A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 4 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is my personal favorite-HEDONIST.

HEDONIST

Hedonist is the fourth piece in the series and is visually and sonically the darkest. The preceding song Little Miss Liquid Courage is a satirical dig at mainstream beauty ideals and while light and pop sounding it hints at something much darker hiding beneath the surface. Hedonist is the revealation of the darkness, pain and dysfunction that I was dealing with at the time by self medicating with various hedonistic vices.

"I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck and snort the pain away"

Hedonist is about 2 abusive relationships that I was in at the time. The first being with myself and the second one was with my husband at the time. In retrospect I know that I attracted a person who was abusive to me because I was abusing myself. I firmly believe that we attract people who are in a similar head space to ourselves. The song is written in the past tense and I wrote it years after the abusive events had occurred as a victim impact statement so I could finally have some closure. I explore the victim impact statement aspect of Hedonist in what is my most popular post by far, The Art Of Sexual Assault.

SYMBOLS

The Suspended Vodka Bottle: It's suspended like and IV indicating that it is being ingested medicinally vs. recreationally

The Female Subject: She's completely dark and has her arms and legs amputated to symbolize that she's a victim of domestic violence.

The Demonic Hands: The demonic hands are the demons and vices that continue to trap the subject in her vicious cycle of abuse. They clutch on to her chest to show that they have a grip on her heart.

The Blood: I use blood as a paradoxical symbol within my work. Blood is life, but it is also death. The blood in this painting is the life draining out of the victim. Notice how her eyes are partially open to indicate that she is conscious of her situation. The blood from her body is also being drained by the tubes attached to her arm and leg stumps. Her very life essence is being sucked out of her.

The "Egg" Incubator: The tubes leading out of the victim are serving a purpose and that is facilitating the growth of her alter ego. If you've experienced addiction personally or have someone close to you who suffers from it, then you know how it transforms a person into a "shadow version" of themselves.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

My intent when writing this song was to tell a story in three different voices. My Preferred Self is the narrator refelcting upon the events that took place. My Shadow Self sings the chorus and My Broken Soul sings the bridge and reveals the depth of despair to which I sank and why I got there. It's a complex song with layers of sound and depth of emotion ranging from sexual euphoria to suicidal depression. This my favorite song on the album and can be purchased as a single or part of the album on my WEBSITE 

Hedonist

I use to be a good girl
I used to really care
But when you came along
Then I began to disappear
Since you think you're God
Then create someone new
Someone better than me
That'll serve only you

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x3
To numb me to you

You got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause you got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away

I must confess that I love the drugs
And I like to fuck, and I don't care who
And that my darling is why I love you

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x3
To numb me to you

You got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause you got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away

I can't take this anymore
There's nothing strong enough to numb me
I'm your whore
You've imprisoned me
In your web of lies
You struck my body
When I carried your child
You violate what's left of me
In every way
So I poison myself
To keep your assaults at bay
But these wounds you inflict
Are bleeding out as I pray
While I still drink dance fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause there's a hole deep inside me
That you RAPE everyday
So I'll just drink, dance fuck
and snort the pain away

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x7
To numb me to you 

BUY HEDONIST

Triple Threatin' It

I am now officially a triple threat, and here's the evidence. Of course, I can't take all the credit. The concept was Arcelia Ocana's, the director who hired me for her project "Mime Love."

This project originated when I asked her if she'd be interested in making a music video for my song "The Bottom Of The Glass." I sent her the painting and the song with a brief explanation about the song being about my addiction to alcohol. I guess it inspired her. She had a green screen project that she had to do for school and she wanted to use my story, my art, my music and my services as an actor. Of course, I'm not one to shun the spotlight so I said yes.

"Are You Real" is the official title of the video, and it features two of my songs, "It's Over" and "The Bottom Of The Glass." The background is green screened and flashes several images of my paintings for my Borg Queen music and visual art project Sex, Drugs, & Shiny Brass Poles. This video is really the true story behind the inspiration for starting Borg Queen and my concept for Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.

I wanted to do something where I could utilize all of my artistic skills, so I decided that I would make a series of paintings, and write a song for each painting. My eventual goal is to do a tour with theatre style rock opera performance for Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles, but I don't want to get too ahead of myself right now. I still have to finish painting and songwriting first. I've learned to apply the lessons in my recovery from alcoholism to my creative process. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Focus & Projects On The Go

I just realized that I needed to give this little blog more of a specific focus. Mostly this is just a way to be more accountable to myself and track my progress.

I guess the first thing on the agenda would be to introduce myself. I am a visual artist, actor, dancer, singer/songwriter & musician. I recently took a medical leave of absence from my day job as an interior designer due to a recently developed neurological condition. So now that I'm not tied down to the daily grind of 9-5 I'll have a lot more time on my hands to persue my artistic goals in acting, music and art.

I'll be posting my progress in each one of my artistic endeavors regularly in this blog.

ACTING

Currently, I'm in the process of putting together a headshot/resume/demo package to send out to principal agents for TV, film and voice acting work. Part of this little arrangement is that I've agreed to paint a mural in exchange for acting classes and a voiceover demo. So far I have the head shots done and I've been in classes regularly since August 2009, plus I've done most of my voices for the voiceover demo. I still have a lot of work to do, like paint the mural for payment of my classes, record an on camera demo, and put together a resume. I'm hoping that in the next couple of weeks I'll be able to get all of this done.

MUSIC & ART - BORG QUEEN

"Borg Queen" is an integrated musical & visual art project that I'm working on. My goal with this is to combine all of my talents into one project. I have a series of paintings I'm working on under the central theme of SEX, DRUGS & SHINY BRASS POLES, and I'm in the process of writing a song for each one. This is somewhat of a concept album/piece. It's about the life of a young woman who falls into addiction and gets swept up in the simultaneously appealing & repelling world of exotic entertainment. It's based upon my own personal experiences in the exotic entertainment industry. It chronicles my struggles with alcoholism, my recovery and sober life afterward in the most unlikely of places - a strip club.

These are the paintings I've completed so far:

SEX, DRUGS & SHINY BRASS POLES

THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

IT'S OVER

MY RESURRECTION

I've also set up a You Tube channel for this project at http://www.youtube.com/user/BorgQueenMusic

I also have a facebook fan page for Borg Queen at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Borg-Queen-Music-Art-by-Jenny-Kirby/114645538575430

I'll be posting my songs there as I complete them.

Well that's it for now. It's time to start my day, get dressed, walk my dogs & start recording some vocals for my next song. Stay tuned.