Mental Health Matters

My 2nd cousin died from an overdose a couple days ago. It's affected me in a very profound way even though I barely knew him. In fact, the last time I saw him was at his brother's memorial service 11 years ago. His brother incidentally died from an alcohol related accident. I'm extremely sad for their parents who have now lost two of their children, but I'm also angry. I'm angry because of the way we as a society stigmatize and treat people who abuse substances. We shame them. We blame them. We tell them things like "you're strong" and "you got this" and it's not helpful. If they were strong and could cope with their issues, they wouldn't be self-medicating.

Substance abuse and self-medication are a symptom of unchecked mental issues, and mental health is not just an issue for those who suffer from it's various conditions. It affects everyone. In a way, poor mental health is contagious. Being close to someone who suffers from poor mental health will eventually take it's toll on everyone around them. In my life right now the 5 people closest to me(including myself) are suffering from mental health issues. I know there's at least one person in your life that's dealing with something too. It may even be you.

"Mental health is a personal, relationship, family and community issue"

Personal

I have battled depression since childhood. The war against depression is not over, but I'm still here, so it means that I've won every battle so far. At least that's the way I like to look at it. So, if you're reading this and you suffer from a mental health condition it means that you're a warrior. I can tell you from personal experience that it's a lot more effective to fight a mental health battle with an army. If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health condition I strongly suggest seeking professional help. It may be one professional like a counselor or a team that includes a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist and/or social worker too. These professionals are experts in the field of 'broken people.' If your car is broken, you take it to a mechanic, right? You probably wouldn't just let it sit there and complain about it on Facebook. Well, maybe you would, but it wouldn't fix the car. The point is, seeking professional help is the first step to getting healthy.

I can also tell you from personal experience that multiple weapons for combating mental illness have more success in the long term than a singular approach. Medication may be helpful to balance brain chemistry, but so is regular exercise and proper nutrition. Relaxation techniques like yoga, deep breathing and meditation combat the physical effects of stress that aggravate mental illness. Having an emotional outlet is really important too. This could be talking to someone you trust or writing your thoughts feelings down. It's important to get them out. Personally, I see a counselor and I channel my demons into music and art. What I've learned over the years that I've had to fight my depression is the more weapons in my arsenal, the more successful I am.

Relationships

Relationship breakdowns usually involve mental health issues. It may be one or both parties. Any relationship I've had that's gone horribly wrong whether it be friendship, romantic or even business, poor mental health has played the biggest role. The thing about relationships is that they involve 2 parties and not just one, so even if one party is taking care of their mental health the relationship will still be toxic if the other party has unchecked mental health issues. 

The thing to remember about any relationship is that you are only responsible for yourself. If the other person in the relationship isn't taking responsibility for their own mental health, it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship and put some boundaries in place to preserve your own mental health. Putting up boundaries is hard. Sometimes it means limiting or cutting off contact with a person you love deeply until they decide to seek help.The old saying is true, "When you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go."

Family

Is there anything more complicated than family relationships? Not in my experience. There's the hereditary component. Conditions like bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia are genetic. There's also the fact that these people influenced you in your formative years. They're largely responsible for the state of your mental health. That being said, they are not responsible for your behavior. That's on you. 

If a child grows up in an environment with caregivers who suffer from mental health issues, that child will grow into an adult with mental health issues. I love my parents and in general they were good people who had my best interests at heart, but they had their own set of mental health problems. I grew up in the 80's and 90's. Back then having "mental health issues" meant that you were institutionalized. There wasn't the level of awareness that there is now. 

Familial roles were also more rigid back then. Men were supposed to be strong, women were supposed to be supportive and children were supposed to remain quiet. This meant that men couldn't ask for help because they would be considered weak. Women were expected to put up with all kinds of bullshit at the expense of their sanity and self preservation. Because the parents remained silent, kids grew up with the idea that their parents wouldn't understand what they were going through. Everyone suffered in silence.

Times have changed thankfully. Many of us kids who were afraid to talk to our parents now have a much more open line of communication with our kids. It's important for a kid to have a "safe adult" to talk to. If a child opens up to you about something they did or how they feel, the best thing you can do is listen without judgement.

Community

There needs to be more resources within communities to support people struggling with their mental health. Mental health education from early childhood should be mandatory in school curriculum. We need to elect governments on every level that recognize this. If you're able to do so, make charitable a donation to a reputable non-profit society that offers mental health support and services. Finally, as individuals with in a community we need to stop judging each other. Every single one of us is going to be affected by mental health issues in our life time. Self-medication isn't just drug and alcohol use. Medication, can be food, sex, entertainment, spirituality, exercise, work etc. None of these "medications" are unhealthy on their own. In moderation they contribute to mental wellness. The thing to remember is the difference between medicine and poison is in the dose.

