If you follow me and my artistic adventures, you may have noticed that my online activity substantially decreased. I'll be honest, I really hate social media and I only use it to connect with fans. I've had to put Borg Queen on the back burner since November 2018 because I was burnt out and in a really unhealthy place. My primary focus for the past several months has been recovery and establishing healthier habits and a self care routine, but I've also been working as a concept artist on the CW series Arrow.
Though life is far from perfect and my circumstances haven't changed I've learned healthier ways of coping. Rather than bury myself with work and binge on my various vices I take time every day to swim and meditate. I've learned to ask for help rather than just try to do everything myself. I've stopped trying to fix other people's problems and focus only on improving and regulating myself. It hasn't been easy, and old habits are hard to break, but I've definitely noticed that I'm enjoying more serenity and obsessing less over situations that I have no control over. I'm slowly starting to come back.
A month ago my Mummo(Finnish grandma) died, and instead of stuffing my feelings I've allowed myself to greive and acknowledge the plethora of emotions that goes along with losing a loved one as uncomfortable as it may be at times. I decided that my return to Borg Queen should be gradual and organic and working through my Mummo's death has allowed me to return in exactly that way.
I recorded a song in Finnish which is my first language. My Mummo despite living in Canada for 50 years never learned to speak English so if I wanted to talk to her it had to be in Finnish. My last moments with her were spent at her bed side singing a song to her in Finnish that I had sung at a Finnish Christmas concert when I was 4. The song was called Suojelusenkeli which means guardian angel. It was written by Finnish poet Immi Hellen in 1884 in a time when it was common for people to die in infancy and childhood. The song is about a child traveling in the dark abyss of the afterlife who is guided home by a guardian angel.
So if you follow this blog I wanna say thanks and provide and explanation for not posting for several months. There's a big long story as to why but the short answer is I've been battling ongoing depression and PTSD related anxiety as the result of sexual assault, physical and psychlogical abuse. I've had to put some things be the wayside just to cope this blog being one of them. I've withdrawn and become reclusive. As much as I've tried to put up a brave front, I'm crumbling inside. The temptation has been to resort to the usual forms of comfort and for me that's binge eating and drinking.
I wish I could share in greater detail what specifically has been going on, but it violates the privacy of my family. I will say that chronic illness, addiction, cancer, sexual assault, criminal and civil legal problems are some of the things I've been dealing with.
I've been neglecting Borg Queen as a result. I had some really big plans for the release of my music video Hedonist, but unfortunately just didn't have the energy to pull it off. I've been trying really hard not to be too hard on myself and just accept that this is where things are at right now. It's hard though in a virtual world of image crafting not to feel like your life is somehow falling short. I'm addicted to productivity and accomplishment and since June I haven't been able to do much of anything artistically speaking because I've had to turn my attention to self care.
I hope that if you take anything from this post, it's that self care isn't selfish. Just because you have a job or 3, significant other, kids etc. doesn't mean you prioritize them before yourself. In fact, your well being is the priority otherwise over time every area of your life will begin to suffer including the relationships with the people you love the most. The analogy my therapist gave me is that when you're travelling with a child on an airplane and the cabin depressurizes, you must put on your own oxygen mask before you put one on the child. You must help yourself first before you can help others.
I'm not sure what the future will bring. Probably some decent artistic material though in light of the struggles I've been facing as of late. I'm not sure whe I'll start pumping out more content again, but in the mean time enjoy the creative fruit of some past traumas. Here's Hedonist. It's my victim impact statement for domestic violence and rape.
The voice answers my cry every time and says, "Just be."
I was sitting on an old cedar log in the woods when the words above and below came to me. The tree that was now a rotting "nursery log" with new trees growing out of it got me thinking that no matter where we are in our life cycle we always have a purpose. So I scrawled down the words below, so I could turn them into one of those branded inspirational meme things that people seem to love(or hate).
The hardest part is knowing who you are. There are so many voices telling us throughout life who we are because of what we are. We get told by society, our parents, teachers and authority figures who we are and those early influences hold so many pre-conceived notions of who we are simply because of what we are. By what, I mean our gender, age, race, nationality, social status etc.
