The voice answers my cry every time and says, "Just be."
I was sitting on an old cedar log in the woods when the words above and below came to me. The tree that was now a rotting "nursery log" with new trees growing out of it got me thinking that no matter where we are in our life cycle we always have a purpose. So I scrawled down the words below, so I could turn them into one of those branded inspirational meme things that people seem to love(or hate).
The hardest part is knowing who you are. There are so many voices telling us throughout life who we are because of what we are. We get told by society, our parents, teachers and authority figures who we are and those early influences hold so many pre-conceived notions of who we are simply because of what we are. By what, I mean our gender, age, race, nationality, social status etc.
The second hardest part is figuring out what to do. The decisions we make in life are very much influenced by who we believe ourselves to be. If we've been influenced our entire lives by other people's opinions of who we are then what we do is also going to be determined by other people. See the problem here?
So let's go back to the "Who are you" question...only YOU can answer that. By who you are I don't mean what is your job title, relationship status, gender or race. Who you are is intrinsic. You can call it your spirit or soul or consciousness depending on your system of beliefs. The point is that it would remain the same if it were to be transplanted into another body, in another place and time. It is the essence of YOU! Nobody can tell you who you are. You just are. You are a unique individual and therefore you realize that just being who you are on your own is enough, it's time to decide where and how you're going to be your badass self.
There may be some limitations on what you can do or at least the capacity in which way you go about it. Those limits can be:
- Physical
- Circumstancial
- Technological
- Societal
- Personal
- Relational
- Financial
I believe the greatest limitation is the physical element of time. There simply isn't enough time to do everything we can or want to do. So the starting point in figuring out what to do could be to ask yourself, "What is the most worthwhile use of my time?"
There are a lot of things a person can do with their time, but determining which ones or the most worthwhile is key. I chose to be an artist rather than a lawyer or scientist because I felt it was a better use of my time. My ability to analyze, interpret and communicate could have been put to good use in the legal or scientific research fields, but I felt that in combination with my other skills and interests being an artist ultimately is a more worthwhile use of my time.
Where we fulfill our life's purpose is one of those things in which we have the least amount of choice. We have no choice under what circumstances we are born. The country, moment in history, who are parents are and the choices other people make impact our lives and we don't have any control over those factors. Life isn't fair. Some of us are born into far more favorable circumstances than others, but no matter where we are in life, we can still fulfill our purpose as long as we don't lose sight of WHO we are.
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Sometimes I wish I could just be normal, but I can't and I never could. I tried it once when I was 13, and I sucked at it. My peers could see right through it, even though I dressed and tried to act normal so I could fit in, I was still an outcast. It's like I emanate this aura of weirdness that people instinctively pick up on. I'm ok with not fitting in, and being a weirdo. It's fine because I've been practicing the art of giving zero fucks for years now. Ironically the fewer fucks I give about people liking me, the more people like me.
When I say that I wish I could be normal, I mean that I wish I could just be content living a life of mediocrity and conforming to the status quo. I feel like if I could just be normal then my marriage wouldn't have collapsed and I would have closer relationships with my other immediate family members. A life less ordinary has left it's scars, but then again no one gets out of this life unscathed.
It's weird, because I've done all that normal shit you're supposed to do without the intent of ever doing it. I've been married, reproduced and I own a home. I don't know why those are the things that as North Americans we strive to achieve. I'm certainly not content to just be a homeowner, wife and mom. I kinda wish I was, because I feel like life would be less complicated. I ask myself all the time, "Are all of those happy wives and moms on Facebook actually as happy as they claim to be? Is having a husband and children really that completely fulfilling for them? Are their kids really their world? Why is it that other women can be perfectly content with doing the wife-mom thing, but for me it's not enough?" The answer is...
I cannot exist without creating. I thought about this the other day as I was walking along the pier, at night, in the rain, by myself...having a conversation with an imaginary version of a friend. I don't mean an imaginary friend, but I mean a person that I know in my real life that I imagine to be there with me in that moment. Weird? Who knows, and really I don't care because it's how I figure shit out.
I asked the imaginary version of my friend, "If I were stranded on an island where I could survive, how would I occupy my time?"
He responded, "I don't think you'd spend your time making a home for yourself. You'd probably find a cave to live in, and that'd be good enough for you. I could see you making up a story, but not just writing it down. I could see you building entire sets with characters in them like a 3D comic book."
