Aaaaand...ACTION!

A couple weeks ago I started doing a government funded self management course for people who suffer from chronic health conditions. If you've known me for any period of time you would know that I have fibromyalgia plus have been struggling with PTSD for the past few years which comes with anxiety and depression. I'm not going to be going into that in this post though. What I do want to share is how doing this self management program is impacting my creative life. In this program we learn and practice a variety of strategies that help us positively manage our health conditions.

This post week we covered making an "action plan." According to the several health professionals who wrote this program action planning is probably the most important self-management tool. So what is an action plan? An action plan is an action you can take that is short term, doable and sets you on the road towards achieving a goal. In my program we set goals to enhance our quality of life.

Unsurprisingly, working on creative projects enhances my quality of life. So, while I do set goals that are specific to my physical condition, feeding my mental, emotional and spiritual health is equally important and very much complementary to managing my physical condition. A lot of why I've been creatively dormant for the past year as far as Borg Queen goes is that the goals I wish to accomplish within this project are rather lofty. It's not that I've had a creative block or lost inspiration, it's just that I've been battling the physical effects of my chronic illness which has left me with no energy to work on anything...or so I thought.

 What I've learned is that the secret of an effective action plan is to not try to do everything at once. Inside my head I imagine everything all at once, but the problem is that in the physical world I am not capable of doing everything at once, so I've just had to accept that I'm limited and have to work within those limitations. What I've been learning to do is look at what I can realistically accomplish within the next week and base my action plan on what I can realistically achieve.

 Another crucial point about the action plan is that it should be about something I want to do, not something that will please anyone else. So when making my first action plan in this course I asked myself, "Jenny, what do YOU want to do?" The reply was, "I really want to write the screenplay for 'A Bionic Holiday Ballad.'"

Of course with me being an obsessive workaholic and wanting to get it done as fast as possible, my initial action plan was pretty unrealistic. At first I wanted to get the whole thing written within a week, but that would have required me to write 20 pages a day. It's totally doable if I push myself and don't have any other distractions, but the likelihood of accomplishing it was 50/50. They say you need to be at least 70% sure that you can complete your action plan, so I asked myself, "what is a number of pages you KNOW you can write in a day?"

I settled on 5 pages a day because I wanted to feel like I was succeeding and not having to stress out about it. Man! What a difference it makes to set up a plan that is easily accomplished! It's encouraging. It fosters hope and builds confidence. Everyday I was able to exceed my goal of 5 pages and that made me feel pretty damn good about myself. I was able to get the screenplay done in 10 days! Getting it done in a week would have put unnecessary pressure on myself, and for what? It's not like I'm working for anyone but myself.

 So now that I've written the screenplay I've decided to turn "A Bionic Holiday Ballad" into a musical. I'm gonna be honest that the inspiration to turn this story into a musical is totally coming from my love of "A Muppet Christmas Carol." My version obviously is going to be darker and have a very distinct "Borg Queen" sound to it. My "Bionic Holiday Ballad" action plan for the week is to sift through the screenplay again and determine at which points a song would fit.

Old Jenny would have written an action plan for this week that would have included the aforementioned plan, plus coming up with song titles, plus writing all the lyrics in one week. Old Jenny would have set themselves up for a stressful week and would be motivated to complete their action plan out of a fear of failure.

 Fear can be an effective motivator, but it's not a sustainable one and the cost is too high. Fear is something that has motivated me a lot in my life. It's also cost me my mental and physical health. One of the things I've been practicing over that past year is to not allow myself to take action as the result of fear. I'm learning to take action because I want to, not because I'm afraid of the consequences of inaction.

 The protagonist in "A Bionic Holiday Ballad" is Elanor Sharp a parallel to Ebenezar Scrooge. Scrooge is a character that if you really start examining their motives for their heinous behavior, you start to realize that their primary motivator is fear. Fear is going to be a major theme that is explored in the character of Elanor Sharp and I'm going to incorporate my own experience with being a workaholic motivated by fear into that character. However, getting to know Elanor Sharp is another blog post for another day.

For now I'm just going to work on my action plan for this week and enjoy the process. If you enjoyed reading this blog, and want to stay updated with what's going on with my project, then sign up for the mailing list at the top of the page. I love hearing feedback from you, so feel free to leave a comment or if you have any questions about what I've written just shoot me an email at borgqueenmusic@gmail.com

Rewiring Childhood

I haven't done anything artistically significant (by my own definition) in a while. Some might argue that working as a concept illustrator on Arrow for the past 2 years and and playing a show this past weekend are artistically significant, but by my impossibly high standards for myself I am doing the bare minimum. I spend most of my time in a state of introspection. I am working on healing my mind, body, soul and spirit. This is no easy task because for years I abused myself and have been subjected to the abuse of others. We all have, to varying degrees of course, but not one of us has come into adulthood unscathed. 

