A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 7 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is It's Over.

IT'S OVER

It's Over is a break up song. It's me ending all the unhealthy relationships I had cultivated over the 7 years prior. I ended my relationship with my abusive spouse, my unhealthy relationship with booze, drugs and money, but most importantly I ended my abusive relationship with myself. The song can be summarized in pretty much this one line from the bridge.

"Fuck You! I'm done! Fuck it all, I don't want to fall back in love with you again. Back in hell with you again"

SYMBOLS

The Bride: The bride is a pretty obvious symbol given the context of the lyrics. She sits calmly staring a a broken wine glass.

The Broken Wine Glass: Again, I love my visual symbols to have several meanings. In some Western particularly religious wedding ceremonies the bride and groom drink wine from the same glass. The smashed glass is the symbolic end to the relationship. Also, the broken wine glass symbolizes the end of addiction.

The Wilted Flowers: Another symbol of the death of relationships.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

The song is a bouncy dance rock song with a defiant tone. The song can be purchased as part of the album or as a single on my WEBSITE  

For a limited time let's say until midnight on May 20th, I will make It's Over available as a FREE DOWNLOAD

It's Over

I don’t wanna go to your after party
I don’t wanna fuck your fat wad of money
I don’t need your backstage pass cause you don’t get me off
And I am done whoring myself out
To further your cause
It’s over, It’s over, It’s over
It’s all over

I’m living it for me now
I’m no longer your slave now
I’m not your bitch anymore and I’m done with you
It was fun while it lasted but you need to know
I can’t stay here and rot, so I’ve got to let you go

I don’t have to sit here and let you fuck me up
And I don’t have to pretend that what you give is good enough
And I don’t need your empty promises or your alleged love
I’m not desperate enough
To be settling for this
It’s over, It’s over, It’s over, It’s so over
It’s over, It’s over, It’s over
It’s all over

I’m living it for me now
I’m no longer your slave now
I’m not your bitch anymore and I’m done with you
It was fun while it lasted but you need to know
I can’t stay here and rot, so I’ve got to let you go

So take your cheap words and swallow them
I hope you choke and die
Go swimming in your liquid lies
Go drown in your deception’
Go swimming in your liquid lies
Go drown in your deception’

Fuck you! I’m done! Fuck it all!
I don’t want to fall back in love with you again
Back in Hell with you again

I’m living it for me now
I’m no longer your slave now
I’m not your bitch anymore and I’m done with you
It was fun while it lasted but you need to know
I can’t stay here and rot, so I’ve got to let you go

It’s over, It’s over, It’s over, It’s so over

Get It's Over for FREE!!!

offer expires May 20th, 2017

Embed for It's Over

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 5 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is my musical equivalent of Nine Inch Nails' Hurt(famously covered by Johnny Cash)...The Bottom Of The Glass.

THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

The Bottom Of The Glass is the 5th piece in the series and is about hitting rock bottom. The preceding song Hedonist is the in your face revelation of the domestic abuse, pain and dysfunction that I was dealing with at the time by self medicating with drugs and alcohol abuse. The final line of Hedonist

"I need an anesthetic, to numb me to you"

is very purposefully blended in the lyrical sense to the opening line of The Bottom Of The Glass,

"With the last drop of anesthetic I swallow, I see the bottom of the glass"

I wanted to show the relationship between the two songs by reiterating the concept of an anesthetic being used as a form of escapism from a horrific life situation involving domestic violence. The Bottom Of The Glass is the realization that in the process of self medication I was actually killing myself and needed help. At the end of the song is my cry for help...

"Save me from myself, my life, this world of glass, let me have another day outside the glass"

SYMBOLS

The Empty Glass: Empty like my soul, when I hit rock bottom. Transparent, because I was finally being honest with myself as to why I was such a hedonist. The opening of the glass is also not visible to indicate that the subject cannot see a way out of her prison.

