Mommy Issues

Don't get me wrong...I love my mom. She is one of the most caring, self-sacrificing, generous and genuinely ethical humans on the face of this planet. It's a shame that we don't see eye to eye and that we're both incredibly stubborn and steadfast in our beliefs. She's a perfectionist like me. She wants more than anything to do the "right thing" to the point that she suffers from horrific anxiety out of fear that she's making mistakes. Now, her perfectionism stems from the example her mother set for her. My grandmother is also a perfectionist, paralyzed by fear and overly critical of herself and others. Are we seeing a pattern here?

So, the point of this post is not to bash my mom and grandmother because despite their flaws they've given me everything. I wouldn't own a house if it weren't for their generosity. I wouldn't have been able to get my first album off the ground if it weren't for the fact that my mom moved in with me and looked after my kids. Sure, she was critical as fuck about my lack of domestic skills. She was also incredibly vocal about her moral objections to the dark, macabre and sexual nature of the content I create, but she's a 64 year old conservative woman who's never even smoked a cigarette, so what do you expect?

I stopped giving a fuck about what people thought of me in my teens. At this point in my life I'd say I'm a master of giving zero fucks about people's opinions. It doesn't bother me that my mom isn't a fan of my work. It doesn't resonate with her, and that's fine. What my biggest mommy issue is, and this goes back to my childhood is that she misunderstands my intent. I can't even tell you how many times I got in trouble because she thought I was doing something 'bad' when my intent was to do something helpful. Like the time I drew some flowers on a poster she was making, or when I tried painting the backyard patio with crayons.

She had the tendency to attach a moral judgment to everything. I was a closet Madonna fan growing up because my mom naturally disapproved of her brazen sexuality, so when she caught me at 5am fashioning a cone bra out of tin foil she was really upset. She went off about how grieved she was in her heart that I would want to create something so vulgar and want to emulate someone so morally defunct as Madonna. Growing up in her domain meant that all actions were either good or evil and that was a reflection of our souls. Needless to say that I grew up with this image of myself being disapproved of at my very core because I could rarely get things "right" in her eyes.

Is it true that she disapproves of who I am on a very intrinsic level? Probably not, but it's a belief of mine that's been fostered since childhood. I don't blame her, but I wish things were different. I wish I could have been honest with her about what was going on in my life without fear of having a moral judgment attached to everything. I know that she wishes that we could have been closer too. I pulled away and I still do because I fear that she can't accept me. I feel like the truth of who I am would cause her too much stress and grief. I fear that she can reconcile the fact that despite my liberal views and unapologetic sexuality I still have morals...strong ones. I still have a strong connection to faith in something much greater than myself. I still aspire to using my talents and resources to make the world around me a better place. I wish she could just see the condition of my heart.

Lately she's really been making an effort to reach out to me. She's finally acknowledged that even though she doesn't "get" my art, she's glad that I've found an audience that appreciates it for what it is. She's been asking me for a while now to come visit her and spend some time together. Part of me really wants to, but I'm afraid to. We've never bonded, and I feel like at this point it's too late to find any common ground. I'm so used to keeping her at arms length. 

Something that I've really struggled with lately is the thought that one day she'll die, and I didn't make the effort to repair my relationship with her. The potential of this happening sooner rather than later is now becoming a reality. She ended up getting a blood clot in her leg last month and now the doctor thinks that she could have cancer. I'm terrified, not because she could die. Death is inevitable. If she died now, I would be consumed with guilt that I didn't try to make things better between us.

It's mother's day and I wish I had a better relationship with my mom. I wish I had a better relationship with myself as a mom. I wish I had a more positive view of other moms. Everything about motherhood leaves a bitter taste in my mouth because I have mommy issues. It's like the women who can't have a good relationship with a man because of their daddy issues. I have a tough time with mom stuff and getting close with other women.

My new EP has a song on it called 'Vampires.' It's about being a woman, being a mom and my general resentment of those roles within society. While 'Vampires' focuses more on the sociological role of women, I know that a lot of my resentment towards being a woman is rooted in my childhood and my relationship with my mom. 



I don't like to leave my blog posts on a sour note, so I am resolving to make the best effort that I can to reciprocate my mom's effort of reaching out to me. Like I said before, I don't blame her for anything. I'm the one who is responsible for how I choose to have a relationship with her, so I'm not going to push her away anymore because I feel like she doesn't get me. She doesn't have to get me. She gave me a life and that's enough.