The ways in which we abuse ourselves are fascinating because the root is often not apparent. The origins of our self abuse stems from our childhood. Since many of us don't remember much from our early years, it may be hard to figure out where these destructive thought patterns which feed our destructive behaviors and toxic relationships came from. The point of discovering our dysfunctional origin is not to lay blame and absolve ourselves of responsibility, but rather to challenge those things that were said and done to us so that we can break the grip they still have on our lives today. We are essentially rewiring our brains by doing this.

I'll give you an example. My entire sense of self worth has come from the idea that I am intelligent, creative, artistically talented and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. This has hammered into me by my parents and affirmed by my teachers and peers. Even the kids who didn't like me and were super cruel to me still conceded that I was smart and talented. I may not have had friends, but at least I had a sharp mind and I could wow people with my artistic talents. As a result, I began to equate admiration with affection, but I rarely connected with anyone on a deep personal level. I never felt loved and accepted for who I was at my core. I derived my sense of value from my abilites and how much people admired me for them even if they didn't necessarily know me or even like me. I never learned to let anyone in and what intimacy really is. 

Now it's time to rewire. I'm beginning to see how years of placing my sense of self worth in my abilites isn't sustainable. In this stage of my life having a chronic illness and a host of mental health issues has diminished my ability to be this highly intelligent, extraordinary artist, who's a creative force to be reckoned with. I'm having to learn to derive my worth elsewhere and that's an uncomfortable place to be. I'm having to be compassionate with myself which is something I never learned in my childhood. I have to rewire that thought path in my mind that tells me "I have to exceed my previous achievements to have value." I'm working on changing that thought pattern to "I am enough as I am right now and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be." 

Nobody ever said anything like that to me as a kid so the thought had never occurred to me. The first time I heard it something along the lines that my worth doesn't come from my talents and abilities, I rejected it. I'm still having a tough time believing it, but I'm determined to change and grow. Change and growth takes time though. I have been making a concentrated effort to not do anything spectacular(by my old standard) yet still affirm that I am just as valuable, loveable and worthy of connection. Rewiring is hard work.

Mind Your Own Business

"Mind Your Own Business" was the topic of discussion this week in one of my recovery groups. I can't tell you specifically which fellowship it is because we agree to a policy anonymity. What I will say is the thing we all have in common in this group was that we have all been affected by someone else's substance use and in our attempts to help our loved one, we have neglected ourselves. So in this weeks meeting we shared our thoughts on what "Mind Your On Business" means and how we implement it in our own life.

For me, minding my own business is two fold principle:

1. Do Not Try To Control Others

Have you ever tried to change someone's mind? Were you successful? Probably not, and if they did change their mind it's because they chose to change their mind. They were likely presented with information that they considered carefully and then drew their own conclusions. Changing someone's behavior is even more impossible than changing someone's mind because the only person who change their behavior is themselves. We have a saying in my fellowship as it pertains to our loved one's substance use. "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it." This mantra can be applied to literally every behavior, not just substance use. 

Imagine how much more time and energy you would have to make a positive impact in the world if: 

a. You stopped trying to change other people's behavior
b. Only tried to improve and regulate yourself

2. Take Responsibility For Myself

So, for me the second part of minding my own business is to define what is my OWN business. My first duty is to look after myself. This doesn't mean I don't care about others. It just means that my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are my priority. 

As a parent I set a poor example to my children if I neglect myself. It's important for them to see a woman who respects herself enough to engage in a regular self care routine and set healthy boundaries. Witnessing this behavior at home teaches my kids that I am not here for their convenience and that bodily autonomy and mental wellness is paramount.

Setting healthy boundaries is a huge part of minding my own business and the biggest thing I've learned about boundaries is that they are about regulating my behavior and not someone else's. Here are some examples of my personal boundaries. Notice how all of them are about my behavior so that they are 100% enforceable by me.

1. I am responsible for managing my medical condition

2. I am financially autonomous, so that financial considerations won't dictate my relationship choices

3. I am not currently seeking an intimate partnership

4. My daily self care routine is a priority

Regulating my own behavior may not be easy, but it's a hell of a lot more effective than wasting my time and energy trying to improve another person. The great thing about boundaries that involve just myself is that I can change them at any time and not have to consult anyone else about it. When I mind my own business consistently, I notice an increase in my energy and peace of mind and this allows me to be more productive and contribute to the world around me in a positive way. 

I'll be honest for the past few years I did not mind my own business and paid the price heavily. I sacrificed my mental health and autonomy because I felt like minding someone else's business was the "right thing to do." I wrote my song Vampires out of the frustration I was feeling within my situation. Growing up female the message you're sent is that you are supposed to be nurturing, compassionate and self-sacrificing when it come to your family. While unconditional love and compassion are noble pursuit, they should never be used an excuse to accept a situation that is harmful to your health or dignity.