The Female Subject: Naked with only her own arms to hold her, cold and alone. Her eyes are closed, meditative and contemplating her fate.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

The song is atmospheric with layers and textures painting a picture with sound. The intent was to create a hauntingly sad song conveying the despair and depression I was experiencing while coming to terms with the magnitude of a mess I had created for myself. The song can be purchased as part of the ablum or as a single on my WEBSITE 

The Bottom Of The Glass

With the last drop of anesthetic I swallow 
I see the bottom of the glass 
I've drowned my pain and killed my joy 
I poured out my soul 
There's nothing left 
I've become this vessel I'm hollow 

There is no tomorrow can't see my past 
I fell into the bottom of the glass 
The party's over, everyone's gone 
I am trapped inside 
No where to go 
Inside this place I'm fading fast 

Death greets me but I don't want to follow 
The end is at the bottom of the glass 

I can't stop drowning myself in this hell I created 
This is no way to live, but I'm not ready to die 
I don't want to die, but I'm killing myself 
I can't face what I've become so I just numb the world away 

I try to look up and see a way out 
Life's still a dim prospect 
With nobody to help me from out of my cage 
I've fallen again 
With each sip I take I throw myself away x4 

I'm waste inside the bottom of the glass 
Will I ever see the light again 
Save me from myself, my life this world of glass 
Let me have another day outside this glass

BUY THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 4 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is my personal favorite-HEDONIST.

HEDONIST

Hedonist is the fourth piece in the series and is visually and sonically the darkest. The preceding song Little Miss Liquid Courage is a satirical dig at mainstream beauty ideals and while light and pop sounding it hints at something much darker hiding beneath the surface. Hedonist is the revealation of the darkness, pain and dysfunction that I was dealing with at the time by self medicating with various hedonistic vices.

"I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck and snort the pain away"

Hedonist is about 2 abusive relationships that I was in at the time. The first being with myself and the second one was with my husband at the time. In retrospect I know that I attracted a person who was abusive to me because I was abusing myself. I firmly believe that we attract people who are in a similar head space to ourselves. The song is written in the past tense and I wrote it years after the abusive events had occurred as a victim impact statement so I could finally have some closure. I explore the victim impact statement aspect of Hedonist in what is my most popular post by far, The Art Of Sexual Assault.

SYMBOLS

The Suspended Vodka Bottle: It's suspended like and IV indicating that it is being ingested medicinally vs. recreationally

The Female Subject: She's completely dark and has her arms and legs amputated to symbolize that she's a victim of domestic violence.

The Demonic Hands: The demonic hands are the demons and vices that continue to trap the subject in her vicious cycle of abuse. They clutch on to her chest to show that they have a grip on her heart.

The Blood: I use blood as a paradoxical symbol within my work. Blood is life, but it is also death. The blood in this painting is the life draining out of the victim. Notice how her eyes are partially open to indicate that she is conscious of her situation. The blood from her body is also being drained by the tubes attached to her arm and leg stumps. Her very life essence is being sucked out of her.

The "Egg" Incubator: The tubes leading out of the victim are serving a purpose and that is facilitating the growth of her alter ego. If you've experienced addiction personally or have someone close to you who suffers from it, then you know how it transforms a person into a "shadow version" of themselves.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

My intent when writing this song was to tell a story in three different voices. My Preferred Self is the narrator refelcting upon the events that took place. My Shadow Self sings the chorus and My Broken Soul sings the bridge and reveals the depth of despair to which I sank and why I got there. It's a complex song with layers of sound and depth of emotion ranging from sexual euphoria to suicidal depression. This my favorite song on the album and can be purchased as a single or part of the album on my WEBSITE 

Hedonist

I use to be a good girl
I used to really care
But when you came along
Then I began to disappear
Since you think you're God
Then create someone new
Someone better than me
That'll serve only you

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x3
To numb me to you

You got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause you got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away

I must confess that I love the drugs
And I like to fuck, and I don't care who
And that my darling is why I love you

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x3
To numb me to you

You got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause you got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away

I can't take this anymore
There's nothing strong enough to numb me
I'm your whore
You've imprisoned me
In your web of lies
You struck my body
When I carried your child
You violate what's left of me
In every way
So I poison myself
To keep your assaults at bay
But these wounds you inflict
Are bleeding out as I pray
While I still drink dance fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause there's a hole deep inside me
That you RAPE everyday
So I'll just drink, dance fuck
and snort the pain away

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x7
To numb me to you 

BUY HEDONIST

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 2 of 10

OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is the title track/painting Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles.

SEX, DRUGS AND SHINY BRASS POLES

Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is the second piece in the series and is a continuation of the story. This Is Real, the first painting in the series focuses on the pressures one experiences when entering adulthood, particularly the role finances(or lack there of) play in our emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. In This Is Real the protagonist has become blinded by the pursuit of wealth because she sees money as the solution to her problems.

