A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 7 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is It's Over.

IT'S OVER

It's Over is a break up song. It's me ending all the unhealthy relationships I had cultivated over the 7 years prior. I ended my relationship with my abusive spouse, my unhealthy relationship with booze, drugs and money, but most importantly I ended my abusive relationship with myself. The song can be summarized in pretty much this one line from the bridge.

"Fuck You! I'm done! Fuck it all, I don't want to fall back in love with you again. Back in hell with you again"

SYMBOLS

The Bride: The bride is a pretty obvious symbol given the context of the lyrics. She sits calmly staring a a broken wine glass.

The Broken Wine Glass: Again, I love my visual symbols to have several meanings. In some Western particularly religious wedding ceremonies the bride and groom drink wine from the same glass. The smashed glass is the symbolic end to the relationship. Also, the broken wine glass symbolizes the end of addiction.

The Wilted Flowers: Another symbol of the death of relationships.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

The song is a bouncy dance rock song with a defiant tone. The song can be purchased as part of the album or as a single on my WEBSITE  

For a limited time let's say until midnight on May 20th, I will make It's Over available as a FREE DOWNLOAD

It's Over

I don’t wanna go to your after party
I don’t wanna fuck your fat wad of money
I don’t need your backstage pass cause you don’t get me off
And I am done whoring myself out
To further your cause
It’s over, It’s over, It’s over
It’s all over

I’m living it for me now
I’m no longer your slave now
I’m not your bitch anymore and I’m done with you
It was fun while it lasted but you need to know
I can’t stay here and rot, so I’ve got to let you go

I don’t have to sit here and let you fuck me up
And I don’t have to pretend that what you give is good enough
And I don’t need your empty promises or your alleged love
I’m not desperate enough
To be settling for this
It’s over, It’s over, It’s over, It’s so over
It’s over, It’s over, It’s over
It’s all over

I’m living it for me now
I’m no longer your slave now
I’m not your bitch anymore and I’m done with you
It was fun while it lasted but you need to know
I can’t stay here and rot, so I’ve got to let you go

So take your cheap words and swallow them
I hope you choke and die
Go swimming in your liquid lies
Go drown in your deception’
Go swimming in your liquid lies
Go drown in your deception’

Fuck you! I’m done! Fuck it all!
I don’t want to fall back in love with you again
Back in Hell with you again

I’m living it for me now
I’m no longer your slave now
I’m not your bitch anymore and I’m done with you
It was fun while it lasted but you need to know
I can’t stay here and rot, so I’ve got to let you go

It’s over, It’s over, It’s over, It’s so over

Get It's Over for FREE!!!

offer expires May 20th, 2017

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Live On The Air

On April 30th I had the pleasure of being a guest on Radio Alicia CJSF 90.1FM hosted by Oswaldo Perez Cabrera. I performed 4 songs live throughout the show and was interviewed about my new album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. Here's the show in it's entirety.

The part featuring me begins on the player below at the 7:44 mark.

I continue my interview and performing some more music at 00:01 below

I start another live performance at 18:12 on the player below, but stay tuned until the end of the show because they do play more of my album throughout.

Signing a poster for my gracious host Oswaldo Perez Cabrera

Belting out my favorite song off the album Hedonist

Don't forget that you can purchase physical copies of the album from my store on the OFFICIAL BORG QUEEN WEBSITE, but since I'm feeling generous I am currently offering a 4 FREE SONG digital download. Just click on the image below and you will be directed to the page. Enter your email and have the music delivered instantly to your inbox.

In The Moment

I remember the first time I felt the tight grip of depression. I was 7. It was a sunny spring day and I was having dinner. In a singular moment I felt a disconnect from the world around me. I was aware of the weather, my family and the delicious meal in front of me, but it all of a sudden the significance of it disappeared. I went inside myself and began asking myself questions, like "what is the point of all of this? Does it matter? I'm just going to grow up, only to die and in the meantime I'm just finding things to do to kill time before my inevitable demise." I looked at my food and was no longer hungry. I felt a heavy weight in my chest. I sat there at the dinner table that evening at seven years old questioning my existence while the rest of my family shoveled food into their faces. I had never felt so overwhelmed yet empty at the same time. I had traveled to a dark lonely place I didn't know had existed until that moment. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to leave that dark corner of my mind and forget it, but it's one those things that once you learn of its existence there's no unlearning it.

The next day I woke up and went about my day as per usual, school, ballet, dinner, TV and then bed. I didn't go to that place, I stayed in the moment all day. I was connected to my world again. The weight in my chest wasn't there. I had snapped out of my shadow place and come back to the present.

