Labels Are Limiting

Labels are necessary and helpful. They save us time and energy. In the information age where we can't possibly sift through all the content that crosses our path, we need to categorize, sort, label and hash tag content so that we can make a decision as to whether something is relevant and worthy of our attention. As a content creator, everything I publish is tagged with labels so it can be sorted by algorithms and distributed to the audience that will most likely give a fuck about it. While this is efficient for narrowing down a target audience, it is artistically limiting.

Why I Don't Want To Be Reduced To Just Another Goth Cliché

One of the primary labels I use is "goth." Why? Because that has been a label consistently assigned to me by others. I didn't wake up one day and decide to be goth, but I can't even count how many times people have asked me if I'm goth, to which I reply, "if that's how you see me, then to you I am goth and that's fine." However, when I look at myself as a person and an artist I'm not creating content to conform to a subculture's set of parameters by which they define themselves. That mindset goes against every shred of artistic integrity within my being! I HATE conformity, and despite how alternative a subculture may portray it's ideals to be, the very fact that it is a culture unto it's own means that people who identify as part of that culture are conforming to it.

There's a part of me that cringes every time I type #gothgirl, #goth or #gothrock on my Instagram posts, but because it makes my content more discoverable and I know that people who like other content with those labels are likely to enjoy my stuff. It does not mean that I tailor my content to fit the parameters of what is considered goth. It simply means that there are elements of my style that overlap with certain goth clichés.

Why I Have To Reduce Myself To Another Goth Cliché(kind of)

From a business marketing standpoint it would make sense to incorporate more of those clichés into my content, but then I'd be artistically limiting myself. One of the hardest things I have to do is when I'm promoting myself is define myself as an artist. I'm a rock artist, but so is Nickelback and I sound and look nothing like them. I'm technically an indie rock artist, but almost every indie rock publication that I submitted my music to for review didn't find my work to their taste because I don't sound like Arcade Fire or whatever the indie rock flavor of the moment is. There was for a moment the temptation to listen to what was getting publicity on Hype Machine and then try to pick a song of mine that sounded as close that style as possible and then make musical comparisons of my stuff to other bands that are currently popular, just so I could at least get some publicity, but then I'd REALLY be a sellout. So in order to stay true to myself and get publicity I have to find the fans of other artists who possess overlapping sonic and visual elements to mine and then label myself accordingly. In my case, being a pale, macabre artist who's biggest musical influence is Nine Inch Nails means that goth subculture is likely to embrace me.

Why I'm Not JUST A Goth Artist

I do hate to limit myself to one very niche genre though. When I set out to do my album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles, I wanted to tell a story through paintings and sound. I didn't have any pre conceived ideas of what it was going to sound like or what genre it was going to be. I wanted to create a world for my audience to experience. I wanted to draw them into the world of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles that I experienced so they could see it through my eyes and gain the insights that I did. I wanted to show people that travelling through a dark place can be an enlightening experience.

One of the publications that reviewed my album was Jamsphere and I really appreciated what they had to say because honestly I couldn't have said it better myself.

"she sounds like an artist free of any unnecessary expectations, from herself on any outside sources...From the second “This is Real” kicks off the album, you realize it doesn’t even matter if you’re not into industrial, alternative or electronic music because “Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles” really can’t be classified or labeled, in such a limiting way. It’s just amazingly composed, brooding, haunting music which takes you into another level of consciousness."(read the entire review here)

If you're curious as to what music without expectations sounds like, you can stream the entire album below and if you like it or just want to support me you can buy it on iTunes or my Official Website. Hope you enjoy!

The Art Of Sexual Assault

UPDATE January 15, 2017 

Hedonist is the victim impact statement I wrote in the form of song after the police told me that there was nothing they could do for me because they didn't have enough evidence to press charges against my assailant. Sadly, this scenario is all too common even in "progressive" western society.

