Burning Out

If you read this blog before, you'll have noticed that my posts have a mental health and psychology angle. As a content creator, I believe I have a responsibility to use my talents and influence for a positive purpose. Mental health is near and dear to my heart because it's something I've struggled with my entire life. I try to be as transparent as possible with my struggles and triumphs because I believe that the best art is honest, raw and unapologetic in nature. That being said, I have to confess something...I'm burning out big time.

The past 3 years has been a time of tremendous growth for me as an artist. I left behind a secure decently paid job as an interior designer to pursue a career as an independent artist. I've been burning the candle at both ends the entire time working 80 hours a week not just on my music and art, but also film projects and other creative gigs to help pay the bills(plus I'm a mom). My investment has paid off in many ways as I've been able to fund the completion of two albums and 3 high production value music videos. My fan base and visibility is constantly growing and I'm so grateful for all of the support I've received. However, my forward momentum has come at a very steep price...my health.

Because I have fibromyalgia my physical health is very fragile. Admittedly, I don't take care good enough care of myself for someone who has a chronic illness and even if I didn't have a medical condition I push myself too hard. If I'm to be perfectly honest, my obsessive need to be productive is a mental illness in an of itself. It's something I now have to address because I've reached my breaking point. I'm literally writing this post from bed because I'm completely incapacitated.

My life has become unmanageable and I need help. Thankfully I do see a therapist weekly for other issues and last week I finally admitted my desperate need to address my workaholism. I had to admit to that it has been a form of self-medication and a coping mechanism to keep me from falling apart during the breakdown of life as I know it. The thing about my drive and need to be productive is that it isn't negative if kept it check. My therapist likened my work addiction to a compulsive over-eating disorder. When some is a compulsive over eater the treatment isn't to abstain from eating entirely. We agreed that my drive to create and be productive is necessary for my mental well-being, but the trick is to strictly regulate my workload, and make sure that I engage in a proper physical self-care routine.

For the next little while I'm going to be taking a mental and physical health break to get my life back on track. I want to make it clear that I'm not quitting or giving up, but I do need to take a bit of time to just focus on getting healthy again. After I release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears April 30th, I won't be working on any new material until I've achieved a better work-life balance. I had planned to start working on 2 films that would feature my music plus a new album, but that will have to be put on hold...for now.

I might play the odd show here an there, so if you'd like to stay in touch be notified about when and where I'll be performing you can sign up for my mailing list here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/mailing-list-signup 

Mental Health Matters

My 2nd cousin died from an overdose a couple days ago. It's affected me in a very profound way even though I barely knew him. In fact, the last time I saw him was at his brother's memorial service 11 years ago. His brother incidentally died from an alcohol related accident. I'm extremely sad for their parents who have now lost two of their children, but I'm also angry. I'm angry because of the way we as a society stigmatize and treat people who abuse substances. We shame them. We blame them. We tell them things like "you're strong" and "you got this" and it's not helpful. If they were strong and could cope with their issues, they wouldn't be self-medicating.

Substance abuse and self-medication are a symptom of unchecked mental issues, and mental health is not just an issue for those who suffer from it's various conditions. It affects everyone. In a way, poor mental health is contagious. Being close to someone who suffers from poor mental health will eventually take it's toll on everyone around them. In my life right now the 5 people closest to me(including myself) are suffering from mental health issues. I know there's at least one person in your life that's dealing with something too. It may even be you.

"Mental health is a personal, relationship, family and community issue"

Personal

I have battled depression since childhood. The war against depression is not over, but I'm still here, so it means that I've won every battle so far. At least that's the way I like to look at it. So, if you're reading this and you suffer from a mental health condition it means that you're a warrior. I can tell you from personal experience that it's a lot more effective to fight a mental health battle with an army. If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health condition I strongly suggest seeking professional help. It may be one professional like a counselor or a team that includes a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist and/or social worker too. These professionals are experts in the field of 'broken people.' If your car is broken, you take it to a mechanic, right? You probably wouldn't just let it sit there and complain about it on Facebook. Well, maybe you would, but it wouldn't fix the car. The point is, seeking professional help is the first step to getting healthy.

I can also tell you from personal experience that multiple weapons for combating mental illness have more success in the long term than a singular approach. Medication may be helpful to balance brain chemistry, but so is regular exercise and proper nutrition. Relaxation techniques like yoga, deep breathing and meditation combat the physical effects of stress that aggravate mental illness. Having an emotional outlet is really important too. This could be talking to someone you trust or writing your thoughts feelings down. It's important to get them out. Personally, I see a counselor and I channel my demons into music and art. What I've learned over the years that I've had to fight my depression is the more weapons in my arsenal, the more successful I am.