I was like, "Yeah! That's totally what I'd do! It mirrors what I do right now anyway. I don't spend my time at fucking Bed, Bath & Beyond shopping for housewares with my significant other on the weekend. I'm not a homemaker. I'm a world creator, perhaps at the expense of letting my domestic life crumble, but I can't help it. Even if I were in a situation where all of my material comforts were stripped away, I'd still be compelled to create."
So here I am. My domestic world in ruins and still creating. Normal? No. A life worth living? Hell yeah! My song Serial Killer from my new EP 'Blood Sweat Tears'is about living in an unorthodox domestic situation with an ex-partner. It's like a post-apocalyptic relationship where you're struggling to survive, and salvaging what's left.
So what is normal? I mean, there's the status quo societal norms that we're all under some kind of pressure to conform to, but none us are really normal. Maybe we lead so-called normal lives on the outside, but on the inside is this whole different plane of existence. What I've learned about being normal is that your inside world is YOUR normal. Embrace it. The truer we are to living in our outside world as the person we truly are on the inside, the more content and fulfilled our every day life will feel, even if it's a big mess for the time being like mine is right now.
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As a multidisciplinary artist who paints and writes songs, one of the most common questions I get is, "What comes first, the painting or the song?" The answer is neither. It's the concept that comes to me first. It's a spark that flashes within my mind and I feel compelled to communicate it as thoroughly as possible. Sometimes I'll write about it first, and other times I'll work on the visual aspect of it depending on my mood. There's so many layers to an idea and when I create it's through layers of paint and sound. Each layer has meaning and is an integral part to the entire piece.
This most recent series of paintings and songs is all about the layers. On the surface Blood Sweat Tears is woman venting about how her marriage and family life is falling to pieces and how she's coping through violent sex and workaholism. Deeper down it's about how we have a preferred self and a shadow self. When we face loss or some kind of tragedy we often revert to a shadow version of ourselves as a coping mechanism.
My shadow self is something that I explore through my songs and artwork. In a way it's a confession of all the horrible feelings I held inside for years because I didn't want to let go. I called this series of paintings Blood Sweat Tears because it really is a wonderful symbol of the creative process. Blood is representative of life and intimacy. It's the fuel that feeds the creative spark. Sweat is the process of crafting all the layers and organizing them into songs and paintings. Tears are the release. Once the idea has been meticulously crafted, it's time to let it go into the world. It's a literal release of material into the marketplace, but also a form of closure to a chapter of my life.
If you've been following my progress for the past year or so, you should be aware that I'm mixing my literal blood, sweat & tears into my artwork. I've posted a few videos here and there of my process. To extract my sweat I would engage in a sweaty activity and then use paper towel to dry myself off. I then would then puree the sweat soaked paper towel in a blender and add the pulp to my sculpting medium. I essentially used the same process for the tears. To make myself cry I would watch the Star Trek: TNG episode 'The Inner Light,' which is the one where Picard lives an entire lifetime in 20 minutes. I challenge you to watch it and not cry.
Here's a video of my sweat extraction process.
Extracting blood, was something I agonized over a bit. I debated using menstrual blood, but decided against it mostly because I wanted "pure blood" free of all the other stuff that comes along with period blood like uterine lining, vaginal mucus and bits of tampon. I considered cutting myself, but I didn't want to promote self-harm in any way. Finally I found out that one of my friends draws his own blood when ever he has to give a sample for medical purposes, so I asked him if he'd be willing to help me out. By far this ended up being the best option because not only is it safe and sterile, but the viles are vacuum sealed and the blood stays fresh.
Here's a video of my blood extraction and the method I used to incorporate it into the painting.
It took several days to complete my first piece which is longer than it normal takes me if I'm just doing a painting. I had to wait for the plaster to dry between layers and I'm this was my first attempt at sculpting.
The end result was pretty cool. My "release" of the painting is me reciting the lyrics to the song as a dramatic monologue. Call me old school, but I believe words are very important in songwriting.
Here's the finished painting with my recitation of the lyrics.
I'm still running my pre-order campaign through Pledge Music and prints of the artwork as well as the EP are still available for pre-order until March 19th.
If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is My Resurrection
MY RESURRECTION
The first 5 songs are written from the perspective of an addict. My Resurrection is the 6th piece in the series and the first song that's written from a sober point of view. It's a transitional point in my life where I made a conscious decision to live again. I was afraid to face my life because it sucked. Some of the suckage was self inflicted, but a lot of it was other people's behavior that I was subject to and had no control over.