A Victim Impact Statement Through Art, Music & Video

To say the past month has been rough would be a gross understatement. In a follow up to my recent post Crippling Horrible Depression where I discuss the emotional impact of my recent sexual assault, today I want to touch upon the artistic impact my sexual assaults have had. Yes, you read that correctly...assaults...as in, more than one time. In fact, I've been sexually violated in the criminal sense 6 times in the past 20 years and it does have somewhat of a cumulative effect especially considering that not once, despite filing police reports has it ever led to my assailants being brought up on charges. The disgusting reality is that each and every time, my integrity has come into question and I've been subject to victim blaming and dismissive attitudes by law enforcement and legal professionals.

In many ways being the victim of sex crimes and a failing justice system has shaped me into the type of artist that I am today. I don't paint pretty pictures or write songs about sunny days. Not that there's anything wrong with that kind of art, but if I am going to have these shitty things happen to me I at least want it to count for something. I want to draw attention through my art to social injustices. I want to empower victims to take a stand and speak up. I want young women to know that it is not their fault and it IS a big deal that someone has violated their sexual autonomy. I want comfort my fellow victims and let them know that they are not alone in their pain. I want to call out the powers that be in their failure to protect the public because they're too concerned with protecting their own interests.

In the music video We're All Whore I call out the corrupt justice system that has failed me as a victim of sexual assault time and time again.

A judge is transformed into a twisted version of Lady Justice to show that even the noblest of institution can be corrupted by money and power.

I want to educate the public about sexual assault and it's impacts on society as a whole. What most people picture when you say "sexual assault" is a woman walking alone in a dark place and all of a sudden a man with a weapon jumps out, forces her to the ground, threatens her and rapes her causing massive bodily trauma in the process. While this is a type of sexual assault specifically called aggravated rape it is hardly the most common form of sexual assault. Most sexual assaults involve someone who is already known to the victim. Most sexual assaults involve coercion and manipulation of the victim.

Not all sexual assaults are rape, but ALL sexual assaults involve a lack of consent. Of the six incidents of sexual assault happened to me 3 involved non consentual vaginal penetration but only 2 would be considered rape. Of the two times I was raped both times it was by someone I was well acquainted with. In fact one of my assailants was a domestic partner. Only 2 out of the six times I was assaulted, it was by a stranger. 3 out of the 6 times it happened was in a workplace situation. One time it was within the medical profession while I was seeking treatment for my fibromyalgia.

Each time it's happened it takes a bit to process what just happened to me. My initial reaction is that of shock, then I feel like throwing up, then I feel fear, then anger, then confusion, then disbelief until I run through the incident in my head again and realize that yes, that really did happen to me again. Then I have to decide what I'm going to do about it. Do I let it go,or do I confront my assailant, or do I report it? 4 out of the six times I reported what happened to me and 4 out of 4 times nothing happened as far as legal consequences of any kind for my assailants. Disappointed doesn't even begin to explain the tornado of emotion that has raged in me each an every time I have experienced this injustice. 

In the Hedonist music video I use surgery as a visual metaphor for sexual assault

A victim lays helpless on the operating table while the assailant cuts into her violating her physical autonomy.

The idea was to capture the impact of sexual assualt on the victim's entire being through violent imagery. I want to show the audience that "this is how it feels. You're stuck, powerless and someone has control over your body and the trauma of the event will continue to haunt your soul"

What makes the experience of being sexually assaulted and not having acknowledged and legitimzed through the criminal justice system even more infuriating is knowing that something like this has happened to every woman I know! I know the official North American statistic is that 1 in 4 women experience sexual assault, but it's gotta be higher. Either way, it's a serious social problem and it has to change! Too many of us victims don't tell anyone that it happened. Too many of us just sweep it under the rug and try to just "get on" with our lives. Too many of us feel guilt, shame and blame ourselves for what happened. Too many of us don't report it to the proper authorities or if we do, it's been such a long time that all the evidence has disappeared. Too many of us think that because we weren't "raped" that we have less of a right to feel violated.

