorial service. Ever been to a memorial and had to sit through a 20 minute slide show of every photo ever taken of the deceased? I know I have, and to be honest after the first 4 minutes it's boring as fuck. I didn't want to subject the guests to another boring slide show so I decided to make a documentary. At the very end I included my eulogy for my Mummo and my new song as part of the sound track. Here it is.

Borg Queen Resurrected

If you follow me and my artistic adventures, you may have noticed that my online activity substantially decreased. I'll be honest, I really hate social media and I only use it to connect with fans. I've had to put Borg Queen on the back burner since November 2018 because I was burnt out and in a really unhealthy place. My primary focus for the past several months has been recovery and establishing healthier habits and a self care routine, but I've also been working as a concept artist on the CW series Arrow. 

Though life is far from perfect and my circumstances haven't changed I've learned healthier ways of coping. Rather than bury myself with work and binge on my various vices I take time every day to swim and meditate. I've learned to ask for help rather than just try to do everything myself. I've stopped trying to fix other people's problems and focus only on improving and regulating myself. It hasn't been easy, and old habits are hard to break, but I've definitely noticed that I'm enjoying more serenity and obsessing less over situations that I have no control over. I'm slowly starting to come back.

A month ago my Mummo(Finnish grandma) died, and instead of stuffing my feelings I've allowed myself to greive and acknowledge the plethora of emotions that goes along with losing a loved one as uncomfortable as it may be at times. I decided that my return to Borg Queen should be gradual and organic and working through my Mummo's death has allowed me to return in exactly that way. 

I recorded a song in Finnish which is my first language. My Mummo despite living in Canada for 50 years never learned to speak English so if I wanted to talk to her it had to be in Finnish. My last moments with her were spent at her bed side singing a song to her in Finnish that I had sung at a Finnish Christmas concert when I was 4. The song was called Suojelusenkeli which means guardian angel. It was written by Finnish poet Immi Hellen in 1884 in a time when it was common for people to die in infancy and childhood. The song is about a child traveling in the dark abyss of the afterlife who is guided home by a guardian angel.