The second hardest part is figuring out what to do. The decisions we make in life are very much influenced by who we believe ourselves to be. If we've been influenced our entire lives by other people's opinions of who we are then what we do is also going to be determined by other people. See the problem here?
So let's go back to the "Who are you" question...only YOU can answer that. By who you are I don't mean what is your job title, relationship status, gender or race. Who you are is intrinsic. You can call it your spirit or soul or consciousness depending on your system of beliefs. The point is that it would remain the same if it were to be transplanted into another body, in another place and time. It is the essence of YOU! Nobody can tell you who you are. You just are. You are a unique individual and therefore you realize that just being who you are on your own is enough, it's time to decide where and how you're going to be your badass self.
There may be some limitations on what you can do or at least the capacity in which way you go about it. Those limits can be:
- Physical
- Circumstancial
- Technological
- Societal
- Personal
- Relational
- Financial
I believe the greatest limitation is the physical element of time. There simply isn't enough time to do everything we can or want to do. So the starting point in figuring out what to do could be to ask yourself, "What is the most worthwhile use of my time?"
There are a lot of things a person can do with their time, but determining which ones or the most worthwhile is key. I chose to be an artist rather than a lawyer or scientist because I felt it was a better use of my time. My ability to analyze, interpret and communicate could have been put to good use in the legal or scientific research fields, but I felt that in combination with my other skills and interests being an artist ultimately is a more worthwhile use of my time.
Where we fulfill our life's purpose is one of those things in which we have the least amount of choice. We have no choice under what circumstances we are born. The country, moment in history, who are parents are and the choices other people make impact our lives and we don't have any control over those factors. Life isn't fair. Some of us are born into far more favorable circumstances than others, but no matter where we are in life, we can still fulfill our purpose as long as we don't lose sight of WHO we are.
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Sometimes I wish I could just be normal, but I can't and I never could. I tried it once when I was 13, and I sucked at it. My peers could see right through it, even though I dressed and tried to act normal so I could fit in, I was still an outcast. It's like I emanate this aura of weirdness that people instinctively pick up on. I'm ok with not fitting in, and being a weirdo. It's fine because I've been practicing the art of giving zero fucks for years now. Ironically the fewer fucks I give about people liking me, the more people like me.
When I say that I wish I could be normal, I mean that I wish I could just be content living a life of mediocrity and conforming to the status quo. I feel like if I could just be normal then my marriage wouldn't have collapsed and I would have closer relationships with my other immediate family members. A life less ordinary has left it's scars, but then again no one gets out of this life unscathed.
It's weird, because I've done all that normal shit you're supposed to do without the intent of ever doing it. I've been married, reproduced and I own a home. I don't know why those are the things that as North Americans we strive to achieve. I'm certainly not content to just be a homeowner, wife and mom. I kinda wish I was, because I feel like life would be less complicated. I ask myself all the time, "Are all of those happy wives and moms on Facebook actually as happy as they claim to be? Is having a husband and children really that completely fulfilling for them? Are their kids really their world? Why is it that other women can be perfectly content with doing the wife-mom thing, but for me it's not enough?" The answer is...
I cannot exist without creating. I thought about this the other day as I was walking along the pier, at night, in the rain, by myself...having a conversation with an imaginary version of a friend. I don't mean an imaginary friend, but I mean a person that I know in my real life that I imagine to be there with me in that moment. Weird? Who knows, and really I don't care because it's how I figure shit out.
I asked the imaginary version of my friend, "If I were stranded on an island where I could survive, how would I occupy my time?"
He responded, "I don't think you'd spend your time making a home for yourself. You'd probably find a cave to live in, and that'd be good enough for you. I could see you making up a story, but not just writing it down. I could see you building entire sets with characters in them like a 3D comic book."
I was like, "Yeah! That's totally what I'd do! It mirrors what I do right now anyway. I don't spend my time at fucking Bed, Bath & Beyond shopping for housewares with my significant other on the weekend. I'm not a homemaker. I'm a world creator, perhaps at the expense of letting my domestic life crumble, but I can't help it. Even if I were in a situation where all of my material comforts were stripped away, I'd still be compelled to create."