I want to encourage other victims to talk about it, report it and even if they don't see any justice through our broken legal system to write a victim impact statement as they would do if their case actually went to court. I write my victim impact statements through my art and music. It's how I work through it. My painting, song and music video Hedonist is my victim impact statement. Through words and images I acknowledge what happened and it's profound effect on every aspect of my life and the people closest to me. Writing a victim impact statement doesn't have to be a work of art, but trust me that getting it out has been therapeutic and healing. I encourage everyone to write one no matter how long ago it happened and no matter what the legal outcome was.

Sexual assault and it's aftermath has a snowball affect on it's victims. It leads to mental health issues, which can lead to self destructive behaviour like eating disorders, self harm and substance abuse. Addiction is a massive social problem and studies of female addicts have shown that almost 100% have suffered sexual abuse. The mental health issues experienced by sexual assault victims can impede their ability to earn a living and be productive members of society. So, it's not just the victims(at least 25% of women) who suffer, but society as a whole.

The imagery in the music video Hedonist is designed to show the complexity of the relationship between sexual abuse, mental illness and addiction.

The bottom line is that if you are a victim of ANY form of sexual assault I encourage you to make as much noise about it as possible. Report it to the police. Write a victim impact statement even if it doesn't go to court. If you feel you justice wasn't served or you weren't taken seriously, go to the media. Talk to a lawyer to see what your legal options are. Fight back! Tell someone you trust. Hell! Email me about it at borgqueenmusic@gmail.com I'll listen to you, even if no one else does.

If someone close to you was sexually assaulted encourage them to do all of the above and hold their hand through it all so that they know they're not alone.

SPOILER ALERT! Preview For Hedonist Music Video Script - Part 3

Today's blog post is Part 3 of a 4 part series where I am giving you a preview of the actual script we'll be using to shoot my upcoming music video Hedonist.

Hedonist the music video has been a huge undertaking. As pleased as I am with my last music video Lapdance Romance, my goal is to make Lapdance Romance look like and idiot compared to Hedonist. Hedonist is going to have 4 sets  with separate action sequences that relate the overall concept of the song visually. I've decided to post the scripts I've written for each set in a 4 part series.

In my first post of this series I revealed the script for The Psychiatrist's Office of  the Mind's Eye. It' lays down the premise and overall concept for the video.

The the second of the sets is what I've called The Padded Cell of Hedonism. The set is where my character goes to escape the pain of being abused, and is a visual metaphor for my character's relationship with hedonism. Hedonism is portrayed as a physical being who rules the world inside the cell and ultimately seduces my character to over indulge in substance use until she becomes an addict.

The third set is called...

The Padded Cell of Terror and Art Therapy

This set is all about my character "The Patient" coming to the grim realization that she is an addict trapped in a vicious cycle of domestic abuse and substance abuse.

A digital mock up of "The Padded Cell of Terror and Art Therapy"

A test shot of the set and myself as "The Patient." 

THE PADDED CELL OF TERROR AND ART THERAPY

by JENNY KIRBY

INT: Padded Cell

A dirty worn down padded cell with a female patient curled in the fetal position unconcious in the centre wearing tattered Victorian style lingere. As she awakes from her drug induced stupor she sits up into a cross-legged position and begins to survey her surroundings. She crawls around in an attempt to understand where she is. She stands up and begins to pushes on the pads feeling them and looking for a means of escape.

Panic starts to set in as she realizes that she's trapped an there is no way out. She screams, but no one hears her. She begins to scratch herself on the face, neck and arms as she continues to search for a way out. When it becomes appearant that there is no way out, she falls to her knees and begins screaming to release the fear and rage that has overtaken her body.