For more information on my art and music project and to get 4 songs of mine as a free download visit my official website www.borg-queen-music.com

Mental Health Matters

My 2nd cousin died from an overdose a couple days ago. It's affected me in a very profound way even though I barely knew him. In fact, the last time I saw him was at his brother's memorial service 11 years ago. His brother incidentally died from an alcohol related accident. I'm extremely sad for their parents who have now lost two of their children, but I'm also angry. I'm angry because of the way we as a society stigmatize and treat people who abuse substances. We shame them. We blame them. We tell them things like "you're strong" and "you got this" and it's not helpful. If they were strong and could cope with their issues, they wouldn't be self-medicating.

Substance abuse and self-medication are a symptom of unchecked mental issues, and mental health is not just an issue for those who suffer from it's various conditions. It affects everyone. In a way, poor mental health is contagious. Being close to someone who suffers from poor mental health will eventually take it's toll on everyone around them. In my life right now the 5 people closest to me(including myself) are suffering from mental health issues. I know there's at least one person in your life that's dealing with something too. It may even be you.

"Mental health is a personal, relationship, family and community issue"

Personal

I have battled depression since childhood. The war against depression is not over, but I'm still here, so it means that I've won every battle so far. At least that's the way I like to look at it. So, if you're reading this and you suffer from a mental health condition it means that you're a warrior. I can tell you from personal experience that it's a lot more effective to fight a mental health battle with an army. If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health condition I strongly suggest seeking professional help. It may be one professional like a counselor or a team that includes a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist and/or social worker too. These professionals are experts in the field of 'broken people.' If your car is broken, you take it to a mechanic, right? You probably wouldn't just let it sit there and complain about it on Facebook. Well, maybe you would, but it wouldn't fix the car. The point is, seeking professional help is the first step to getting healthy.

I can also tell you from personal experience that multiple weapons for combating mental illness have more success in the long term than a singular approach. Medication may be helpful to balance brain chemistry, but so is regular exercise and proper nutrition. Relaxation techniques like yoga, deep breathing and meditation combat the physical effects of stress that aggravate mental illness. Having an emotional outlet is really important too. This could be talking to someone you trust or writing your thoughts feelings down. It's important to get them out. Personally, I see a counselor and I channel my demons into music and art. What I've learned over the years that I've had to fight my depression is the more weapons in my arsenal, the more successful I am.

Relationships

Relationship breakdowns usually involve mental health issues. It may be one or both parties. Any relationship I've had that's gone horribly wrong whether it be friendship, romantic or even business, poor mental health has played the biggest role. The thing about relationships is that they involve 2 parties and not just one, so even if one party is taking care of their mental health the relationship will still be toxic if the other party has unchecked mental health issues. 

The thing to remember about any relationship is that you are only responsible for yourself. If the other person in the relationship isn't taking responsibility for their own mental health, it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship and put some boundaries in place to preserve your own mental health. Putting up boundaries is hard. Sometimes it means limiting or cutting off contact with a person you love deeply until they decide to seek help.The old saying is true, "When you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go."

Family

Is there anything more complicated than family relationships? Not in my experience. There's the hereditary component. Conditions like bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia are genetic. There's also the fact that these people influenced you in your formative years. They're largely responsible for the state of your mental health. That being said, they are not responsible for your behavior. That's on you. 

If a child grows up in an environment with caregivers who suffer from mental health issues, that child will grow into an adult with mental health issues. I love my parents and in general they were good people who had my best interests at heart, but they had their own set of mental health problems. I grew up in the 80's and 90's. Back then having "mental health issues" meant that you were institutionalized. There wasn't the level of awareness that there is now. 

Familial roles were also more rigid back then. Men were supposed to be strong, women were supposed to be supportive and children were supposed to remain quiet. This meant that men couldn't ask for help because they would be considered weak. Women were expected to put up with all kinds of bullshit at the expense of their sanity and self preservation. Because the parents remained silent, kids grew up with the idea that their parents wouldn't understand what they were going through. Everyone suffered in silence.

Times have changed thankfully. Many of us kids who were afraid to talk to our parents now have a much more open line of communication with our kids. It's important for a kid to have a "safe adult" to talk to. If a child opens up to you about something they did or how they feel, the best thing you can do is listen without judgement.

Community

There needs to be more resources within communities to support people struggling with their mental health. Mental health education from early childhood should be mandatory in school curriculum. We need to elect governments on every level that recognize this. If you're able to do so, make charitable a donation to a reputable non-profit society that offers mental health support and services. Finally, as individuals with in a community we need to stop judging each other. Every single one of us is going to be affected by mental health issues in our life time. Self-medication isn't just drug and alcohol use. Medication, can be food, sex, entertainment, spirituality, exercise, work etc. None of these "medications" are unhealthy on their own. In moderation they contribute to mental wellness. The thing to remember is the difference between medicine and poison is in the dose.

