What is good music? It depends on who you ask and their answer will be based upon an entirely subjective opinion. Admittedly there are musicians who possess technical excellence when it comes to their instruments, but it doesn't necessarily mean that their music sounds subjectively "good." Today's blog post is about my criteria for determining whether a song is enjoyable in my opinion.
First let's talk about the difference between good and enjoyable music. So, what's the difference between good music and enjoyable music? I'll give you an example from my life. I get a lot of flack when I have a conversation about music and admit that I am not a fan of Tool. This shocks people because there would appear to be a positive correlation between people who like Nine Inch Nails and Tool. So many people have made the incorrect assumption that since I enjoy Nine Inch Nails then I must also be a Tool fan. Now just because I don't enjoy their music doesn't mean that I think it's bad. On a technical level it's incredibly well constructed and the musicians are very accomplished at their craft. I can appreciate their music on that level. The difference for me is that Nine Inch Nails has the DFR(dance fuck rock) factor and Tool doesn't.
For me to enjoy a song, it has to grab me and make me want to dance, fuck or rock out. If a song makes me want to do all 3 then it's a 'perfect song' subjectively speaking.
Dance
By dance, I don't necessarily mean the type of dancing that's done on a dance floor of a night club. I've been dancing since I was 4 years old. It's a form of emotional and physical catharsis for me. For a song to make me dance I have to "feel" the movement within the rhythms and melodies. It has to evoke a feeling for me to want to express through physical movement.
Fuck
A song doesn't have to be about sex to be sexy. Kick drums that sound like heartbeats, snares that sound like whips, whispered lyrics contrasted by melodic screams, penetrating synth and guitar lines. That's the kind of sonic debauchery that makes me eargasm. Songs that people find sexy are as diverse as our fetishes. Songs that make me want to fuck need to have a good groove and are generally between 95-115 bpm. I know it's super cliche, but Closer by Nine Inch Nails still hits all of those notes for me(pun intended).
Rock
Well, this one is pretty self explanatory. Does the song make me want to jump into a mosh pit, jump up and down and smash my sweaty body into other sweaty bodies? If the answer is yes, then it's a winner in my books. People might say that rock is dead, but my desire to rock out hard will never die.
That's my criteria for determining whether I like a song or not. It's not right or wrong, it just is. So, what makes you enjoy a song?
A while ago I put out my feelers to see if anyone wanted to remix my song Hedonist. I got a couple nibbles and I wanted to share with you this amazing version of it done by metal producer and guitarist Blaize Caverly of Axon Rise. I'm really diggin' their stuff and I highly recommend taking a moment to discover more of their catalogue on You Tube.
I really love this arrangement of the song and the dynamics are fantastic. Listen for yourself.
If you dig it, it is available as a free download if you're on my email list. If you haven't already signed up you can do so here
August sucked. As I walked down the dismal hallway of victim services for the second time within the past year I could feel myself falling to pieces and asking myself, "Am I fucking cursed or is violence against women, just so prevalent and normalized within our society?" I'm not going to go into detail about what happened, but suffice it to say that my August was spent talking to cops, Crown Counsel, victim services, doctors and counselors.
So what's the silver lining you may ask? Well, despite how horrific 2016 was in my personal life and the fact that I've spent all of 2017 in therapy dealing with the shit that happened in 2016, the silver lining is... My artistic life has been amazing! Sure, I have days that the pain is so unbearable that I don't want to be alive, but I've managed to be able to escape the agony by focusing on my artistic pursuits. Art has literally saved my life.
I don't want this post to be a downer so here's a list of all of the really awesome things that happened in my artistic life this year.
1. I released my first album
This was HUGE for me! I was also pleasantly surprised as to how many CD's of it I sold. You hear that no one buys physical media anymore, but I can tell you that I sold 25× more physical copies than I did digital ones. You can purchase both here on my website
It was for Kink Fetish Night in Vancouver and what a blast! It was a ton of prep work and loads of rehearsals, but super fun. Here's a short video of the highlights.
3. I released a new music video
I released the video for my song 'We're All Whores.' After 2 months of pitching it to Canadian bloggers who mostly rejected it and gave negative feedback, I prepared myself for it to be a total flop. Instead it ended up being a hit in Mexico and my fan base tripled in one month because everyone kept sharing it on Facebook. You can get the song for free plus 3 others from my album by signing up here for my mailing list. In addition to free music you'll also get emailed secret exclusive previews of upcoming music videos, plus discount codes for items in my store.
4. I recorded a new EP
I wrote and recorded a new EP that I plan to release in March of 2018 called Blood, Sweat, Tears. There's still work to be done on it, but I plan on getting my fans involved in the completion process. Stay tuned.
5. I started working on a new music video
I decided to make a music video for Little Miss Liquid Courage. It's currently in pre-production. Here's a preview of the storyboard video. Everyone who signs up to my mailing list gets access to exclusive content including the full version of the storyboard video. You can sign up for my mailing list here and get your exclusive access here
6. I've worked on 3 short films this year
In May I had the chance to do some scenic art and set decorating for a short film called 'Bounce.' That job led to another project called 'Monkey Slayer' that I landed and acting role in and finally I'm doing some art direction and set design for a short film called 'Triggered.' Cinematic art is a passion of mine, so I m really grateful for the opportunities that have come my way.