She wraps her arms around herself for comfort and stares at the mutilation she's caused herself. She ponders for a moment staring at one of the scratches on her forearm. She runs the tip of her fingernail through the scratch scooping up the blood oozing out of the wound, then licks the blood off the tip of her fingernail. She impulsively bites into the top of her hand tearing a chunk of flesh away. The sensation of the pain endorphins rushing through her veins is almost orgasmic. She dips her fingernail in to the hand wound that is gushing blood and scoops out a liberal amount and begins scrawling the words, "I used to be a good girl, I used to really care" on the walls of the cell.  She continues to use her hand wound as a palette, her blood as paint and her fingernail as her brush while painting the lyrics to Hedonist as a form of art therapy.

As she's painting the last line of the song, two nurses enter. The nurses' job is to prevent the patient from expressing herself so they jump on top of her. One nurse holds the patient down as the other nurse injects the patient's neck with a sedative. The patient now catatonic and complaint allows the nurses to straight jacket her. The nurses lay her down on her back and place a metal gag into her mouth to pry it open. They want to ensure that the patient is never able to express herself again so they pour an entire bottle of liquid suspension type medication down her throat and then shove an entire bottle of pills down her throat.

The nurses satisfied that the patient is sufficiently drugged, leave the cell. The patient is left alone, straight-jacketed in the middle of the cell.

SPOILER ALERT! Preview For Hedonist Music Video Script - Part 2

Today's blog post is Part 2 of a 4 part series where I am giving you a preview of the actual script we'll be using to shoot my upcoming music video Hedonist.

Hedonist the music video has been a huge undertaking. As pleased as I am with my last music video Lapdance Romance, my goal is to make Lapdance Romance look like and idiot compared to Hedonist. Hedonist is going to have 4 sets  with separate action sequences that relate the overall concept of the song visually. I've decided to post the scripts I've written for each set in a 4 part series.

In my first post of this series I revealed the script for The Psychiatrist's Office of  the Mind's Eye. It' lays down the premise and overall concept for the video. The the second of the sets is what I've called...

The Padded Cell of Hedonism

This set is where my character "The Patient" goes to escape the pain of being abused and forms yet another abusive relationship with "Hedonism."

THE PADDED CELL OF HEDONISM

by JENNY KIRBY

Scene 1

INT: Padded Cell

A shiny red vinyl padded cell with Hedonism, a god-like figure

with glistening silver skin reclining on a chaise lounge wearing

an opulent flowing black and silver brocade silk cloak. He is

visually a combination between the Roman god of wine Bacchus and

Gary Oldman as "old Dracula" from the 1992 film Dracula with a

gothic twist.

At Hedonism's feet is a heavily tatooed shirtless slave boy

fanning him. A female slave enters with a bottle of wine on a

tray. She pours Hedonism a glass of wine and hands it to him.

Hedonism chugs back the entire glass and hands it back to the

female slave.

Hedonism claps his hands summoning two nurses each with a slave

on a leash. The nurses inject the slaves with a drug that has an

aphrodisiac effect. The slaves fall to the floor and begin making

out while Hedonism watches with a satisfied look on his face.

Scene 2

INT: Padded Cell

Hedonism reclines on his chaise lounge as he is fanned by a male

slave at his feet and fed hors d'erves by a female slave.

Hedonism is surrounded by an entourage of hedonists dancing,

drinking and making out with each other.

As his face is being stuffed with food, a female hedonist "The

Hedonist" approches him. She is dressed in what could be

described best as black shiny Victorian fetish wear. Hedonism

motions for her to sit down with him. He summons for his female

slave to bring wine. The female slave pours two glasses of wine

and hands one to Hedonism and one to The Hedonist. The Hedonist and Hedonism clink their glasses as a toast to their union.

Hedonism motions for his male slave to come over and attend to

The Hedonist's every desire. The male slave moves behind The

Hedonist and begins stroking and kissing her neck. The Hedonist

turns her face to the male slave and kisses him passionately. As

they're kissing a nurse enters and straps a collar around The

Hedonist's neck.