Both the paintings and the songs blend conceptually into each other as well as sonically. When you listen to the album in it's entirety on CD one song flows into the next. I did this on purpose because the storyline of each piece is tied to the one before and after it. Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is the appearant solution to the problem presented in This Is Real. However, the financial solution presented in SDSBP begins to create a whole new set of problems for the protagonist. She becomes consumed by her environment, and what she thought was her salvation has become her prison.

Don't get me wrong, I really like strip clubs and my intention was not to cast a negative light on strip clubs in particular, but rather on the hollow pursuit of material wealth. The protagonist could have just as well chosen any other profession and become consumed by her environment and lost her identity and sense of purpose.

SYMBOLS

Every symbol within this painting is tied to the idea of forming a symbiotic relationship with the strip club environment. The subjects are no longer autonomous individuals and have been transformed into creatures attached to the poles. I exaggerated the breasts and buttocks in a fetishistic way to show that these women are no longer viewed as "real people" but are simple the sum of ideal feminine characteristics.

The colors and lighting are all about creating a mood. If you've ever set foot into a strip club, you'll have noticed that the lighting really sets the mood and while your eyes may be feasting on flesh it is never truly the color of natural skin, so that's why my three subjects are not flesh tone. I also wanted portray them as skeletal to show that they have been reduced to nothing but flesh and bone.

Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

The arrangement of the subjects is akin to the traditional crucifixion scene with the center subject sacrificing herself for money. The woman on the left snorting the cocaine is caught in the endless cycle of addiction. I painted her body into a contorted loop with her foot stepping on her own head to show that addiction is a cycle as well as something that is self-imposed. The woman on the right has lost her identity as a result of her addiction and has become the physical manifestation of alcoholism. I painted this particular figure to represent myself. The blood pouring out of the bottle attached to her arm is symbolizes me pouring my soul out on to the stage. This is one of those double meaning images I like to use. Pouring out my soul into stage performances is both comforting, but also draining. It kept me sane, but also left me empty because it never seemed like it was enough.

LYRICS & MUSIC

The song can be purchased as a single or part of the album on my WEBSITE

Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles

We're oh so pretty
We're young and we're bold
We're oh so pretty
And we'll never grow old
We're oh so pretty x4

Welcome to the room where no one grows old
A shining new world awaits
There’s no cover charge
You pay with your soul
The glamour of seduction will swallow you whole
(We’re oh so pretty)
Welcome to the room where no one grows old
A shining new world awaits
There’s no cover charge
You pay with your soul
The glamour of seduction will swallow you whole

Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down
Into the hole

Your hollow existence will finally be filled
You’ve got money and acclaim
While they keep throwing you more bills

Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down
Into the hole
(We’re oh so pretty)
Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow

Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow
Sorrow, sorrow, sorrow

Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down into the hole
Sex drugs and shiny brass poles
Follow me down x 2
Yeah, swallow me down x3
Into the hole

Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow

Live only for tonight
And don’t look to tomorrow
And don’t you ever wake up
Cause all you’ll see is sorrow 

SPOILER ALERT! Preview For Hedonist Music Video Script - Part 3

Today's blog post is Part 3 of a 4 part series where I am giving you a preview of the actual script we'll be using to shoot my upcoming music video Hedonist.

Hedonist the music video has been a huge undertaking. As pleased as I am with my last music video Lapdance Romance, my goal is to make Lapdance Romance look like and idiot compared to Hedonist. Hedonist is going to have 4 sets  with separate action sequences that relate the overall concept of the song visually. I've decided to post the scripts I've written for each set in a 4 part series.

In my first post of this series I revealed the script for The Psychiatrist's Office of  the Mind's Eye. It' lays down the premise and overall concept for the video.

The the second of the sets is what I've called The Padded Cell of Hedonism. The set is where my character goes to escape the pain of being abused, and is a visual metaphor for my character's relationship with hedonism. Hedonism is portrayed as a physical being who rules the world inside the cell and ultimately seduces my character to over indulge in substance use until she becomes an addict.

The third set is called...

The Padded Cell of Terror and Art Therapy

This set is all about my character "The Patient" coming to the grim realization that she is an addict trapped in a vicious cycle of domestic abuse and substance abuse.