7. I got accepted into the IATSE art department
For those of you who don't know, IATSE is the film technicians union. This is a HUGE milestone, as working as an art director on a major production is on my bucket list. If you're curious, you can check out my art department portfolio here
8. I'm making props for a major TV series
I'm currently making props for 'Arrow.' Enough said.
9. I'll be releasing another music video this year
'Hedonist' will be released within the next few months. As far as music videos go, this one is my opus and I'm beyond excited for the release. Here's a teaser for the intro. Wanna see the full video? Sign up for my mailing list here and when it's done being edited you'll get the secret sneak preview.
So there we have it...9 great things that happened to me artistically this year. There's the silver lining, and if I'm to be perfectly candid here...the reason my heart is still beating.
I want to address the elephant in my room professionally speaking. I'm talking about the comparisons I get to Marilyn Manson. First of all, I want to say that I like Marilyn Manson. He's a solid artist with incredibly catchy songs that appeal to me sonically and conceptually. That being said, I wouldn't cite him as one of my influences. I've only ever owned one Marilyn Manson album and that's Mechanical Animals.
Anyone who knows me personally, knows that my biggest influence is Trent Reznor. I love that guy! His music has touched my life on the deepest most personal levels and his example as someone who has suffered through depression and addiction and made it through has inspired me personally to do the same. I quit drinking and started writing music because of Trent Reznor's example of an artist who can still make amazing art without allowing their demons to rule their life. He is hands down the biggest inspiration to me as an artist and a human being.
Let's get back to Manson though as this blog post is about how I get annoyed(but also kinda flattered) with the incredibly frequent comparison. I want to make one thing abundantly clear and that is in no way have I ever tried to emulate, copy or rip him off. It came to me as a pretty big surprise when I started getting the comparison, over and over and over again. I never saw myself like that and no artist likes to be accused of ripping someone else off. We fancy ourselves as unique, and that uniqueness is very important to us so at first I found it really offensive, but given how prolific of an artist he is, in a weird way it's also flattering.
The comparison can work both for and against me though. On one hand it's kinda good from a marketing standpoint because if I pitch myself as a "female Marilyn Manson" it automatically gives people a reference point. I hate doing it, but as a musician people ask all the time, "who are you comparable to?" I cringe every time I say it, but due to the fact that so many people have given me the Manson comparison, I often end up saying "I'm kinda like a female Marilyn Manson." I hate making a statement like this because while it gives a point of reference it puts me in a box artistically. I don't want to be measured up against another artist.
The comparison started after I released my music video for Lapdance Romance. Looking at the video now, I can see how people see similarities, but it really was not my intent. When I first asked my friend Arcelia Ocana to direct the video she asked me for some references. The two music videos I gave her for inspiration were "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers and "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails.
LAPDANCE ROMANCE
I really loved the burlesque club idea from Mr. Brightside and it was a concept relavent to the theme of the song which is about a stripper and her customer falling in love. Incidentally Mr. Brightside was inspired by the movie Moulin Rouge. So as we can see the core concept from Lapdance Romance, Mr. Brightside and Moulin Rouge is all essentially telling the same story. In the case of Lapdance Romance, it's my own true story.
MR. BRIGHTSIDE
When it comes to how "The Perfect Drug" influenced Lapdance Romance it was on a more artistic level. I wanted to go with an Victorian era inspired aesthetic with a palette that matched the painting Lapdance Romance and the painting for Lapdance Romance has an absinthe glass as one of the key visuals and lyrically uses absinthe intoxication as a metaphor for falling in love. The Perfect Drug was an excellent reference video for art direction.
THE PERFECT DRUG
So if you actually watched all 3 videos you can probably see where I was coming from and how Lapdance Romance was influenced by both "The Perfect Drug" and "Mr. Brightside." If anything I'm ripping off Nine Inch Nails and The Killers, not Marilyn Manson.
Let's move on to the other similarities shall we? We're both artists within the "goth" genre. We're both influenced by Trent Reznor. We both have music videos with a very bold and stylized aesthetic that incorporate the central concepts of the song through visual metaphor. We both paint. Yes, there are similarites, but similarities can be drawn between most artists within a similar genre. Hence, why we have musical genres and subcultures.
The differences between myself and Mr. Manson are far more staggering. First of all, when it comes to the music videos, Marilyn Manson isn't sitting at his day job as an interior designer storyboarding his own music video and then designing the sets, sourcing set dec and props, making the costumes, building and decorating the sets and then shooting the videos in his living room while his kids run around eating up all the food he bought with his own money to feed the cast and crew.
Second of all, Marilyn Manson unlike myself is a major label artist with "people" who do all that behind the scenes shit for him. Because he is a major label artist he doesn't get his hands dirty in the actual production of the video like I do. He's not the art director of his videos like I am. He's not sitting at his laptop editing his own vocal tracks at 3 am. He's not funding his projects by giving lap dances or working a day job either. As an independent artist I have a much greater degree of creative control over my music & videos because I fund everything with my own money and I'm literally involved in every aspect of the audio & video production process.