If you're interested in discussing any of these points further, feel free to shoot me an email because I'd love to hear from you borgqueenmusic@gmail.com

Embed for Vampires

Ups & Downs

Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

"Life is full of ups and downs" is what I tell myself when I'm in a slump. I find it helps me broaden my perspective and get unstuck when I find myself paralyzed by the effects on mental illness. If you're a fellow sufferer then you know the vicious cycle of feeling so shitty you can't seem to do anything proactive to change your situation which in turn makes you feel even more useless and shitty.

This cycle pretty much sums up my past week. I'm writing this post from my chip crumb filled bed and wearing my depression pants that really needed laundering 5 days ago. So, what happened? I was implementing a really consistent self care routine and starting to reap the benefits, then BOOM! I hit a wall.

First of all, I pushed myself too hard with working 12 hour days and making my Mummo's documentary. I didn't take the time to swim or meditate and my fibromyalgia flared up. Secondly, instead of stepping up my self care game, I let it slide completely. I started compulsively comfort eating, which made me even more tired. Being tired feeds my depression because I feel completely unmotivated to do anything beneficial for myself. Now I'm wallowing and feeling stuck, but you know what? I'm owning it because life is full of ups and downs and this is a down. Denying my feelings or feeling guilty about depression won't change what is. Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

Sure there are things out of my control, like other people's actions and the fact that I was born with a neurotransmitter imbalance, and these factors sometimes make it difficult to cope. However, there have been times when I have been able to "rise above" my circumstances and experience serenity, contentment and even happiness. I just have to remind myself that it's ok to have bad days or weeks or even months. Hell, I've had bad years...2016-2018 I'm looking at you, but I've also had moments of joy and experienced contentment because life is full of ups and downs.

Burning Out

If you read this blog before, you'll have noticed that my posts have a mental health and psychology angle. As a content creator, I believe I have a responsibility to use my talents and influence for a positive purpose. Mental health is near and dear to my heart because it's something I've struggled with my entire life. I try to be as transparent as possible with my struggles and triumphs because I believe that the best art is honest, raw and unapologetic in nature. That being said, I have to confess something...I'm burning out big time.

The past 3 years has been a time of tremendous growth for me as an artist. I left behind a secure decently paid job as an interior designer to pursue a career as an independent artist. I've been burning the candle at both ends the entire time working 80 hours a week not just on my music and art, but also film projects and other creative gigs to help pay the bills(plus I'm a mom). My investment has paid off in many ways as I've been able to fund the completion of two albums and 3 high production value music videos. My fan base and visibility is constantly growing and I'm so grateful for all of the support I've received. However, my forward momentum has come at a very steep price...my health.

Because I have fibromyalgia my physical health is very fragile. Admittedly, I don't take care good enough care of myself for someone who has a chronic illness and even if I didn't have a medical condition I push myself too hard. If I'm to be perfectly honest, my obsessive need to be productive is a mental illness in an of itself. It's something I now have to address because I've reached my breaking point. I'm literally writing this post from bed because I'm completely incapacitated.

My life has become unmanageable and I need help. Thankfully I do see a therapist weekly for other issues and last week I finally admitted my desperate need to address my workaholism. I had to admit to that it has been a form of self-medication and a coping mechanism to keep me from falling apart during the breakdown of life as I know it. The thing about my drive and need to be productive is that it isn't negative if kept it check. My therapist likened my work addiction to a compulsive over-eating disorder. When some is a compulsive over eater the treatment isn't to abstain from eating entirely. We agreed that my drive to create and be productive is necessary for my mental well-being, but the trick is to strictly regulate my workload, and make sure that I engage in a proper physical self-care routine.

For the next little while I'm going to be taking a mental and physical health break to get my life back on track. I want to make it clear that I'm not quitting or giving up, but I do need to take a bit of time to just focus on getting healthy again. After I release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears April 30th, I won't be working on any new material until I've achieved a better work-life balance. I had planned to start working on 2 films that would feature my music plus a new album, but that will have to be put on hold...for now.

I might play the odd show here an there, so if you'd like to stay in touch be notified about when and where I'll be performing you can sign up for my mailing list here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/mailing-list-signup 

Mental Health Matters

My 2nd cousin died from an overdose a couple days ago. It's affected me in a very profound way even though I barely knew him. In fact, the last time I saw him was at his brother's memorial service 11 years ago. His brother incidentally died from an alcohol related accident. I'm extremely sad for their parents who have now lost two of their children, but I'm also angry. I'm angry because of the way we as a society stigmatize and treat people who abuse substances. We shame them. We blame them. We tell them things like "you're strong" and "you got this" and it's not helpful. If they were strong and could cope with their issues, they wouldn't be self-medicating.

Substance abuse and self-medication are a symptom of unchecked mental issues, and mental health is not just an issue for those who suffer from it's various conditions. It affects everyone. In a way, poor mental health is contagious. Being close to someone who suffers from poor mental health will eventually take it's toll on everyone around them. In my life right now the 5 people closest to me(including myself) are suffering from mental health issues. I know there's at least one person in your life that's dealing with something too. It may even be you.