Relationships

Relationship breakdowns usually involve mental health issues. It may be one or both parties. Any relationship I've had that's gone horribly wrong whether it be friendship, romantic or even business, poor mental health has played the biggest role. The thing about relationships is that they involve 2 parties and not just one, so even if one party is taking care of their mental health the relationship will still be toxic if the other party has unchecked mental health issues. 

The thing to remember about any relationship is that you are only responsible for yourself. If the other person in the relationship isn't taking responsibility for their own mental health, it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship and put some boundaries in place to preserve your own mental health. Putting up boundaries is hard. Sometimes it means limiting or cutting off contact with a person you love deeply until they decide to seek help.The old saying is true, "When you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go."

Family

Is there anything more complicated than family relationships? Not in my experience. There's the hereditary component. Conditions like bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia are genetic. There's also the fact that these people influenced you in your formative years. They're largely responsible for the state of your mental health. That being said, they are not responsible for your behavior. That's on you. 

If a child grows up in an environment with caregivers who suffer from mental health issues, that child will grow into an adult with mental health issues. I love my parents and in general they were good people who had my best interests at heart, but they had their own set of mental health problems. I grew up in the 80's and 90's. Back then having "mental health issues" meant that you were institutionalized. There wasn't the level of awareness that there is now. 

Familial roles were also more rigid back then. Men were supposed to be strong, women were supposed to be supportive and children were supposed to remain quiet. This meant that men couldn't ask for help because they would be considered weak. Women were expected to put up with all kinds of bullshit at the expense of their sanity and self preservation. Because the parents remained silent, kids grew up with the idea that their parents wouldn't understand what they were going through. Everyone suffered in silence.

Times have changed thankfully. Many of us kids who were afraid to talk to our parents now have a much more open line of communication with our kids. It's important for a kid to have a "safe adult" to talk to. If a child opens up to you about something they did or how they feel, the best thing you can do is listen without judgement.

Community

There needs to be more resources within communities to support people struggling with their mental health. Mental health education from early childhood should be mandatory in school curriculum. We need to elect governments on every level that recognize this. If you're able to do so, make charitable a donation to a reputable non-profit society that offers mental health support and services. Finally, as individuals with in a community we need to stop judging each other. Every single one of us is going to be affected by mental health issues in our life time. Self-medication isn't just drug and alcohol use. Medication, can be food, sex, entertainment, spirituality, exercise, work etc. None of these "medications" are unhealthy on their own. In moderation they contribute to mental wellness. The thing to remember is the difference between medicine and poison is in the dose.

I know this post wasn't directly about my art, but as an artist my subject matter is inspired by mental health issues. I believe strongly that it's important to have a conversation with my audience about these struggles that we all face, so we don't have to face them alone.

Dance! Fuck! Rock! The DFR Factor

What is good music? It depends on who you ask and their answer will be based upon an entirely subjective opinion. Admittedly there are musicians who possess technical excellence when it comes to their instruments, but it doesn't necessarily mean that their music sounds subjectively "good." Today's blog post is about my criteria for determining whether a song is enjoyable in my opinion.

First let's talk about the difference between good and enjoyable music. So, what's the difference between good music and enjoyable music? I'll give you an example from my life. I get a lot of flack when I have a conversation about music and admit that I am not a fan of Tool. This shocks people because there would appear to be a positive correlation between people who like Nine Inch Nails and Tool. So many people have made the incorrect assumption that since I enjoy Nine Inch Nails then I must also be a Tool fan. Now just because I don't enjoy their music doesn't mean that I think it's bad. On a technical level it's incredibly well constructed and the musicians are very accomplished at their craft. I can appreciate their music on that level. The difference for me is that Nine Inch Nails has the DFR(dance fuck rock) factor and Tool doesn't.

For me to enjoy a song, it has to grab me and make me want to dance, fuck or rock out. If a song makes me want to do all 3 then it's a 'perfect song' subjectively speaking.

Dance

By dance, I don't necessarily mean the type of dancing that's done on a dance floor of a night club. I've been dancing since I was 4 years old. It's a form of emotional and physical catharsis for me. For a song to make me dance I have to "feel" the movement within the rhythms and melodies. It has to evoke a feeling for me to want to express through physical movement.

Fuck

A song doesn't have to be about sex to be sexy. Kick drums that sound like heartbeats, snares that sound like whips, whispered lyrics contrasted by melodic screams, penetrating synth and guitar lines. That's the kind of sonic debauchery that makes me eargasm. Songs that people find sexy are as diverse as our fetishes. Songs that make me want to fuck need to have a good groove and are generally between 95-115 bpm. I know it's super cliche, but Closer by Nine Inch Nails still hits all of those notes for me(pun intended).

Rock

Well, this one is pretty self explanatory. Does the song make me want to jump into a mosh pit, jump up and down and smash my sweaty body into other sweaty bodies? If the answer is yes, then it's a winner in my books. People might say that rock is dead, but my desire to rock out hard will never die.