Thirdly, we differ on a philosophical level when it comes to our beliefs. He's a huge fan of Anton LeVey and an honorary bishop in the Church of Satan. He has been described as the "highest profile Satanist ever" with strong anti-Christian views. I on the other hand, while not being a religious individual am a theist and see merit in the teachings and philosophies of Jesus Christ. I'm not anti-religion or pro-religion. Religion in my view is benign and can be used as a tool to do great good or tremendous evil. It ultimately is up to the individual and the actions they choose to commit in the name of said religion. Both of our philosophical views are very obviously reflected in our lyrics. On a side note though Marilyn Manson has some really intelligent and insightful lyrics. He's up there as far as my favorite lyricists go.
Lastly, our sound is different. Just listen to him and listen to me. We may fit withing the same genre, but we sound quite different.
I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. As an artist and a person, I just want to be the best version of myself that I can be. I don't want to be Marilyn Manson. Hell, I don't even want to be Trent Reznor! I just want to be Jenny Kirby making art through the project Borg Queen. Besides, Jenny's a lot prettier than both those guys ;)
If you read my last post I mentioned that I felt compelled to make a booklet of my art and lyrics from Sex Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles to give as a gift to the women I've shared the stage with over the years to give some higher purpose to my art and the relationships I formed in the exotic entertainment industry. I wrote a dedication to my stripper sisters in the hopes that my experience in the industry plus my personal struggles with addiction and mental illness could serve as a reminder of hope in dark times. You can download a pdf copy of the booklet below or read the dedication in my last post
Over the past few days I distributed the booklet and the response far exceeded my expectations. One woman sent me this that has really stuck with me over the past few days.
What resonated was she thanked me for giving purpose to what we do. It may seem odd think that there's a purpose to being a stripper other than making money, but there can be a purpose to any experience if we see our lives as purposeful. Every experience whether good or bad has purpose. Even the so-called bad things, poor choices and challenges can be turned into something positive. Difficult times can ultimately make us stronger, wiser and more compassionate if we choose to look outward rather than inward. If we choose learn from hard times, we can implement that knowledge to better ourselves and ultimately the world around us.
I truly believe that our time here on this planet can serve a greater purpose than perpetuating the cycle of acquiring material wealth, procreating and passing on our material assets to the next generation. I believe that every person has value and that value is not determined by their income potential, but rather who they are and what makes them unique.
I haven't written here for a bit or really worked on anything Borg Queen related because I needed a bit of a break. I've been stuck in a bit of a rut, not creatively but definitely on a personal level. So, I decided to switch it up. I spent the last two weeks engaging in way more social and recreational activities than I have in years. Mind you one of them was working on a film, but I'm a workaholic so cut me some slack on that one.
Having these two weeks off has given me perspective. It made me realize that I've been somewhat derailed when it comes to finding a higher purpose within my art. It was that lack of purpose that had sent me into that rut. By an incredibly bizarre turn of events which almost seem like divine intervention, I ended up having a series of conversations with a person who reminded me that my life experiences, talents and abilities should all serve a higher purpose.
I was reminded me of the original reason I wrote Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. I wanted to pay it forward through my ability to create art and music. I've struggled with mental illness and at times addiction for a good chunk of my life. At times it's seemed hopeless and I've been trapped in a pit of despair, but eventually I was able to get through it, and what helped me get through was the example of other people who I could identify with who faced the same demons.
My personal inspiration was Trent Reznor. I could identify with him being a creative person as myself, and also the struggles with depression he wrote about in his music. It was comforting to know that I was not alone in those struggles. When he decided to get sober it inspired me. I looked at him and said to myself, "If he can go through all of that and come out on the other side a better person and an even more prolific artist, then so can I." My hope is that by sharing my journey it will do the same for people who can identify with me.
Last week one of the women I share the stage with as a stripper died. We weren't super close, but her death has affected me greatly because as "stripper sisters" we shared so many of the same experiences. I wanted to do something for the survivors, the women left behind. Because of the human condition we all have demons that afflict our lives, but our common experience as strippers means that we face a lot of the same struggles. So, I made a special hard copy booklet edition of my art and lyrics that I'm gifting to the women I have shared the stage with.
Even if you don't download the full booklet I still wanted to share with you the dedication on the front page.
To my stripper sisters,
I wrote these songs and painted these pictures about us for us. Even though we all come from different backgrounds, we share the same experiences in this unique world that we collectively create in the strip club. I've shared these songs to the world so that we could be humanized, for the moment we strap on those heels we become a commodity. It can be argued that in any job we are commodified, but our struggles are unique because our job requires us to be an unrealistic ideal of womanhood catering to the most basic of human needs. It's ironic that we sacrifice our humanity so that our customers can indulge themselves in the most basic of human instincts.
Existing several hours a week as an alter ego that has a dollar value assigned to her can be isolating and dehumanizing at times and it's easy to get lost in the world of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. Losing your sense of identity and purpose is the gateway to mental illness which goes hand in hand with addiction and other self destructive behaviors. This collection of paintings and songs is my journey through world of strip clubs. It's the story of how I got lost in a world shrouded by depression and addiction, but found myself again. It's been extremely dark at times, but overall very enlightening. I'm sharing it with you in the hopes that if you are struggling through some dark times that you will know that you are not alone and there is always hope because your life has purpose and value.
