Panic Mode & Challenging Negativity

I'm going to reveal something about myself that is kinda embarrasing. I know that as an artist/musician/performer, I'm supposed to carefully craft my image to that of a superhuman goddesslike creature so letting you in on my insecurities is breaking the mold. However if I can share with you some insight into the human condition through my art which is a reflection of my soul, then why not share what I'm currently going through as I deal with it. Maybe it can be helpful or perhaps relevant to something you experience too?

So here's my problem. I'm a perfectionist. It is one of my many character flaws rooted in the need to be in control that I'm trying to work on. However, once in a while(like right now) it rears it's ugly head. Actually when I'm under stress and I feel like everything is spiraling out of control is when my dysfunctional persona takes control and my meticulous nature swings to the unhealthy end of the spectrum and manifests itself as anal retentive perfectionism. It's so bad! Not to mention counter productive. It really does boil down to feeling horribly out of control.

I had a rehearsal yesterday that went poorly on my part from the moment I left my house. I got stuck in a huge traffic jam and rehearsal started almost an hour late. I can't breathe properly because I found out this morning from the doctor that I have bronchitis, so my singing was beyond terrible and to top it all off I had horrible menstrual cramps. All of that shit was so far out of my realm of control, but I was tripping balls on the inside and my mind starts spitting out thoughts like this...

"there's only 3 more rehearsals to go until the show and it just feels like the show is soooooo far from ready and if today's performance was any indication of how things are going to go down at showtime you have no business being on stage."

Is that line of thinking reality? Thank God I've seen enough therapists that I know that what I'm dealing with is distorted thinking based on an automatic negative thought process that's triggered when I'm under stress.

The various mental health professionals I've seen tell me that automatic negative thoughts are a result of rules and values that were instilled into us during childhood. In my case the rule of my childhood was that unless I got 100% on a test or won a blue ribbon it did not merit praise or a reward. Sound completely insane? It does to me now, but that line of thinking was normal for me in my childhood all the way into my 20's. I was not allowed to make mistakes. There was no "just try your best and that's good enough." It was "your best is perfection and anything less is failure."

Letting go of that mindset is hard because it was a core belief for the better part of my life, but if I am to grow both personally and artistically I have to accept imperfection and human limitations. Whenever a negative thought starts sending me into panic mode it is essential that I challenge it be using the R.U.L.E system. So what that means is:

1. Identifying the negative thought causing the distress which in this case is... "My show is going to suck and I have no business being in stage."

2. Challenging the thought using R.U.L.E. an acronym for a series of 4 questions where subject the thought to the following criteria:
Realistic?
Useful?
Logical?
Evidence to support the thought?

If you answer "no" to any of the questions, then you must reject the line of thinking as being untrue.

So here's how I apply R.U.L.E to my case.

Is it REALISTIC that my show is going to suck? 

No. I'm an experienced performer and while I might not always be happy with my performance, it doesn't mean that the performance sucks.

Is it USEFUL to tell myself that I have no business being on stage? 

No. Berating oneself is not a useful activity and my time can be better used taking care of myself so I can recover and have the best possible chance of putting on a great show.

Is it LOGICAL to think my show is going to suck and I have no business being on stage? 

No. I was sought out by the event organizer because my performances are maintain a high production value and are eye catching.

Is there EVIDENCE to support the negative thought? 

At this point by answering the first 3 questions I've managed to state evidence to the contrary plus I can just watch this video from a week ago and remind myself that I'm working with some talented people, and the show will come together as planned. Once I get my voice and health back I will be able to give it MY 100% and even though it may not be perfect it will still be a hell of a show. 

The piece we're working on in the video(above) is Lapdance Romance a song off my latest album. You can stream the entire song on my website, and even purchase a copy if you like and want to continue supporting my creative endeavors.

Visit www.borg-queen-music.com for more info about my project and to get a FREE SONG!

Style and Substance: Hotness vs. Talent

Years ago I interviewed an actor friend of mine and asked him what factors increase a person's chances of success in the world of professional acting. He looked me right in the eye and bluntly stated "be hot and talented." The idealist in me didn't want to accept that hotness plays as much of a role in an entertainer's(particularly a female's) success, but my inner realist knew he hit the nail on the head. Of course neither hotness nor talent or combination thereof will guarantee success, but it will increase your chances.

So armed with this knowledge of the winning formula to increase my success as an musician/performer/artist I find myself constantly balancing style with substance. The following is a list of questions I have had to answer when taking an honest inventory of my artistic integrity vs. marketability of the content I produce.

So what is the right ratio of style to substance? 

Appreciation of aesthetic is part and parcel of being a visual artist. Style is integral to what I do and does bleed into my other artistic mediums including the music I make. So how important is the packaging? For me personally, the packing must be a reflection of what is on the inside. It must make a strong impression and draw the audience into the concept being conveyed through the medium.

We all judge a book by it's cover to a certain extent and that is something I keep in mind when designing that cover. I want the outside to be an accurate reflection of the lies underneath.

Artistic intent conveyed through style is not just art for the sake of art. Every visual element is deliberate and tells a part of the story.

So what about using sex to promote yourself as an artist?

I'm innately drawn to anything sexy as I think most humans are so that's wht sex sells. When it comes to my artforms though, the questions I ask myself are, "Am I selling sex? Is sex in anyway integral to the concept I'm relating through my art?" If the answer is yes, then of course I'm going to use sex as a promotional tool because that is what the song or painting or performance is about. Using sex as a promotional tool in that context is truthful and doesn't compromise artistic integrity.

However, let's say I've written a song about my dad's death. Am I going to sex myself up to promote the song? Of course not, because it's not artistically relevant and it would be painfully obvious and sad that I was using sexy images of myself just to gain popularity.

The song We're All Whores uses a sexual metaphor lyrically and visually to convey the concept of human commodification as a result of capitalism.

Does hotness matter?

Sadly, yes. Especially if you're a woman, but make no mistake if you rely solely on hotness to gain popularity and the try to legitimize yourself as a serious artist afterwards, it's harder to be taken seriously. You could be super talented, skillful, accomplished and intelligent but if you ride the hotness train to popularity town you'll find it harder to change people's perception of who you truly are because you bombarded them for so long with only one dimension of yourself. Some people just don't care to see beyond the hotness. It takes longer to gain a fan base by not exploiting just your sexuality, but in the long run you'll be appreciated for your art and not just your image. Marilyn Monroe was a legitimately talented actor, but do we talk about how talented she was, no we talk about how beautiful she was.

So how do we strike a the balance between being a sellout and being naively idealistic?

In the end our art is our legacy it out lives us. So being mindful of that fact, we should aim to promote ourselves and our craft with truthfulness and integrity, but sometimes that does mean being overtly sexual. Ultimately, what brings about lasting success is being true to one's self. After all, in art everything is subjective including hotness and talent.