Labels Are Limiting

Labels are necessary and helpful. They save us time and energy. In the information age where we can't possibly sift through all the content that crosses our path, we need to categorize, sort, label and hash tag content so that we can make a decision as to whether something is relevant and worthy of our attention. As a content creator, everything I publish is tagged with labels so it can be sorted by algorithms and distributed to the audience that will most likely give a fuck about it. While this is efficient for narrowing down a target audience, it is artistically limiting.

Why I Don't Want To Be Reduced To Just Another Goth Cliché

One of the primary labels I use is "goth." Why? Because that has been a label consistently assigned to me by others. I didn't wake up one day and decide to be goth, but I can't even count how many times people have asked me if I'm goth, to which I reply, "if that's how you see me, then to you I am goth and that's fine." However, when I look at myself as a person and an artist I'm not creating content to conform to a subculture's set of parameters by which they define themselves. That mindset goes against every shred of artistic integrity within my being! I HATE conformity, and despite how alternative a subculture may portray it's ideals to be, the very fact that it is a culture unto it's own means that people who identify as part of that culture are conforming to it.

There's a part of me that cringes every time I type #gothgirl, #goth or #gothrock on my Instagram posts, but because it makes my content more discoverable and I know that people who like other content with those labels are likely to enjoy my stuff. It does not mean that I tailor my content to fit the parameters of what is considered goth. It simply means that there are elements of my style that overlap with certain goth clichés.

Why I Have To Reduce Myself To Another Goth Cliché(kind of)

From a business marketing standpoint it would make sense to incorporate more of those clichés into my content, but then I'd be artistically limiting myself. One of the hardest things I have to do is when I'm promoting myself is define myself as an artist. I'm a rock artist, but so is Nickelback and I sound and look nothing like them. I'm technically an indie rock artist, but almost every indie rock publication that I submitted my music to for review didn't find my work to their taste because I don't sound like Arcade Fire or whatever the indie rock flavor of the moment is. There was for a moment the temptation to listen to what was getting publicity on Hype Machine and then try to pick a song of mine that sounded as close that style as possible and then make musical comparisons of my stuff to other bands that are currently popular, just so I could at least get some publicity, but then I'd REALLY be a sellout. So in order to stay true to myself and get publicity I have to find the fans of other artists who possess overlapping sonic and visual elements to mine and then label myself accordingly. In my case, being a pale, macabre artist who's biggest musical influence is Nine Inch Nails means that goth subculture is likely to embrace me.

Why I'm Not JUST A Goth Artist

I do hate to limit myself to one very niche genre though. When I set out to do my album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles, I wanted to tell a story through paintings and sound. I didn't have any pre conceived ideas of what it was going to sound like or what genre it was going to be. I wanted to create a world for my audience to experience. I wanted to draw them into the world of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles that I experienced so they could see it through my eyes and gain the insights that I did. I wanted to show people that travelling through a dark place can be an enlightening experience.

One of the publications that reviewed my album was Jamsphere and I really appreciated what they had to say because honestly I couldn't have said it better myself.

"she sounds like an artist free of any unnecessary expectations, from herself on any outside sources...From the second “This is Real” kicks off the album, you realize it doesn’t even matter if you’re not into industrial, alternative or electronic music because “Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles” really can’t be classified or labeled, in such a limiting way. It’s just amazingly composed, brooding, haunting music which takes you into another level of consciousness."(read the entire review here)

If you're curious as to what music without expectations sounds like, you can stream the entire album below and if you like it or just want to support me you can buy it on iTunes or my Official Website. Hope you enjoy!

Panic Mode & Challenging Negativity

I'm going to reveal something about myself that is kinda embarrasing. I know that as an artist/musician/performer, I'm supposed to carefully craft my image to that of a superhuman goddesslike creature so letting you in on my insecurities is breaking the mold. However if I can share with you some insight into the human condition through my art which is a reflection of my soul, then why not share what I'm currently going through as I deal with it. Maybe it can be helpful or perhaps relevant to something you experience too?

So here's my problem. I'm a perfectionist. It is one of my many character flaws rooted in the need to be in control that I'm trying to work on. However, once in a while(like right now) it rears it's ugly head. Actually when I'm under stress and I feel like everything is spiraling out of control is when my dysfunctional persona takes control and my meticulous nature swings to the unhealthy end of the spectrum and manifests itself as anal retentive perfectionism. It's so bad! Not to mention counter productive. It really does boil down to feeling horribly out of control.