Doing a job where our value is determined by our sex appeal, physical appearance and our ability to conform to what someone's idea of the perfect woman is, can make us lose sight of where our true value lies. If there's one message I want to convey to you it's that your value is intrinsic. It's not determined by how much money you make, how beautiful you are, or even how talented or intelligent you may be. Your value remains constant throughout your existence. On the day you were born you had no skills or abilities, yet your life mattered and had a purpose. It always has and always will.
I write this letter to you as Jenny Kirby the woman behind the alter egos of Venus DeMilo and Buffy. I started doing this job 17 years ago, and I've seen it all. I've done it all. I've experienced this world as 19 year old art school student paying her tuition. I've experienced this world as an addict crippled by depression. I've experienced this world as a single mother supporting her family. I've experienced this world as a woman trying to make enough money to leave an abusive relationship. I've experienced this world as an artist supplementing her income. I've experienced this world as an educated mature sober woman with a higher purpose and that purpose is to let you know that no matter where you are on your journey, you are loved, you have purpose, you have value and you can overcome anything.
If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is the title track/painting Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles.
SEX, DRUGS AND SHINY BRASS POLES
Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is the second piece in the series and is a continuation of the story. This Is Real, the first painting in the series focuses on the pressures one experiences when entering adulthood, particularly the role finances(or lack there of) play in our emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. In This Is Real the protagonist has become blinded by the pursuit of wealth because she sees money as the solution to her problems.
Both the paintings and the songs blend conceptually into each other as well as sonically. When you listen to the album in it's entirety on CD one song flows into the next. I did this on purpose because the storyline of each piece is tied to the one before and after it. Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is the appearant solution to the problem presented in This Is Real. However, the financial solution presented in SDSBP begins to create a whole new set of problems for the protagonist. She becomes consumed by her environment, and what she thought was her salvation has become her prison.
Don't get me wrong, I really like strip clubs and my intention was not to cast a negative light on strip clubs in particular, but rather on the hollow pursuit of material wealth. The protagonist could have just as well chosen any other profession and become consumed by her environment and lost her identity and sense of purpose.
SYMBOLS
Every symbol within this painting is tied to the idea of forming a symbiotic relationship with the strip club environment. The subjects are no longer autonomous individuals and have been transformed into creatures attached to the poles. I exaggerated the breasts and buttocks in a fetishistic way to show that these women are no longer viewed as "real people" but are simple the sum of ideal feminine characteristics.
The colors and lighting are all about creating a mood. If you've ever set foot into a strip club, you'll have noticed that the lighting really sets the mood and while your eyes may be feasting on flesh it is never truly the color of natural skin, so that's why my three subjects are not flesh tone. I also wanted portray them as skeletal to show that they have been reduced to nothing but flesh and bone.
The arrangement of the subjects is akin to the traditional crucifixion scene with the center subject sacrificing herself for money. The woman on the left snorting the cocaine is caught in the endless cycle of addiction. I painted her body into a contorted loop with her foot stepping on her own head to show that addiction is a cycle as well as something that is self-imposed. The woman on the right has lost her identity as a result of her addiction and has become the physical manifestation of alcoholism. I painted this particular figure to represent myself. The blood pouring out of the bottle attached to her arm is symbolizes me pouring my soul out on to the stage. This is one of those double meaning images I like to use. Pouring out my soul into stage performances is both comforting, but also draining. It kept me sane, but also left me empty because it never seemed like it was enough.
LYRICS & MUSIC
The song can be purchased as a single or part of the album on my WEBSITE
Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles
We're oh so pretty
We're young and we're bold
We're oh so pretty
And we'll never grow old
We're oh so pretty x4
Welcome to the room where no one grows old
A shining new world awaits
There’s no cover charge
You pay with your soul
The glamour of seduction will swallow you whole
(We’re oh so pretty)
Welcome to the room where no one grows old
A shining new world awaits
There’s no cover charge
You pay with your soul
The glamour of seduction will swallow you whole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down
Into the hole
Your hollow existence will finally be filled
You’ve got money and acclaim
While they keep throwing you more bills
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down
Into the hole
(We’re oh so pretty)
Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow
Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow
Sorrow, sorrow, sorrow
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down x3
Into the hole
Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow
Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow
If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. One of the reasons I named the project "Borg Queen" is in reference to a line from the movie Star Trek: First Contact where the borg queen character is first introduced. Data asks the queen who she is and she says to him, "I am the one who is many." In this project I, Jenny Kirby, am the one who is many. In the musical realm am a composer, lyricist, singer, instrumentalist, producer and audio engineer. For live and video performances I'm an actor, choreographer, dancer, character designer, costume designer, set designer, scenic artist, storyboard artist, makeup artist, prop maker, set dresser and art director. For the visual component of what I do ie. the paintings I am of course a painter and digital artist as well as an entrepreneur with a business education background. So, you could say I wear a LOT of hats and use a combination of traditional and digital media and tools to create worlds. Because I am the one who is many and my technique is all about merging the organic with the synthetic I feel Borg Queen is an effective metaphor. Plus, I'm a huge Trekkie.
OVERVIEW
For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.
