A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 2 of 10

OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is the title track/painting Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles.

SEX, DRUGS AND SHINY BRASS POLES

Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is the second piece in the series and is a continuation of the story. This Is Real, the first painting in the series focuses on the pressures one experiences when entering adulthood, particularly the role finances(or lack there of) play in our emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. In This Is Real the protagonist has become blinded by the pursuit of wealth because she sees money as the solution to her problems.

Both the paintings and the songs blend conceptually into each other as well as sonically. When you listen to the album in it's entirety on CD one song flows into the next. I did this on purpose because the storyline of each piece is tied to the one before and after it. Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is the appearant solution to the problem presented in This Is Real. However, the financial solution presented in SDSBP begins to create a whole new set of problems for the protagonist. She becomes consumed by her environment, and what she thought was her salvation has become her prison.

Don't get me wrong, I really like strip clubs and my intention was not to cast a negative light on strip clubs in particular, but rather on the hollow pursuit of material wealth. The protagonist could have just as well chosen any other profession and become consumed by her environment and lost her identity and sense of purpose.

SYMBOLS

Every symbol within this painting is tied to the idea of forming a symbiotic relationship with the strip club environment. The subjects are no longer autonomous individuals and have been transformed into creatures attached to the poles. I exaggerated the breasts and buttocks in a fetishistic way to show that these women are no longer viewed as "real people" but are simple the sum of ideal feminine characteristics.

The colors and lighting are all about creating a mood. If you've ever set foot into a strip club, you'll have noticed that the lighting really sets the mood and while your eyes may be feasting on flesh it is never truly the color of natural skin, so that's why my three subjects are not flesh tone. I also wanted portray them as skeletal to show that they have been reduced to nothing but flesh and bone.

Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

The arrangement of the subjects is akin to the traditional crucifixion scene with the center subject sacrificing herself for money. The woman on the left snorting the cocaine is caught in the endless cycle of addiction. I painted her body into a contorted loop with her foot stepping on her own head to show that addiction is a cycle as well as something that is self-imposed. The woman on the right has lost her identity as a result of her addiction and has become the physical manifestation of alcoholism. I painted this particular figure to represent myself. The blood pouring out of the bottle attached to her arm is symbolizes me pouring my soul out on to the stage. This is one of those double meaning images I like to use. Pouring out my soul into stage performances is both comforting, but also draining. It kept me sane, but also left me empty because it never seemed like it was enough.

LYRICS & MUSIC

The song can be purchased as a single or part of the album on my WEBSITE

Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles

We're oh so pretty
We're young and we're bold
We're oh so pretty
And we'll never grow old
We're oh so pretty x4

Welcome to the room where no one grows old
A shining new world awaits
There’s no cover charge
You pay with your soul
The glamour of seduction will swallow you whole
(We’re oh so pretty)
Welcome to the room where no one grows old
A shining new world awaits
There’s no cover charge
You pay with your soul
The glamour of seduction will swallow you whole

Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down
Into the hole

Your hollow existence will finally be filled
You’ve got money and acclaim
While they keep throwing you more bills

Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down
Into the hole
(We’re oh so pretty)
Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow

Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow
Sorrow, sorrow, sorrow

Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down x3
Into the hole

Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow

Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow 

Panic Mode & Challenging Negativity

I'm going to reveal something about myself that is kinda embarrasing. I know that as an artist/musician/performer, I'm supposed to carefully craft my image to that of a superhuman goddesslike creature so letting you in on my insecurities is breaking the mold. However if I can share with you some insight into the human condition through my art which is a reflection of my soul, then why not share what I'm currently going through as I deal with it. Maybe it can be helpful or perhaps relevant to something you experience too?

So here's my problem. I'm a perfectionist. It is one of my many character flaws rooted in the need to be in control that I'm trying to work on. However, once in a while(like right now) it rears it's ugly head. Actually when I'm under stress and I feel like everything is spiraling out of control is when my dysfunctional persona takes control and my meticulous nature swings to the unhealthy end of the spectrum and manifests itself as anal retentive perfectionism. It's so bad! Not to mention counter productive. It really does boil down to feeling horribly out of control.

I had a rehearsal yesterday that went poorly on my part from the moment I left my house. I got stuck in a huge traffic jam and rehearsal started almost an hour late. I can't breathe properly because I found out this morning from the doctor that I have bronchitis, so my singing was beyond terrible and to top it all off I had horrible menstrual cramps. All of that shit was so far out of my realm of control, but I was tripping balls on the inside and my mind starts spitting out thoughts like this...