Change is scary and making the decision to change patterns of behavior and following through with the changes takes a lot of courage. Facing inner demons and accepting our darkness and brokenness is the first step to moving back into life. My Resurrection is about taking that first step and shedding light on the darkness within and acknowledging dysfunction so that the healing process can begin.
Sonically speaking the song starts out very dark with layers of screeching demons in the intro indicating the depth of hell I was stuck in and then progressively moves to a haunting piano line with melancholy self reflection and finally transitions on to a triumphant ending repeating the line,
"Death no longer can hold me, you no longer control me"
SYMBOLS
Blood: Blood is one of those paradoxical symbols. It represents life and also death. My Resurrection is all about the transition from death to life and if there is a moral of this story it is that there cannot be new life without the death of the old one.
The Wine Glass: This one has a double meaning as well. The wine glass represents the addiction, but did you know that the wine glass also is a symbol of divine healing? It's one of the reasons why Christians drink wine as part of the Eucharist or Communion ceremony. The first Communion was literally Jesus and his friends sharing a meal and a glass of wine before Jesus was executed. It's was a symbol of intimacy that signified a relationship to the divine. In a broader non-religious context "the divine" can be the ideal version of ourselves, who we can become if we let go of the past and allow our shadow selves to die.
The Female Subject: It's not an angel. It's my spirit emerging from the darkness and into the light. Taking the first step into becoming a better version of myself. Coming out of the wine glass which represents addiction, but also travelling through the wine glass which represents healing. Another way to look at it is that the liquid inside the glass isn't wine. It's blood. Blood that represents the death of my shadow self, but also the birth of my preferred self. Birth by the way is a very bloody process.
You might have noticed that the figure is missing arms and legs. Well that's to show that she's broken and imperfect, but despite the brokenness, she can still triumph over adversity. We don't need to be perfect to be the best version of ourselves, after all we're only human.
The song could best be described as cinematic progressive goth rock. It tells a story of the transition from death to life. The song can be purchased as part of the album or as a single on my WEBSITE For a limited time let's say until midnight on April 29th, I will make My Resurrection available as a FREE DOWNLOAD
My Resurrection
I don’t know what happened
But I must have cracked a mirror
Seven years in Hell with you has somehow brought me here
Staring at the cup that I used to share with you
I could drown myself again, but instead I’m breaking through
I fell for your seduction
I fell down, down, down
You lead me through the gates of Hell
I drown, drown, drown
But I look up just long enough that I can see
There is another way and I choose to live today
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me
You don’t control me x 6
(You don’t control me) x 4
Laying in this dormant state
I begin to contemplate
Time was ticking, passing by
And here I was about to die
You were winning holding me
But now you’ve lost to destiny
Because my resurrection
Is leading me to insurrection
Now I’m free, free, free
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me
Because my resurrection
Is leading me to insurrection
Now I’m free, free, free
Death no longer can hold me(You don’t control me)
You no longer control me(You don’t control me)
Death no longer can hold me(You don’t control me)
You no longer control me(You don’t control me)
Because my resurrection
Is leading me to insurrection
Now I’m free
No one likes being rejected. It's hard not to take it personally, but it is a part of life and definitely something one experiences as an artist.
Yesterday's rant was about me being frustrated with having to play the role of publicist for myself. I'm pitching my music to online publications in the hopes that I'll get some press. Other than the fact that it's a tedious, boring time consuming process, the other major drawback of doing your own PR is getting all the rejections. If I were promoting someone else I wouldn't be emotionally invested in the process. Also, had I been able to hire a publicist, they would be getting all the rejections and I'd only be hearing about the publications willing to show me the love. Oh well, it's just another annoying reality of the popularity game you have to play when your an artist.
So, today my inbox has been flooded with all the rejections from yesterday's submissions of my song We're All Whores. It's disappointing for sure, but the key to not taking it personally is to remember that all art is subjective and just because someone doesn't like my work doesn't mean that it isn't "good" or have merit. Another way of putting it into perspective is thinking of it like any sales job. You're going to hear overwhelmingly more "no's" then "yes's" no matter what industry you're working in.
If you're curious about what's being rejected feel free to visit my website for a free download of We're All Whores, the song I've been submitting to promote my album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.