Scene 3

INT: Padded Cell

Nurse #1's contorted body is positioned on the chaise lounge.

Nurse #2 has The Hedonist handcuffed with a leash attached to the

collar around her neck. Nurse #2 lays out two lines of a powdered

substance on Nurse #1's contorted body. Nurse #2 snorts a line

off of Nurse #1's body and then commands The Hedonist to do a

line as well. The Hedonist complies.

Music Video Pre Production Madness(literally)

One of the benefits and pitfalls of being an indie, diy musician or whatever they're calling it these days is that you get to do pretty much everything yourself. It's a huge workload and things tend to move slowly, but the work itself is rewarding in a way that I can't even adequately describe with words. I'm a multimedia artist and for me the most fun thing I get to do as a musician is make music videos! I get to use literally every artistic and technical discipline I've ever studied or worked in professionally.

Here's a little step by step visual synopsis of what I've done so far production designwise for one of the scenes for my music video Hedonist.

1. First I needed to design the set.

The concept behind this padded cell is that it is a metaphor for the insanity of addiction which is one of the central themes of the song. The insane subject scrawling the lyrics of the song in blood on the walls of the padded cell is a visual representation of my addict brain feeling trapped, isolated and overwhelmed by the world I created for myself through drug and alcohol abuse.

2. Then I had to make the set(this process almost drove ME insane)

This was a multi step process which involved me having to scavenge bike shop recycling bins for enough cardboard to make the backer pieces for 104 cell pads.

 Did I mention that I had to make 104 padded squares?!?! I had to cut 104  21" x 21" squares of card board, then 104 squares of quilt batting, THEN 104 squares of fabric to cover them with

             

 There was glue gunning and a lot of burned finger tips in the assembly process. After making 104 of these damn cell pads I had to apply layers of "grunge" to make them appear weathered, soiled and old. I used a powdered temepera paint to create a worn effect with layers of dust, mildew, hand prints and oxidation.

3. Costumes!!!!

Ever since I was a child, I have loved playing dress-up. Now I get to do it professionally so this is a dream come true. For this particular scene in the music video there is myself dressed as a disgraced Victorian mental patient and some nurses who symbolize the drugs themselves.

Making my Victorian underwear involved not only sewing it, but also adding a layer of "grunge" to match the filthy aesthetic of the padded cell. To keep the color palette consistent I used the same tempera paint to dirty up my lingerie as seen below.

                  

4. Hair, Make-Up and SFX

For the hair I thought it'd be fun to make and install some synthetic dreads as I figured my character would have been locked away for some time and not have access to a hair brush.

 We experimented with a few make-up looks, but finally decided on a combination of what we played around with. 

 

I also made some long fake dirty fingernails to add to the overall effect and also because there will be some close ups of my hands as I bite a wound into my hand and they scrawl bloody lyrics all over the walls.

5. The Test Shoot!!!

If you've managed to read this far down then congratulations because these are the real money shots from the test shoot where we played with some lighting and visual concepts. The hard work is really paying off and I'm very proud of what we've come up with. So enjoy the fruits of our labor so far!

Fuck Traditional Motherhood!

"So what if I make music with strong language? So what if my music videos have nudity? So what if I've taken my clothes off  for money? None of these things a even remotely a factor in my relationship with my sons."


I'm a mom. I have 2 boys who I don't view as extensions of myself, but rather 2 people who I am responsible for mentoring and providing for their basic needs. Being a mom is not a job, career or occupation, for me it's a relationship. Relationships are as unique as the people involved and I personally think that when it comes to relationships nobody has the right to judge someone else's relationship.

I'm speaking from a very personal place right now because there is a woman who cyber stalks me routinely(once a month I am told) because she wants to ensure that I'm not doing anything that is inappropriate as a mother. She has been critical of my relationship with my son(s) for 6 years now and as much as I wish she would F.O.D. as Green Day so eloquently put it in their song F.O.D. from their album Dookie, I beginning to think that it's just wishful thinking on my part.