"there's only 3 more rehearsals to go until the show and it just feels like the show is soooooo far from ready and if today's performance was any indication of how things are going to go down at showtime you have no business being on stage."

Is that line of thinking reality? Thank God I've seen enough therapists that I know that what I'm dealing with is distorted thinking based on an automatic negative thought process that's triggered when I'm under stress.

The various mental health professionals I've seen tell me that automatic negative thoughts are a result of rules and values that were instilled into us during childhood. In my case the rule of my childhood was that unless I got 100% on a test or won a blue ribbon it did not merit praise or a reward. Sound completely insane? It does to me now, but that line of thinking was normal for me in my childhood all the way into my 20's. I was not allowed to make mistakes. There was no "just try your best and that's good enough." It was "your best is perfection and anything less is failure."

Letting go of that mindset is hard because it was a core belief for the better part of my life, but if I am to grow both personally and artistically I have to accept imperfection and human limitations. Whenever a negative thought starts sending me into panic mode it is essential that I challenge it be using the R.U.L.E system. So what that means is:

1. Identifying the negative thought causing the distress which in this case is... "My show is going to suck and I have no business being in stage."

2. Challenging the thought using R.U.L.E. an acronym for a series of 4 questions where subject the thought to the following criteria:
Realistic?
Useful?
Logical?
Evidence to support the thought?

If you answer "no" to any of the questions, then you must reject the line of thinking as being untrue.

So here's how I apply R.U.L.E to my case.

Is it REALISTIC that my show is going to suck? 

No. I'm an experienced performer and while I might not always be happy with my performance, it doesn't mean that the performance sucks.

Is it USEFUL to tell myself that I have no business being on stage? 

No. Berating oneself is not a useful activity and my time can be better used taking care of myself so I can recover and have the best possible chance of putting on a great show.

Is it LOGICAL to think my show is going to suck and I have no business being on stage? 

No. I was sought out by the event organizer because my performances are maintain a high production value and are eye catching.

Is there EVIDENCE to support the negative thought? 

At this point by answering the first 3 questions I've managed to state evidence to the contrary plus I can just watch this video from a week ago and remind myself that I'm working with some talented people, and the show will come together as planned. Once I get my voice and health back I will be able to give it MY 100% and even though it may not be perfect it will still be a hell of a show. 

The piece we're working on in the video(above) is Lapdance Romance a song off my latest album. You can stream the entire song on my website, and even purchase a copy if you like and want to continue supporting my creative endeavors.

Visit www.borg-queen-music.com for more info about my project and to get a FREE SONG!

Crippling Horrible Depression

The clouds are so thick that all I can feel is the ultraviolet radiation permeating my skin, damaging me on a cellular level. A walk through the forest draws my attention to the soil erosion around the root systems a grim reminder that the air filling my lungs is now contains 400ppm of carbon. This is the nature of depression. It is all consuming. A dark fog that won't lift, and I used to be able to see the beauty in a foggy day. Maybe it's just because there have been so many foggy days lately that I've forgotten that there is a world outside of the dark cloud that surrounds me.

Three weeks ago I was sexually assaulted. The life has just been sucked right out of me, but I tell myself that I have to keep emulating the behavior of the living. I tell myself that if I can just keep pretending to live that I'll feel alive again. If it were just the heartbreak of losing my partner, or simply coping with having a chronic illness or even if all I had to deal with was the psychological and legal fallout of being sexually assaulted then I feel as if I could stitch together enough broken pieces of myself to resemble a functional person.

So what do I do? Life doesn't just stop because I've lost the ability to function. Life goes on, right? Besides, there are so many things I have to get done. I have to finish filming music videos. I have to finish the artwork layout for my CD's. I have to fulfill all my crowdfunding perks. I have to start on a PR campaign for my album release. I have to start organizing a live show. I have to keep start recording my new EP...the list goes on and on, just like life. How do I accomplish all of this when my body is in so much agony that I can barely move and my mind is so foggy that I'm not even aware of my own thoughts half the time. It's taken me 4 days to write this tiny little blog post because it's so hard to focus.

So why even write a post like this? Well, the answer is the same as to the question, "why write songs and paint pictures of dark subject matter?" The answer is that we all will suffer as human beings. Many times our suffering will be inflicted upon us for no discernable reason. This is the nature of our physical existence, but like everything else in this physical existence, suffering is not permanent either. We're also not alone in our suffering. There is always someone out there who understands, we just need to reach out and ask for help.