That's my criteria for determining whether I like a song or not. It's not right or wrong, it just is. So, what makes you enjoy a song?

UPDATE: On May 1st, 2018 I release a throbbing gritty EP consisting of 5 solid tracks of DFR. This is the title track from the EP which is available in digital and physical format thorough my website.

What Matters Most

Life is not without it's challenges. As a privileged North American, I've grown accustomed to living a life of convenience. Our entire economy is driven by industries who pedal products and services aimed at making every interaction in our lives more convenient. Obviously, this has it's advantages, but there is a serious problem that has arisen from it. We have come to view challenges not as an opportunity for growth, but rather see them as grave injustices that we don't deserve to be subject to.

In the past week I've encountered some very significant challenges. Specifically, I'm being drawn back into a legal battle with my ex husband for the 4th time since I left him. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm due to release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears in March and there are several costly steps involved in that process. Having to go to court again is going to deplete my resources, and I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to get everything done in time for the release. Going to court costs money and time. The financial cost is an annoyance, but what really pisses me off is the amount of time I'm going to have to dedicate to dealing with a person who seemingly takes a perverse pleasure in making my life more difficult.

This is where my resolve begins to falter and I am tempted to adopt a victim mentality. I ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he just leave me alone? Is it not enough that he controlled my life for 7 years? Is it not enough that he has never had to face the legal consequences of inflicting violence one me? Is it not enough that he is still able to control me to some degree through our son?" While it is a fact that I was a victim of his physical and psychological violence, I cannot allow myself to become a victim of my circumstances. Is it fair that I have to keep dealing with someone who has abused me for years? No, but life isn't fair and I shouldn't expect it to be fair or easy.

I am discouraged at the moment, but I cannot allow myself to wallow. I have to remind myself of the things that really do matter and let go of my attachments. Because I let go of my attachment to money several years ago, the financial repercussions of this legal battle aren't something that I'm going to worry myself sick over. What I am really struggling with is the time I'm going to have to sacrifice. I feel like my time could be better spent working on my EP release.

Ultimately it's my attachment to my identity as an artist that I need to let go of. I'm angry because I've worked so hard up to this point and I feel like it's all falling apart at the most critical moment. What I really need to remember is that my identity as an artist is not what matters. What matters is how I use my art to affect the world around me. Being an artist doesn't matter unless it has a positive impact on people's lives. Period.

I am grateful for an upcoming opportunity that I have to exhibit my art at the Taboo Show in Vancouver from February 2nd-4th. I'm sure my ego will be stroked by the experience and I'll make some money from selling prints, but what matters most is the connection I'll make with people by sharing my story of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. It's a story that I chose to share with the world because I wanted to give people hope. I want show them that their value is not determined by their job, social status, abilities or wealth. Value is intrinsic and no person or life circumstance can take that away.

Follow this link for more information about the event

Letting Go Of Bullshit Attachments

Ahhhh Monday morning! Unlike a good portion of the working population, I quite like Mondays. Mind you, I am fortunate enough to do something I really enjoy, and I generally work from the comfort of my own home. Working in my pajamas is something I try really hard not to take for granted because there was a time, roughly about 2 and a half years ago when I used to drag myself to my interior design job and ask myself over and over again "Why am I still here?"

The reason was fear of losing my so-called life because I had formed attachments to a bunch of stuff within it. After all, working a 9-5 for an established company afforded me financial stability to do all that adult shit we're "supposed" to be doing like getting a mortgage, having a family, owning a car etc. It's an ideal so ingrained into North American culture, that if we don't acquire these things by the time we're 30, we've been programmed to feel like we've failed in some spectacular way. The reality of it is, it's all fucking bullshit! The house, the car, the picture perfect family is all an illusion of happiness. I can say that as someone who briefly succumbed to following the status quo rather than her dreams.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Even the family?" Hell yeah, even the family! When you have a family, it's not something you possess, it's 2 or more relationships in very close quarters that require a significant emotional investment for decades of your life. In the case of children, it's a very one-sided relationship with a rapidly changing human that you may or may not be compatible with. Not to mention you're morally and legally responsible for this ungrateful developing person for at least 18 years. The bottom line is that family relationships are hard work and not the picture perfect Hallmark card-Anne Geddes baby-HGTV bullshit we've all been fed our entire lives. Anyway, I digress...The point is, that none of that stuff will bring happiness or satisfaction unless you have already learned to be content on your own and without any assets to your name.

I know it to be true because the happiest moment of my life was 12 years ago shortly after I left my first husband. I had nothing. I let him keep all the stuff. I was living well below the poverty line in a modest rental house with my mom and 3-year-old son. By all North American societal standards I was a failure. Except I wasn't, because I was still me. In fact, after letting go of all my attachments, I was more me than I had ever been before. It was in that moment that I began to paint again. This painting you see below is what I painted. 9 more followed and became the series known as Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.