"Mental health is a personal, relationship, family and community issue"

Personal

I have battled depression since childhood. The war against depression is not over, but I'm still here, so it means that I've won every battle so far. At least that's the way I like to look at it. So, if you're reading this and you suffer from a mental health condition it means that you're a warrior. I can tell you from personal experience that it's a lot more effective to fight a mental health battle with an army. If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health condition I strongly suggest seeking professional help. It may be one professional like a counselor or a team that includes a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist and/or social worker too. These professionals are experts in the field of 'broken people.' If your car is broken, you take it to a mechanic, right? You probably wouldn't just let it sit there and complain about it on Facebook. Well, maybe you would, but it wouldn't fix the car. The point is, seeking professional help is the first step to getting healthy.

I can also tell you from personal experience that multiple weapons for combating mental illness have more success in the long term than a singular approach. Medication may be helpful to balance brain chemistry, but so is regular exercise and proper nutrition. Relaxation techniques like yoga, deep breathing and meditation combat the physical effects of stress that aggravate mental illness. Having an emotional outlet is really important too. This could be talking to someone you trust or writing your thoughts feelings down. It's important to get them out. Personally, I see a counselor and I channel my demons into music and art. What I've learned over the years that I've had to fight my depression is the more weapons in my arsenal, the more successful I am.

Relationships

Relationship breakdowns usually involve mental health issues. It may be one or both parties. Any relationship I've had that's gone horribly wrong whether it be friendship, romantic or even business, poor mental health has played the biggest role. The thing about relationships is that they involve 2 parties and not just one, so even if one party is taking care of their mental health the relationship will still be toxic if the other party has unchecked mental health issues. 

The thing to remember about any relationship is that you are only responsible for yourself. If the other person in the relationship isn't taking responsibility for their own mental health, it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship and put some boundaries in place to preserve your own mental health. Putting up boundaries is hard. Sometimes it means limiting or cutting off contact with a person you love deeply until they decide to seek help.The old saying is true, "When you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go."

Family

Is there anything more complicated than family relationships? Not in my experience. There's the hereditary component. Conditions like bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia are genetic. There's also the fact that these people influenced you in your formative years. They're largely responsible for the state of your mental health. That being said, they are not responsible for your behavior. That's on you. 

If a child grows up in an environment with caregivers who suffer from mental health issues, that child will grow into an adult with mental health issues. I love my parents and in general they were good people who had my best interests at heart, but they had their own set of mental health problems. I grew up in the 80's and 90's. Back then having "mental health issues" meant that you were institutionalized. There wasn't the level of awareness that there is now. 

Familial roles were also more rigid back then. Men were supposed to be strong, women were supposed to be supportive and children were supposed to remain quiet. This meant that men couldn't ask for help because they would be considered weak. Women were expected to put up with all kinds of bullshit at the expense of their sanity and self preservation. Because the parents remained silent, kids grew up with the idea that their parents wouldn't understand what they were going through. Everyone suffered in silence.

Times have changed thankfully. Many of us kids who were afraid to talk to our parents now have a much more open line of communication with our kids. It's important for a kid to have a "safe adult" to talk to. If a child opens up to you about something they did or how they feel, the best thing you can do is listen without judgement.

Community

There needs to be more resources within communities to support people struggling with their mental health. Mental health education from early childhood should be mandatory in school curriculum. We need to elect governments on every level that recognize this. If you're able to do so, make charitable a donation to a reputable non-profit society that offers mental health support and services. Finally, as individuals with in a community we need to stop judging each other. Every single one of us is going to be affected by mental health issues in our life time. Self-medication isn't just drug and alcohol use. Medication, can be food, sex, entertainment, spirituality, exercise, work etc. None of these "medications" are unhealthy on their own. In moderation they contribute to mental wellness. The thing to remember is the difference between medicine and poison is in the dose.

I know this post wasn't directly about my art, but as an artist my subject matter is inspired by mental health issues. I believe strongly that it's important to have a conversation with my audience about these struggles that we all face, so we don't have to face them alone.

Finding Purpose

If you read my last post I mentioned that I felt compelled to make a booklet of my art and lyrics from Sex Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles to give as a gift to the women I've shared the stage with over the years to give some higher purpose to my art and the relationships I formed in the exotic entertainment industry. I wrote a dedication to my stripper sisters in the hopes that my experience in the industry plus my personal struggles with addiction and mental illness could serve as a reminder of hope in dark times. You can download a pdf copy of the booklet below or read the dedication in my last post

click to download pdf

Over the past few days I distributed the booklet and the response far exceeded my expectations. One woman sent me this that has really stuck with me over the past few days.

What resonated was she thanked me for giving purpose to what we do. It may seem odd think that there's a purpose to being a stripper other than making money, but there can be a purpose to any experience if we see our lives as purposeful. Every experience whether good or bad has purpose. Even the so-called bad things, poor choices and challenges can be turned into something positive. Difficult times can ultimately make us stronger, wiser and more compassionate if we choose to look outward rather than inward. If we choose learn from hard times, we can implement that knowledge to better ourselves and ultimately the world around us.