THIS IS REAL
This Is Real is about harsh reality that slaps you in the face during early adulthood. It's about the crushing weight of responsibility and that moment reality sets in and you realize that despite having, goals, talent, ambition and even a plan, there are circumstances out of your control and things rarely go according to plan. It's about shattered dreams, disillusionment and ultimately trying to cope with depression and anxiety when you feel like you're utterly failing in life. You start to feel like despite all your hard work you're not getting ahead or you're not getting to where you want to be in life fast enough. You question yourself. You lose faith. You lose hope and your youthful optimism dies. In my case I turned to drugs and alcohol to cope and thought that if only I had enough money then I could solve my problems and get to where I want to be.
SYMBOLS
The painting is laced with visual symbols some of them with double meaning like the coins over the eyes that not only represent death, but also being blinded by the pursuit of material wealth. The smashed pumpkin and shattered glass slippers represent broken dreams and shattered idealism. In other words coming to grips with reality when your fairytale vision of how you think your adult life is going to be doesn't quite work out. The images of the shattered dreams are purposefully placed above the subjects head to show that she is being crushed the weight pressures of adult responsibility. The bloodied feet are walking a painful path as the blood spills out and drips down into a wine glass which is part of the main subjects arm representing drinking your sorrow. The subject is emaciated looking on purpose to show that she is spiritually bankrupt and her only salvation is money.
No one likes being rejected. It's hard not to take it personally, but it is a part of life and definitely something one experiences as an artist.
Yesterday's rant was about me being frustrated with having to play the role of publicist for myself. I'm pitching my music to online publications in the hopes that I'll get some press. Other than the fact that it's a tedious, boring time consuming process, the other major drawback of doing your own PR is getting all the rejections. If I were promoting someone else I wouldn't be emotionally invested in the process. Also, had I been able to hire a publicist, they would be getting all the rejections and I'd only be hearing about the publications willing to show me the love. Oh well, it's just another annoying reality of the popularity game you have to play when your an artist.
So, today my inbox has been flooded with all the rejections from yesterday's submissions of my song We're All Whores. It's disappointing for sure, but the key to not taking it personally is to remember that all art is subjective and just because someone doesn't like my work doesn't mean that it isn't "good" or have merit. Another way of putting it into perspective is thinking of it like any sales job. You're going to hear overwhelmingly more "no's" then "yes's" no matter what industry you're working in.
If you're curious about what's being rejected feel free to visit my website for a free download of We're All Whores, the song I've been submitting to promote my album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.
In any business there's a game to be played if you want to get ahead. Music is definitely no exception. Artistically speaking I already wear a bajillion and one hats being a singer/songwriter/composer/instrumentalist/producer/engineer and that's just the musical aspect of what I do with my project Borg Queen. There's also the visual component of my project that has me working as a one woman art department making music videos with production qualities way higher than I really need to in this game called the music biz. Don't get me wrong I love working on all the artistic stuff, and even the technical aspects of it are fascinating and extremely rewarding. I'm not bitching about that at all.
What get's to me is having to promote myself. Social media is the worst. I'm not a social creature, and while I do enjoy getting public recognition for my art because it's something I'm proud of, I hate seeking attention for the sake of getting attention. However, that is part of the game now. I can't JUST be a talented artist, get a record deal and sit in my ivory tower making music while my label promotes me. Those days are gone. Even signed artists have to play the game. Mind you most of the really established ones have someone managing their social media for them.
It's a different game in many ways now, but something that hasn't changed is that it still is all about who you know. One of the best ways of getting "discovered" or just looking credible is getting some press. But how do you get press? The easy, effective but expensive way is to hire a publicist. Not really an option for me right now given that I spent all my money on creating super high quality content and crazy elaborate music videos.
So here I am wearing yet another hat writing press releases and submitting my music to every blogger that covers my genre, that's also linked to Hype Machine. Hype Machine if you're wondering is a very popular music blog aggregator, and if you get your shit on there, then larger publications start taking notice. So, the bottom line is you wanna get yourself some press and get on Hype Machine, so you can get even better press and have MORE people notice you. It's like being in high school all over again. Needless to say I didn't really give a shit about being popular in high school because I was too busy being an artist. Now, I'm too busy trying to be popular plugging my new album that I haven't had enough time to be an artist.
So there's my rant. I don't like wearing all these hats. I just want to be an artist, make music, make cool videos and perform. In case you were wondering what I needed the press for, it's my new album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles that you can pre order by clicking on the image below.
If you buy it, I promise to use the money to hire a publicist so that I can return to doing what I do best...creating.
"So what if I make music with strong language? So what if my music videos have nudity? So what if I've taken my clothes off for money? None of these things a even remotely a factor in my relationship with my sons."
I'm a mom. I have 2 boys who I don't view as extensions of myself, but rather 2 people who I am responsible for mentoring and providing for their basic needs. Being a mom is not a job, career or occupation, for me it's a relationship. Relationships are as unique as the people involved and I personally think that when it comes to relationships nobody has the right to judge someone else's relationship.
I'm speaking from a very personal place right now because there is a woman who cyber stalks me routinely(once a month I am told) because she wants to ensure that I'm not doing anything that is inappropriate as a mother. She has been critical of my relationship with my son(s) for 6 years now and as much as I wish she would F.O.D. as Green Day so eloquently put it in their song F.O.D.from their album Dookie, I beginning to think that it's just wishful thinking on my part.