Then I dusted off my guitar that I hadn't touched in years and began to write music and lyrics again. That place of zero attachment was where I gave birth to Borg Queen. Letting go of all that other bullshit left me with just myself. I had to learn to be ok with just myself, flaws and all. I had to accept my situation and not allow myself to feel entitled to a so-called "better situation." I had to learn to live in the present and work with the resources within myself.

I'm not saying that all that adult stuff like a house, a car and family is a bad thing or makes a person less enlightened in any way. I'm older now, and I have accumulated some adult stuff along the way like a house, car and family. I'm grateful for what I do have, but those things do not make me a success. In fact, I have to be very wary not to form attachments to them. If I use them as a measuring stick to determine my worth, I lose sight of the place within myself which is where my true value and happiness lies.

I learned to be content in my current situation, whatever it may be. I have to carry that lesson around with me and remember to be grateful for what I do have, whether it be a little or a lot. Currently the fact that I'm sitting here writing this in my pajamas and afterwards I get to work on some new music for my upcoming EP after I go swimming, is a helluva a lot to be grateful for. 

The Audio-visual Process For 'Blood Sweat Tears'

People ask me what I do all the time, and never really have a succinct answer that doesn't make me sound a. Horribly pretentious or b. Completely unfocused. I always end up explaining to them the entirety of what I do within the project 'Borg Queen' which usually goes something like this...

"I have a multidisciplinary art project where I write and record songs, but for each song that I write I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song. I also make music videos and I use the painting as the visual inspiration for the imagery in the video. I'm also a dancer with a background in theatre so for my live performances I like to do a theatrically driven show that incorporates other performers, choreography, props and FX." 

It's usually followed by me showing them pictures on my phone of my paintings, music videos and the behind the scenes shots of the process.

So why work in so many mediums to simply express an idea? The short answer is because I can. The long answer is because some people are more inclined to process audio information effectively and others are more visually inclined. Also, there are layers and complexities within a concept that lend themselves better to audio and some that can only be expressed visually. One of the more common questions that I get asked is:

Do I work on the audio or visual aspect of idea first?

For my previous album it was sometimes the image came first. Sometimes the lyrics were the first thing to pop into me head, but for a couple of the songs I definitely wrote the music before anything else based on the overall idea I wanted to express.

For my upcoming EP 'Blood Sweat Tears' my process has been more formulated, not on purpose, but there's definitely been an order to the way I've been working.

First I wrote the lyrics.

This EP is me venting emotionally, mentally, socially, physically and sexually. There was a lot of sadness, rage, regret and anxiety I was bottling up inside much to my psychological detriment, and finally last August I had a nervous breakdown. I fell apart on every level of existence. I was having a recurring nightmare about being a serial killer who was on the run. I finally figured out that the dream was symbolic of me killing my emotions and burying them. So I decided to do something for my mental health, and I started writing down all of the dark thoughts that I had been concealing deep within my psyche.

Next I wrote the music.

I didn't want to over think it, so I kept it pretty simple as far as the song structures went and I avoided second guessing myself. I figured if I don't like it, I can always delete the file and start over again. I wrote, produced and recorded the songs within the span of about 2 weeks. In those two weeks that I was belting out my vocals, I felt a release and the recurring serial killer nightmare ended.

Currently I'm working on the artwork.

Right now I'm working on the visual development for the EP. I'm currently sketching full color thumbnails for the paintings each song will have. Eventually the paintings will serve as the visual framework on which I base the music videos.

My process so far in the visual development will be for me to sit down and start writing the lyrics. As I write the lyrics down, visuals will pop into my head. It almost like having several frames from a video in random order flip through my minds eye. I take a mental screenshot of the images I feel are the most powerful and then recall them as I start sketching. Next I add color and this is a really important step as the palette I use in the painting will determine the palette used in the videos. For all of the visuals in this EP the palette is representative of blood, sweat and tears. I'm using red for blood, flesh tone for sweat and blue for tears.

This is the thumbnail and lyrics for 'Sexorcism'

I'm taking a more literal approach with the actual paintings and adding my own blood, sweat and tears into the medium. I'm currently posting videos of my process on my Pledge Music campaign for the EP. Anyone who wants to join me in my artistic journey creating the EP gets an access pass to the exclusive videos and regular updates that I'll be posting along the way.

I made my first Pledge Music video update from the bath showing pledgers my process for extracting the sweat that I am using in the paintings. If you join me on Pledge Music, you get access to my often very bizarre creative process. 

 So far it's been a really fun collaborative effort and I've loved communicating with my pledgers throughout the process so far. The feedback has been overwhelmingly encouraging and I'm so grateful that platforms like Pledge Music exist for me to connect on a very intimate artistic level with my fans.

The next step.