I know this post wasn't directly about my art, but as an artist my subject matter is inspired by mental health issues. I believe strongly that it's important to have a conversation with my audience about these struggles that we all face, so we don't have to face them alone.

Finding Purpose

If you read my last post I mentioned that I felt compelled to make a booklet of my art and lyrics from Sex Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles to give as a gift to the women I've shared the stage with over the years to give some higher purpose to my art and the relationships I formed in the exotic entertainment industry. I wrote a dedication to my stripper sisters in the hopes that my experience in the industry plus my personal struggles with addiction and mental illness could serve as a reminder of hope in dark times. You can download a pdf copy of the booklet below or read the dedication in my last post

click to download pdf

Over the past few days I distributed the booklet and the response far exceeded my expectations. One woman sent me this that has really stuck with me over the past few days.

What resonated was she thanked me for giving purpose to what we do. It may seem odd think that there's a purpose to being a stripper other than making money, but there can be a purpose to any experience if we see our lives as purposeful. Every experience whether good or bad has purpose. Even the so-called bad things, poor choices and challenges can be turned into something positive. Difficult times can ultimately make us stronger, wiser and more compassionate if we choose to look outward rather than inward. If we choose learn from hard times, we can implement that knowledge to better ourselves and ultimately the world around us.

I truly believe that our time here on this planet can serve a greater purpose than perpetuating the cycle of acquiring material wealth, procreating and passing on our material assets to the next generation. I believe that every person has value and that value is not determined by their income potential, but rather who they are and what makes them unique.

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 6 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is My Resurrection

MY RESURRECTION

The first 5 songs are written from the perspective of an addict. My Resurrection is the 6th piece in the series and the first song that's written from a sober point of view. It's a transitional point in my life where I made a conscious decision to live again. I was afraid to face my life because it sucked. Some of the suckage was self inflicted, but a lot of it was other people's behavior that I was subject to and had no control over.

Change is scary and making the decision to change patterns of behavior and following through with the changes takes a lot of courage. Facing inner demons and accepting our darkness and brokenness is the first step to moving back into life. My Resurrection is about taking that first step and shedding light on the darkness within and acknowledging dysfunction so that the healing process can begin.

Sonically speaking the song starts out very dark with layers of screeching demons in the intro indicating the depth of hell I was stuck in and then progressively moves to a haunting piano line with melancholy self reflection and finally transitions on to a triumphant ending repeating the line,

"Death no longer can hold me, you no longer control me"

SYMBOLS

Blood: Blood is one of those paradoxical symbols. It represents life and also death. My Resurrection is all about the transition from death to life and if there is a moral of this story it is that there cannot be new life without the death of the old one.

The Wine Glass: This one has a double meaning as well. The wine glass represents the addiction, but did you know that the wine glass also is a symbol of divine healing? It's one of the reasons why Christians drink wine as part of the Eucharist or Communion ceremony. The first Communion was literally Jesus and his friends sharing a meal and a glass of wine before Jesus was executed. It's was a symbol of intimacy that signified a relationship to the divine. In a broader non-religious context "the divine" can be the ideal version of ourselves, who we can become if we let go of the past and allow our shadow selves to die. 

The Female Subject: It's not an angel. It's my spirit emerging from the darkness and into the light. Taking the first step into becoming a better version of myself. Coming out of the wine glass which represents addiction, but also travelling through the wine glass which represents healing. Another way to look at it is that the liquid inside the glass isn't wine. It's blood. Blood that represents the death of my shadow self, but also the birth of my preferred self. Birth by the way is a very bloody process.

You might have noticed that the figure is missing arms and legs. Well that's to show that she's broken and imperfect, but despite the brokenness, she can still triumph over adversity. We don't need to be perfect to be the best version of ourselves, after all we're only human.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

The song could best be described as cinematic progressive goth rock. It tells a story of the transition from death to life. The song can be purchased as part of the album or as a single on my WEBSITE  

For a limited time let's say until midnight on April 29th, I will make My Resurrection available as a FREE DOWNLOAD

My Resurrection

I don’t know what happened
But I must have cracked a mirror
Seven years in Hell with you has somehow brought me here
Staring at the cup that I used to share with you
I could drown myself again, but instead I’m breaking through

I fell for your seduction
I fell down, down, down
You lead me through the gates of Hell
I drown, drown, drown
But I look up just long enough that I can see
There is another way and I choose to live today

Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me

You don’t control me x 6
(You don’t control me) x 4

Laying in this dormant state
I begin to contemplate
Time was ticking, passing by
And here I was about to die
You were winning holding me
But now you’ve lost to destiny

Because my resurrection
Is leading me to insurrection
Now I’m free, free, free
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me

Because my resurrection
Is leading me to insurrection
Now I’m free, free, free
Death no longer can hold me(You don’t control me)
You no longer control me(You don’t control me)
Death no longer can hold me(You don’t control me)
You no longer control me(You don’t control me)
Because my resurrection
Is leading me to insurrection
Now I’m free

Get My Resurrection for FREE!!!

offer expires April 29th, 2017

Embed for My Resurrection

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 5 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is my musical equivalent of Nine Inch Nails' Hurt(famously covered by Johnny Cash)...The Bottom Of The Glass.

THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

The Bottom Of The Glass is the 5th piece in the series and is about hitting rock bottom. The preceding song Hedonist is the in your face revelation of the domestic abuse, pain and dysfunction that I was dealing with at the time by self medicating with drugs and alcohol abuse. The final line of Hedonist

"I need an anesthetic, to numb me to you"

is very purposefully blended in the lyrical sense to the opening line of The Bottom Of The Glass,

"With the last drop of anesthetic I swallow, I see the bottom of the glass"

I wanted to show the relationship between the two songs by reiterating the concept of an anesthetic being used as a form of escapism from a horrific life situation involving domestic violence. The Bottom Of The Glass is the realization that in the process of self medication I was actually killing myself and needed help. At the end of the song is my cry for help...

"Save me from myself, my life, this world of glass, let me have another day outside the glass"

SYMBOLS

The Empty Glass: Empty like my soul, when I hit rock bottom. Transparent, because I was finally being honest with myself as to why I was such a hedonist. The opening of the glass is also not visible to indicate that the subject cannot see a way out of her prison.

The Female Subject: Naked with only her own arms to hold her, cold and alone. Her eyes are closed, meditative and contemplating her fate.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

The song is atmospheric with layers and textures painting a picture with sound. The intent was to create a hauntingly sad song conveying the despair and depression I was experiencing while coming to terms with the magnitude of a mess I had created for myself. The song can be purchased as part of the ablum or as a single on my WEBSITE 

The Bottom Of The Glass

With the last drop of anesthetic I swallow 
I see the bottom of the glass 
I've drowned my pain and killed my joy 
I poured out my soul 
There's nothing left 
I've become this vessel I'm hollow 

There is no tomorrow can't see my past 
I fell into the bottom of the glass 
The party's over, everyone's gone 
I am trapped inside 
No where to go 
Inside this place I'm fading fast 

Death greets me but I don't want to follow 
The end is at the bottom of the glass 

I can't stop drowning myself in this hell I created 
This is no way to live, but I'm not ready to die 
I don't want to die, but I'm killing myself 
I can't face what I've become so I just numb the world away 

I try to look up and see a way out 
Life's still a dim prospect 
With nobody to help me from out of my cage 
I've fallen again 
With each sip I take I throw myself away x4 

I'm waste inside the bottom of the glass 
Will I ever see the light again 
Save me from myself, my life this world of glass 
Let me have another day outside this glass

BUY THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 4 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is my personal favorite-HEDONIST.

HEDONIST

Hedonist is the fourth piece in the series and is visually and sonically the darkest. The preceding song Little Miss Liquid Courage is a satirical dig at mainstream beauty ideals and while light and pop sounding it hints at something much darker hiding beneath the surface. Hedonist is the revealation of the darkness, pain and dysfunction that I was dealing with at the time by self medicating with various hedonistic vices.

"I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck and snort the pain away"

Hedonist is about 2 abusive relationships that I was in at the time. The first being with myself and the second one was with my husband at the time. In retrospect I know that I attracted a person who was abusive to me because I was abusing myself. I firmly believe that we attract people who are in a similar head space to ourselves. The song is written in the past tense and I wrote it years after the abusive events had occurred as a victim impact statement so I could finally have some closure. I explore the victim impact statement aspect of Hedonist in what is my most popular post by far, The Art Of Sexual Assault.

SYMBOLS

The Suspended Vodka Bottle: It's suspended like and IV indicating that it is being ingested medicinally vs. recreationally

The Female Subject: She's completely dark and has her arms and legs amputated to symbolize that she's a victim of domestic violence.

The Demonic Hands: The demonic hands are the demons and vices that continue to trap the subject in her vicious cycle of abuse. They clutch on to her chest to show that they have a grip on her heart.