I truly believe that our time here on this planet can serve a greater purpose than perpetuating the cycle of acquiring material wealth, procreating and passing on our material assets to the next generation. I believe that every person has value and that value is not determined by their income potential, but rather who they are and what makes them unique.

Dedication: To My Stripper Sisters

I haven't written here for a bit or really worked on anything Borg Queen related because I needed a bit of a break. I've been stuck in a bit of a rut, not creatively but definitely on a personal level. So, I decided to switch it up. I spent the last two weeks engaging in way more social and recreational activities than I have in years. Mind you one of them was working on a film, but I'm a workaholic so cut me some slack on that one.

Having these two weeks off has given me perspective. It made me realize that I've been somewhat derailed when it comes to finding a higher purpose within my art. It was that lack of purpose that had sent me into that rut. By an incredibly bizarre turn of events which almost seem like divine intervention, I ended up having a series of conversations with a person who reminded me that my life experiences, talents and abilities should all serve a higher purpose.

I was reminded me of the original reason I wrote Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. I wanted to pay it forward through my ability to create art and music. I've struggled with mental illness and at times addiction for a good chunk of my life. At times it's seemed hopeless and I've been trapped in a pit of despair, but eventually I was able to get through it, and what helped me get through was the example of other people who I could identify with who faced the same demons.

My personal inspiration was Trent Reznor. I could identify with him being a creative person as myself, and also the struggles with depression he wrote about in his music. It was comforting to know that I was not alone in those struggles. When he decided to get sober it inspired me. I looked at him and said to myself, "If he can go through all of that and come out on the other side a better person and an even more prolific artist, then so can I." My hope is that by sharing my journey it will do the same for people who can identify with me.

Last week one of the women I share the stage with as a stripper died. We weren't super close, but her death has affected me greatly because as "stripper sisters" we shared so many of the same experiences. I wanted to do something for the survivors, the women left behind. Because of the human condition we all have demons that afflict our lives, but our common experience as strippers means that we face a lot of the same struggles. So, I made a special hard copy booklet edition of my art and lyrics that I'm gifting to the women I have shared the stage with.

Click to download PDF version of the booklet

Even if you don't download the full booklet I still wanted to share with you the dedication on the front page.

To my stripper sisters,

I wrote these songs and painted these pictures about us for us. Even though we all come from different backgrounds, we share the same experiences in this unique world that we collectively create in the strip club. I've shared these songs to the world so that we could be humanized, for the moment we strap on those heels we become a commodity. It can be argued that in any job we are commodified, but our struggles are unique because our job requires us to be an unrealistic ideal of womanhood catering to the most basic of human needs. It's ironic that we sacrifice our humanity so that our customers can indulge themselves in the most basic of human instincts. 

Existing several hours a week as an alter ego that has a dollar value assigned to her can be isolating and dehumanizing at times and it's easy to get lost in the world of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. Losing your sense of identity and purpose is the gateway to mental illness which goes hand in hand with addiction and other self destructive behaviors. This collection of paintings and songs is my journey through world of strip clubs. It's the story of how I got lost in a world shrouded by depression and addiction, but found myself again. It's been extremely dark at times, but overall very enlightening. I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that if you are struggling through some dark times that you will know that you are not alone and there is always hope because your life has purpose and value.

Doing a job where our value is determined by our sex appeal, physical appearance and our ability to conform to what someone's idea of the perfect woman is, can make us lose sight of where our true value lies. If there's one message I want to convey to you it's that your value is intrinsic. It's not determined by how much money you make, how beautiful you are, or even how talented or intelligent you may be. Your value remains constant throughout your existence. On the day you were born you had no skills or abilities, yet your life mattered and had a purpose. It always has and always will.

I write this letter to you as Jenny Kirby the woman behind the alter egos of Venus DeMilo and Buffy. I started doing this job 17 years ago, and I've seen it all. I've done it all. I've experienced this world as 19 year old art school student paying her tuition. I've experienced this world as an addict crippled by depression. I've experienced this world as a single mother supporting her family. I've experienced this world as a woman trying to make enough money to leave an abusive relationship. I've experienced this world as an artist supplementing her income. I've experienced this world as an educated mature sober woman with a higher purpose and that purpose is to let you know that no matter where you are on your journey, you are loved, you have purpose, you have value and you can overcome anything.

In The Moment

I remember the first time I felt the tight grip of depression. I was 7. It was a sunny spring day and I was having dinner. In a singular moment I felt a disconnect from the world around me. I was aware of the weather, my family and the delicious meal in front of me, but it all of a sudden the significance of it disappeared. I went inside myself and began asking myself questions, like "what is the point of all of this? Does it matter? I'm just going to grow up, only to die and in the meantime I'm just finding things to do to kill time before my inevitable demise." I looked at my food and was no longer hungry. I felt a heavy weight in my chest. I sat there at the dinner table that evening at seven years old questioning my existence while the rest of my family shoveled food into their faces. I had never felt so overwhelmed yet empty at the same time. I had traveled to a dark lonely place I didn't know had existed until that moment. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to leave that dark corner of my mind and forget it, but it's one those things that once you learn of its existence there's no unlearning it.