After the EP is completed and released, I will be turning my attention to making a music video for each and every one of the songs on the EP. The videos will all transition seamlessly from one to another telling the story behind the demise of my psyche in 2016 and how I got it back by confessing to being a "Serial Killer."

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 3 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is Little Miss Liquid Courage.

LITTLE MISS LIQUID COURAGE

Little Miss Liquid Courage is the third piece in the series and is a continuation of the story. Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles the preceding song and painting is all about being consumed by the hollow pursuit of material wealth and becoming viewed as a fixture within strip club environment rather than an autonomous human being. Little Miss Liquid Courage expands upon the idea of losing ones identity and the pressure to conform to a very specific and unrealistic standard of beauty aka. the "human Barbie." Conforming to the human Barbie look isn't just specific to exotic entertainment, it's a beauty standard perpetuated by western pop culture in general. 

When I first started dancing I was stoked about it! I could make money by hanging out in a bar, having drinks bought for me and entertaining people on stage. As an artschool student in their early 20's it was a seemingly ideal situation for me, until I started to see the dark underbelly and politics of the industry. Because I was very pale skinned, had piercings, red haired and kinda gothy looking I was constantly getting bumped from gig lineups because of my look. My agent informed me that a few tweaks to my appearance would make me more bookable, All I had to do was "soften my look" meaning...take out the piercings, get a tan, dye my hair blond, lose some weight and get some fake tits. Another suggestion they made was to choose music that was less aggressive in nature, in other words dance to top 40 hits. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I took their advice and get a spray tan, dyed my hair, took out the piercings, starved myself and started dancing to music I hated compromising all my artistic integrity as a performer. I even attempted to get breast implants, but thankfully was denied financing because of my student loan situation. I hated myself and spiraled even further into alcohol and cocaine abuse.

Why did I compromise? Money. The fear of not having enough. The fear of being unable to pay for school and not get into a good career and become a failure in life.

SYMBOLS

The Cocktail: It's a Shirley Temple symbolizing youth, feminity and innocence.

The Female Subject: She's blond, tanned, skinny with obviously fake breasts. She's "sacrificing" herself to conform to the blonde bombshell beauty ideal mirroring the lyrics "you're a poser, plastic Barbie doll, platinum blond disgrace."

The Cherry: The pierced cherry symbolizes the loss of innocence, idealism, artistic integrity and becoming corrupted by money.

The Color Palette: I deliberately used pinks and purples because the song is about taking the female gender stereotype to it's extreme. 

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

My intent when writing this song was to parody a pop song. I wanted something super catchy and dance-able, but I wanted to throw in a dark sonic undercurrent to show that underneath all the pink glitter and glamour there was a dark disturbing motivation behind the facade. This is probably one of my favorite songs on the album and can be purchased as a single or part of the album on my WEBSITE 

Little Miss Liquid Courage

Little Miss Liquid Courage you know what you are 

You’re a hot piece of flesh sequin clad pseudo rock star 

So strap on your stilettos get your ass on the stage 

And dance your panties off while you’re still all the rage 

Cause you’re a super star 

And they love what you do 

You only get so far 

Cause I hate what you are 

But you’re my Little Miss, Little Miss, 

Little Miss Liquid Courage 

Little Miss Liquid Courage wipe that smile off your face 

You’re a poser plastic Barbie doll platinum blond disgrace 

So pump up your tits they didn’t come to see your face 

Now you’re the perfect picture of female beauty and grace 

Little Miss Liquid Courage it’s time that you know 

What goes on behind that curtain, time for a VIP show 

You don’t have to get him off, just make him grow 

And then he’ll buy you a drink and even pay for your blow 

Cause you’re his super star 

And he loves what you do 

You only get so far 

Cause he hates what you are 

But You’re his Little Miss, Little Miss, 

But You’re his Little Miss, Little Miss, 

Little Miss Liquid Courage you know what you 

You’re a star, you’re a star 

Yes you are, yes you are 

And you’re my Little Miss, Little Miss, 

Little Miss Liquid Courage 

Liquid Courage x 3 

BUY LITTLE MISS LIQUID COURAGE

Panic Mode & Challenging Negativity

I'm going to reveal something about myself that is kinda embarrasing. I know that as an artist/musician/performer, I'm supposed to carefully craft my image to that of a superhuman goddesslike creature so letting you in on my insecurities is breaking the mold. However if I can share with you some insight into the human condition through my art which is a reflection of my soul, then why not share what I'm currently going through as I deal with it. Maybe it can be helpful or perhaps relevant to something you experience too?

So here's my problem. I'm a perfectionist. It is one of my many character flaws rooted in the need to be in control that I'm trying to work on. However, once in a while(like right now) it rears it's ugly head. Actually when I'm under stress and I feel like everything is spiraling out of control is when my dysfunctional persona takes control and my meticulous nature swings to the unhealthy end of the spectrum and manifests itself as anal retentive perfectionism. It's so bad! Not to mention counter productive. It really does boil down to feeling horribly out of control.

