Silver Linings Within A Tarnished Existence

August sucked. As I walked down the dismal hallway of victim services for the second time within the past year I could feel myself falling to pieces and asking myself, "Am I fucking cursed or is violence against women, just so prevalent and normalized within our society?" I'm not going to go into detail about what happened, but suffice it to say that my August was spent talking to cops, Crown Counsel, victim services, doctors and counselors.

So what's the silver lining you may ask? Well, despite how horrific 2016 was in my personal life and the fact that I've spent all of 2017 in therapy dealing with the shit that happened in 2016, the silver lining is... My artistic life has been amazing! Sure, I have days that the pain is so unbearable that I don't want to be alive, but I've managed to be able to escape the agony by focusing on my artistic pursuits. Art has literally saved my life.

I don't want this post to be a downer so here's a list of all of the really awesome things that happened in my artistic life this year.

1. I released my first album

This was HUGE for me! I was also pleasantly surprised as to how many CD's of it I sold. You hear that no one buys physical media anymore, but I can tell you that I sold 25× more physical copies than I did digital ones. You can purchase both here on my website

Click to purchase your copy

2. I played my first live show as 'Borg Queen'

It was for Kink Fetish Night in Vancouver and what a blast! It was a ton of prep work and loads of rehearsals, but super fun. Here's a short video of the highlights.

3. I released a new music video

I released the video for my song 'We're All Whores.' After 2 months of pitching it to Canadian bloggers who mostly rejected it and gave negative feedback, I prepared myself for it to be a total flop. Instead it ended up being a hit in Mexico and my fan base tripled in one month because everyone kept sharing it on Facebook. You can get the song for free plus 3 others from my album by signing up here for my mailing list. In addition to free music you'll also get emailed secret exclusive previews of upcoming music videos, plus discount codes for items in my store.

4. I recorded a new EP

I wrote and recorded a new EP that I plan to release in March of 2018 called Blood, Sweat, Tears. There's still work to be done on it, but I plan on getting my fans involved in the completion process. Stay tuned.

5. I started working on a new music video

I decided to make a music video for Little Miss Liquid Courage. It's currently in pre-production. Here's a preview of the storyboard video. Everyone who signs up to my mailing list gets access to exclusive content including the full version of the storyboard video. You can sign up for my mailing list here and get your exclusive access here

6. I've worked on 3 short films this year

In May I had the chance to do some scenic art and set decorating for a short film called 'Bounce.' That job led to another project called 'Monkey Slayer' that I landed and acting role in and finally I'm doing some art direction and set design for a short film called 'Triggered.' Cinematic art is a passion of mine, so I m really grateful for the opportunities that have come my way.

7. I got accepted into the IATSE art department

For those of you who don't know, IATSE is the film technicians union. This is a HUGE milestone, as working as an art director on a major production is on my bucket list. If you're curious, you can check out my art department portfolio here 

8. I'm making props for a major TV series

I'm currently making props for 'Arrow.' Enough said.

9. I'll be releasing another music video this year

'Hedonist' will be released within the next few months. As far as music videos go, this one is my opus and I'm beyond excited for the release. Here's a teaser for the intro. Wanna see the full video? Sign up for my mailing list here and when it's done being edited you'll get the secret sneak preview.

So there we have it...9 great things that happened to me artistically this year. There's the silver lining, and if I'm to be perfectly candid here...the reason my heart is still beating.

Triple Threatin' It

I am now officially a triple threat, and here's the evidence. Of course, I can't take all the credit. The concept was Arcelia Ocana's, the director who hired me for her project "Mime Love."

This project originated when I asked her if she'd be interested in making a music video for my song "The Bottom Of The Glass." I sent her the painting and the song with a brief explanation about the song being about my addiction to alcohol. I guess it inspired her. She had a green screen project that she had to do for school and she wanted to use my story, my art, my music and my services as an actor. Of course, I'm not one to shun the spotlight so I said yes.

"Are You Real" is the official title of the video, and it features two of my songs, "It's Over" and "The Bottom Of The Glass." The background is green screened and flashes several images of my paintings for my Borg Queen music and visual art project Sex, Drugs, & Shiny Brass Poles. This video is really the true story behind the inspiration for starting Borg Queen and my concept for Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.

