What Matters Most

Life is not without it's challenges. As a privileged North American, I've grown accustomed to living a life of convenience. Our entire economy is driven by industries who pedal products and services aimed at making every interaction in our lives more convenient. Obviously, this has it's advantages, but there is a serious problem that has arisen from it. We have come to view challenges not as an opportunity for growth, but rather see them as grave injustices that we don't deserve to be subject to.

In the past week I've encountered some very significant challenges. Specifically, I'm being drawn back into a legal battle with my ex husband for the 4th time since I left him. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm due to release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears in March and there are several costly steps involved in that process. Having to go to court again is going to deplete my resources, and I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to get everything done in time for the release. Going to court costs money and time. The financial cost is an annoyance, but what really pisses me off is the amount of time I'm going to have to dedicate to dealing with a person who seemingly takes a perverse pleasure in making my life more difficult.

This is where my resolve begins to falter and I am tempted to adopt a victim mentality. I ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he just leave me alone? Is it not enough that he controlled my life for 7 years? Is it not enough that he has never had to face the legal consequences of inflicting violence one me? Is it not enough that he is still able to control me to some degree through our son?" While it is a fact that I was a victim of his physical and psychological violence, I cannot allow myself to become a victim of my circumstances. Is it fair that I have to keep dealing with someone who has abused me for years? No, but life isn't fair and I shouldn't expect it to be fair or easy.

I am discouraged at the moment, but I cannot allow myself to wallow. I have to remind myself of the things that really do matter and let go of my attachments. Because I let go of my attachment to money several years ago, the financial repercussions of this legal battle aren't something that I'm going to worry myself sick over. What I am really struggling with is the time I'm going to have to sacrifice. I feel like my time could be better spent working on my EP release.

Ultimately it's my attachment to my identity as an artist that I need to let go of. I'm angry because I've worked so hard up to this point and I feel like it's all falling apart at the most critical moment. What I really need to remember is that my identity as an artist is not what matters. What matters is how I use my art to affect the world around me. Being an artist doesn't matter unless it has a positive impact on people's lives. Period.

I am grateful for an upcoming opportunity that I have to exhibit my art at the Taboo Show in Vancouver from February 2nd-4th. I'm sure my ego will be stroked by the experience and I'll make some money from selling prints, but what matters most is the connection I'll make with people by sharing my story of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. It's a story that I chose to share with the world because I wanted to give people hope. I want show them that their value is not determined by their job, social status, abilities or wealth. Value is intrinsic and no person or life circumstance can take that away.

Follow this link for more information about the event

MONEY! The cause of and solution to all my problems.

Artists are slaves to their art, but money makes slaves of us all.

Ah money. How I loathe thee, but if I only had more my life would be so much easier. I learned a long time ago that money does not make me happy, but it sure as hell would make my artistic career aspirations come to fruition a LOT sooner and with greater ease. I find myself faced with the same old dilemma that most artists, whether they be actors, musicians or really any self employed creative individual is faced with. How do I get the money that I need to launch my career and support myself, and still have enough time to work on my career while balancing my stupid(and often low paying) regular Joe job and working on the career that I really love and want to do?

Starting out in any business is not easy, and the music business is no exception. I need money to finish my album and produce my show based on the album I'm writing, and let me tell ya, my regular jack-off job as an interior designer ain't cuttin' it. Yes, I have enough money to live and put food on the table, but there's barely any extra to throw into my music. It also doesn't help that I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world where the cost of living is ridiculous! Don't get me wrong, I love Vancouver and I certainly wouldn't want to live anywhere else in Canada given a choice, and where else am I going to find the resources, people, and market to launch an arts and entertainment career in Canada? Toronto, maybe, but who the hell wants to live there? Angry people who like the Toronto Maple Leafs, acid rain and cold winters, that's who, but that's not me, so here I am struggling to make a living in beautiful, temperate, laid-back Vancouver while trying to scrape together enough cash to make a go of it with my music and art.

So what do I do? Do I turn to the oldest profession and whore myself to upscale clientele at $500/hr(yes, I'm that good)? Hopefully not. My plan A is to determine how much money I need to finish the album and produce the show, and then try to get a business loan from the bank. Of course, this plan presents it's own set of challenges. First, I need to write up a business plan in order to be taken seriously by any financial institution. Thankfully, I have done this before and know what to do. So next, on my ever growing list of things to do is write up a business plan for Borg Queen and present it to the bank, and pray to God that they think I'm as awesome as I think I am and lend me the money I need to continue to follow my dreams. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it.