I had a rehearsal yesterday that went poorly on my part from the moment I left my house. I got stuck in a huge traffic jam and rehearsal started almost an hour late. I can't breathe properly because I found out this morning from the doctor that I have bronchitis, so my singing was beyond terrible and to top it all off I had horrible menstrual cramps. All of that shit was so far out of my realm of control, but I was tripping balls on the inside and my mind starts spitting out thoughts like this...

"there's only 3 more rehearsals to go until the show and it just feels like the show is soooooo far from ready and if today's performance was any indication of how things are going to go down at showtime you have no business being on stage."

Is that line of thinking reality? Thank God I've seen enough therapists that I know that what I'm dealing with is distorted thinking based on an automatic negative thought process that's triggered when I'm under stress.

The various mental health professionals I've seen tell me that automatic negative thoughts are a result of rules and values that were instilled into us during childhood. In my case the rule of my childhood was that unless I got 100% on a test or won a blue ribbon it did not merit praise or a reward. Sound completely insane? It does to me now, but that line of thinking was normal for me in my childhood all the way into my 20's. I was not allowed to make mistakes. There was no "just try your best and that's good enough." It was "your best is perfection and anything less is failure."

Letting go of that mindset is hard because it was a core belief for the better part of my life, but if I am to grow both personally and artistically I have to accept imperfection and human limitations. Whenever a negative thought starts sending me into panic mode it is essential that I challenge it be using the R.U.L.E system. So what that means is:

1. Identifying the negative thought causing the distress which in this case is... "My show is going to suck and I have no business being in stage."

2. Challenging the thought using R.U.L.E. an acronym for a series of 4 questions where subject the thought to the following criteria:
Realistic?
Useful?
Logical?
Evidence to support the thought?

If you answer "no" to any of the questions, then you must reject the line of thinking as being untrue.

So here's how I apply R.U.L.E to my case.

Is it REALISTIC that my show is going to suck? 

No. I'm an experienced performer and while I might not always be happy with my performance, it doesn't mean that the performance sucks.

Is it USEFUL to tell myself that I have no business being on stage? 

No. Berating oneself is not a useful activity and my time can be better used taking care of myself so I can recover and have the best possible chance of putting on a great show.

Is it LOGICAL to think my show is going to suck and I have no business being on stage? 

No. I was sought out by the event organizer because my performances are maintain a high production value and are eye catching.

Is there EVIDENCE to support the negative thought? 

At this point by answering the first 3 questions I've managed to state evidence to the contrary plus I can just watch this video from a week ago and remind myself that I'm working with some talented people, and the show will come together as planned. Once I get my voice and health back I will be able to give it MY 100% and even though it may not be perfect it will still be a hell of a show. 

The piece we're working on in the video(above) is Lapdance Romance a song off my latest album. You can stream the entire song on my website, and even purchase a copy if you like and want to continue supporting my creative endeavors.

Visit www.borg-queen-music.com for more info about my project and to get a FREE SONG!

Crippling Horrible Depression

The clouds are so thick that all I can feel is the ultraviolet radiation permeating my skin, damaging me on a cellular level. A walk through the forest draws my attention to the soil erosion around the root systems a grim reminder that the air filling my lungs is now contains 400ppm of carbon. This is the nature of depression. It is all consuming. A dark fog that won't lift, and I used to be able to see the beauty in a foggy day. Maybe it's just because there have been so many foggy days lately that I've forgotten that there is a world outside of the dark cloud that surrounds me.

Three weeks ago I was sexually assaulted. The life has just been sucked right out of me, but I tell myself that I have to keep emulating the behavior of the living. I tell myself that if I can just keep pretending to live that I'll feel alive again. If it were just the heartbreak of losing my partner, or simply coping with having a chronic illness or even if all I had to deal with was the psychological and legal fallout of being sexually assaulted then I feel as if I could stitch together enough broken pieces of myself to resemble a functional person.

So what do I do? Life doesn't just stop because I've lost the ability to function. Life goes on, right? Besides, there are so many things I have to get done. I have to finish filming music videos. I have to finish the artwork layout for my CD's. I have to fulfill all my crowdfunding perks. I have to start on a PR campaign for my album release. I have to start organizing a live show. I have to keep start recording my new EP...the list goes on and on, just like life. How do I accomplish all of this when my body is in so much agony that I can barely move and my mind is so foggy that I'm not even aware of my own thoughts half the time. It's taken me 4 days to write this tiny little blog post because it's so hard to focus.