The Blood: I use blood as a paradoxical symbol within my work. Blood is life, but it is also death. The blood in this painting is the life draining out of the victim. Notice how her eyes are partially open to indicate that she is conscious of her situation. The blood from her body is also being drained by the tubes attached to her arm and leg stumps. Her very life essence is being sucked out of her.

The "Egg" Incubator: The tubes leading out of the victim are serving a purpose and that is facilitating the growth of her alter ego. If you've experienced addiction personally or have someone close to you who suffers from it, then you know how it transforms a person into a "shadow version" of themselves.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

My intent when writing this song was to tell a story in three different voices. My Preferred Self is the narrator refelcting upon the events that took place. My Shadow Self sings the chorus and My Broken Soul sings the bridge and reveals the depth of despair to which I sank and why I got there. It's a complex song with layers of sound and depth of emotion ranging from sexual euphoria to suicidal depression. This my favorite song on the album and can be purchased as a single or part of the album on my WEBSITE 

Hedonist

I use to be a good girl
I used to really care
But when you came along
Then I began to disappear
Since you think you're God
Then create someone new
Someone better than me
That'll serve only you

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x3
To numb me to you

You got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause you got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away

I must confess that I love the drugs
And I like to fuck, and I don't care who
And that my darling is why I love you

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x3
To numb me to you

You got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause you got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away

I can't take this anymore
There's nothing strong enough to numb me
I'm your whore
You've imprisoned me
In your web of lies
You struck my body
When I carried your child
You violate what's left of me
In every way
So I poison myself
To keep your assaults at bay
But these wounds you inflict
Are bleeding out as I pray
While I still drink dance fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause there's a hole deep inside me
That you RAPE everyday
So I'll just drink, dance fuck
and snort the pain away

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x7
To numb me to you 

BUY HEDONIST

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 2 of 10

OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is the title track/painting Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles.

SEX, DRUGS AND SHINY BRASS POLES

Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is the second piece in the series and is a continuation of the story. This Is Real, the first painting in the series focuses on the pressures one experiences when entering adulthood, particularly the role finances(or lack there of) play in our emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. In This Is Real the protagonist has become blinded by the pursuit of wealth because she sees money as the solution to her problems.

Both the paintings and the songs blend conceptually into each other as well as sonically. When you listen to the album in it's entirety on CD one song flows into the next. I did this on purpose because the storyline of each piece is tied to the one before and after it. Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is the appearant solution to the problem presented in This Is Real. However, the financial solution presented in SDSBP begins to create a whole new set of problems for the protagonist. She becomes consumed by her environment, and what she thought was her salvation has become her prison.

Don't get me wrong, I really like strip clubs and my intention was not to cast a negative light on strip clubs in particular, but rather on the hollow pursuit of material wealth. The protagonist could have just as well chosen any other profession and become consumed by her environment and lost her identity and sense of purpose.

SYMBOLS

Every symbol within this painting is tied to the idea of forming a symbiotic relationship with the strip club environment. The subjects are no longer autonomous individuals and have been transformed into creatures attached to the poles. I exaggerated the breasts and buttocks in a fetishistic way to show that these women are no longer viewed as "real people" but are simple the sum of ideal feminine characteristics.

The colors and lighting are all about creating a mood. If you've ever set foot into a strip club, you'll have noticed that the lighting really sets the mood and while your eyes may be feasting on flesh it is never truly the color of natural skin, so that's why my three subjects are not flesh tone. I also wanted portray them as skeletal to show that they have been reduced to nothing but flesh and bone.

Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

The arrangement of the subjects is akin to the traditional crucifixion scene with the center subject sacrificing herself for money. The woman on the left snorting the cocaine is caught in the endless cycle of addiction. I painted her body into a contorted loop with her foot stepping on her own head to show that addiction is a cycle as well as something that is self-imposed. The woman on the right has lost her identity as a result of her addiction and has become the physical manifestation of alcoholism. I painted this particular figure to represent myself. The blood pouring out of the bottle attached to her arm is symbolizes me pouring my soul out on to the stage. This is one of those double meaning images I like to use. Pouring out my soul into stage performances is both comforting, but also draining. It kept me sane, but also left me empty because it never seemed like it was enough.