Will I always feel like this? Logically speaking...no, I won't even though right now it feels like I'll never feel joy again. I just have to remember that I haven't always felt like this so chances are that this too shall pass.

Transferable Skills

So I hate my day job, and most people do, but I am grateful for the transferable skills I can apply to doing the awesomeness that is Borg Queen. During the day I work as an interior designer which basically involves me designing kitchen's and bathrooms for fussy middle aged women and helping solve the dilemma of which shade of beige they should paint their walls. Ugh.

However the bright side to this is that I've got some wicked design skills and software that I can transfer over to doing much cooler things like designing sets for my next music video as seen below. Behold the psychiatrist's office that is yet another carefully crafted symbol of what goes on in my mind as I have conversations with myself as a form of my own inner cognitive behavioral therapy.

The Necessity Of Self-Indulgence

The fact that I'm blogging about myself as an artist is a pretty good indication of how self-indulgent I am. Artists in general are extremely self-indulgent, and the commercially successful artists are the ones who have learned to capitalize off it. Whether an artist is a writer, actor, musician or painter the bottom line is that the product they are selling is themselves. This makes a certain degree of self-indulgent behaviour a necessity for the career artist, but what happens when that oh so necessary trait spills over into our intimate relationships and begins to wreak havoc? Is it possible for the artist to be commercially successful and have a successful, monogamous lifetime partnership?

The answer is yes, BUT...


1. It's better not to get involved with another artist in the same field

There's a reason behind all of those divorces among Hollywood actors. Ego competition is a huge issue when it comes to pairing up with someone who is technically your competition. The artistic ego is huge, but extremely fragile. If it isn't constantly nurtured by the other partner, insecurities will begin to run rampant and conflict will ensue. There's also the jealousy factor. If both partners are equally as career driven and one achieves significantly more success it can cause feelings of resentment.

For me personally, I would never be able to date another visual artist, actor or musician. As much as we would have in common, I know myself too well, and I know that I would get competitive. It would probably drive me to succeed faster in the short run, but deep down I'd always be comparing myself to them artistically. I'll be the first to admit that when I'm taking a stroll through the Vancouver Art Gallery, I'm thinking to myself a lot of the time, "My stuff is equally as good if not better than half of this shit." I don't want to be thinking these thoughts about my life partner and their work. I think that's why my relationship with my partner works. He writes fantasy, and I have no interest in producing that genre in any medium whatsoever.


2. The artist's partner must be their #1 fan.

As artists we are our work, and we need to be recognized and applauded. As sad as this is, it's what validates us as people. It sounds sick, but that's why the artists gift is often the artist's curse. In every relationship, both parties need to feel loved and supported. For the artist, loving and supporting the artist's work is the same thing as loving and supporting the artist on a personal level. We wouldn't bother doing what we do publicly if it wasn't for our adoring fans, even if we just have one fan, and if we do just have one fan, it needs to be our partner.

I am very fortunate to finally have someone that is my #1 fan. He's my lifelong groupie, and I love him for it. Without his love of what I do, I wouldn't be driven to succeed like I am. My goal is to be able to one day be able to support him with the money that I make by just being me. In the mean time, I'll write songs and paint pictures about him, so he knows that it's not always just about me which brings me to my final point.


3. The artist must learn make a concentrated effort to not always make it just about themselves.

The artist has to accept and admit their self-indulgence. Much like the recovering alcoholic, this will free them to be able to take some responsibility for their behaviour. The artist must take and display a genuine interest in the other partner's life. I know this sounds obvious, but it's not something that comes naturally for the artist. It's not that we artists aren't interested in other people, it's more along the lines that we get so caught up in displaying ourselves constantly that we forget to show that we do think about other people.

Sometimes it's hard for the artist to get this because we are hard-wired to understand that we get attention by creating some kind of spectacular masterpiece. Also, most artists are introverted by nature and it's difficult to have to be the extrovert and take the first step to being sociable and starting a conversation, unless it's about something that we are an expert.

I personally find social situations awkward. I have a hard time at parties(unless I've been drinking) and social gatherings like family dinners and what not. I know that it comes across like I'm either very shy or antisocial, but I'm not. I love people and I have no problem being on a stage in front of thousands of them. I just have a hard time getting in on a group conversation, because I feel like I should only be talking if I have every body's full attention.

Thankfully, I know these things about myself and I know I have to make an effort to be more extroverted. After all, the product I am selling is myself and I'd hate to alienate my target audience.