I had a rehearsal yesterday that went poorly on my part from the moment I left my house. I got stuck in a huge traffic jam and rehearsal started almost an hour late. I can't breathe properly because I found out this morning from the doctor that I have bronchitis, so my singing was beyond terrible and to top it all off I had horrible menstrual cramps. All of that shit was so far out of my realm of control, but I was tripping balls on the inside and my mind starts spitting out thoughts like this...

"there's only 3 more rehearsals to go until the show and it just feels like the show is soooooo far from ready and if today's performance was any indication of how things are going to go down at showtime you have no business being on stage."

Is that line of thinking reality? Thank God I've seen enough therapists that I know that what I'm dealing with is distorted thinking based on an automatic negative thought process that's triggered when I'm under stress.

The various mental health professionals I've seen tell me that automatic negative thoughts are a result of rules and values that were instilled into us during childhood. In my case the rule of my childhood was that unless I got 100% on a test or won a blue ribbon it did not merit praise or a reward. Sound completely insane? It does to me now, but that line of thinking was normal for me in my childhood all the way into my 20's. I was not allowed to make mistakes. There was no "just try your best and that's good enough." It was "your best is perfection and anything less is failure."

Letting go of that mindset is hard because it was a core belief for the better part of my life, but if I am to grow both personally and artistically I have to accept imperfection and human limitations. Whenever a negative thought starts sending me into panic mode it is essential that I challenge it be using the R.U.L.E system. So what that means is:

1. Identifying the negative thought causing the distress which in this case is... "My show is going to suck and I have no business being in stage."

2. Challenging the thought using R.U.L.E. an acronym for a series of 4 questions where subject the thought to the following criteria:
Realistic?
Useful?
Logical?
Evidence to support the thought?

If you answer "no" to any of the questions, then you must reject the line of thinking as being untrue.

So here's how I apply R.U.L.E to my case.

Is it REALISTIC that my show is going to suck? 

No. I'm an experienced performer and while I might not always be happy with my performance, it doesn't mean that the performance sucks.

Is it USEFUL to tell myself that I have no business being on stage? 

No. Berating oneself is not a useful activity and my time can be better used taking care of myself so I can recover and have the best possible chance of putting on a great show.

Is it LOGICAL to think my show is going to suck and I have no business being on stage? 

No. I was sought out by the event organizer because my performances are maintain a high production value and are eye catching.

Is there EVIDENCE to support the negative thought? 

At this point by answering the first 3 questions I've managed to state evidence to the contrary plus I can just watch this video from a week ago and remind myself that I'm working with some talented people, and the show will come together as planned. Once I get my voice and health back I will be able to give it MY 100% and even though it may not be perfect it will still be a hell of a show. 

The piece we're working on in the video(above) is Lapdance Romance a song off my latest album. You can stream the entire song on my website, and even purchase a copy if you like and want to continue supporting my creative endeavors.

Visit www.borg-queen-music.com for more info about my project and to get a FREE SONG!

A Matter Of Perspective

I'm slipping again it would seem, back into a very dark place. A place I have been before, but never want to go back to again. The place I'm talking about is my state of mind on the evening of November 7th, 2016.  I want to tell you about it because it's important to talk about these things and it serves as a reminder for me in the dark times that there is always a way through. Welcome to one of the darkest moments of the darkest year in the history of my life. Last year sucked. I lost my partner and best friend to addiction.  My health condition(fibromyalgia) took a turn for the worse diminishing my ability to earn money and then to top it all off I got sexually assaulted. 

My lowest point was the evening of November 7th while I was lying down on the couch in my living room alone. I was physically incapacitated, emotionally burdened and mentally drained. As I was assessing the state of my being I wondered to myself if my life had any value left. If I wasn't able to be productive and create then I would be unable to accomplish my life's purpose which is to contribute in a positive way to the betterment of society using my skills and talents.

I found the prospect of having no purpose to my life so painful that I no longer felt I could live. I started googling "painless methods of suicide." I stumbled across a website that listed various suicide methods categorizing them by level of pain, effectiveness and how long it takes to die. Right away I noticed a correlation between pain level and effectiveness. The more effective the method the more painful it was. This was disappointing news indeed. I was prepared to die, but I did not want my last moments on this earth to be full of agony.

