If Only

Chronic pain and depression are the cruelest mistress for the body that craves movement and the soul that desires to live life to it's fullest. This is my daily struggle.  I'm not looking for pity. Pity is counter productive. Pity reinforces the justification of remaining idle and not seizing the day. It may take 2-3 hours every morning of slowly stretching my body to the point that I can get my ass moving, but it eventually does happen.

I guess what I resent most about having fibromyalgia is that managing it to the point where I can function and be productive uses up a lot of time. As a self-employed artist, who makes a living off various art-related income sources, time management is crucial. Time after all is our most precious commodity and I really hate that managing my pain takes up a very significant portion of my day.

There's a battle going on between my body and my mind. I have to resist the urge daily to lose myself in the "if only" mentality. "If only I didn't have fibromyalgia. If only I had more money. If only I was younger and had more energy. If only I had more time to dedicate to creating." Everybody has an "if only" that gets in the way of their path to happiness. It's not my health or financial situation or lack of time that are the obstacles to happiness, it's the trap of "if only." It's the lack of contentment that is the real obstacle. "If only" is a cop out. It legitimizes being miserable. 

So how do I avoid the trap? First of all, letting go of entitlement is key. No one is entitled to be happy. In fact, entitlement is the first step down the path that leads to misery. So instead of entitlement, embrace gratitude.

Secondly, I need to accept that no one is immune to hardship, pain and obstacles. Instead of viewing them as unfair, they need to be viewed as an integral part of human existence. Once you get over the "unfairness" it's a lot easier to cope with the difficulties that life throws our way.

Finally most importantly, pay it forward. We've all been blessed with something we have in abundance. It may be talent, or time or money. What it is doesn't matter so much as what we do with it. This one is a spiritual principle for me that has never let me down. Whenever I give, I am never left wanting. Whenever I let go, I never lose. Try it for yourself. I promise it works.

What Matters Most

Life is not without it's challenges. As a privileged North American, I've grown accustomed to living a life of convenience. Our entire economy is driven by industries who pedal products and services aimed at making every interaction in our lives more convenient. Obviously, this has it's advantages, but there is a serious problem that has arisen from it. We have come to view challenges not as an opportunity for growth, but rather see them as grave injustices that we don't deserve to be subject to.

In the past week I've encountered some very significant challenges. Specifically, I'm being drawn back into a legal battle with my ex husband for the 4th time since I left him. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm due to release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears in March and there are several costly steps involved in that process. Having to go to court again is going to deplete my resources, and I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to get everything done in time for the release. Going to court costs money and time. The financial cost is an annoyance, but what really pisses me off is the amount of time I'm going to have to dedicate to dealing with a person who seemingly takes a perverse pleasure in making my life more difficult.

This is where my resolve begins to falter and I am tempted to adopt a victim mentality. I ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he just leave me alone? Is it not enough that he controlled my life for 7 years? Is it not enough that he has never had to face the legal consequences of inflicting violence one me? Is it not enough that he is still able to control me to some degree through our son?" While it is a fact that I was a victim of his physical and psychological violence, I cannot allow myself to become a victim of my circumstances. Is it fair that I have to keep dealing with someone who has abused me for years? No, but life isn't fair and I shouldn't expect it to be fair or easy.

I am discouraged at the moment, but I cannot allow myself to wallow. I have to remind myself of the things that really do matter and let go of my attachments. Because I let go of my attachment to money several years ago, the financial repercussions of this legal battle aren't something that I'm going to worry myself sick over. What I am really struggling with is the time I'm going to have to sacrifice. I feel like my time could be better spent working on my EP release.

Ultimately it's my attachment to my identity as an artist that I need to let go of. I'm angry because I've worked so hard up to this point and I feel like it's all falling apart at the most critical moment. What I really need to remember is that my identity as an artist is not what matters. What matters is how I use my art to affect the world around me. Being an artist doesn't matter unless it has a positive impact on people's lives. Period.

I am grateful for an upcoming opportunity that I have to exhibit my art at the Taboo Show in Vancouver from February 2nd-4th. I'm sure my ego will be stroked by the experience and I'll make some money from selling prints, but what matters most is the connection I'll make with people by sharing my story of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. It's a story that I chose to share with the world because I wanted to give people hope. I want show them that their value is not determined by their job, social status, abilities or wealth. Value is intrinsic and no person or life circumstance can take that away.

Follow this link for more information about the event

Letting Go Of Bullshit Attachments

Ahhhh Monday morning! Unlike a good portion of the working population, I quite like Mondays. Mind you, I am fortunate enough to do something I really enjoy, and I generally work from the comfort of my own home. Working in my pajamas is something I try really hard not to take for granted because there was a time, roughly about 2 and a half years ago when I used to drag myself to my interior design job and ask myself over and over again "Why am I still here?"