So what if I make music with strong language?
So what if my music videos have nudity?
So what if I've taken my clothes off for money?
None of these things a even remotely a factor in my relationships with my sons. I'm not going to justify my "mommy-ness" by posting about all the shit I do that makes me look like a good mom, and believe me there's a lot of it. Why? Honestly because my relationship with my sons are sacred and private.
I'm an artist and a mom, but I was an artist first, so that's why I'm going to continue make art how I see fit and the people who deem it's inappropriate for me to make the art that I do just because miniature humans have slipped out of my vagina can suck my metaphorical dick. That is all.
Now enjoy these deliciously inappropriate stills of me from my last music video Lapdance Romance.
"Call me crazy but I have about as much interest in fucking a selfish misogynist as I do listening to selfish misogynist bragging about how much pussy he gets over a loop of plagiarized musi...oops, I mean a sample."
Honestly I really don't know what to write about today, so I'm just going to write about what's on my mind 99% of the day - SEX. I'm in one of "those" moods where I am on the cusp of just blurting out all my super personal dirty laundry for the world to see. My mother says I lack discretion. Her thought process behind all this is that I write songs that are too "sexually explicit" and reveal too much of my body in music videos. I feel kind of bad for saying this because my mother is a sweet old woman, but her concerns are completely laughable. She has NO clue about what kind of content other artists put out. She's incredibly sheltered and naive and has obviously never heard Closer by Nine Inch Nails.
That's me covered in oil & uv ink getting down and dirty with my co-star in Lapdance Romance
I on the other hand embrace my sexuality and love expressing it artistically. I mean, who doesn't like
a good fuck? I know I do. If one can translate the experience of a hard, sweaty, dirty lay through an artistic medium than I say, "LETS DO IT!" I think the reason so much music out there is about sex is because sex is relateable. Everyone on this earth at some point is going to engage in some kind of sex act(masturbation counts).
Every genre of music has sex songs. They focus of sex tends to vary by genre, and I think what type of musical genre a person is drawn to reveals quite a bit about them sexually. I know it does in my case.
For example country and R&B tend focus on "making love." Personally that term makes me a little queasy so I kinda throw up in my mouth a little if someone refers to sex as "making love." I'ts just too sweet and sappy for my appetite. It's no surprise that both of those genres don't appeal to me at all.
Punk music on the other hand has a lot of masturbation references. Which makes sense if you think about it, because punk music is tends to be juvenile and simplistic, and lets face it, most of the sex you have as a juvenile is going to be with yourself and it doesn't get any simpler than that. On a side note, I'm a pretty big fan of punk music. *wink wink*
Pop music sex references tend to be pretty vanilla and generic much like the genre itself. The references are there but they're tired and overused. Again, just like everything within the pop genre. Not a huge fan of pop.
Rap/Hip Hop or what ever the fuck it's called these days is the one that actually irks me the most on a sexual level. Having worked in strip clubs I've been subjected to a lot of this particular genre. If a rap song isn't about money, drugs or "thug life" then it's gonna be about sex. I don't know what it is about these artists, but I were to use lyrics as an indicator of their sexual ability I'd have to say that these guys don't know how to fuck at all. Most of the time the song is about some dude talking about how feels like some "bitch" should be sucking his dick and then how she's such a "ho" for doing it. Call me crazy but I have about as much interest in fucking a selfish misogynist as I do listening to selfish misogynist bragging about how much pussy he gets over a loop of plagiarized musi...oops, I mean a sample.
I'm not gonna go through every genre of music, but I am going to end off with my genre. I'm an artist of the goth/electro/industrial variety. The sex songs are dark, psychologically driven, explicit at times and tend to be of the kinkier variety. Which pretty much sums me up. But I'll let you be the judge. My music video Lapdance Romance is a toned down version of my animistic side. Enjoy!
I'm a whore. Now, I know that you may be thinking...
What the fuck?
Really?
Why would you even admit that?
That's not something you should be flaunting online for the world to see!
While I'm not someone who exchanges sex for money, I am a big old whore nonetheless. For the past few years I've earned an income as an interior designer and I absolutely HATE it. I dread going to work everyday. I dread dealing with clients, and I hate the industry in general. I just do it for the money.
I feel degraded every time I have to absorb my client's rants, complaints and verbal abuse, and I just want to scream at them,
"YOUR HOUSE IS JUST A THING! RENOVATING IT ISN'T GOING TO FILL THE VOID IN YOUR LIFE, AND IT WON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY! JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU HAVE SHELTER AND THE FINANCIAL MEANS TO IMPROVE IT!!!!"
But I can't. It's not good for business, and the bottom line is... the bottom dollar. That is why I am a whore. I've let the bottom dollar control my life and it's made me miserable.
There is a light in all of this though. My life purpose is to create music and art and hopefully touch other peoples lives through my creations. I've decided to give up my "daytime whore job" as I've come to call it and dedicate my 9-5 time to making music and art full time! This is a huge leap of faith on my part because I'll be relying on my night job which is mostly tips to sustain me financially. I have faith and I am going to trust that all my financial needs will be met.