I didn't revisit that place until a few years later. I was 10 and would get drawn back into myself for a day or two and then snap back to the present, but as I got older the frequency and duration of my visits to the void increased. Eventually I began to dwell there. When you make that place a home is the point where it becomes clinical depression, and when something is clinical, it means that there's usually some kind of medication to make you forget about the void.

I've tried several forms of medication to alleviate my depression. Some of the medications have been prescribed by a doctor, others I have prescribed for myself. Whatever my drug of choice has been whether it's Zoloft, alcohol, sex or work, it's never been entirely effective. I still slip away into the void. Why is that?

The answer can be found in childhood itself. The thing I miss the most about being a kid is living in the moment every second of the day. While medicating depression can be helpful to address the neuro chemical issues that are going on, I've noticed that medication in it's many forms only part of the solution. When I am mindful of the present, I can escape the void.

I've been struggling with some pretty serious depression over the past year and for reasons I'm not going into right now, I can't take prescription drugs. I also refuse to self medicate because I know for myself it's a slippery slope back into addiction. So what do I do?

I become like a child again. It's a form of self care. I play. I think about nothing else except what I'm doing in that moment of play and I relish it.

Playing can really be anything as long as it's done purely for enjoyment and there is no responsibility attached to it. For example, I go for walks in the nature and imagine that I'm exploring a new world. I touch the bark of the trees. I feel the sensation of the texture on my fingertips. I look at the leaves and notice the veins. I look at my skin and see my own veins. I pretend that I'm a tree and feel my feet on the ground. I picture my body drawing the nutrients out of the earth and it's life flowing into my veins just like the leaves. It may sound silly, but it helps.

I know that one day I won't visit the void nearly as often. For now it's a struggle, but as long as I take the time to play I can bring myself back to the moment and back to life.

My favorite song is Nine Inch Nails' Into The Void because not only is it a beautifully crafted piece of music, but lyrically describes exactly the struggle I've faced when trying to fight depression. This line from the song sums it all up.

"Try to save myself, but myself keeps slipping away."

I'll leave you with the song. I urge you to listen to it, in it's entirety. Sometimes it helps to know you're not alone in the void.

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 6 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is My Resurrection

MY RESURRECTION

The first 5 songs are written from the perspective of an addict. My Resurrection is the 6th piece in the series and the first song that's written from a sober point of view. It's a transitional point in my life where I made a conscious decision to live again. I was afraid to face my life because it sucked. Some of the suckage was self inflicted, but a lot of it was other people's behavior that I was subject to and had no control over.

Change is scary and making the decision to change patterns of behavior and following through with the changes takes a lot of courage. Facing inner demons and accepting our darkness and brokenness is the first step to moving back into life. My Resurrection is about taking that first step and shedding light on the darkness within and acknowledging dysfunction so that the healing process can begin.

Sonically speaking the song starts out very dark with layers of screeching demons in the intro indicating the depth of hell I was stuck in and then progressively moves to a haunting piano line with melancholy self reflection and finally transitions on to a triumphant ending repeating the line,

"Death no longer can hold me, you no longer control me"

SYMBOLS

Blood: Blood is one of those paradoxical symbols. It represents life and also death. My Resurrection is all about the transition from death to life and if there is a moral of this story it is that there cannot be new life without the death of the old one.

The Wine Glass: This one has a double meaning as well. The wine glass represents the addiction, but did you know that the wine glass also is a symbol of divine healing? It's one of the reasons why Christians drink wine as part of the Eucharist or Communion ceremony. The first Communion was literally Jesus and his friends sharing a meal and a glass of wine before Jesus was executed. It's was a symbol of intimacy that signified a relationship to the divine. In a broader non-religious context "the divine" can be the ideal version of ourselves, who we can become if we let go of the past and allow our shadow selves to die. 

The Female Subject: It's not an angel. It's my spirit emerging from the darkness and into the light. Taking the first step into becoming a better version of myself. Coming out of the wine glass which represents addiction, but also travelling through the wine glass which represents healing. Another way to look at it is that the liquid inside the glass isn't wine. It's blood. Blood that represents the death of my shadow self, but also the birth of my preferred self. Birth by the way is a very bloody process.