I wanted to do something where I could utilize all of my artistic skills, so I decided that I would make a series of paintings, and write a song for each painting. My eventual goal is to do a tour with theatre style rock opera performance for Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles, but I don't want to get too ahead of myself right now. I still have to finish painting and songwriting first. I've learned to apply the lessons in my recovery from alcoholism to my creative process. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Hero Worship - Dali, Depp, Burton, Reznor (Part 1)

Everyone needs a hero. When it comes to art I have 4 guys I absolutely adore. I could write a novel about the awesomeness of each one of these guys. However I won't, because nowadays the people who spend a lot of time online reading blogs have the attention span of a 2 year old with ADHD(no offense to you personally). I will be writing a multi entry blog about my heroes, Salvador Dali, Johnny Depp, Tim Burton and Trent Reznor and why they inspire me and the influence each one has had on my visual art, acting and music.

I would imagine most people know who these guys are. They're all pretty darn famous and have made huge impacts in each of their fields respectively, but for those of you who have just returned to civilization, here's a brief summary of each artistic genius and how they've been an influence on my career as an artist. I'll be writing an entry dedicated to each one in the near future.

Salvador Dali 1904-1989

Salvador or Sal as I like to call him was a Spanish surrealist painter. His most famous work is The Persistence Of Memory, otherwise know as "that painting with the melting clocks." Originally a draftsman, his technical drawing skills were highly developed and comparable to those of the Renaissance masters like Leonard Da Vinci, and are a crucial component in making his deeply psychological paintings so effective. His fine balance of technical perfection, creativity and conceptual communication is what I strive to achieve with my paintings.

Johnny Depp 1963-

Johnny Depp is an American actor who is best known for his portrayal of eccentric offbeat characters, like Jack Sparrow, Sweeney Todd, Willi Wonka and the Mad Hatter. Johnny himself is somewhat of an eccentric offbeat character with a no-compromise attitude who has risen to the status of an international sex symbol. As a person, I find that I have a few things in common with Johnny with being somewhat of a rebel and being unconventionally attractive myself. As an actor I aspire to showcase my uniqueness and Johnny Depp is a perfect example of how an artsy weirdo made a successful acting career by just staying true to himself.

Tim Burton 1958-

Little Timmy started out in his professional artistic journey as an lowly animator, just like me. He is now one of the most famous film directors(among many other things) out of Hollywood. His best known films include, Alice in Wonderland, Sweeney Todd, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Sleepy Hollow, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Corpse Bride, Batman, Batman Returns, Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands. It is Tim Burton's visual aesthetic and "brand" if you will, that I fell in love with at a very early age. His unique portrayal of the world through the eyes of a innocent child with a macabre twist has a sincerity about it that draws me into his work every time(plus it looks cool). His movies inspire me as both an actor and visual artist.

Trent Reznor 1965-

Oh man, where do I start with Mr. Reznor? He's probably most famous for his industrial music project Nine Inch Nails, but he's also a producer, engineer, multi-instrumentalist, composer and revolutionary businessman. He is a rarity in that he is both right and left brained. He is equally an artist and scientist. He has wholly embraced technology as a means for baring his soul to the world, and creating art. He has impacted my life on a deeply personal, artistic and professional level, as an artist, musician and entrepreneur.

Hopefully that was helpful. I will be going into more specific detail about each one of these amazing people starting with Sal, so if Oedipus complexes, masturbation and Freudian psychology fascinate you, then you'll want to get to know Salvadore Dali.

Angst Makes For Good Art

So my personal life has been somewhat of a mess lately. The beautiful tapestry that was my relationship with my partner caught a snag about 2 years ago and began to unravel. As it unraveled we made numerous attempts to fix it, but to no avail, it was never the same again. It had become forever marred and over the past month it has become apparent that it's time to just let it go. Saying goodbye to a 4 and a half year relationship that started off with so much promise has been horrifically painful, and it's like walking around with a dagger in a still beating heart. With every pulse I am in agony.

This isn't a relationship blog so I'm not going into any further detail about the break-up, but there is something really great that has come of it all. My acting has never been better! Also my ability to sing and scream at the same time has returned too.

In the past week I was able to record a song that I had written about 2 years ago when my relationship started to really tank. The song wasn't written about my relationship with my then boyfriend, but was actually about me quitting drinking. At the time I started to notice the parallels between my dysfunctional relationship with my boyfriend and my dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, so I wrote "It's Over."

