Depression: There Is Hope

In the wake of Robin Williams' death there has been a seemingly increased online conversation about depression. Depression is a topic that affects everyone, not just the sufferers, but this post is directed to those who are currently battling this all encompassing disease. I'm not anybody famous, or noteworthy. I'm just an artist telling her story. I've suffered from depression since childhood and I've learned some things about depression that I'd like to share.

1. It's OK That You're Depressed Right Now
Life has many seasons. There are ups and downs. It's OK and even normal to go through periods of depression.If you're struggling with depression right now, know that it's OK to be depressed. If this is where you currently are on you're life's journey then accept that this is where you're at right now is the first step to recovery.

2. Depression Is A Legitimate Medical Condition
I'm not going into too much scientific detail on this one, because it's a mainstream medical view that depression is a medical condition. Should a diabetic be overcome with guilt because of their medical condition? Of course not, and neither should you.

3.Your Illness Does Not Define You
No one single characteristic that you possess defines you. Your age, race, sexual orientation, religion, marital status, parental status, disability, career or medical condition are simply characteristics that make you more multidimensional, but not a single one of these things will add value or devalue your worth. Just because a person is blind for example doesn't mean that being blind is all that there is too them, and it certainly doesn't make them any less valuable. Similarly, being depressed does not devalue your worth as a person.  You are just as incredible, worthwhile and unique whether you're feeling wonderful or in currently stuck the pit of despair.

4. There Is Hope
You may not feel like there is any hope right now, but I promise you as someone who struggles with this illness, that there is hope and you are loved. You may say to yourself, but I have no one and I'm all alone, so how can anyone love me? Maybe you're not surrounded with the right people right now, but at some point in your life, if it hasn't already happened, you will be loved by someone. So hang in there. Love is worth living for and it will find you, but the first step to letting love find you is to learn to love yourself. Help is available and there are many people who do care, and have dedicated their lives to helping people suffering from depression. You don't need to suffer in silence anymore, so talk to someone, you'd be surprised at how supportive people really are.

Because this is my blog about my art and music I'm including an instrumental version of a song and the painting I've about overcoming depression called My Resurrection. My biggest reason for sharing my art with the world is that I know the power it has to reach people and touch them on a personal level. One of my greatest influences Trent Reznor is famous for writing songs about isolation and depression. Listening to his music has been therapeutic for me because it's made realize that I'm not alone in this and there are others out there who do understand. I've also posted some links at the bottom of this page to resources available to those suffering from depression.

Online Depression Resources - WebMD

Depression - Canadian Mental Health Association

Crisis Intervention & Suicide Prevention-British Columbia

I'm Not Perfect And That's OK

One of the most profound realizations that I came to while going through alcohol recovery 8 years ago was that I'm human and that means that I'm not perfect nor will I ever be. I was raised by a perfectionist to be a perfectionist. I come from a long line--on my mom's side at least--of chronic, nit-picking, judgmental perfectionists who are never satisfied with anything. There is always a reason to complain and point out the faults of others. Of course, they justify their finger wagging in the name of "constructive criticism," but the years of my childhood spent worrying that my I was never good enough, and the years of drowning myself in alcohol so I could just relax for once would beg to differ.

However, I've resolved to break the family tradition and just let myself be an imperfect human being. This is the reason that I've decided to post unfinished tracks on my soundcloud for my fans to listen to. I have versions of songs without any pitch correction on the vocals to show the world and remind myself that much like my art, I am a work in progress. I work to better myself and my craft, but I will never be perfect. So I invite you to enjoy this imperfect unfinished instrumental backing track for my song This Is Real.

Album Art: The Story Behind Little Miss Liquid Courage & This Is Real

With the imminent December 2014 release of my album Sex, Drugs, & Shiny Brass Poles I've had to kick things into high gear. Today I managed to get the cover art for two songs done. Both have the central theme of money. Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against money or rich people and the purpose of my songs and paintings for This Is Real and Little Miss Liquid Courage are not to say money is evil, but rather to tell my personal story of how making money my first priority in life did not bring happiness, success or material wealth. In fact, the moment I made money my top priority was the first step of my downward spiral to becoming a broke, depressed failure.

This Is Real is a "reverse Cinderalla" story. It's the story of how I went from riches to rags by making money my god. Often as we enter adulthood we start to realize that life doesn't quite turn out how we expect it to, despite our best efforts. This can leave us disillusioned and angry, and we start think in terms of "if only" scenarios. If only I had a relationship. If only I had made this decision and not that one. If only I had more money. For me, it was, "if only I had more money, I could fix my problems."

This Is Real - a painting and song by Jenny  Kirby. Listen to the instrumental backing track here

My problems at the time were that I was in an abusive relationship where I was financially dependent on my abuser because I was a student, and my dad's health was failing. I figured that if I could make enough money then I could afford my living expenses, school and help pay for better medical care for my dad. I took a job as an exotic dancer to make some extra cash thinking that I'd be able to achieve my goals with all of my extra dancing money that I'd be making and THEN I'd be happy.

Little Miss Liquid Courage is about succumbing to the pressure to change my appearance to be the ideal "Barbie" in order to make more money as an exotic entertainer. When I first started dancing, I was pale red-haired goth with a small breasts. The criticisms I received from the booking agents were that they could get me more consistent work and a higher show price from the clubs if, I lost some weight, got a tan, dyed my hair blond and got some breast implants. Thankfully, my credit was so shot from my student load debt that I was turned down for financing for my boobs, but I did go get myself that fake tan and dyed my hair platinum blond. I gave up my unique look and tried to fit the cookie cutter mold of feminine beauty for more money.

Little Miss Liquid Courage - a painting and song by Jenny Kirby. Listen to the instrumental backing track here

Needless to say I'm older and wiser now, and have learned that money doesn't buy happiness, less stress or make a person successful. Living out your life's purpose by using what's been given whether it be your time, energy, talent or money and sharing what you've been blessed with to those around you will make you happy. I get to do what I love and share it with the world every day, and that is NOW my definition of success.

Surgery: A Visual Metaphor For Domestic Violence

I'm truly grateful to be able to express myself  as Borg Queen through several different mediums. Right now I'm in the thick of production design for another music video for my upcoming album Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. The video in question is for Hedonist, a song about domestic violence. Surgery is the visual I've chosen to convey the profoundly deep violation of being abused by a partner. Much like surgery, the recovery process for abuse can be just as painful as the actual acts of abuse.

Today, I designed the surgeon character for the operating room scenes. I'm still torn between which set design I'm going to use for the operating room. Any feedback would be welcome. Let me know which operating room you like best in the comments section.

The Surgeon Character Design For Hedonist

Victorian Inspired Operating Room Set

Retro Inspired Operating Room Set