LYRICS & MUSIC

The song can be purchased as a single or part of the album on my WEBSITE

Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles

We're oh so pretty
We're young and we're bold
We're oh so pretty
And we'll never grow old
We're oh so pretty x4

Welcome to the room where no one grows old
A shining new world awaits
There’s no cover charge
You pay with your soul
The glamour of seduction will swallow you whole
(We’re oh so pretty)
Welcome to the room where no one grows old
A shining new world awaits
There’s no cover charge
You pay with your soul
The glamour of seduction will swallow you whole

Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down
Into the hole

Your hollow existence will finally be filled
You’ve got money and acclaim
While they keep throwing you more bills

Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down
Into the hole
(We’re oh so pretty)
Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow

Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow
Sorrow, sorrow, sorrow

Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down x3
Into the hole

Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow

Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow 

The Art Of Sexual Assault

UPDATE January 15, 2017 

Hedonist is the victim impact statement I wrote in the form of song after the police told me that there was nothing they could do for me because they didn't have enough evidence to press charges against my assailant. Sadly, this scenario is all too common even in "progressive" western society.

A Victim Impact Statement Through Art, Music & Video

To say the past month has been rough would be a gross understatement. In a follow up to my recent post Crippling Horrible Depression where I discuss the emotional impact of my recent sexual assault, today I want to touch upon the artistic impact my sexual assaults have had. Yes, you read that correctly...assaults...as in, more than one time. In fact, I've been sexually violated in the criminal sense 6 times in the past 20 years and it does have somewhat of a cumulative effect especially considering that not once, despite filing police reports has it ever led to my assailants being brought up on charges. The disgusting reality is that each and every time, my integrity has come into question and I've been subject to victim blaming and dismissive attitudes by law enforcement and legal professionals.

In many ways being the victim of sex crimes and a failing justice system has shaped me into the type of artist that I am today. I don't paint pretty pictures or write songs about sunny days. Not that there's anything wrong with that kind of art, but if I am going to have these shitty things happen to me I at least want it to count for something. I want to draw attention through my art to social injustices. I want to empower victims to take a stand and speak up. I want young women to know that it is not their fault and it IS a big deal that someone has violated their sexual autonomy. I want comfort my fellow victims and let them know that they are not alone in their pain. I want to call out the powers that be in their failure to protect the public because they're too concerned with protecting their own interests.

In the music video We're All Whore I call out the corrupt justice system that has failed me as a victim of sexual assault time and time again.

A judge is transformed into a twisted version of Lady Justice to show that even the noblest of institution can be corrupted by money and power.

I want to educate the public about sexual assault and it's impacts on society as a whole. What most people picture when you say "sexual assault" is a woman walking alone in a dark place and all of a sudden a man with a weapon jumps out, forces her to the ground, threatens her and rapes her causing massive bodily trauma in the process. While this is a type of sexual assault specifically called aggravated rape it is hardly the most common form of sexual assault. Most sexual assaults involve someone who is already known to the victim. Most sexual assaults involve coercion and manipulation of the victim.

Not all sexual assaults are rape, but ALL sexual assaults involve a lack of consent. Of the six incidents of sexual assault happened to me 3 involved non consentual vaginal penetration but only 2 would be considered rape. Of the two times I was raped both times it was by someone I was well acquainted with. In fact one of my assailants was a domestic partner. Only 2 out of the six times I was assaulted, it was by a stranger. 3 out of the 6 times it happened was in a workplace situation. One time it was within the medical profession while I was seeking treatment for my fibromyalgia.

Each time it's happened it takes a bit to process what just happened to me. My initial reaction is that of shock, then I feel like throwing up, then I feel fear, then anger, then confusion, then disbelief until I run through the incident in my head again and realize that yes, that really did happen to me again. Then I have to decide what I'm going to do about it. Do I let it go,or do I confront my assailant, or do I report it? 4 out of the six times I reported what happened to me and 4 out of 4 times nothing happened as far as legal consequences of any kind for my assailants. Disappointed doesn't even begin to explain the tornado of emotion that has raged in me each an every time I have experienced this injustice. 

In the Hedonist music video I use surgery as a visual metaphor for sexual assault

A victim lays helpless on the operating table while the assailant cuts into her violating her physical autonomy.

The idea was to capture the impact of sexual assualt on the victim's entire being through violent imagery. I want to show the audience that "this is how it feels. You're stuck, powerless and someone has control over your body and the trauma of the event will continue to haunt your soul"

What makes the experience of being sexually assaulted and not having acknowledged and legitimzed through the criminal justice system even more infuriating is knowing that something like this has happened to every woman I know! I know the official North American statistic is that 1 in 4 women experience sexual assault, but it's gotta be higher. Either way, it's a serious social problem and it has to change! Too many of us victims don't tell anyone that it happened. Too many of us just sweep it under the rug and try to just "get on" with our lives. Too many of us feel guilt, shame and blame ourselves for what happened. Too many of us don't report it to the proper authorities or if we do, it's been such a long time that all the evidence has disappeared. Too many of us think that because we weren't "raped" that we have less of a right to feel violated.