I know this post wasn't directly about my art, but as an artist my subject matter is inspired by mental health issues. I believe strongly that it's important to have a conversation with my audience about these struggles that we all face, so we don't have to face them alone.

Art Is My Bitch

"I am the artist equivalent of a controlling spouse"

It's been a whirlwind of activity for me as of late. I've had 3 projects on the go, a short film called 'Triggered', building props for 'Arrow' and working on my upcoming EP of course. On top of it all I've been trying to take better care of myself by engaging in a daily physical self-care routine of yoga, weight lifting and swimming. Taking care of myself has been harder for me than I care to admit. This is due to the fact that I don't like to admit that there's anything wrong with me that would require me to take time away from my creative pursuits. I am after all, addicted to being busy.

Unfortunately this constant productivity isn't sustainable because as much as I hate to admit it, I am not a machine, I am a human being, and a somewhat physically frail one at that. I have fibromyalgia, and if I don't take the time to manage it's symptoms through proper diet, adequate sleep, exercise and relaxation techniques, it will flare up to the point where I will be literally bed ridden for days at a time. Coming to terms with this over the past few years has been difficult lesson in humility. However, it's also helped me grow as person and realize that there's no shame in acknowledging my limitations and asking for help.

I am by nature independent and work best alone. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of other people, I just enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that I get from working on something that's 'just mine.' I'm the artist's equivalent of a controlling spouse who needs to know that I'm "the one" when it comes to my relationship with my art.

A relationship is what really boils down to when I look at the role creating art plays in my life. It's my companion, a source of entertainment, it gives me a sense of purpose and pride. It provides a psychological, emotional and physical release that is sometimes extremely sexually driven. It's a relationship that is constantly evolving and eventually will serve as my legacy. You could say that creating art is in many ways like having a spouse and children.

The problem is that for me I have sacrificed other critical areas of my life for this relationship. It's the same principle as when someone neglects themselves to care for a spouse or their children and doesn't take any "me" time for themselves. It's an unhealthy relationship situation and I'm starting to realize it.

After going on a solo vacation this past November and letting go of a lot of attachments I've resolved to take better care of myself and lead a more balanced lifestyle when it comes to my relationship with my art. I'm still going to work hard and continue to nurture my craft, but you could say that me and my art have decided to have an open relationship. I'll be allowing more people into my creative process and hopefully collaborating more with other artists on other projects. Most importantly though, I'm going to continue to put my physical and mental well being first.

Fuck Traditional Motherhood!

"So what if I make music with strong language? So what if my music videos have nudity? So what if I've taken my clothes off  for money? None of these things a even remotely a factor in my relationship with my sons."


I'm a mom. I have 2 boys who I don't view as extensions of myself, but rather 2 people who I am responsible for mentoring and providing for their basic needs. Being a mom is not a job, career or occupation, for me it's a relationship. Relationships are as unique as the people involved and I personally think that when it comes to relationships nobody has the right to judge someone else's relationship.

I'm speaking from a very personal place right now because there is a woman who cyber stalks me routinely(once a month I am told) because she wants to ensure that I'm not doing anything that is inappropriate as a mother. She has been critical of my relationship with my son(s) for 6 years now and as much as I wish she would F.O.D. as Green Day so eloquently put it in their song F.O.D. from their album Dookie, I beginning to think that it's just wishful thinking on my part.

So what if I make music with strong language?
So what if my music videos have nudity?
So what if I've taken my clothes off  for money?

None of these things a even remotely a factor in my relationships with my sons. I'm not going to justify my "mommy-ness" by posting about all the shit I do that makes me look like a good mom, and believe me there's a lot of it. Why? Honestly because my relationship with my sons are sacred and private.

I'm an artist and a mom, but I was an artist first, so that's why I'm going to continue make art how I see fit and the people who deem it's inappropriate for me to make the art that I do just because miniature humans have slipped out of my vagina can suck my metaphorical dick. That is all.

Now enjoy these deliciously inappropriate stills of me from my last music video Lapdance Romance.

Angst Makes For Good Art

So my personal life has been somewhat of a mess lately. The beautiful tapestry that was my relationship with my partner caught a snag about 2 years ago and began to unravel. As it unraveled we made numerous attempts to fix it, but to no avail, it was never the same again. It had become forever marred and over the past month it has become apparent that it's time to just let it go. Saying goodbye to a 4 and a half year relationship that started off with so much promise has been horrifically painful, and it's like walking around with a dagger in a still beating heart. With every pulse I am in agony.

This isn't a relationship blog so I'm not going into any further detail about the break-up, but there is something really great that has come of it all. My acting has never been better! Also my ability to sing and scream at the same time has returned too.