I'm not religious, but I do believe that there is a Higher Power that will help me along my life path, and as long as I am being who I am supposed to be then I will be blessed in my endeavors.It's hard for me to admit sometimes that I am a person of faith because a lot of people will automatically label me as a religious kook. There's an extremely negative stigma associated with religion and it's hard for some to wrap their mind around the fact that one can have faith and not be religious.
However, I digress, this post wasn't supposed to be about religion vs. faith, it was about me publicly announcing that I AM A WHORE NO MORE! What really excites me about this is that I'll be able to get so much more done, so much faster which means that you won't have to wait as long for the release of my album and music videos! In the meantime I'm offering a preview of a rough mix for We're All Whores which will be one of the tracks on my upcoming album. It sums up perfectly the trap that I think we all succumb to at some point in our lives.
My music video Lapdance Romance is on the BEAT100 chart and I really need some votes to make it climb higher.
NOTE: To vote click on the blue link that says "View on BEAT100" and then click the "Vote" button, or click here
My dilemma is how do I get my social media "friends" to vote for it without coming off as desperate and annoying. Truthfully, I know that of my 700+ facebook friends only a small fraction of them actually give a fuck about what I do as an artist and an even smaller portion actually enjoy the style of music I create. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to come off as cynical because nobody like a whiny little bitch, but how do I get people to care about what I do?
I hate begging because it's undignified and I hate boasting because I don't want to be a Kanyesque douche who claims they're a "big deal." However, how do I reach a wider audience unless I start acting like I am a big deal and asking for people to help me?
Should I just do it? Should I just Kanye it up and tell everyone I'm a big deal enough times until they believe it too? It seemed to work for him. Maybe I should make a bigger deal about myself. After all I am pretty talented.
Should I beg for votes? I mean really, marketing experts tell us that it takes 3 impressions of an ad for us to even take notice of it. Maybe I should advertise my video 3 times a day on my feed and make a heartfelt plea about how much it means to me to have my art supported.
At the time that I'm writing this blog entry I've received 15 votes from friends on facebook. It's kinda disheartening. I'd love to get more votes. The votes won't make me any money, but the higher I climb in the charts is another achievement that I can add to my bio which will in turn make me look like a bigger deal when I submit my music to larger market media outlets.
So fuck it! Fuck my dignity, I'm going to be shameless, PLEASE VOTE!!!!!
As many of you may know when it comes to my studio recordings, I'm essentially a one woman show. I write, record and produce everything myself with the exception of having a studio engineer when I'm recording vocals. It has it's set of advantages for sure. I get to have full creative control and don't have to deal with all the ego competition that goes along with having a band or butting heads with a producer over creative differences.
The disadvantage of doing everything myself is that it takes a lot longer. I now finally have all of the vocals recorded, but now I am faced with the daunting task of having to edit vocals and pitch correct everything. It's hours, upon hours of mind numbing tedious work, and when I close my eyes at night all I see is waveforms. Don't get me wrong though, I love a challenge, and it's a great learning experience, and the more I do it the faster and better I get at it.
The good news is that all my hard work is paying off because I do have the vast majority of my rough mixes done for the album. I've decided to share a couple of my mixes with you. I've heard that it's a big no-no to post unfinished work on the interwebs, but I've never been one to follow the rules so, here's a couple previews of what I've been working on so far. Bare in mind they are ROUGH mixes so all the shit that gets done to them to make them broadcast quality hasn't been done yet.
As I look back over the past 8 years I'm amazed at how something that began as an art therapy project has snowballed into this elaborate multi-media multi-disciplinary integrated art and music project I've named Borg Queen.
8 years ago I decided to get sober and that involved making some huge changes in my life which included leaving an abusive relationship. At the time I was working as a stripper after deciding the I just didn't want to use my artistic abilities to make video games. I know, sounds like a cool job right? Well, it was OK, and definitely a great learning experience, but I just wasn't passionate about it. So when my contract ended I fell back on my old stand by means of making money- exotic entertainment.
Some of you might be asking yourselves, isn't exotic entertainment just a PC or elaborate way of saying stripper? Yes, and no, but for me as an artist and performer I really truly enjoy entertaining people, and getting naked honestly just isn't that big of a deal to me. So for me, I consider my form of "Naked Halloween" to be exotic entertainment.
At that point in my life when this all began, I was just taking it "one day at a time" as the old recovery mantra goes, so I was just really grateful to be alive, free of abuse and sober. What I started to realize in my new sober state of mind was that my greatest educational experience was the lessons I was learning from being a strip...uh, I mean exotic dancer. No, seriously. Working in strip clubs has allowed me to study psychology, sociology, anthropology, business, economics, performance art and feminist studies all while making a decent wage.
I needed to do something to keep myself sane and sober between shows, so I decided to do a series of paintings based on the life lessons I was learning from my experiences as a dancer. What I didn't expect that while I was spreading the paint across the canvas was that I would start to hear music and chain together lyrics. I hadn't touched a music instrument in several years, but I dusted off my guitar and started writing songs again. I soon graduated to a USB keyboard and software synths. I named my little project Borg Queen because I love Star Trek and I felt that cyborgs are a great metaphor for what I do as an artist by merging organic and synthetic mediums.
Before I knew it I had written 10 songs and done 10 paintings! I'm calling this compilation of songs and paintings Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. It's been in the works for a long time now, but the end is in sight, productionwise anyway. So far, I've released a single and music video Lapdance Romance, and I'm really looking forward to the release of this album. I'm hesitant to give out any firm dates yet, but SOON...