I want to encourage other victims to talk about it, report it and even if they don't see any justice through our broken legal system to write a victim impact statement as they would do if their case actually went to court. I write my victim impact statements through my art and music. It's how I work through it. My painting, song and music video Hedonist is my victim impact statement. Through words and images I acknowledge what happened and it's profound effect on every aspect of my life and the people closest to me. Writing a victim impact statement doesn't have to be a work of art, but trust me that getting it out has been therapeutic and healing. I encourage everyone to write one no matter how long ago it happened and no matter what the legal outcome was.

Sexual assault and it's aftermath has a snowball affect on it's victims. It leads to mental health issues, which can lead to self destructive behaviour like eating disorders, self harm and substance abuse. Addiction is a massive social problem and studies of female addicts have shown that almost 100% have suffered sexual abuse. The mental health issues experienced by sexual assault victims can impede their ability to earn a living and be productive members of society. So, it's not just the victims(at least 25% of women) who suffer, but society as a whole.

The imagery in the music video Hedonist is designed to show the complexity of the relationship between sexual abuse, mental illness and addiction.

The bottom line is that if you are a victim of ANY form of sexual assault I encourage you to make as much noise about it as possible. Report it to the police. Write a victim impact statement even if it doesn't go to court. If you feel you justice wasn't served or you weren't taken seriously, go to the media. Talk to a lawyer to see what your legal options are. Fight back! Tell someone you trust. Hell! Email me about it at borgqueenmusic@gmail.com I'll listen to you, even if no one else does.

If someone close to you was sexually assaulted encourage them to do all of the above and hold their hand through it all so that they know they're not alone.

Art Therapy

"..the painting is a really crucial part of the artistic process for me. I helps me organize my ideas and visually convey the concept behind every song."

I'm offering prints of my paintings as perks as part of my crowdfunding campaign

In my project Borg Queen I wear many hats. Having a career where I can use as many of my skills as possible and be creative has been a lifelong goal of mine. I knew I could never be content just doing one thing. I have to do all the things! The trouble was that I could never find a "job" where I could do that. When people ask me what I do I'm reluctant to tell them that, "I bring complex psychological concepts to life through as many artistic disciplines as possible" because it makes me sound like a pretentious douche, BUT that's exactly what I do. Most of the time I just tell them I'm an artist or a musician and that will usually segway into a conversation about all the shit that I do within this project that I call Borg Queen.

Today's post isn't about everything I do because that would make for an extremely long post, and who has time these days to read something longer than 5 paragraphs with all that other click bait you have to get to. Today's focus is the paintings that I create for every song that I write. Doing the painting is a really crucial part of the artistic process for me. I helps me organize my ideas and visually convey the concept behind every song.

My album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs and 10 paintings that tell a true story of why I fell into addiction and how I found my way out. SDSBP is a coming of age story set in a strip club. Each song is a life lesson or insight I gained from working as a stripper. The first 5 songs are written from my perspective as an addict who had lost all hope and put her faith in money. The turning point in the album is when I have a spiritual awakening and the last 5 songs are written from my perspective as a woman who has come into her own and discovered her life purpose despite still being a stripper.

Track List & Paintings

Prints of all the paintings are being offered as perks through my current crowdfunding campaign on Indigogo https://igg.me/at/SexDrugsAlbum

1. This Is Real – 

It’s a reverse Cinderella story. It’s about having being a young adult with goals, hopes and ambitions, but having them destroyed by circumstances beyond control like illness, a bad economy and death. It’s about the huge mistake a lot of young people make which is making money a priority in life. I foolishly thought that money would solve all my problems and give me comfort, but when it didn’t I became depressed and turned to alcohol and drugs.

2. Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles – 

In short it’s about the trap of greed that a lot of strippers fall into. You get so obsessed with making money that you lose perspective and fall into a vicious cycle of making a bunch of money, but spending it as fast as you make and never getting ahead.

3. Little Miss Liquid Courage – 

It’s about me selling out to the playboy standard of beauty so I could make more money as a stripper. There’s a tremendous amount of pressure in the exotic entertainment industry to make yourself look as close to humanly possible as a Barbie Doll just so you can make more money. Sadly, I succumbed to that pressure and hated myself for it.