So here I am. My domestic world in ruins and still creating. Normal? No. A life worth living? Hell yeah! My song Serial Killer from my new EP 'Blood Sweat Tears'is about living in an unorthodox domestic situation with an ex-partner. It's like a post-apocalyptic relationship where you're struggling to survive, and salvaging what's left.
So what is normal? I mean, there's the status quo societal norms that we're all under some kind of pressure to conform to, but none us are really normal. Maybe we lead so-called normal lives on the outside, but on the inside is this whole different plane of existence. What I've learned about being normal is that your inside world is YOUR normal. Embrace it. The truer we are to living in our outside world as the person we truly are on the inside, the more content and fulfilled our every day life will feel, even if it's a big mess for the time being like mine is right now.
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Don't get me wrong...I love my mom. She is one of the most caring, self-sacrificing, generous and genuinely ethical humans on the face of this planet. It's a shame that we don't see eye to eye and that we're both incredibly stubborn and steadfast in our beliefs. She's a perfectionist like me. She wants more than anything to do the "right thing" to the point that she suffers from horrific anxiety out of fear that she's making mistakes. Now, her perfectionism stems from the example her mother set for her. My grandmother is also a perfectionist, paralyzed by fear and overly critical of herself and others. Are we seeing a pattern here?
So, the point of this post is not to bash my mom and grandmother because despite their flaws they've given me everything. I wouldn't own a house if it weren't for their generosity. I wouldn't have been able to get my first album off the ground if it weren't for the fact that my mom moved in with me and looked after my kids. Sure, she was critical as fuck about my lack of domestic skills. She was also incredibly vocal about her moral objections to the dark, macabre and sexual nature of the content I create, but she's a 64 year old conservative woman who's never even smoked a cigarette, so what do you expect?
I stopped giving a fuck about what people thought of me in my teens. At this point in my life I'd say I'm a master of giving zero fucks about people's opinions. It doesn't bother me that my mom isn't a fan of my work. It doesn't resonate with her, and that's fine. What my biggest mommy issue is, and this goes back to my childhood is that she misunderstands my intent. I can't even tell you how many times I got in trouble because she thought I was doing something 'bad' when my intent was to do something helpful. Like the time I drew some flowers on a poster she was making, or when I tried painting the backyard patio with crayons.
She had the tendency to attach a moral judgment to everything. I was a closet Madonna fan growing up because my mom naturally disapproved of her brazen sexuality, so when she caught me at 5am fashioning a cone bra out of tin foil she was really upset. She went off about how grieved she was in her heart that I would want to create something so vulgar and want to emulate someone so morally defunct as Madonna. Growing up in her domain meant that all actions were either good or evil and that was a reflection of our souls. Needless to say that I grew up with this image of myself being disapproved of at my very core because I could rarely get things "right" in her eyes.
Is it true that she disapproves of who I am on a very intrinsic level? Probably not, but it's a belief of mine that's been fostered since childhood. I don't blame her, but I wish things were different. I wish I could have been honest with her about what was going on in my life without fear of having a moral judgment attached to everything. I know that she wishes that we could have been closer too. I pulled away and I still do because I fear that she can't accept me. I feel like the truth of who I am would cause her too much stress and grief. I fear that she can reconcile the fact that despite my liberal views and unapologetic sexuality I still have morals...strong ones. I still have a strong connection to faith in something much greater than myself. I still aspire to using my talents and resources to make the world around me a better place. I wish she could just see the condition of my heart.
Lately she's really been making an effort to reach out to me. She's finally acknowledged that even though she doesn't "get" my art, she's glad that I've found an audience that appreciates it for what it is. She's been asking me for a while now to come visit her and spend some time together. Part of me really wants to, but I'm afraid to. We've never bonded, and I feel like at this point it's too late to find any common ground. I'm so used to keeping her at arms length.
Something that I've really struggled with lately is the thought that one day she'll die, and I didn't make the effort to repair my relationship with her. The potential of this happening sooner rather than later is now becoming a reality. She ended up getting a blood clot in her leg last month and now the doctor thinks that she could have cancer. I'm terrified, not because she could die. Death is inevitable. If she died now, I would be consumed with guilt that I didn't try to make things better between us.