In the past week I was able to record a song that I had written about 2 years ago when my relationship started to really tank. The song wasn't written about my relationship with my then boyfriend, but was actually about me quitting drinking. At the time I started to notice the parallels between my dysfunctional relationship with my boyfriend and my dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, so I wrote "It's Over."

A few months ago I painted the corresponding painting. Interestingly enough it was at a time when it became apparent that the wedding that my then fiancee and I were supposed to have was never going to happen. The use of the bridal imagery and the wedding being cancelled are purely a bizarre coincidence. I didn't realize the connection until my mom asked me if the painting was about the wedding being cancelled. I used the bride because I needed something to symbolize an intimate relationship, and I needed something light colored to contrast against the dark background.

Now that it really is over, the real genuine pain that I feel makes it so much easier to scream-sing making the song much more effective. Also, with my acting I had to film something that required me to do a lot of crying and freaking out. No problem. All I had to do was release the emaotional flood gates and let the pain flow freely. Even in my last acting class my instructor noticed the difference.

Pain is a fact of life none of us can escape, but at least I've been able to take that pain and make some really good art.

The Necessity Of Self-Indulgence

The fact that I'm blogging about myself as an artist is a pretty good indication of how self-indulgent I am. Artists in general are extremely self-indulgent, and the commercially successful artists are the ones who have learned to capitalize off it. Whether an artist is a writer, actor, musician or painter the bottom line is that the product they are selling is themselves. This makes a certain degree of self-indulgent behaviour a necessity for the career artist, but what happens when that oh so necessary trait spills over into our intimate relationships and begins to wreak havoc? Is it possible for the artist to be commercially successful and have a successful, monogamous lifetime partnership?

The answer is yes, BUT...


1. It's better not to get involved with another artist in the same field

There's a reason behind all of those divorces among Hollywood actors. Ego competition is a huge issue when it comes to pairing up with someone who is technically your competition. The artistic ego is huge, but extremely fragile. If it isn't constantly nurtured by the other partner, insecurities will begin to run rampant and conflict will ensue. There's also the jealousy factor. If both partners are equally as career driven and one achieves significantly more success it can cause feelings of resentment.

For me personally, I would never be able to date another visual artist, actor or musician. As much as we would have in common, I know myself too well, and I know that I would get competitive. It would probably drive me to succeed faster in the short run, but deep down I'd always be comparing myself to them artistically. I'll be the first to admit that when I'm taking a stroll through the Vancouver Art Gallery, I'm thinking to myself a lot of the time, "My stuff is equally as good if not better than half of this shit." I don't want to be thinking these thoughts about my life partner and their work. I think that's why my relationship with my partner works. He writes fantasy, and I have no interest in producing that genre in any medium whatsoever.


2. The artist's partner must be their #1 fan.

As artists we are our work, and we need to be recognized and applauded. As sad as this is, it's what validates us as people. It sounds sick, but that's why the artists gift is often the artist's curse. In every relationship, both parties need to feel loved and supported. For the artist, loving and supporting the artist's work is the same thing as loving and supporting the artist on a personal level. We wouldn't bother doing what we do publicly if it wasn't for our adoring fans, even if we just have one fan, and if we do just have one fan, it needs to be our partner.

I am very fortunate to finally have someone that is my #1 fan. He's my lifelong groupie, and I love him for it. Without his love of what I do, I wouldn't be driven to succeed like I am. My goal is to be able to one day be able to support him with the money that I make by just being me. In the mean time, I'll write songs and paint pictures about him, so he knows that it's not always just about me which brings me to my final point.


3. The artist must learn make a concentrated effort to not always make it just about themselves.

The artist has to accept and admit their self-indulgence. Much like the recovering alcoholic, this will free them to be able to take some responsibility for their behaviour. The artist must take and display a genuine interest in the other partner's life. I know this sounds obvious, but it's not something that comes naturally for the artist. It's not that we artists aren't interested in other people, it's more along the lines that we get so caught up in displaying ourselves constantly that we forget to show that we do think about other people.

Sometimes it's hard for the artist to get this because we are hard-wired to understand that we get attention by creating some kind of spectacular masterpiece. Also, most artists are introverted by nature and it's difficult to have to be the extrovert and take the first step to being sociable and starting a conversation, unless it's about something that we are an expert.

I personally find social situations awkward. I have a hard time at parties(unless I've been drinking) and social gatherings like family dinners and what not. I know that it comes across like I'm either very shy or antisocial, but I'm not. I love people and I have no problem being on a stage in front of thousands of them. I just have a hard time getting in on a group conversation, because I feel like I should only be talking if I have every body's full attention.

Thankfully, I know these things about myself and I know I have to make an effort to be more extroverted. After all, the product I am selling is myself and I'd hate to alienate my target audience.