4. Hedonist: The Birth Of Venus Demilo – 

It’s about me coping with domestic abuse by turning to various forms of hedonism that were in turn killing me. My hedonist lifestyle took over my personality and eventually transformed me into the alter ego that I was playing on stage.

5. The Bottom Of The Glass –

 It’s about hitting rock bottom as an addict, being totally alone and just crying out to anyone or anything that will listen.

6. My Resurrection – 

It’s the turning point and about facing my demons of greed, abuse and addiction and telling them that they no longer control me.

7. It’s Over – 

It’s a break up song about my abusive relationship with my addictions.

8. We’re All Whores – 

It’s an insight that I had when a customer basically called me a whore for taking my clothes off for money. We all have a price. We’re all a commodity. We’ve all done something for money that we wouldn’t have done otherwise. Therefore, we’re all whores.

9. Lapdance Romance – 

When you’re a stripper you’re not supposed to fall for the customers, but it ended up happening to me. I tried to deny my feelings for him, but I couldn’t so I took a chance, gave up control and allowed myself to fall in love.

10. Imago Dei – 

It’s Latin for image of God. It’s about being a stripper and a person of faith at the same time.

Prints available through my Indigogo crowdfund here

SPOILER ALERT! Preview For Hedonist Music Video Script - Part 4

Today's blog post is Part 3 of a 4 part series where I am giving you a preview of the actual script we'll be using to shoot my upcoming music video Hedonist.

Hedonist the music video has been a huge undertaking. As pleased as I am with my last music video Lapdance Romance, my goal is to make Lapdance Romance look like and idiot compared to Hedonist. Hedonist is going to have 4 sets  with separate action sequences that relate the overall concept of the song visually. I've decided to post the scripts I've written for each set in a 4 part series.

In my first post of this series I revealed the script for The Psychiatrist's Office of  the Mind's Eye. It' lays down the premise and overall concept for the video.

The the second of the sets is what I've called The Padded Cell of Hedonism. The set is where my character goes to escape the pain of being abused, and is a visual metaphor for my character's relationship with hedonism. Hedonism is portrayed as a physical being who rules the world inside the cell and ultimately seduces my character to over indulge in substance use until she becomes an addict.

The third set is called The Padded Cell of Terror and Art Therapy

This set is all about my character "The Patient" coming to the grim realization that she is an addict trapped in a vicious cycle of domestic abuse and substance abuse.

The fourth and final set is simply titled...

The Operating Room

The Operating Room is not only about the abusive relationship between the domestic violence victim and their abuser, but also the abusive relationship between the domestic violence victim and herself. The domestic violence victim uses substance abuse as an escape from the pain of  the violence and through the use of drugs and alcohol creates an alter ego for herself as depicted in the script below.

THE OPERATING ROOM

by JENNY KIRBY

Scene 1

INT: Operating Room

A continuation from the last scene of Little Miss Liquid Courage the patient lays motionless on the operating table. Her chest and head wounds from where she tore off her fake stapled on breasts and hair are gushing blood. Surgeon #1 and Surgeon #2 enter wearing white “Howie coats” and full biohazard masks that hide their identity. Surgeon #1 straps the patient down and places the patients head in the vice grips at the top end of the table. Surgeon #2 pries the patient’s mouth open with a metal mouth speculum, shoves a tube inside the patient’s mouth, then connects the tube to a vodka bottle suspended from an IV stand.

Next to the operating table is a metal tray with surgical instruments and power tools. Surgeon #2 marks 4 circles on the patient’s torso and then hands surgeon #1 a scalpel. Surgeon #1 slices into the patient’s skin dragging the scalpel along the perimeter of the marked circles. Surgeon #1 peels off the circles of cut out skin as Surgeon #2 wipes away the blood leaking out of the incisions.

Surgeon #1 digs into the wound with a pair of surgical tweezers and fishes around inside the wound which causes more blood to begin gushing out. Surgeon #2 uses a sponge to absorb and wipe away the excess blood. Then Surgeon #2 pokes her finger into the wound and pulls out an artery. Surgeon #1 places 2 clamps on the artery and cuts between the two clamps with a pair of scissors. Surgeon #2 lifts the bottom of Surgeon #1’s mask revealing his mouth and wipes the blood off her gloved finger on to his lips. Surgeon #1 licks the blood from his lips and smiles.

SURGEON #1

“Oh! You taste so good”

Scene 2

INT: Operating Room

In the back corner to the left of the operating table sits a cylindrical glass tank with a metal base that is made up of several small piece held together by rivets. Inside the glass tank is a living growing fetus. Several small tubes are connected to the fetus and lead down into the metal base. At the bottom of the metal base are 4 large black tubes that carry nutrients to the fetus and waste away from the fetus.