In the wake of Robin Williams' death there has been a seemingly increased online conversation about depression. Depression is a topic that affects everyone, not just the sufferers, but this post is directed to those who are currently battling this all encompassing disease. I'm not anybody famous, or noteworthy. I'm just an artist telling her story. I've suffered from depression since childhood and I've learned some things about depression that I'd like to share.
1. It's OK That You're Depressed Right Now
Life has many seasons. There are ups and downs. It's OK and even normal to go through periods of depression.If you're struggling with depression right now, know that it's OK to be depressed. If this is where you currently are on you're life's journey then accept that this is where you're at right now is the first step to recovery.
2. Depression Is A Legitimate Medical Condition
I'm not going into too much scientific detail on this one, because it's a mainstream medical view that depression is a medical condition. Should a diabetic be overcome with guilt because of their medical condition? Of course not, and neither should you.
3.Your Illness Does Not Define You
No one single characteristic that you possess defines you. Your age, race, sexual orientation, religion, marital status, parental status, disability, career or medical condition are simply characteristics that make you more multidimensional, but not a single one of these things will add value or devalue your worth. Just because a person is blind for example doesn't mean that being blind is all that there is too them, and it certainly doesn't make them any less valuable. Similarly, being depressed does not devalue your worth as a person. You are just as incredible, worthwhile and unique whether you're feeling wonderful or in currently stuck the pit of despair.
4. There Is Hope
You may not feel like there is any hope right now, but I promise you as someone who struggles with this illness, that there is hope and you are loved. You may say to yourself, but I have no one and I'm all alone, so how can anyone love me? Maybe you're not surrounded with the right people right now, but at some point in your life, if it hasn't already happened, you will be loved by someone. So hang in there. Love is worth living for and it will find you, but the first step to letting love find you is to learn to love yourself. Help is available and there are many people who do care, and have dedicated their lives to helping people suffering from depression. You don't need to suffer in silence anymore, so talk to someone, you'd be surprised at how supportive people really are.
Because this is my blog about my art and music I'm including an instrumental version of a song and the painting I've about overcoming depression called My Resurrection. My biggest reason for sharing my art with the world is that I know the power it has to reach people and touch them on a personal level. One of my greatest influences Trent Reznor is famous for writing songs about isolation and depression. Listening to his music has been therapeutic for me because it's made realize that I'm not alone in this and there are others out there who do understand. I've also posted some links at the bottom of this page to resources available to those suffering from depression.
One of the most profound realizations that I came to while going through alcohol recovery 8 years ago was that I'm human and that means that I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. I was raised by a perfectionist to be a perfectionist. I come from a long line--on my mom's side at least--of chronic, nit-picking, judgmental perfectionists who are never satisfied with anything. There is always a reason to complain and point out the faults of others. Of course, they justify their finger wagging in the name of "constructive criticism," but the years of my childhood spent worrying that my I was never good enough, and the years of drowning myself in alcohol so I could just relax for once would beg to differ.
However, I've resolved to break the family tradition and just let myself be an imperfect human being. This is the reason that I've decided to post unfinished tracks on my soundcloudfor my fans to listen to. I have versions of songs without any pitch correction on the vocals to show the world and remind myself that much like my art, I am a work in progress. I work to better myself and my craft, but I will never be perfect. So I invite you to enjoy this imperfect unfinished instrumental backing track for my song This Is Real.
For those of you who don't already know this, for each song that I write I also do a painting to convey visually the concept behind the song. I'm currently mixing my song Hedonist which is about a time in my life when I was in an abusive relationship. The strange thing about abuse is that it's a vicious cycle that perpetuates itself. In my case, I was being abused mentally and physically, and instead of breaking the cycle of abuse by leaving the situation, I stayed and medicated myself by indulging in various forms of hedonism, the most notable being alcohol, drugs, over-eating and sex addiction. My drugs of choice were enough of an escape to make a terrible situation bearable enough to endure despite the fact that I was squandering my life away and my addictions were transforming me into an entirely different person. Unfortunately, that person I became was someone who didn't give a fuck about anything, and the intelligent, creative, passionate person that I truly am was buried for several years.
My artwork for Hedonist is a visual representation of the concept of an addiction transforming a person into and alter ego and simultaneously mutilating and destroying the individual who has allowed themselves to remain the victim.
Cover Art for Hedonsit - The Birth Of Venus De Milo
As much as I love trying to promote the hell out of my music video Lapdance Romance what I really love to do is make music videos. As a visual artist and a musician music videos are the perfect medium for a creative such as myself. My next music video Hedonist is what I'm now focusing my attention on. The music video/song is about a descent into insanity and using various forms of hedonism to escape the pain of domestic abuse.
Today I came up with a costume design that I'll be wearing in the video. I'll be wearing it in the scenes that take place in the Hedonist's padded cell.
The Hedonist in her padded cell
The song is based on my own experience with domestic violence and how enduring years of abuse fractured my psyche into different people - The Good Girl(the real me), The Hedonist(the alcoholic me) and The Lunatic(the mentally ill me). The two costumes below are The Hedonist(left) and The Good Girl(right).