A digital mock up of "The Padded Cell of Terror and Art Therapy"

A test shot of the set and myself as "The Patient." 

THE PADDED CELL OF TERROR AND ART THERAPY

by JENNY KIRBY

INT: Padded Cell

A dirty worn down padded cell with a female patient curled in the fetal position unconcious in the centre wearing tattered Victorian style lingere. As she awakes from her drug induced stupor she sits up into a cross-legged position and begins to survey her surroundings. She crawls around in an attempt to understand where she is. She stands up and begins to pushes on the pads feeling them and looking for a means of escape.

Panic starts to set in as she realizes that she's trapped an there is no way out. She screams, but no one hears her. She begins to scratch herself on the face, neck and arms as she continues to search for a way out. When it becomes appearant that there is no way out, she falls to her knees and begins screaming to release the fear and rage that has overtaken her body.

She wraps her arms around herself for comfort and stares at the mutilation she's caused herself. She ponders for a moment staring at one of the scratches on her forearm. She runs the tip of her fingernail through the scratch scooping up the blood oozing out of the wound, then licks the blood off the tip of her fingernail. She impulsively bites into the top of her hand tearing a chunk of flesh away. The sensation of the pain endorphins rushing through her veins is almost orgasmic. She dips her fingernail in to the hand wound that is gushing blood and scoops out a liberal amount and begins scrawling the words, "I used to be a good girl, I used to really care" on the walls of the cell.  She continues to use her hand wound as a palette, her blood as paint and her fingernail as her brush while painting the lyrics to Hedonist as a form of art therapy.

As she's painting the last line of the song, two nurses enter. The nurses' job is to prevent the patient from expressing herself so they jump on top of her. One nurse holds the patient down as the other nurse injects the patient's neck with a sedative. The patient now catatonic and complaint allows the nurses to straight jacket her. The nurses lay her down on her back and place a metal gag into her mouth to pry it open. They want to ensure that the patient is never able to express herself again so they pour an entire bottle of liquid suspension type medication down her throat and then shove an entire bottle of pills down her throat.

The nurses satisfied that the patient is sufficiently drugged, leave the cell. The patient is left alone, straight-jacketed in the middle of the cell.

SPOILER ALERT! Preview For Hedonist Music Video Script - Part 2

Today's blog post is Part 2 of a 4 part series where I am giving you a preview of the actual script we'll be using to shoot my upcoming music video Hedonist.

Hedonist the music video has been a huge undertaking. As pleased as I am with my last music video Lapdance Romance, my goal is to make Lapdance Romance look like and idiot compared to Hedonist. Hedonist is going to have 4 sets  with separate action sequences that relate the overall concept of the song visually. I've decided to post the scripts I've written for each set in a 4 part series.

In my first post of this series I revealed the script for The Psychiatrist's Office of  the Mind's Eye. It' lays down the premise and overall concept for the video. The the second of the sets is what I've called...

The Padded Cell of Hedonism

This set is where my character "The Patient" goes to escape the pain of being abused and forms yet another abusive relationship with "Hedonism."

THE PADDED CELL OF HEDONISM

by JENNY KIRBY

Scene 1

INT: Padded Cell

A shiny red vinyl padded cell with Hedonism, a god-like figure

with glistening silver skin reclining on a chaise lounge wearing

an opulent flowing black and silver brocade silk cloak. He is

visually a combination between the Roman god of wine Bacchus and

Gary Oldman as "old Dracula" from the 1992 film Dracula with a

gothic twist.

At Hedonism's feet is a heavily tatooed shirtless slave boy

fanning him. A female slave enters with a bottle of wine on a

tray. She pours Hedonism a glass of wine and hands it to him.

Hedonism chugs back the entire glass and hands it back to the

female slave.

Hedonism claps his hands summoning two nurses each with a slave

on a leash. The nurses inject the slaves with a drug that has an

aphrodisiac effect. The slaves fall to the floor and begin making

out while Hedonism watches with a satisfied look on his face.

Scene 2

INT: Padded Cell

Hedonism reclines on his chaise lounge as he is fanned by a male

slave at his feet and fed hors d'erves by a female slave.

Hedonism is surrounded by an entourage of hedonists dancing,

drinking and making out with each other.

