To Thine Own Self Be True

When I sit in stillness and call out to infinity

I ask, "what can I do to fulfill my purpose?"

The voice answers my cry every time and says, "Just be."

I was sitting on an old cedar log in the woods when the words above and below came to me. The tree that was now a rotting "nursery log" with new trees growing out of it got me thinking that no matter where we are in our life cycle we always have a purpose. So I scrawled down the words below, so I could turn them into one of those branded inspirational meme things that people seem to love(or hate).

The hardest part is knowing who you are. There are so many voices telling us throughout life who we are because of what we are. We get told by society, our parents, teachers and authority figures who we are and those early influences hold so many pre-conceived notions of who we are simply because of what we are. By what, I mean our gender, age, race, nationality, social status etc.

The second hardest part is figuring out what to do. The decisions we make in life are very much influenced by who we believe ourselves to be. If we've been influenced our entire lives by other people's opinions of who we are then what we do is also going to be determined by other people. See the problem here?

So let's go back to the "Who are you" question...only YOU can answer that. By who you are I don't mean what is your job title, relationship status, gender or race. Who you are is intrinsic. You can call it your spirit or soul or consciousness depending on your system of beliefs. The point is that it would remain the same if it were to be transplanted into another body, in another place and time. It is the essence of YOU! Nobody can tell you who you are. You just are. You are a unique individual and therefore you realize that just being who you are on your own is enough, it's time to decide where and how you're going to be your badass self.

There may be some limitations on what you can do or at least the capacity in which way you go about it. Those limits can be:

- Physical

- Circumstancial

- Technological

- Societal

- Personal

- Relational

- Financial

I believe the greatest limitation is the physical element of time. There simply isn't enough time to do everything we can or want to do. So the starting point in figuring out what to do could be to ask yourself, "What is the most worthwhile use of my time?"

There are a lot of things a person can do with their time, but determining which ones or the most worthwhile is key. I chose to be an artist rather than a lawyer or scientist because I felt it was a better use of my time. My ability to analyze, interpret and communicate could have been put to good use in the legal or scientific research fields, but I felt that in combination with my other skills and interests being an artist ultimately is a more worthwhile use of my time. 

Where we fulfill our life's purpose is one of those things in which we have the least amount of choice. We have no choice under what circumstances we are born. The country, moment in history, who are parents are and the choices other people make impact our lives and we don't have any control over those factors. Life isn't fair. Some of us are born into far more favorable circumstances than others, but no matter where we are in life, we can still fulfill our purpose as long as we don't lose sight of WHO we are. 

Like my blog? Then, you probably would enjoy my project Borg Queen. It's all my artistic and technical disciplines wrapped into one project that includes music, visual and performance art. Sign up to my mailing list and get 4 of my songs for FREE!

Being Normal

Sometimes I wish I could just be normal, but I can't and I never could. I tried it once when I was 13, and I sucked at it. My peers could see right through it, even though I dressed and tried to act normal so I could fit in, I was still an outcast. It's like I emanate this aura of weirdness that people instinctively pick up on. I'm ok with not fitting in, and being a weirdo. It's fine because I've been practicing the art of giving zero fucks for years now. Ironically the fewer fucks I give about people liking me, the more people like me.

When I say that I wish I could be normal, I mean that I wish I could just be content living a life of mediocrity and conforming to the status quo. I feel like if I could just be normal then my marriage wouldn't have collapsed and I would have closer relationships with my other immediate family members.  A life less ordinary has left it's scars, but then again no one gets out of this life unscathed.

It's weird, because I've done all that normal shit you're supposed to do without the intent of ever doing it. I've been married, reproduced and I own a home. I don't know why those are the things that as North Americans we strive to achieve. I'm certainly not content to just be a homeowner, wife and mom. I kinda wish I was, because I feel like life would be less complicated. I ask myself all the time, "Are all of those happy wives and moms on Facebook actually as happy as they claim to be? Is having a husband and children really that completely fulfilling for them?  Are their kids really their world? Why is it that other women can be perfectly content with doing the wife-mom thing, but for me it's not enough?" The answer is...

 I cannot exist without creating. I thought about this the other day as I was walking along the pier, at night, in the rain, by myself...having a conversation with an imaginary version of a friend. I don't mean an imaginary friend, but I mean a person that I know in my real life that I imagine to be there with me in that moment. Weird? Who knows, and really I don't care because it's how I figure shit out.

I asked the imaginary version of my friend, "If I were stranded on an island where I could survive, how would I occupy my time?"

He responded, "I don't think you'd spend your time making a home for yourself. You'd probably find a cave to live in, and that'd be good enough for you. I could see you making up a story, but not just writing it down. I could see you building entire sets with characters in them like a 3D comic book."