The reason was fear of losing my so-called life because I had formed attachments to a bunch of stuff within it. After all, working a 9-5 for an established company afforded me financial stability to do all that adult shit we're "supposed" to be doing like getting a mortgage, having a family, owning a car etc. It's an ideal so ingrained into North American culture, that if we don't acquire these things by the time we're 30, we've been programmed to feel like we've failed in some spectacular way. The reality of it is, it's all fucking bullshit! The house, the car, the picture perfect family is all an illusion of happiness. I can say that as someone who briefly succumbed to following the status quo rather than her dreams.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Even the family?" Hell yeah, even the family! When you have a family, it's not something you possess, it's 2 or more relationships in very close quarters that require a significant emotional investment for decades of your life. In the case of children, it's a very one-sided relationship with a rapidly changing human that you may or may not be compatible with. Not to mention you're morally and legally responsible for this ungrateful developing person for at least 18 years. The bottom line is that family relationships are hard work and not the picture perfect Hallmark card-Anne Geddes baby-HGTV bullshit we've all been fed our entire lives. Anyway, I digress...The point is, that none of that stuff will bring happiness or satisfaction unless you have already learned to be content on your own and without any assets to your name.

I know it to be true because the happiest moment of my life was 12 years ago shortly after I left my first husband. I had nothing. I let him keep all the stuff. I was living well below the poverty line in a modest rental house with my mom and 3-year-old son. By all North American societal standards I was a failure. Except I wasn't, because I was still me. In fact, after letting go of all my attachments, I was more me than I had ever been before. It was in that moment that I began to paint again. This painting you see below is what I painted. 9 more followed and became the series known as Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.

Then I dusted off my guitar that I hadn't touched in years and began to write music and lyrics again. That place of zero attachment was where I gave birth to Borg Queen. Letting go of all that other bullshit left me with just myself. I had to learn to be ok with just myself, flaws and all. I had to accept my situation and not allow myself to feel entitled to a so-called "better situation." I had to learn to live in the present and work with the resources within myself.

I'm not saying that all that adult stuff like a house, a car and family is a bad thing or makes a person less enlightened in any way. I'm older now, and I have accumulated some adult stuff along the way like a house, car and family. I'm grateful for what I do have, but those things do not make me a success. In fact, I have to be very wary not to form attachments to them. If I use them as a measuring stick to determine my worth, I lose sight of the place within myself which is where my true value and happiness lies.

I learned to be content in my current situation, whatever it may be. I have to carry that lesson around with me and remember to be grateful for what I do have, whether it be a little or a lot. Currently the fact that I'm sitting here writing this in my pajamas and afterwards I get to work on some new music for my upcoming EP after I go swimming, is a helluva a lot to be grateful for. 

Art Is My Bitch

"I am the artist equivalent of a controlling spouse"

It's been a whirlwind of activity for me as of late. I've had 3 projects on the go, a short film called 'Triggered', building props for 'Arrow' and working on my upcoming EP of course. On top of it all I've been trying to take better care of myself by engaging in a daily physical self-care routine of yoga, weight lifting and swimming. Taking care of myself has been harder for me than I care to admit. This is due to the fact that I don't like to admit that there's anything wrong with me that would require me to take time away from my creative pursuits. I am after all, addicted to being busy.

Unfortunately this constant productivity isn't sustainable because as much as I hate to admit it, I am not a machine, I am a human being, and a somewhat physically frail one at that. I have fibromyalgia, and if I don't take the time to manage it's symptoms through proper diet, adequate sleep, exercise and relaxation techniques, it will flare up to the point where I will be literally bed ridden for days at a time. Coming to terms with this over the past few years has been difficult lesson in humility. However, it's also helped me grow as person and realize that there's no shame in acknowledging my limitations and asking for help.

I am by nature independent and work best alone. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of other people, I just enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that I get from working on something that's 'just mine.' I'm the artist's equivalent of a controlling spouse who needs to know that I'm "the one" when it comes to my relationship with my art.

A relationship is what really boils down to when I look at the role creating art plays in my life. It's my companion, a source of entertainment, it gives me a sense of purpose and pride. It provides a psychological, emotional and physical release that is sometimes extremely sexually driven. It's a relationship that is constantly evolving and eventually will serve as my legacy. You could say that creating art is in many ways like having a spouse and children.

The problem is that for me I have sacrificed other critical areas of my life for this relationship. It's the same principle as when someone neglects themselves to care for a spouse or their children and doesn't take any "me" time for themselves. It's an unhealthy relationship situation and I'm starting to realize it.

