Crippling Horrible Depression

The clouds are so thick that all I can feel is the ultraviolet radiation permeating my skin, damaging me on a cellular level. A walk through the forest draws my attention to the soil erosion around the root systems a grim reminder that the air filling my lungs is now contains 400ppm of carbon. This is the nature of depression. It is all consuming. A dark fog that won't lift, and I used to be able to see the beauty in a foggy day. Maybe it's just because there have been so many foggy days lately that I've forgotten that there is a world outside of the dark cloud that surrounds me.

Three weeks ago I was sexually assaulted. The life has just been sucked right out of me, but I tell myself that I have to keep emulating the behavior of the living. I tell myself that if I can just keep pretending to live that I'll feel alive again. If it were just the heartbreak of losing my partner, or simply coping with having a chronic illness or even if all I had to deal with was the psychological and legal fallout of being sexually assaulted then I feel as if I could stitch together enough broken pieces of myself to resemble a functional person.

So what do I do? Life doesn't just stop because I've lost the ability to function. Life goes on, right? Besides, there are so many things I have to get done. I have to finish filming music videos. I have to finish the artwork layout for my CD's. I have to fulfill all my crowdfunding perks. I have to start on a PR campaign for my album release. I have to start organizing a live show. I have to keep start recording my new EP...the list goes on and on, just like life. How do I accomplish all of this when my body is in so much agony that I can barely move and my mind is so foggy that I'm not even aware of my own thoughts half the time. It's taken me 4 days to write this tiny little blog post because it's so hard to focus.

So why even write a post like this? Well, the answer is the same as to the question, "why write songs and paint pictures of dark subject matter?" The answer is that we all will suffer as human beings. Many times our suffering will be inflicted upon us for no discernable reason. This is the nature of our physical existence, but like everything else in this physical existence, suffering is not permanent either. We're also not alone in our suffering. There is always someone out there who understands, we just need to reach out and ask for help.

Will I always feel like this? Logically speaking...no, I won't even though right now it feels like I'll never feel joy again. I just have to remember that I haven't always felt like this so chances are that this too shall pass.

Frustration - A Journal Entry

Frustration! Seems like it's been the running theme of my life lately, and it's all come to a head now. The dog bites to the left side of my body are the icing on the bad medical luck cake that I've been force fed as of late. I've been suffering from some kind of neurological condition which has been very painful, but no definiative diagnosis yet. I'm not sure whats happening to me and so far neither are the doctors I've seen, but they've been tossing around ideas that range anywhere from stress, zoster sine herpete (shingles with no rach), post viral neuralgia, MS and brain tumors. Not only is the pain excruciating at times, but because I don't know which condition I have, I tend to think the worst. I've been mentally preparing myself for the worst.

Sometimes I'm entirely convinced that I don't have a lot of time left. I then comfort myself by telling myself that no one really knows how much time they actually have left. I could go out today with my family and be killed in a car accident 5 min. from my house.

I'm also just feeling so pissed off with myself for not working on anything music or art related for the past few days. I had big plans that involved painting a picture for Dan's birthday present, and recording some vocals and mixing a song, making and uploading some more videos for my YouTube channel http://www.youtube.com/user/BorgQueenMusic. I did none of it!!!!!! Arghhhhhhh!!!! I'm vowing to myself to at least record the vocals tommorrow.

I feel like I'm going nowhere sometimes, and I'm racing against time because I fear that I'll either be dead or not young and beautiful enough that anyone will care to be entertained by me. It's killing me literally, according to my faithful, loving life partner Dan. I wish I didn't care sometimes. I wish I wasn't so driven sometimes, but then I wouldn't be me and I'd sit at home all day watching Spongebob Squarepants while laughing at the misfortunes of others on epicfail.com, which hilariously enough in itself would qualify as an "Epic Fail."

I hope to God that tommorrow is a new day motivationally and inspirationally speaking, and I can just get on with my day and not worry about whether or not I will succeed in this life as far as an artistic career is concerned. It's frustrating me to no end. I'm going to attempt to relax and not think about being sick, or in pain, or success, or financial concerns, or fear of failure, because I am blessed. I have Dan's love whether or not I paint him pictures and my wonderful son Soren who thinks I'm the coolest person ever. That's what I'm going to focus on today, and nothing else.