You might have noticed that the figure is missing arms and legs. Well that's to show that she's broken and imperfect, but despite the brokenness, she can still triumph over adversity. We don't need to be perfect to be the best version of ourselves, after all we're only human.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

The song could best be described as cinematic progressive goth rock. It tells a story of the transition from death to life. The song can be purchased as part of the album or as a single on my WEBSITE  

For a limited time let's say until midnight on April 29th, I will make My Resurrection available as a FREE DOWNLOAD

My Resurrection

I don’t know what happened
But I must have cracked a mirror
Seven years in Hell with you has somehow brought me here
Staring at the cup that I used to share with you
I could drown myself again, but instead I’m breaking through

I fell for your seduction
I fell down, down, down
You lead me through the gates of Hell
I drown, drown, drown
But I look up just long enough that I can see
There is another way and I choose to live today

Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me

You don’t control me x 6
(You don’t control me) x 4

Laying in this dormant state
I begin to contemplate
Time was ticking, passing by
And here I was about to die
You were winning holding me
But now you’ve lost to destiny

Because my resurrection
Is leading me to insurrection
Now I’m free, free, free
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me
Death no longer can hold me
You no longer control me

Because my resurrection
Is leading me to insurrection
Now I’m free, free, free
Death no longer can hold me(You don’t control me)
You no longer control me(You don’t control me)
Death no longer can hold me(You don’t control me)
You no longer control me(You don’t control me)
Because my resurrection
Is leading me to insurrection
Now I’m free

Get My Resurrection for FREE!!!

offer expires April 29th, 2017

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A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 5 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is my musical equivalent of Nine Inch Nails' Hurt(famously covered by Johnny Cash)...The Bottom Of The Glass.

THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

The Bottom Of The Glass is the 5th piece in the series and is about hitting rock bottom. The preceding song Hedonist is the in your face revelation of the domestic abuse, pain and dysfunction that I was dealing with at the time by self medicating with drugs and alcohol abuse. The final line of Hedonist

"I need an anesthetic, to numb me to you"

is very purposefully blended in the lyrical sense to the opening line of The Bottom Of The Glass,

"With the last drop of anesthetic I swallow, I see the bottom of the glass"

I wanted to show the relationship between the two songs by reiterating the concept of an anesthetic being used as a form of escapism from a horrific life situation involving domestic violence. The Bottom Of The Glass is the realization that in the process of self medication I was actually killing myself and needed help. At the end of the song is my cry for help...

"Save me from myself, my life, this world of glass, let me have another day outside the glass"

SYMBOLS

The Empty Glass: Empty like my soul, when I hit rock bottom. Transparent, because I was finally being honest with myself as to why I was such a hedonist. The opening of the glass is also not visible to indicate that the subject cannot see a way out of her prison.

The Female Subject: Naked with only her own arms to hold her, cold and alone. Her eyes are closed, meditative and contemplating her fate.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

The song is atmospheric with layers and textures painting a picture with sound. The intent was to create a hauntingly sad song conveying the despair and depression I was experiencing while coming to terms with the magnitude of a mess I had created for myself. The song can be purchased as part of the ablum or as a single on my WEBSITE 

The Bottom Of The Glass

With the last drop of anesthetic I swallow 
I see the bottom of the glass 
I've drowned my pain and killed my joy 
I poured out my soul 
There's nothing left 
I've become this vessel I'm hollow 

There is no tomorrow can't see my past 
I fell into the bottom of the glass 
The party's over, everyone's gone 
I am trapped inside 
No where to go 
Inside this place I'm fading fast 

Death greets me but I don't want to follow 
The end is at the bottom of the glass 

I can't stop drowning myself in this hell I created 
This is no way to live, but I'm not ready to die 
I don't want to die, but I'm killing myself 
I can't face what I've become so I just numb the world away 

I try to look up and see a way out 
Life's still a dim prospect 
With nobody to help me from out of my cage 
I've fallen again 
With each sip I take I throw myself away x4 

I'm waste inside the bottom of the glass 
Will I ever see the light again 
Save me from myself, my life this world of glass 
Let me have another day outside this glass

BUY THE BOTTOM OF THE GLASS

Borg Queen Live!!!

Here's a couple vids of my live performance at Kink Fetish Night at XY in Vancouver, BC. I had a wonderful time and learned some valuable lessons as well with regards to the logistics of performing a live show with so many theatrical elements. I might delve further in to those lessons in another blog post. Overall, I was pleased with the way the performance came together. My hope is to be able to perform the entire album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles from start to finish in a theatrical type presentation, but I can't do it alone. I'll need practical and financial support to pull it off. If you're into supporting something like this practically, you can always shoot me an email borgqueenmusic@gmail.com otherwise financial support is always appreciated.

My store is open 24/7 on my website and you can get CD's, digital music, videos, t-shirts posters and paintings. Buying merch helps in a big way because the cash flow allows me to keep production quality up and get things done in a more timely manner. Hope you enjoy the videos! Your feedback is always appreciated so leave a comment and let me know if you liked We're All Whores or Lapdance Romance better.