As his face is being stuffed with food, a female hedonist "The

Hedonist" approches him. She is dressed in what could be

described best as black shiny Victorian fetish wear. Hedonism

motions for her to sit down with him. He summons for his female

slave to bring wine. The female slave pours two glasses of wine

and hands one to Hedonism and one to The Hedonist. The Hedonist and Hedonism clink their glasses as a toast to their union.

Hedonism motions for his male slave to come over and attend to

The Hedonist's every desire. The male slave moves behind The

Hedonist and begins stroking and kissing her neck. The Hedonist

turns her face to the male slave and kisses him passionately. As

they're kissing a nurse enters and straps a collar around The

Hedonist's neck.

Scene 3

INT: Padded Cell

Nurse #1's contorted body is positioned on the chaise lounge.

Nurse #2 has The Hedonist handcuffed with a leash attached to the

collar around her neck. Nurse #2 lays out two lines of a powdered

substance on Nurse #1's contorted body. Nurse #2 snorts a line

off of Nurse #1's body and then commands The Hedonist to do a

line as well. The Hedonist complies.

SPOILER ALERT! Preview For Hedonist Music Video Script - Part 1

Hedonist the music video has been a huge undertaking. As pleased as I am with Lapdance Romance, my goal is to make Lapdance Romance look like and idiot compared to Hedonist. Hedonist is going to have 4 sets  with separate action sequences that relate the overall concept of the song visually. I've decided to post the scripts I've written for each set in a 4 part series.

The first of the sets is what I've called...

The Psychiatrist's Office Of The Mind's Eye

What this set represents is the inner monologue we all have with ourselves as we try to make sense of all the shit that happens to us. In this scene my character is having a therapy session with their inner psychiatrist.

THE PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE OF THE MIND’S EYE

by JENNY KIRBY

Scene 1

INT: Psychiatrist’s Office

The office space is surreal like something in a dream and somewhat reminiscent of a Salvador Dali painting. The room appears to be floating in the sky, just above the clouds. The floor is black and white marble laid in a chess board pattern. The bottom 3 feet of the walls are covered in a solid wood paneling framed in by a 4” baseboard and matching chair rail. Above the chair rail the walls disappear entirely opening out to the blue sky scattered with billowy cumulous clouds slowly floating by. Paintings with ornate gold frames appear to be floating in mid-air around the room. A series of framed ink blot tests float next to a red contemporary chair positioned adjacent to a black chaise lounge.

The psychiatrist is seated in the red chair. He’s a tall, slim, dignified looking man around 40. He’s dressed in a mostly black neo Victorian ensemble. His black tousled hair is chin length and frames his face softening his angled features. A pair of slightly tinted round spectacles rest in the lower part of his nose revealing his piercing crystal blue eyes lined with smoky charcoal eyeliner.

Seated across from him is the patient. She is a porcelain skinned young woman with white and purple hair immaculately coifed into 2 horns elaborately decorated with ribbons, feathers and jewels. Her green eyes are rimmed with dramatic long eyelashes and black eyeliner that gradually fades into red complementing her deep scarlet lips. She is wearing a shiny black latex and pvc ballgown with a tightly corseted bodice held together with chunky chrome clasps.

The psychiatrist begins their session by showing the patient as series of ink blot images that appear to be morphing and distorting in front of the patient’s eyes. He presents her the first image.

PSYCHIATRIST

“Tell me what you see”

PATIENT

“A bride and groom”

The image begins to distort after she gives her answer.

PATIENT

“Wait! It’s a fist.”

The image continues to distort.

PATIENT

“No! It’s rape.” 

The psychiatrist then directs the patient over to an easel with a blank canvas and directs her to start painting. She picks up the largest brush she can and loads it with black and red paint. She slaps the paint on to the canvas and violently spreads the paint around mixing the colors together with her brush strokes.

The patient focuses intently on the task at hand and continues to paint in a frenzy of creative madness. She steps back from the canvas indicating to the psychiatrist that she is finished. He approaches the canvas and stares at the painting. A mutilated woman with all four limbs hacked off is strapped to an operating table. Her mouth is pried open and she is being force fed through a large tube that leads to a vodka bottle suspended from an IV stand. She has been surgically altered and fitted with four tubes that attach to the ends of the stumps that used to be her arms and legs. The tubes lead to a tank where another human is being grown inside.