That's when I had an epiphany. I was more afraid of pain than death. I didn't truly want to end my life, but I wanted to end my suffering, my fear, my uncertainty and hopelessness. I felt powerless under the weight of my circumstances and killing myself was a way of reclaiming that power. I felt that by taking my own life nothing or nobody else could hurt me anymore. I would never feel pain, sadness or fear. In that moment of despair I came to another realization, I was not being overwhelmed by life, but rather by my emotions. The thing about emotions though is that they are temporary, and while they influence our perception of reality, emotions are not reality. The tangible facts of a situation are reality and emotions dictate how we perceive those facts.

An analogy I like to use, is to look at facts like they're a potato and emotions like they're seasoning. A potato on it's own is bland and boring, it is the seasoning that gives it flavor. We can season a potato many ways and some flavors will make it taste appealing and other flavors will make it repulsive, but despite altering the flavor of the potato, it will still be a potato, it will still possess all the physical and nutritional properties of a potato. Emotions make our lives more interesting, but we cannot dwell on them otherwise the will distort our perception of reality.

So here I am now in a dark place. I'm sick, bed-ridden and at the mercy of fibromyalgia and a virus. My emotions are that of sadness and frustration because  I can't do anything creatively productive and I'm consumed by fear that I will not be able to earn enough money to stay afloat and put together my live show in time. If I allow myself to dwell on these emotions it will only lead to hopelessness and I will cripple myself. What I need to remind myself of is the facts. The facts are that if I give myself a couple days to recover I will have energy again and the means to continue along the path I have forged for myself. Every time I am feeling overwhelmed by my circumstances I remind myself of that dark moment in November 2016 when I was so overwhelmed by sadness and pain that I felt that I could no longer live. I remind my self of the epiphany that was revealed to me so that I can shift my perspective and ground myself in reality.

I'm sharing this incredibly personal story with you because maybe it might help you. My purpose as an artist is to share my experiences through my music and art to those who may feel isolated depressed and alone. To show solidarity to everyone that they are not alone in their struggles. To show them that despite how bleak their situation may seem, that they should never give up and become consumed by their sadness and despair. 

Emotions pass, and time heals wounds, but in the meantime how do we cope with strong emotion with out suppressing it or succumbing to the distorted thinking it tends to incite? I'm not a mental health professional, but I've struggled with mental health issues and in the treatment process have sought plenty of professional help, so the advice I'm relaying to you is me reiterating what I've been told by clinical counselors and psychologists throughout my lifetime. What I'm about to tell you is a layperson's summary of professional advice and my own personal methods of implementing the advice, it is not a substitution for seeking professional help. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, get emergency professional/medical help right away. Call 911, your local emergency number or a crisis line in your area. That being said, I hope reading this might be a helpful starting point.

Two Things I Do To Cope With Powerful Emotions

1. Acknowledge It

It's hard to do sometimes, but admitting how out of control your emotions are is the first step. You can do this by talking to someone you trust or simply acknowledging it to yourself. Saying it out loud or writing it down tends to work best for me and sometimes it becomes a song or a painting. The EP I'm currently working on called Blood, Sweat Tears is 5 songs of admitting the deepest darkest thoughts and emotions that built up over the past couple years. Admitting it all to myself while difficult was incredibly freeing. Whatever your method is, it is important to just get it out there. It's the first step to getting help. While doing this it's important not to beat yourself up. Just admit how your are feeling. Analyzing the "why" can come later.

2. Channel It Constructively

Once you start acknowledging how you feel, you tend to open up a floodgate of emotions and it needs to be channeled constructively so that you don't suppress it again or take it out on the people around you. For me personally the process of composing music and singing expends and releases all the emotional energy leaving room for rational though and allowing me to problem solve more effectively. Not everyone has a creative outlet, but physical activity even if it's just going for a walk is very effective for releasing emotional energy. Everyone is different, but after you've purged your body and mind of the overwhelming emotion it's a lot easier to focus on the facts of your situation and begin to start finding rational solutions for your problems.

Art for me has always been a constructive way of dealing with my emotions, it serves double duty in helping me both admit what I'm feeling and then channeling my energy into the creative process of painting, songwriting, singing and performing. The above painting is called The Bottom Of The Glass. It's my admission of pain, depression and despair from a time in my life when I felt trapped in the vicious substance abuse. Prints are available on my website for $20.

This is the song The Bottom Of The Glass from my new album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles. Digital copies can be purchased on my website and also iTunes.

In conclusion I just wanted to let you know that no matter how bleak things may seem, there is always hope and you are never truly alone.