The next day I woke up and went about my day as per usual, school, ballet, dinner, TV and then bed. I didn't go to that place, I stayed in the moment all day. I was connected to my world again. The weight in my chest wasn't there. I had snapped out of my shadow place and come back to the present.

I didn't revisit that place until a few years later. I was 10 and would get drawn back into myself for a day or two and then snap back to the present, but as I got older the frequency and duration of my visits to the void increased. Eventually I began to dwell there. When you make that place a home is the point where it becomes clinical depression, and when something is clinical, it means that there's usually some kind of medication to make you forget about the void.

I've tried several forms of medication to alleviate my depression. Some of the medications have been prescribed by a doctor, others I have prescribed for myself. Whatever my drug of choice has been whether it's Zoloft, alcohol, sex or work, it's never been entirely effective. I still slip away into the void. Why is that?

The answer can be found in childhood itself. The thing I miss the most about being a kid is living in the moment every second of the day. While medicating depression can be helpful to address the neuro chemical issues that are going on, I've noticed that medication in it's many forms only part of the solution. When I am mindful of the present, I can escape the void.

I've been struggling with some pretty serious depression over the past year and for reasons I'm not going into right now, I can't take prescription drugs. I also refuse to self medicate because I know for myself it's a slippery slope back into addiction. So what do I do?

I become like a child again. It's a form of self care. I play. I think about nothing else except what I'm doing in that moment of play and I relish it.

Playing can really be anything as long as it's done purely for enjoyment and there is no responsibility attached to it. For example, I go for walks in the nature and imagine that I'm exploring a new world. I touch the bark of the trees. I feel the sensation of the texture on my fingertips. I look at the leaves and notice the veins. I look at my skin and see my own veins. I pretend that I'm a tree and feel my feet on the ground. I picture my body drawing the nutrients out of the earth and it's life flowing into my veins just like the leaves. It may sound silly, but it helps.

I know that one day I won't visit the void nearly as often. For now it's a struggle, but as long as I take the time to play I can bring myself back to the moment and back to life.

My favorite song is Nine Inch Nails' Into The Void because not only is it a beautifully crafted piece of music, but lyrically describes exactly the struggle I've faced when trying to fight depression. This line from the song sums it all up.

"Try to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away."

I'll leave you with the song. I urge you to listen to it, in it's entirety. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone in the void.

The Art Of Sexual Assault

UPDATE January 15, 2017 

Hedonist is the victim impact statement I wrote in the form of song after the police told me that there was nothing they could do for me because they didn't have enough evidence to press charges against my assailant. Sadly, this scenario is all too common even in "progressive" western society.

A Victim Impact Statement Through Art, Music & Video

To say the past month has been rough would be a gross understatement. In a follow up to my recent post Crippling Horrible Depression where I discuss the emotional impact of my recent sexual assault, today I want to touch upon the artistic impact my sexual assaults have had. Yes, you read that correctly...assaults...as in, more than one time. In fact, I've been sexually violated in the criminal sense 6 times in the past 20 years and it does have somewhat of a cumulative effect especially considering that not once, despite filing police reports has it ever led to my assailants being brought up on charges. The disgusting reality is that each and every time, my integrity has come into question and I've been subject to victim blaming and dismissive attitudes by law enforcement and legal professionals.

In many ways being the victim of sex crimes and a failing justice system has shaped me into the type of artist that I am today. I don't paint pretty pictures or write songs about sunny days. Not that there's anything wrong with that kind of art, but if I am going to have these shitty things happen to me I at least want it to count for something. I want to draw attention through my art to social injustices. I want to empower victims to take a stand and speak up. I want young women to know that it is not their fault and it IS a big deal that someone has violated their sexual autonomy. I want comfort my fellow victims and let them know that they are not alone in their pain. I want to call out the powers that be in their failure to protect the public because they're too concerned with protecting their own interests.

In the music video We're All Whore I call out the corrupt justice system that has failed me as a victim of sexual assault time and time again.

A judge is transformed into a twisted version of Lady Justice to show that even the noblest of institution can be corrupted by money and power.

I want to educate the public about sexual assault and it's impacts on society as a whole. What most people picture when you say "sexual assault" is a woman walking alone in a dark place and all of a sudden a man with a weapon jumps out, forces her to the ground, threatens her and rapes her causing massive bodily trauma in the process. While this is a type of sexual assault specifically called aggravated rape it is hardly the most common form of sexual assault. Most sexual assaults involve someone who is already known to the victim. Most sexual assaults involve coercion and manipulation of the victim.