It's mother's day and I wish I had a better relationship with my mom. I wish I had a better relationship with myself as a mom. I wish I had a more positive view of other moms. Everything about motherhood leaves a bitter taste in my mouth because I have mommy issues. It's like the women who can't have a good relationship with a man because of their daddy issues. I have a tough time with mom stuff and getting close with other women.
My new EP has a song on it called 'Vampires.' It's about being a woman, being a mom and my general resentment of those roles within society. While 'Vampires' focuses more on the sociological role of women, I know that a lot of my resentment towards being a woman is rooted in my childhood and my relationship with my mom.
I don't like to leave my blog posts on a sour note, so I am resolving to make the best effort that I can to reciprocate my mom's effort of reaching out to me. Like I said before, I don't blame her for anything. I'm the one who is responsible for how I choose to have a relationship with her, so I'm not going to push her away anymore because I feel like she doesn't get me. She doesn't have to get me. She gave me a life and that's enough.
For more information on my art and music project and to get 4 songs of mine as a free download visit my official website www.borg-queen-music.com
I'm a 90's teen and a huge entertainment staple back then was the music video. I love music videos and as a musician and visual artist they are my favorite medium for communicating artistic content. Growing up watching music videos in the I was enamored by the visuals which often included a 'video chick.' Generally speaking these women were placed in the videos to be eye candy and it worked because who doesn't like looking at a beautiful woman? If Instagram has taught us anything, it's that people still like to stare at meticulously crafted visuals featuring hot women.
I recently had the pleasure of getting to work on the Edges Of Seven music video 'Cave Wall.' At first I was just going to do some behind the scenes stuff like wardrobe, props and scenic art, but then I was asked to be in it as well. I jumped at the chance because for starters I'm a HUGE fan of Edges Of Seven and it's secretly been one of my bucket list items as a performer to be in a music video that wasn't my own.
The character I play is a parody of an Instagram model. Being a long time wannabe video vixen, I found the concept to be deliciously ironic and couldn't wait to ham it up on camera. The eyes moving around in the creepy masks are mine too. So without further delay...HERE IT IS!!!
If you read this blog before, you'll have noticed that my posts have a mental health and psychology angle. As a content creator, I believe I have a responsibility to use my talents and influence for a positive purpose. Mental health is near and dear to my heart because it's something I've struggled with my entire life. I try to be as transparent as possible with my struggles and triumphs because I believe that the best art is honest, raw and unapologetic in nature. That being said, I have to confess something...I'm burning out big time.
The past 3 years has been a time of tremendous growth for me as an artist. I left behind a secure decently paid job as an interior designer to pursue a career as an independent artist. I've been burning the candle at both ends the entire time working 80 hours a week not just on my music and art, but also film projects and other creative gigs to help pay the bills(plus I'm a mom). My investment has paid off in many ways as I've been able to fund the completion of two albums and 3 high production value music videos. My fan base and visibility is constantly growing and I'm so grateful for all of the support I've received. However, my forward momentum has come at a very steep price...my health.
Because I have fibromyalgia my physical health is very fragile. Admittedly, I don't take care good enough care of myself for someone who has a chronic illness and even if I didn't have a medical condition I push myself too hard. If I'm to be perfectly honest, my obsessive need to be productive is a mental illness in an of itself. It's something I now have to address because I've reached my breaking point. I'm literally writing this post from bed because I'm completely incapacitated.
My life has become unmanageable and I need help. Thankfully I do see a therapist weekly for other issues and last week I finally admitted my desperate need to address my workaholism. I had to admit to that it has been a form of self-medication and a coping mechanism to keep me from falling apart during the breakdown of life as I know it. The thing about my drive and need to be productive is that it isn't negative if kept it check. My therapist likened my work addiction to a compulsive over-eating disorder. When some is a compulsive over eater the treatment isn't to abstain from eating entirely. We agreed that my drive to create and be productive is necessary for my mental well-being, but the trick is to strictly regulate my workload, and make sure that I engage in a proper physical self-care routine.
For the next little while I'm going to be taking a mental and physical health break to get my life back on track. I want to make it clear that I'm not quitting or giving up, but I do need to take a bit of time to just focus on getting healthy again. After I release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears April 30th, I won't be working on any new material until I've achieved a better work-life balance. I had planned to start working on 2 films that would feature my music plus a new album, but that will have to be put on hold...for now.