After going on a solo vacation this past November and letting go of a lot of attachments I've resolved to take better care of myself and lead a more balanced lifestyle when it comes to my relationship with my art. I'm still going to work hard and continue to nurture my craft, but you could say that me and my art have decided to have an open relationship. I'll be allowing more people into my creative process and hopefully collaborating more with other artists on other projects. Most importantly though, I'm going to continue to put my physical and mental well being first.

New Killer Remix!!!! HEDONIST

A while ago I put out my feelers to see if anyone wanted to remix my song Hedonist. I got a couple nibbles and I wanted to share with you this amazing version of it done by metal producer and guitarist Blaize Caverly of Axon Rise. I'm really diggin' their stuff and I highly recommend taking a moment to discover more of their catalogue on You Tube.

I really love this arrangement of the song and the dynamics are fantastic. Listen for yourself.

If you dig it, it is available as a free download if you're on my email list. If you haven't already signed up you can do so here 

Fuck You!

This "fuck you" goes out to the three people who 1 year ago through their actions and inaction destroyed a rather large piece of me. I just got back from my therapy session and while my plan was to work on some vocal editing for my new EP, I've decided to confront the 3 people who were instrumental in facilitating the loss of my sexual autonomy.

First of all, I just want to say "Fuck you Chris!" How dare you use your position as a massage therapy student to get me naked and touch me in a context that under ordinary circumstances I would never consent to. You knew that I would never go for a guy like you, so you saw your chance to get a piece of me and took it. Not only that, but you tried to hide behind a veil of ignorance despite the fact that I uncovered your sexual motivations and you admitted them to me during and after the fact. Did you think you could trick me? Did you think that I was that stupid or naive to believe that you were simply touching me in a medically therapeutic way? Fuck you! You're the worst kind of perpetrator. You're the kind that says they're an ally of feminist causes. Someone who claims to stand up against misogyny, but when you violate a woman's sexual autonomy, instead of taking responsibility, you deflect it and try to justify your actions.

Fuck you for contacting my mother and trying to garner her sympathy. How dare you try to manipulate her into thinking that it was a simple misunderstanding. Just because you got suspended from school for a week while they were deciding your professional fate DOES NOT MAKE YOU THE VICTIM. How dare you try to make people feel sorry for you! You're just as bad as every other rapist and sex offender who denies what they did and blames the victim.
Fuck you, you fucking coward!!!

Fuck you Shauna! You're just as culpable as Chris. You were his instructor and you even walked in on what was happening. You were fully aware that Chris had violated professional boundaries. You were apologetic enough to make me feel like you were on my side, but I now realize that you were just doing your due diligence to protect the school from any legal repercussions. You lied when you told me that the school was taking this seriously. Had they taken it seriously Chris would have been expelled. He wasn't, and removing him from the student clinic for a week and providing him with "additional education" is hardly a "serious repercussion." You know what was a serious repercussion though? Slipping into such a horrible depression that I was seriously contemplating suicide this time last year. I fought to live, though and now I'm here to tell you...FUCK YOU!

Fuck you Constable Weise! I'm not entirely confident that you deserve the "fuck you," but since I as a victim have to take one for a justice system that's set up so that we don't condemn the innocent, you're gonna have to take this "fuck you" on behalf of the same justice system that allows victims to be re-victimized. Maybe you did your job to the best of your ability? After all it's the Crown that approves charges, right? Well, you represent the Crown in this case, so you know what? FUCK YOU!!! How much fucking evidence do you need? There was a witness and I even provided you with text messages from Chris where he clearly indicated his sexual intentions! Did you not take this seriously because his penis never penetrated my body? Was it just not worth prosecuting using public funds because it wasn't a violent rape? I can tell you as someone who has been raped that I feel just as violated by this. My sexual autonomy was violated. Period. Maybe you're one of the few lucky women who can't say #MeToo but as far as I'm concerned you are an instrumental cog in the machine that protects sex offenders and allows them to go free while their victims have to live with the aftermath.

To all three of you. My life has been in shambles the past year. My ability to earn an income has been greatly affected due to the impact this has had on my mental and physical health. I've missed a lot of work and work opportunities as a result. This has affected my ability to pay bills and put a significant financial strain on my family. The anxiety and depression I've experienced as a result of this debacle has aggravated my fibromyalgia and caused me to have flare ups that are excruciatingly painful. Every day I'm in agony, and I'm too freaked out now to go see a massage therapist to help me with my physical discomfort.

The loss of sexual confidence I've experienced has made navigating intimate relationships a nightmare. Sex, which was literally the ultimate high for me on a physical, psychological and emotional level, has all but been destroyed. I get no thrill out of it anymore. I've tried doing things to "spice it up" but since you stripped my sexual confidence away, I no longer feel sexually empowered. I feel like an insecure girl in puberty, unsure of herself, sexually frustrated and timid. The worst part is that I'm fully aware of what I've lost and I don't know how I can get it back.