Not all sexual assaults are rape, but ALL sexual assaults involve a lack of consent. Of the six incidents of sexual assault happened to me 3 involved non consentual vaginal penetration but only 2 would be considered rape. Of the two times I was raped both times it was by someone I was well acquainted with. In fact one of my assailants was a domestic partner. Only 2 out of the six times I was assaulted, it was by a stranger. 3 out of the 6 times it happened was in a workplace situation. One time it was within the medical profession while I was seeking treatment for my fibromyalgia.

Each time it's happened it takes a bit to process what just happened to me. My initial reaction is that of shock, then I feel like throwing up, then I feel fear, then anger, then confusion, then disbelief until I run through the incident in my head again and realize that yes, that really did happen to me again. Then I have to decide what I'm going to do about it. Do I let it go,or do I confront my assailant, or do I report it? 4 out of the six times I reported what happened to me and 4 out of 4 times nothing happened as far as legal consequences of any kind for my assailants. Disappointed doesn't even begin to explain the tornado of emotion that has raged in me each an every time I have experienced this injustice. 

In the Hedonist music video I use surgery as a visual metaphor for sexual assault

A victim lays helpless on the operating table while the assailant cuts into her violating her physical autonomy.

The idea was to capture the impact of sexual assualt on the victim's entire being through violent imagery. I want to show the audience that "this is how it feels. You're stuck, powerless and someone has control over your body and the trauma of the event will continue to haunt your soul"

What makes the experience of being sexually assaulted and not having acknowledged and legitimzed through the criminal justice system even more infuriating is knowing that something like this has happened to every woman I know! I know the official North American statistic is that 1 in 4 women experience sexual assault, but it's gotta be higher. Either way, it's a serious social problem and it has to change! Too many of us victims don't tell anyone that it happened. Too many of us just sweep it under the rug and try to just "get on" with our lives. Too many of us feel guilt, shame and blame ourselves for what happened. Too many of us don't report it to the proper authorities or if we do, it's been such a long time that all the evidence has disappeared. Too many of us think that because we weren't "raped" that we have less of a right to feel violated.

I want to encourage other victims to talk about it, report it and even if they don't see any justice through our broken legal system to write a victim impact statement as they would do if their case actually went to court. I write my victim impact statements through my art and music. It's how I work through it. My painting, song and music video Hedonist is my victim impact statement. Through words and images I acknowledge what happened and it's profound effect on every aspect of my life and the people closest to me. Writing a victim impact statement doesn't have to be a work of art, but trust me that getting it out has been therapeutic and healing. I encourage everyone to write one no matter how long ago it happened and no matter what the legal outcome was.

Sexual assault and it's aftermath has a snowball affect on it's victims. It leads to mental health issues, which can lead to self destructive behaviour like eating disorders, self harm and substance abuse. Addiction is a massive social problem and studies of female addicts have shown that almost 100% have suffered sexual abuse. The mental health issues experienced by sexual assault victims can impede their ability to earn a living and be productive members of society. So, it's not just the victims(at least 25% of women) who suffer, but society as a whole.

The imagery in the music video Hedonist is designed to show the complexity of the relationship between sexual abuse, mental illness and addiction.

The bottom line is that if you are a victim of ANY form of sexual assault I encourage you to make as much noise about it as possible. Report it to the police. Write a victim impact statement even if it doesn't go to court. If you feel you justice wasn't served or you weren't taken seriously, go to the media. Talk to a lawyer to see what your legal options are. Fight back! Tell someone you trust. Hell! Email me about it at borgqueenmusic@gmail.com I'll listen to you, even if no one else does.

If someone close to you was sexually assaulted encourage them to do all of the above and hold their hand through it all so that they know they're not alone.

Art Therapy

"..the painting is a really crucial part of the artistic process for me. I helps me organize my ideas and visually convey the concept behind every song."

I'm offering prints of my paintings as perks as part of my crowdfunding campaign

In my project Borg Queen I wear many hats. Having a career where I can use as many of my skills as possible and be creative has been a lifelong goal of mine. I knew I could never be content just doing one thing. I have to do all the things! The trouble was that I could never find a "job" where I could do that. When people ask me what I do I'm reluctant to tell them that, "I bring complex psychological concepts to life through as many artistic disciplines as possible" because it makes me sound like a pretentious douche, BUT that's exactly what I do. Most of the time I just tell them I'm an artist or a musician and that will usually segway into a conversation about all the shit that I do within this project that I call Borg Queen.

Today's post isn't about everything I do because that would make for an extremely long post, and who has time these days to read something longer than 5 paragraphs with all that other click bait you have to get to. Today's focus is the paintings that I create for every song that I write. Doing the painting is a really crucial part of the artistic process for me. I helps me organize my ideas and visually convey the concept behind every song.

My album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs and 10 paintings that tell a true story of why I fell into addiction and how I found my way out. SDSBP is a coming of age story set in a strip club. Each song is a life lesson or insight I gained from working as a stripper. The first 5 songs are written from my perspective as an addict who had lost all hope and put her faith in money. The turning point in the album is when I have a spiritual awakening and the last 5 songs are written from my perspective as a woman who has come into her own and discovered her life purpose despite still being a stripper.