So what if I make music with strong language?
So what if my music videos have nudity?
So what if I've taken my clothes off  for money?

None of these things a even remotely a factor in my relationships with my sons. I'm not going to justify my "mommy-ness" by posting about all the shit I do that makes me look like a good mom, and believe me there's a lot of it. Why? Honestly because my relationship with my sons are sacred and private.

I'm an artist and a mom, but I was an artist first, so that's why I'm going to continue make art how I see fit and the people who deem it's inappropriate for me to make the art that I do just because miniature humans have slipped out of my vagina can suck my metaphorical dick. That is all.

Now enjoy these deliciously inappropriate stills of me from my last music video Lapdance Romance.

Let's Talk About Sex

"Call me crazy but I have about as much interest in fucking a selfish misogynist as I do listening to selfish misogynist bragging about how much pussy he gets over a loop of plagiarized musi...oops, I mean a sample."

Honestly I really don't know what to write about today, so I'm just going to write about what's on my mind 99% of the day - SEX.  I'm in one of "those" moods where I am on the cusp of just blurting out all my super personal dirty laundry for the world to see. My mother says I lack discretion. Her thought process behind all this is that I write songs that are too "sexually explicit" and reveal too much of my body in music videos. I feel kind of bad for saying this because my mother is a sweet old woman, but her concerns are completely laughable. She has NO clue about what kind of content other artists put out. She's incredibly sheltered and naive and has obviously never heard Closer by Nine Inch Nails.

That's me covered in oil & uv ink getting down and dirty with my co-star in Lapdance Romance

I on the other hand embrace my sexuality and love expressing it artistically. I mean, who doesn't like
a good fuck? I know I do. If one can translate the experience of a hard, sweaty, dirty lay through an artistic medium than I say, "LETS DO IT!" I think the reason so much music out there is about sex is because sex is relateable. Everyone on this earth at some point is going to engage in some kind of sex act(masturbation counts).

Every genre of music has sex songs. They focus of sex tends to vary by genre, and I think what type of musical genre a person is drawn to reveals quite a bit about them sexually. I know it does in my case.

For example country and R&B tend focus on "making love." Personally that term makes me a little queasy so I kinda throw up in my mouth a little if someone refers to sex as "making love." I'ts just too sweet and sappy for my appetite. It's no surprise that both of those genres don't appeal to me at all.

Punk music on the other hand has a lot of masturbation references. Which makes sense if you think about it, because punk music is tends to be juvenile and simplistic, and lets face it, most of the sex you have as a juvenile is going to be with yourself and it doesn't get any simpler than that. On a side note, I'm a pretty big fan of punk music. *wink wink*

Pop music sex references tend to be pretty vanilla and generic much like the genre itself. The references are there but they're tired and overused. Again, just like everything within the pop genre. Not a huge fan of pop.

Rap/Hip Hop or what ever the fuck it's called these days is the one that actually irks me the most on a sexual level. Having worked in strip clubs I've been subjected to a lot of this particular genre. If a rap song isn't about money, drugs or "thug life" then it's gonna be about sex. I don't know what it is about these artists, but I were to use lyrics as an indicator of their sexual ability I'd have to say that these guys don't know how to fuck at all. Most of the time the song is about some dude talking about how feels like some "bitch" should be sucking his dick and then how she's such a "ho" for doing it. Call me crazy but I have about as much interest in fucking a selfish misogynist as I do listening to selfish misogynist bragging about how much pussy he gets over a loop of plagiarized musi...oops, I mean a sample.

I'm not gonna go through every genre of music, but I am going to end off with my genre. I'm an artist of the goth/electro/industrial variety. The sex songs are dark, psychologically driven, explicit at times and tend to be of the kinkier variety. Which pretty much sums me up. But I'll let you be the judge. My music video Lapdance Romance is a toned down version of my animistic side. Enjoy!