WE'RE ALL WHORES

You can get We're All Whores as a free download on my website. Just enter your email in the free song offer at the top of the page https://www.borg-queen-music.com

LAPDANCE ROMANCE

You can view the official music video for Lapdance Romance on my YouTube channel. Don't forget to like and subscribe!

Until next time,

Jenny

A Dark And Enlightening Journey: Part 4 of 10

PROJECT OVERVIEW

If you read this blog on any kind of regular basis you probably know that Borg Queen is a multidisciplinary art project where I get to use literally every creative and technical discipline that I've ever been trained in. For each song that I write, I do a painting to visually convey the concept behind the song because the way I look at is that why not use as many mediums as possible to explore all the facets of the idea I'm communicating through sight and sound. My latest album Sex, Drugs and Shiny Brass Poles is 10 songs, 10 paintings and 3 music videos telling the story of how I learned the some of the most important lessons in life from working as a stripper. Each post in this series will be a detailed analysis of each song and painting from the album. Today's piece is my personal favorite-HEDONIST.

HEDONIST

Hedonist is the fourth piece in the series and is visually and sonically the darkest. The preceding song Little Miss Liquid Courage is a satirical dig at mainstream beauty ideals and while light and pop sounding it hints at something much darker hiding beneath the surface. Hedonist is the revealation of the darkness, pain and dysfunction that I was dealing with at the time by self medicating with various hedonistic vices.

"I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck and snort the pain away"

Hedonist is about 2 abusive relationships that I was in at the time. The first being with myself and the second one was with my husband at the time. In retrospect I know that I attracted a person who was abusive to me because I was abusing myself. I firmly believe that we attract people who are in a similar head space to ourselves. The song is written in the past tense and I wrote it years after the abusive events had occurred as a victim impact statement so I could finally have some closure. I explore the victim impact statement aspect of Hedonist in what is my most popular post by far, The Art Of Sexual Assault.

SYMBOLS

The Suspended Vodka Bottle: It's suspended like and IV indicating that it is being ingested medicinally vs. recreationally

The Female Subject: She's completely dark and has her arms and legs amputated to symbolize that she's a victim of domestic violence.

The Demonic Hands: The demonic hands are the demons and vices that continue to trap the subject in her vicious cycle of abuse. They clutch on to her chest to show that they have a grip on her heart.

The Blood: I use blood as a paradoxical symbol within my work. Blood is life, but it is also death. The blood in this painting is the life draining out of the victim. Notice how her eyes are partially open to indicate that she is conscious of her situation. The blood from her body is also being drained by the tubes attached to her arm and leg stumps. Her very life essence is being sucked out of her.

The "Egg" Incubator: The tubes leading out of the victim are serving a purpose and that is facilitating the growth of her alter ego. If you've experienced addiction personally or have someone close to you who suffers from it, then you know how it transforms a person into a "shadow version" of themselves.

Buy this painting!

Fine Art Print Available here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/paintings

MUSIC AND LYRICS

My intent when writing this song was to tell a story in three different voices. My Preferred Self is the narrator refelcting upon the events that took place. My Shadow Self sings the chorus and My Broken Soul sings the bridge and reveals the depth of despair to which I sank and why I got there. It's a complex song with layers of sound and depth of emotion ranging from sexual euphoria to suicidal depression. This my favorite song on the album and can be purchased as a single or part of the album on my WEBSITE 

Hedonist

I use to be a good girl
I used to really care
But when you came along
Then I began to disappear
Since you think you're God
Then create someone new
Someone better than me
That'll serve only you

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x3
To numb me to you

You got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause you got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away

I must confess that I love the drugs
And I like to fuck, and I don't care who
And that my darling is why I love you

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x3
To numb me to you

You got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause you got what you want
You made me this way
I'm gonna drink, dance, fuck
And snort the pain away

I can't take this anymore
There's nothing strong enough to numb me
I'm your whore
You've imprisoned me
In your web of lies
You struck my body
When I carried your child
You violate what's left of me
In every way
So I poison myself
To keep your assaults at bay
But these wounds you inflict
Are bleeding out as I pray
While I still drink dance fuck
And snort the pain away
'Cause there's a hole deep inside me
That you RAPE everyday
So I'll just drink, dance fuck
and snort the pain away

Hey You! Look what I've become
I'm your hedonist baby
All I want is to cum
You're getting used
While I'm being abused so
I need an anesthetic x7
To numb me to you 

BUY HEDONIST