A few months ago I painted the corresponding painting. Interestingly enough it was at a time when it became apparent that the wedding that my then fiancee and I were supposed to have was never going to happen. The use of the bridal imagery and the wedding being cancelled are purely a bizarre coincidence. I didn't realize the connection until my mom asked me if the painting was about the wedding being cancelled. I used the bride because I needed something to symbolize an intimate relationship, and I needed something light colored to contrast against the dark background.

Now that it really is over, the real genuine pain that I feel makes it so much easier to scream-sing making the song much more effective. Also, with my acting I had to film something that required me to do a lot of crying and freaking out. No problem. All I had to do was release the emaotional flood gates and let the pain flow freely. Even in my last acting class my instructor noticed the difference.

Pain is a fact of life none of us can escape, but at least I've been able to take that pain and make some really good art.

You can't win 'em all... Or can you?

As an artist, my work whether it be a song, a painting or performance is always going to be subject to subjective opinion. Not everybody will appreciate or even think that my art is good. My own grandmother thinks that my paintings are horrible and not "good" art. Mind you, she's one of those people who only likes paintings of fruit in bowls and landscapes. *barf*


Does that mean that I've failed as an artist? No, but the real question is should I view my artistic "failures" with the attitude that "You can't win 'em all?"


I used to think so. In fact, that's how I would comfort myself if my work didn't "speak" to someone or my art was rejected from a gallery, or I didn't get the role I auditioned for, or didn't win the contest I entered. However, now I've started viewing my own artistic endeavors from a different perspective. If my art is to be viewed subjectively, then why not view my art career subjectively? Now, every time I create something I view it as a win. The mere fact that I overcame the inital fear of failure the precedes the artistic process is a win in itself.


For example, in the past couple of weeks, I submitted myself for 10 films. Out of that, I got 5 auditions, and out of that I was definitely rejected for 2 of the roles, I rejected one because the producer was a chump, I'm still waiting to hear back from one production and finally, one director absolutely loved my work and my look, so she hired me. I could look at this like I won 1 out of 5 or my success rate is 20%, but why should I? After all, I was prepared for each audition, I brought my best work to the table and I showed up and did my job as an actor which was show the casting directors their options for casting the role. Whether or not they thought I was "right" for the role is totally out of my hands.

Another even better example is that I submitted myself to The Peak Perfomance Project which is a music contest on 100.5FM The Peak. In total I believe there were 740 entries and the top 20 would all go on to "rock n' roll bootcamp," recieve several thousands of dollars and get hooked up with indsutry professionals so they could further their careers, not to mention they'd get a whole bunch of radio play as well. I was hopeful so I kept my fingers crossed, but alas I recieved the standard mass rejection email that was sent to all 720 of us losers. The winning side of all of this was that I regularily post my new songs on my facebook page and my biggest highschool crush(who I pined over for 7 years) happened to listen my stuff. He sent me the longest message telling me how amazing and talented I was!

So I didn't get to go to Rock N' Roll Bootcamp, but I impressed the hell out of my highschool crush. Really when you get down to it, isn't that what being a rockstar is all about?

"To Do" List Update - Success!

Well, I guess 2 out of 3 isn't bad for things to check off today's "to do" list. I didn't get to paint the super awesome pin-up painting for my partner Dan, but I did have a success in the acting arena.

I submitted myself for various student and independent films. The Vancouver Actor's Guide is a fabulous resource for "beginner" actors like myself to find auditions and other industry resources. There's a forum on there as well, and most of the other actors are very helpful and prompt when it comes to answering even the most basic questions. So, I submitted myself for 7 projects on VAG and I got 3 auditions so far out of it. Not too shabby. Actually it's probably because I bothered to shell out the extra cash for professional headshots.

Having a good headshot is really important early on in one's acting career as the resume will be quite lacking in credits. It's also good to have two headshots with different looks because it showcases the actor's versatility. I use the top headshot for roles that are sexy, wild, "bad" or alternative and the bottom one for younger, innocent, professional and more straight-laced characters.

I also checked out craigslist, and submitted for 3 projects and I did get one call out of it, but it sounds like it has about a 50% chance of being a little on the shady side, but I guess that's the risk you take when you go on craigslist for anything. Finally, I contacted 4 local reputable background agencies for extra work.

All in all, I'd say the working day was a success! Now on to the next step of preparing for these 3 auditions.