So why even write a post like this? Well, the answer is the same as to the question, "why write songs and paint pictures of dark subject matter?" The answer is that we all will suffer as human beings. Many times our suffering will be inflicted upon us for no discernable reason. This is the nature of our physical existence, but like everything else in this physical existence, suffering is not permanent either. We're also not alone in our suffering. There is always someone out there who understands, we just need to reach out and ask for help.

Will I always feel like this? Logically speaking...no, I won't even though right now it feels like I'll never feel joy again. I just have to remember that I haven't always felt like this so chances are that this too shall pass.

Album Update!

As many of you may know when it comes to my studio recordings, I'm essentially a one woman show. I write, record and produce everything myself with the exception of having a studio engineer when I'm recording vocals. It has it's set of advantages for sure. I get to have full creative control and don't have to deal with all the ego competition that goes along with having a band or butting heads with a producer over creative differences.

The disadvantage of doing everything myself is that it takes a lot longer.  I now finally have all of the vocals recorded, but now I am faced with the daunting task of having to edit vocals and pitch correct everything. It's hours, upon hours of mind numbing tedious work, and when I close my eyes at night all I see is waveforms. Don't get me wrong though, I love a challenge, and it's a great learning experience, and the more I do it the faster and better I get at it.

The good news is that all my hard work is paying off because I do have the vast majority of my rough mixes done for the album. I've decided to share a couple of my mixes with you. I've heard that it's a big no-no to post unfinished work on the interwebs, but I've never been one to follow the rules so, here's a couple previews of what I've been working on so far. Bare in mind they are ROUGH mixes so all the shit that gets done to them to make them broadcast quality hasn't been done yet.

Surgery: A Visual Metaphor For Domestic Violence

I'm truly grateful to be able to express myself  as Borg Queen through several different mediums. Right now I'm in the thick of production design for another music video for my upcoming album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. The video in question is for Hedonist, a song about domestic violence. Surgery is the visual I've chosen to convey the profoundly deep violation of being abused by a partner. Much like surgery, the recovery process for abuse can be just as painful as the actual acts of abuse.

Today, I designed the surgeon character for the operating room scenes. I'm still torn between which set design I'm going to use for the operating room. Any feedback would be welcome. Let me know which operating room you like best in the comments section.

The Surgeon Character Design For Hedonist

Victorian Inspired Operating Room Set

Retro Inspired Operating Room Set

The End Is In Sight

I just got sent a preview of the music video for Lapdance Romance from Arcelia the director. It looks amazing! It's not what I expected, but I'm definitely happy with it. Now all that's left is to finish mastering the audio track and then it's time to release it.

This is something that took way longer that I felt it should have and there were some major bumps along the way, including lack of money and serious issues with the producer/engineer I hired to help me record anything. I'm not going to go into the gory details though because the end is in sight, and I believe everything happens for a reason.

So here's some teaser screen shots from the video. Enjoy!

Lapdance Romance Part 2 - A Labor of Love, Persistence and Complete Insanity

Lets Recap
In anticipation of the release of my song/music video/visual masterpiece that is Lapdance Romance I've decided to re-hash my long arduous production journey. To recap, Lapdance Romance was a song and painting that I created for my husband, before he was my husband while we were on a break. I wrote and recorded the original demo back in 2010. You can listen to the original demo it on my Soundcloud profile here.

As mentioned before I tend to think big, and as a product of the MTV generation I decided that I wanted to create an audio-visual masterpiece in the form of a music video that would use the story behind the song and visuals in the painting as it's inspiration. When approached my director friend Arcelia Ocana of Ribbit Ribbit Studios about the project and played her the song, her reply was, "Jenny, we love the song and we want to make you famous!" This is typical Arcelia as she's a bubbling cauldron of positive, creative energy. So hurdle, number one, find a director, was done.

The DYI Insanity Begins
My next big issue was budget. I literally did not have a budget, at all. When Arcelia approached me about this (not so)minor detail I sheepishly mentioned that I don't have a budget, but have no fear because I have connections to talented(and generous) people AND a lot of this is going to be a largely DIY affair on my behalf. My hair brain scheme is that I would be a one woman art department as the video would be based on my art. Her response was, "No problem, we'll make it work. We all love you at Ribbit Ribbit and want to see you succeed."

Having gone to art school for animation and worked as an animator I was well versed in the art of story boarding and making animatics, so I offered to do the basic pre-production work myself and create an animatic for Arcelia to work off of.  I've never made this animatic public before until now, so if you click the link of  "The Lost Lapdance Romance Animatic" you'll be directed to my ultra secret You Tube video that up until now has only been seen by production staff.

Jenny Learns To Work With Others
One of the hardest things for me on collaborative creative projects is giving up control and letting others do their jobs. I saw making this music video as the perfect opportunity to do some personal growth, so when Arcelia approached me, and said that while they(Ribbit Ribbit) loved the animatic, they wanted to bring in a writer to write the script for the video. They wanted to keep the basic story the same, but they just wanted to write it themselves with my input of course. So, I let go and said ok. HUGE step for me.