I know this wasn't really post about my music or my art, but what happened to me has impacted me on such a profound level that it does spill into my creative life. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for worse. It depends on the day and if I'm able to overcome the pain and fatigue I feel every morning. So, you know what? I'm going to say "fuck you" on more time. Fuck you pain. Fuck you depression. Fuck you anxiety. Fuck you fibromyalgia. Fuck you lack of sexual confidence. Fuck you criminal justice system. Fuck you sexual perpetrators and your enablers. Fuck you everyone and everything that get in the way of living my life to it's fullest potential!

I feel slightly better now, so I'm gonna go finish up editing a song I wrote when my sexual confidence was still intact. You can preview it here if you want. Peace out.

If YOU Had A Billion Dollars?

A wise man once said, "where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." I wanted to learn more about the audience who supports me as an artist. I wanted to delve deep inside their hearts and discover their core values, so I asked them a question through Facebook and email:

"If someone gave you a billion dollars, how would you allocate the funds?"

I figured the way they allocated their treasure would indicate what they valued the most in life and reveal the contents of their hearts.

After reading all of the responses I noticed that what people valued most fell into 5 basic categories.

1. Self
2. Family and Loved Ones(close relationships)
3. Community
4. Purpose and Passion
5. The Greater Good

Self

These people aren't necessarily selfish just because they would take care of themselves first. The people who put themselves first, are realistic and practical. They understand the importance of taking care of themselves so that they can help those around them. Most of the respondents said that after taking care of themselves they'd help others.

Relationships

The people who gave their money to help loved ones are relationship oriented and value their family above everything else. By family, I don't necessarily mean relatives, but those closest to them. Relationship oriented people are incredibly loyal. They possess tremendous amount of gratitude for the people in their lives and as a result want to give back. These people are the best friends you could ever have.

Community

This one was interesting to me and I asked some of the people to elaborate. The need to belong and the sense of identity and pride that people gain from being part of a community is the core value here. These people are relationship oriented but on a broader scale. They love supporting those within their community even though they may not have a super close relationship with the individual. These people are generally take charge types and are great leaders and organizers.

 Debra's answer intrigued me and I wanted to know more about her "tribe."

 Douglas' answer warmed my heart and when you read that he's a white guy born in Mexico it goes to show that culture is way more about community than ethnicity.

 Just a bit of context on the next one...Raven is a huge supporter of independent artists  like myself, Ray Grieco of Genius of Nefarious and Tommy T of Diverje. He also runs my Borg Queen Facebook Group and several other groups within the industrial music community.

Purpose and Passion

As an artist this is one I can identify with very strongly. It's probably easier for a creative person to find purpose within their artistic craft than most occupations. People generally don't get into an art career for the money, they do it because they are passionate and feel like they can serve a higher purpose with their art. A couple people who are great examples of this are actor-screenwriter Kristof Le Jeune and screenwriter-propmaster Ken Hawryliw. I've had the great pleasure of working with and getting to know both these guys.

Ken Hawryliw someone who has an established career in the arts and has worked as a writer and in the props department for film and notable TV shows like Arrow, Battlestar Galactica and The X-Files.

The Greater Good

The people in this category are idealists. They look at big picture issues and tend to have a great sense of social responsibility. They also for better or worse subscribe themselves to a more rigid moral code. These are the people who spread ideas and push for social change. They are philosophers by nature and seek to change the world. I fall into this category for sure.

So what would you do with your billion dollars?

The reality is that nobody who responded has anywhere near a billion dollars, or do they? The truth is that each and everyone of us has something worth way more than a billion dollars. We have the capacity to love ourselves, our family and friends,our community, our passion and humanity in general. Not one of these categories is more important than the other. We as a society need people who place value in all of these categories. 

SELF: We need practical people who see the importance in taking care of themselves so they can help others. 

CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS: Everyone can benefit from having a generous, compassionate, appreciative person as their most loyal friend. 

COMMUNITY: We need the community oriented individuals who take action and make things happen. 

PASSION AND PURPOSE: We need people who are passionate and have discovered their purpose to inspire us to become a better version of ourselves. 

THE GREATER GOOD: We need the idealists to remind us that we are part of a bigger picture, and give us hope that we can build a better tomorrow.

What about actual currency?

If you did have a few spare dollars and wanted to get involved in my passion and purpose, I'd love to have you join me on Pledge Music. A $5 pledge gets you a pre-order of my upcoming EP plus exclusive EP updates and previews only available to pledgers.

JOIN ME ON PLEDGE MUSIC!