A "To Do" List

So today is May 26, 2010 and I'm feeling productive and inspired because I'm riding last night's wave of accomplishment, so I'm making myself a "to do" list for today.

1. Paint a sexy pin-up Irish themed "Happy Birthday" picture for Dan (my partner).

I have this thing with my paintings for Dan. I paint him pin-ups based on various events in our relationship together. Here's all the ones I've done so far, plus a little synopsis of the event or concept that inspired it.

"You Make My Head Swim" is about the night we met in at St. Pete's an Edmonton "gentleman's club." I was feeling like a fish out of water in Edmonton until I met Dan in a chance encounter VIP show.

"50cc's Of Your Love - Stat" Well...let's just say that we got passionately carried away on day and 13 times later I ended in the Emergency Room, but it was beautiful really because that's when I realized that I had fallen in love with him.

"The Ultimate Conquest" like all great art, it's about about "doing it." Only this time it's about conquering the libido.

"Sex Cauldron" This one is about our mutual love of The Simpson's episode where Principal Skinner and Mrs. Crabapple hook up and Helen Lovejoy accuses them of "Having S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N" and then Krusty says, "Sex Cauldron?! I thought they shut that place down!" Anyway, Dan and I were out on a walk and started talking about that episode and laughing about that part in particular and Dan had mention that "Sex Cauldron" would be a great name for a Halloween-themed strip club, and that the sign could have a sexy witch with a cauldron on it. He painted such a vivid picture in my mind that I had to return the favour by painting it for him on a canvas.

"From The Bottom Of My Heart" was a Valentine's gift and I don't think any explanation is needed.

2. Submit myself for some student films so I can get a few more screen credits on my acting resume.

It's gotta get done, and it has been a while since I've exercised my acting muscles.

3. Submit my head shot to the local extra agencies.

Obviously my goal is not to be a career extra, but I'd like to make the best use of time of my hiatus from my interior design job and get as much on set experience as possible. Plus any extra cash right now isn't gonna hurt.

This list is starting to looking pretty ambitious so I'm going to stop adding to it and see if I can get it all done today. Here's hoping!

Focus & Projects On The Go

I just realized that I needed to give this little blog more of a specific focus. Mostly this is just a way to be more accountable to myself and track my progress.

I guess the first thing on the agenda would be to introduce myself. I am a visual artist, actor, dancer, singer/songwriter & musician. I recently took a medical leave of absence from my day job as an interior designer due to a recently developed neurological condition. So now that I'm not tied down to the daily grind of 9-5 I'll have a lot more time on my hands to persue my artistic goals in acting, music and art.

I'll be posting my progress in each one of my artistic endeavors regularly in this blog.

ACTING

Currently, I'm in the process of putting together a headshot/resume/demo package to send out to principal agents for TV, film and voice acting work. Part of this little arrangement is that I've agreed to paint a mural in exchange for acting classes and a voiceover demo. So far I have the head shots done and I've been in classes regularly since August 2009, plus I've done most of my voices for the voiceover demo. I still have a lot of work to do, like paint the mural for payment of my classes, record an on camera demo, and put together a resume. I'm hoping that in the next couple of weeks I'll be able to get all of this done.

MUSIC & ART - BORG QUEEN

"Borg Queen" is an integrated musical & visual art project that I'm working on. My goal with this is to combine all of my talents into one project. I have a series of paintings I'm working on under the central theme of SEX, DRUGS & SHINY BRASS POLES, and I'm in the process of writing a song for each one. This is somewhat of a concept album/piece. It's about the life of a young woman who falls into addiction and gets swept up in the simultaneously appealing & repelling world of exotic entertainment. It's based upon my own personal experiences in the exotic entertainment industry. It chronicles my struggles with alcoholism, my recovery and sober life afterward in the most unlikely of places - a strip club.

These are the paintings I've completed so far:

SEX, DRUGS & SHINY BRASS POLES

THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

IT'S OVER

MY RESURRECTION

I've also set up a You Tube channel for this project at http://www.youtube.com/user/BorgQueenMusic

I also have a facebook fan page for Borg Queen at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Borg-Queen-Music-Art-by-Jenny-Kirby/114645538575430

I'll be posting my songs there as I complete them.

Well that's it for now. It's time to start my day, get dressed, walk my dogs & start recording some vocals for my next song. Stay tuned.