The writer in question was someone that I had worked with before, Niko Koupanstis a very talented writer and actor that I had the pleasure of working with on a short film of Arcelia's called "Mime Love." He stuck to the basic storyline of whore falls for a client at a brothel while under the influence of absinthe but added some cool twists that served to really amp up the dark and creepy side of things. In Niko's version the whores became dolls that the madame keeps locked in display cases, but my favorite idea of his was that in the absinthe hallucination my character transforms into a cybernetic dominatrix.

His concept really allowed me to get creative with the character designs. As you can see below, the original character design I came up with for the cyber dominatrix and then the final product underneath it is me in my full make-up and costume.

Orginal character design of my cyborg dominatrix alter ego

On set as my cyborg dominatrix character

I guess you could say that the lesson learned here is that it never hurts to allow others to have some input because they might just come up with some pretty cool shit you would have never thought of. So when Arcelia approached me about improving the sound quality of my original recording by hiring a producer to work with, I was definitely less hesitant, but that's another story for another day as the saga of Lapdance Romance continues...

Lapdance Romance Part 1 - A Labor of Love, Persistence and Complete Insanity

Waaaaaaaay back in July of 2010 I wrote a little ditty called Lapdance Romance. I wrote it as a romantic gesture for a man I met and fell in love with at a strip club. We met because he was lonely, bored and on a whim decided to go to his local strip joint and get a lap dance(or 4). As fate would have it, I was the lucky stripper and we fell madly in love. Then some shit happened, we broke up, I wrote the song as a big romantic gesture, we got back together, got married blah blah blah etc. It's the kinda stuff movies are made of really. However I'm not a filmmaker, so I wrote a song and painted a lovely picture about it instead.

So, when I originally wrote the song, I recorded a demo of it using only Reason 4.0 and Sonar as my DAW in my makeshift home studio one sunny summer afternoon. I then presented the song to my estranged sweetheart as a romantic gesture to let him know that I still loved him. It truly was a labor of love. 

Fast forward almost 4 years later and I'm still working on the damn thing. I had some lofty goals for this song and they're finally coming to fruition. It wasn't just enough to record my crappy home-recorded demo and give it to the object of my affection. NOOOOOOOOO, not me, that's just not how I roll. I needed to make a production of it, literally. I wanted to make a full-on cinematic style, professionally shot music video. So that's exactly what I did. It may have taken 2 almost years from the beginning of production til now, and they're have been numerous obstacles(illness, lack of money, battles with producers) to overcome, but the end is now in sight. 

This has been an amazing period of learning and growth for me both personally and professionally. It's been frustrating at times, but overall one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I'm gonna save the rest of the story for my next post though, but I guess you could say it all began when I approached my friend Arcelia Ocana of Ribbit Ribbit Studios to direct my video...

MONEY! The cause of and solution to all my problems.

Artists are slaves to their art, but money makes slaves of us all.

Ah money. How I loathe thee, but if I only had more my life would be so much easier. I learned a long time ago that money does not make me happy, but it sure as hell would make my artistic career aspirations come to fruition a LOT sooner and with greater ease. I find myself faced with the same old dilemma that most artists, whether they be actors, musicians or really any self employed creative individual is faced with. How do I get the money that I need to launch my career and support myself, and still have enough time to work on my career while balancing my stupid(and often low paying) regular Joe job and working on the career that I really love and want to do?

Starting out in any business is not easy, and the music business is no exception. I need money to finish my album and produce my show based on the album I'm writing, and let me tell ya, my regular jack-off job as an interior designer ain't cuttin' it. Yes, I have enough money to live and put food on the table, but there's barely any extra to throw into my music. It also doesn't help that I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world where the cost of living is ridiculous! Don't get me wrong, I love Vancouver and I certainly wouldn't want to live anywhere else in Canada given a choice, and where else am I going to find the resources, people, and market to launch an arts and entertainment career in Canada? Toronto, maybe, but who the hell wants to live there? Angry people who like the Toronto Maple Leafs, acid rain and cold winters, that's who, but that's not me, so here I am struggling to make a living in beautiful, temperate, laid-back Vancouver while trying to scrape together enough cash to make a go of it with my music and art.

So what do I do? Do I turn to the oldest profession and whore myself to upscale clientele at $500/hr(yes, I'm that good)? Hopefully not. My plan A is to determine how much money I need to finish the album and produce the show, and then try to get a business loan from the bank. Of course, this plan presents it's own set of challenges. First, I need to write up a business plan in order to be taken seriously by any financial institution. Thankfully, I have done this before and know what to do. So next, on my ever growing list of things to do is write up a business plan for Borg Queen and present it to the bank, and pray to God that they think I'm as awesome as I think I am and lend me the money I need to continue to follow my dreams. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it.