The psychiatrist questions his patient as to the significance of the imagery. The patient explains that it’s a visual metaphor for how she used substance abuse to cope with domestic violence, and through the use of various substances created an alter ego. Her alter ego is The Hedonist, a woman who escapes her pain by stimulating the pleasure center of the brain. However through her hedonism, she became an addict. Her demons of addiction held her down and trapped her into a vicious cycle that seemingly had no escape, until she realized that to escape the control of her abuser she had to first stop abusing herself.    

I'm Not Perfect And That's OK

One of the most profound realizations that I came to while going through alcohol recovery 8 years ago was that I'm human and that means that I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. I was raised by a perfectionist to be a perfectionist. I come from a long line--on my mom's side at least--of chronic, nit-picking, judgmental perfectionists who are never satisfied with anything. There is always a reason to complain and point out the faults of others. Of course, they justify their finger wagging in the name of "constructive criticism," but the years of my childhood spent worrying that my I was never good enough, and the years of drowning myself in alcohol so I could just relax for once would beg to differ.

However, I've resolved to break the family tradition and just let myself be an imperfect human being. This is the reason that I've decided to post unfinished tracks on my soundcloud for my fans to listen to. I have versions of songs without any pitch correction on the vocals to show the world and remind myself that much like my art, I am a work in progress. I work to better myself and my craft, but I will never be perfect. So I invite you to enjoy this imperfect unfinished instrumental backing track for my song This Is Real.

New Album Art For Hedonist

For those of you who don't already know this, for each song that I write I also do a painting to convey visually the concept behind the song. I'm currently mixing my song Hedonist which is about a time in my life when I was in an abusive relationship. The strange thing about abuse is that it's a vicious cycle that perpetuates itself. In my case, I was being abused mentally and physically, and instead of breaking the cycle of abuse by leaving the situation, I stayed and medicated myself by indulging in various forms of hedonism, the most notable being alcohol, drugs, over-eating and sex addiction. My drugs of choice were enough of an escape to make a terrible situation bearable enough to endure despite the fact that I was squandering my life away and my addictions were transforming me into an entirely different person. Unfortunately, that person I became was someone who didn't give a fuck about anything, and the intelligent, creative, passionate person that I truly am was buried for several years.

My artwork for Hedonist is a visual representation of the concept of an addiction transforming a person into and alter ego and simultaneously mutilating and destroying the individual who has allowed themselves to remain the victim.

Cover Art for Hedonsit - The Birth Of Venus De Milo

Triple Threatin' It

I am now officially a triple threat, and here's the evidence. Of course, I can't take all the credit. The concept was Arcelia Ocana's, the director who hired me for her project "Mime Love."

This project originated when I asked her if she'd be interested in making a music video for my song "The Bottom Of The Glass." I sent her the painting and the song with a brief explanation about the song being about my addiction to alcohol. I guess it inspired her. She had a green screen project that she had to do for school and she wanted to use my story, my art, my music and my services as an actor. Of course, I'm not one to shun the spotlight so I said yes.

"Are You Real" is the official title of the video, and it features two of my songs, "It's Over" and "The Bottom Of The Glass." The background is green screened and flashes several images of my paintings for my Borg Queen music and visual art project Sex, Drugs, & Shiny Brass Poles. This video is really the true story behind the inspiration for starting Borg Queen and my concept for Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.

I wanted to do something where I could utilize all of my artistic skills, so I decided that I would make a series of paintings, and write a song for each painting. My eventual goal is to do a tour with theatre style rock opera performance for Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles, but I don't want to get too ahead of myself right now. I still have to finish painting and songwriting first. I've learned to apply the lessons in my recovery from alcoholism to my creative process. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Angst Makes For Good Art

So my personal life has been somewhat of a mess lately. The beautiful tapestry that was my relationship with my partner caught a snag about 2 years ago and began to unravel. As it unraveled we made numerous attempts to fix it, but to no avail, it was never the same again. It had become forever marred and over the past month it has become apparent that it's time to just let it go. Saying goodbye to a 4 and a half year relationship that started off with so much promise has been horrifically painful, and it's like walking around with a dagger in a still beating heart. With every pulse I am in agony.

This isn't a relationship blog so I'm not going into any further detail about the break-up, but there is something really great that has come of it all. My acting has never been better! Also my ability to sing and scream at the same time has returned too.