Track List & Paintings

Prints of all the paintings are being offered as perks through my current crowdfunding campaign on Indigogo https://igg.me/at/SexDrugsAlbum

1. This Is Real – 

It’s a reverse Cinderella story. It’s about having being a young adult with goals, hopes and ambitions, but having them destroyed by circumstances beyond control like illness, a bad economy and death. It’s about the huge mistake a lot of young people make which is making money a priority in life. I foolishly thought that money would solve all my problems and give me comfort, but when it didn’t I became depressed and turned to alcohol and drugs.

2. Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles – 

In short it’s about the trap of greed that a lot of strippers fall into. You get so obsessed with making money that you lose perspective and fall into a vicious cycle of making a bunch of money, but spending it as fast as you make and never getting ahead.

3. Little Miss Liquid Courage – 

It’s about me selling out to the playboy standard of beauty so I could make more money as a stripper. There’s a tremendous amount of pressure in the exotic entertainment industry to make yourself look as close to humanly possible as a Barbie Doll just so you can make more money. Sadly, I succumbed to that pressure and hated myself for it.

4. Hedonist: The Birth Of Venus Demilo – 

It’s about me coping with domestic abuse by turning to various forms of hedonism that were in turn killing me. My hedonist lifestyle took over my personality and eventually transformed me into the alter ego that I was playing on stage.

5. The Bottom Of The Glass –

 It’s about hitting rock bottom as an addict, being totally alone and just crying out to anyone or anything that will listen.

6. My Resurrection – 

It’s the turning point and about facing my demons of greed, abuse and addiction and telling them that they no longer control me.

7. It’s Over – 

It’s a break up song about my abusive relationship with my addictions.

8. We’re All Whores – 

It’s an insight that I had when a customer basically called me a whore for taking my clothes off for money. We all have a price. We’re all a commodity. We’ve all done something for money that we wouldn’t have done otherwise. Therefore, we’re all whores.

9. Lapdance Romance – 

When you’re a stripper you’re not supposed to fall for the customers, but it ended up happening to me. I tried to deny my feelings for him, but I couldn’t so I took a chance, gave up control and allowed myself to fall in love.

10. Imago Dei – 

It’s Latin for image of God. It’s about being a stripper and a person of faith at the same time.

Prints available through my Indigogo crowdfund here

Depression: There Is Hope

In the wake of Robin Williams' death there has been a seemingly increased online conversation about depression. Depression is a topic that affects everyone, not just the sufferers, but this post is directed to those who are currently battling this all encompassing disease. I'm not anybody famous, or noteworthy. I'm just an artist telling her story. I've suffered from depression since childhood and I've learned some things about depression that I'd like to share.

1. It's OK That You're Depressed Right Now
Life has many seasons. There are ups and downs. It's OK and even normal to go through periods of depression.If you're struggling with depression right now, know that it's OK to be depressed. If this is where you currently are on you're life's journey then accept that this is where you're at right now is the first step to recovery.

2. Depression Is A Legitimate Medical Condition
I'm not going into too much scientific detail on this one, because it's a mainstream medical view that depression is a medical condition. Should a diabetic be overcome with guilt because of their medical condition? Of course not, and neither should you.

3.Your Illness Does Not Define You
No one single characteristic that you possess defines you. Your age, race, sexual orientation, religion, marital status, parental status, disability, career or medical condition are simply characteristics that make you more multidimensional, but not a single one of these things will add value or devalue your worth. Just because a person is blind for example doesn't mean that being blind is all that there is too them, and it certainly doesn't make them any less valuable. Similarly, being depressed does not devalue your worth as a person.  You are just as incredible, worthwhile and unique whether you're feeling wonderful or in currently stuck the pit of despair.

4. There Is Hope
You may not feel like there is any hope right now, but I promise you as someone who struggles with this illness, that there is hope and you are loved. You may say to yourself, but I have no one and I'm all alone, so how can anyone love me? Maybe you're not surrounded with the right people right now, but at some point in your life, if it hasn't already happened, you will be loved by someone. So hang in there. Love is worth living for and it will find you, but the first step to letting love find you is to learn to love yourself. Help is available and there are many people who do care, and have dedicated their lives to helping people suffering from depression. You don't need to suffer in silence anymore, so talk to someone, you'd be surprised at how supportive people really are.

Because this is my blog about my art and music I'm including an instrumental version of a song and the painting I've about overcoming depression called My Resurrection. My biggest reason for sharing my art with the world is that I know the power it has to reach people and touch them on a personal level. One of my greatest influences Trent Reznor is famous for writing songs about isolation and depression. Listening to his music has been therapeutic for me because it's made realize that I'm not alone in this and there are others out there who do understand. I've also posted some links at the bottom of this page to resources available to those suffering from depression.

Online Depression Resources - WebMD

Depression - Canadian Mental Health Association

Crisis Intervention & Suicide Prevention-British Columbia