Surgeon #1 stretches the patient’s circular incisions open and inserts a short metal cylinder with a flared base into each circular incision. The flared base has screw sockets and is positioned just under the skin. The cylindrical portion juts out of the wound and will fit inside the opening of the large black tubes.  

Surgeon #2 is holding a large black tube at the open end and pulls a small catheter type tube from inside. Surgeon #1 pulls the clamped end of an artery out of one of the patient’s incisions as Surgeon #2 inserts the catheter tip into the artery.

After the surgeons have repeated this procedure for all of the catheter tubes, Surgeon #1 attaches the black hose into the circular incisions by placing the opening of the black tube over the metal cylinder jutting out of the incision an screwing the flared opening of the black tubes into the skin and down into the sockets of the flared base of the metal cylinder inside the wound.

The patient’s body now provides nourishment to the growing fetus inside the tank. Surgeon #1 pulls off his mask and reveals his face. He’s a sinister looking man with a sadistic gleam in his eye. Surgeon #2 pulls the mask off her face revealing her identity. She is the patient. She leans in towards Surgeon #2 as if to kiss him.

SURGEON #2

“I need an anesthetic to numb me to you”

Surgeon #2 leans in even closer, nose to nose, lips almost touching. Surgeon #1 is entranced, and doesn’t notice as Surgeon #2 grips his throat tightly with her bloody hand and begins to choke him.

SPOILER ALERT! Preview For Hedonist Music Video Script - Part 2

Today's blog post is Part 2 of a 4 part series where I am giving you a preview of the actual script we'll be using to shoot my upcoming music video Hedonist.

Hedonist the music video has been a huge undertaking. As pleased as I am with my last music video Lapdance Romance, my goal is to make Lapdance Romance look like and idiot compared to Hedonist. Hedonist is going to have 4 sets  with separate action sequences that relate the overall concept of the song visually. I've decided to post the scripts I've written for each set in a 4 part series.

In my first post of this series I revealed the script for The Psychiatrist's Office of  the Mind's Eye. It' lays down the premise and overall concept for the video. The the second of the sets is what I've called...

The Padded Cell of Hedonism

This set is where my character "The Patient" goes to escape the pain of being abused and forms yet another abusive relationship with "Hedonism."

THE PADDED CELL OF HEDONISM

by JENNY KIRBY

Scene 1

INT: Padded Cell

A shiny red vinyl padded cell with Hedonism, a god-like figure

with glistening silver skin reclining on a chaise lounge wearing

an opulent flowing black and silver brocade silk cloak. He is

visually a combination between the Roman god of wine Bacchus and

Gary Oldman as "old Dracula" from the 1992 film Dracula with a

gothic twist.

At Hedonism's feet is a heavily tatooed shirtless slave boy

fanning him. A female slave enters with a bottle of wine on a

tray. She pours Hedonism a glass of wine and hands it to him.

Hedonism chugs back the entire glass and hands it back to the

female slave.

Hedonism claps his hands summoning two nurses each with a slave

on a leash. The nurses inject the slaves with a drug that has an

aphrodisiac effect. The slaves fall to the floor and begin making

out while Hedonism watches with a satisfied look on his face.

Scene 2

INT: Padded Cell

Hedonism reclines on his chaise lounge as he is fanned by a male

slave at his feet and fed hors d'erves by a female slave.

Hedonism is surrounded by an entourage of hedonists dancing,

drinking and making out with each other.

As his face is being stuffed with food, a female hedonist "The

Hedonist" approches him. She is dressed in what could be

described best as black shiny Victorian fetish wear. Hedonism

motions for her to sit down with him. He summons for his female

slave to bring wine. The female slave pours two glasses of wine

and hands one to Hedonism and one to The Hedonist. The Hedonist and Hedonism clink their glasses as a toast to their union.

Hedonism motions for his male slave to come over and attend to

The Hedonist's every desire. The male slave moves behind The

Hedonist and begins stroking and kissing her neck. The Hedonist

turns her face to the male slave and kisses him passionately. As

they're kissing a nurse enters and straps a collar around The

Hedonist's neck.

Scene 3

INT: Padded Cell

Nurse #1's contorted body is positioned on the chaise lounge.

Nurse #2 has The Hedonist handcuffed with a leash attached to the

collar around her neck. Nurse #2 lays out two lines of a powdered

substance on Nurse #1's contorted body. Nurse #2 snorts a line

off of Nurse #1's body and then commands The Hedonist to do a

line as well. The Hedonist complies.