In the past week I was able to record a song that I had written about 2 years ago when my relationship started to really tank. The song wasn't written about my relationship with my then boyfriend, but was actually about me quitting drinking. At the time I started to notice the parallels between my dysfunctional relationship with my boyfriend and my dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, so I wrote "It's Over."

A few months ago I painted the corresponding painting. Interestingly enough it was at a time when it became apparent that the wedding that my then fiancee and I were supposed to have was never going to happen. The use of the bridal imagery and the wedding being cancelled are purely a bizarre coincidence. I didn't realize the connection until my mom asked me if the painting was about the wedding being cancelled. I used the bride because I needed something to symbolize an intimate relationship, and I needed something light colored to contrast against the dark background.

Now that it really is over, the real genuine pain that I feel makes it so much easier to scream-sing making the song much more effective. Also, with my acting I had to film something that required me to do a lot of crying and freaking out. No problem. All I had to do was release the emaotional flood gates and let the pain flow freely. Even in my last acting class my instructor noticed the difference.

Pain is a fact of life none of us can escape, but at least I've been able to take that pain and make some really good art.

Mission Accomplished

I love it when I can follow through my plans and they go off without a hitch. For the past week or so I've been vowing to myself and posting status updates on my facebook page that I've been working on a new song. Well, today I finally recorded the vocals and managed to do the mixing too. So it's been officially posted to my Borg Queen facebook fan page here http://www.facebook.com/pages/Borg-Queen-Music-Art-by-Jenny-Kirby/114645538575430?v=app_2436915755 It's titled The Bottom Of The Glass and as you can see here's the painting I did of the same title.

It's about the time in my life where things just couldn't have gotten any lower. I was horribly depressed, working as a stripper because I had just been laid off from my job as an artist for an indie video game company, and stuck in an abusive marriage drinking myself to death. My life had spiraled downward into an abyss that I had created for myself, and I felt completely helpless. Needless to say that I'm no longer there, and while it can be unsettling to revisit that time and place, it's strangely comforting and

inspiring to see how far I've come since then.

Focus & Projects On The Go

I just realized that I needed to give this little blog more of a specific focus. Mostly this is just a way to be more accountable to myself and track my progress.

I guess the first thing on the agenda would be to introduce myself. I am a visual artist, actor, dancer, singer/songwriter & musician. I recently took a medical leave of absence from my day job as an interior designer due to a recently developed neurological condition. So now that I'm not tied down to the daily grind of 9-5 I'll have a lot more time on my hands to persue my artistic goals in acting, music and art.

I'll be posting my progress in each one of my artistic endeavors regularly in this blog.

ACTING

Currently, I'm in the process of putting together a headshot/resume/demo package to send out to principal agents for TV, film and voice acting work. Part of this little arrangement is that I've agreed to paint a mural in exchange for acting classes and a voiceover demo. So far I have the head shots done and I've been in classes regularly since August 2009, plus I've done most of my voices for the voiceover demo. I still have a lot of work to do, like paint the mural for payment of my classes, record an on camera demo, and put together a resume. I'm hoping that in the next couple of weeks I'll be able to get all of this done.

MUSIC & ART - BORG QUEEN

"Borg Queen" is an integrated musical & visual art project that I'm working on. My goal with this is to combine all of my talents into one project. I have a series of paintings I'm working on under the central theme of SEX, DRUGS & SHINY BRASS POLES, and I'm in the process of writing a song for each one. This is somewhat of a concept album/piece. It's about the life of a young woman who falls into addiction and gets swept up in the simultaneously appealing & repelling world of exotic entertainment. It's based upon my own personal experiences in the exotic entertainment industry. It chronicles my struggles with alcoholism, my recovery and sober life afterward in the most unlikely of places - a strip club.

These are the paintings I've completed so far:

SEX, DRUGS & SHINY BRASS POLES

THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

IT'S OVER

MY RESURRECTION

I've also set up a You Tube channel for this project at http://www.youtube.com/user/BorgQueenMusic

I also have a facebook fan page for Borg Queen at http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Borg-Queen-Music-Art-by-Jenny-Kirby/114645538575430

I'll be posting my songs there as I complete them.

Well that's it for now. It's time to start my day, get dressed, walk my dogs & start recording some vocals for my next song. Stay tuned.