I was like, "Yeah! That's totally what I'd do! It mirrors what I do right now anyway. I don't spend my time at fucking Bed, Bath & Beyond shopping for housewares with my significant other on the weekend. I'm not a homemaker. I'm a world creator, perhaps at the expense of letting my domestic life crumble, but I can't help it. Even if I were in a situation where all of my material comforts were stripped away, I'd still be compelled to create."

So here I am. My domestic world in ruins and still creating. Normal? No. A life worth living? Hell yeah! My song Serial Killer from my new EP 'Blood Sweat Tears' is about living in an unorthodox domestic situation with an ex-partner. It's like a post-apocalyptic relationship where you're struggling to survive, and salvaging what's left.

Serial Killer is available as a FREE DOWNLOAD on my website

So what is normal? I mean, there's the status quo societal norms that we're all under some kind of pressure to conform to, but none us are really normal. Maybe we lead so-called normal lives on the outside, but on the inside is this whole different plane of existence. What I've learned about being normal is that your inside world is YOUR normal. Embrace it. The truer we are to living in our outside world as the person we truly are on the inside, the more content and fulfilled our every day life will feel, even if it's a big mess for the time being like mine is right now.

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Mommy Issues

Don't get me wrong...I love my mom. She is one of the most caring, self-sacrificing, generous and genuinely ethical humans on the face of this planet. It's a shame that we don't see eye to eye and that we're both incredibly stubborn and steadfast in our beliefs. She's a perfectionist like me. She wants more than anything to do the "right thing" to the point that she suffers from horrific anxiety out of fear that she's making mistakes. Now, her perfectionism stems from the example her mother set for her. My grandmother is also a perfectionist, paralyzed by fear and overly critical of herself and others. Are we seeing a pattern here?

So, the point of this post is not to bash my mom and grandmother because despite their flaws they've given me everything. I wouldn't own a house if it weren't for their generosity. I wouldn't have been able to get my first album off the ground if it weren't for the fact that my mom moved in with me and looked after my kids. Sure, she was critical as fuck about my lack of domestic skills. She was also incredibly vocal about her moral objections to the dark, macabre and sexual nature of the content I create, but she's a 64 year old conservative woman who's never even smoked a cigarette, so what do you expect?

I stopped giving a fuck about what people thought of me in my teens. At this point in my life I'd say I'm a master of giving zero fucks about people's opinions. It doesn't bother me that my mom isn't a fan of my work. It doesn't resonate with her, and that's fine. What my biggest mommy issue is, and this goes back to my childhood is that she misunderstands my intent. I can't even tell you how many times I got in trouble because she thought I was doing something 'bad' when my intent was to do something helpful. Like the time I drew some flowers on a poster she was making, or when I tried painting the backyard patio with crayons.

She had the tendency to attach a moral judgment to everything. I was a closet Madonna fan growing up because my mom naturally disapproved of her brazen sexuality, so when she caught me at 5am fashioning a cone bra out of tin foil she was really upset. She went off about how grieved she was in her heart that I would want to create something so vulgar and want to emulate someone so morally defunct as Madonna. Growing up in her domain meant that all actions were either good or evil and that was a reflection of our souls. Needless to say that I grew up with this image of myself being disapproved of at my very core because I could rarely get things "right" in her eyes.

Is it true that she disapproves of who I am on a very intrinsic level? Probably not, but it's a belief of mine that's been fostered since childhood. I don't blame her, but I wish things were different. I wish I could have been honest with her about what was going on in my life without fear of having a moral judgment attached to everything. I know that she wishes that we could have been closer too. I pulled away and I still do because I fear that she can't accept me. I feel like the truth of who I am would cause her too much stress and grief. I fear that she can reconcile the fact that despite my liberal views and unapologetic sexuality I still have morals...strong ones. I still have a strong connection to faith in something much greater than myself. I still aspire to using my talents and resources to make the world around me a better place. I wish she could just see the condition of my heart.

Lately she's really been making an effort to reach out to me. She's finally acknowledged that even though she doesn't "get" my art, she's glad that I've found an audience that appreciates it for what it is. She's been asking me for a while now to come visit her and spend some time together. Part of me really wants to, but I'm afraid to. We've never bonded, and I feel like at this point it's too late to find any common ground. I'm so used to keeping her at arms length. 

Something that I've really struggled with lately is the thought that one day she'll die, and I didn't make the effort to repair my relationship with her. The potential of this happening sooner rather than later is now becoming a reality. She ended up getting a blood clot in her leg last month and now the doctor thinks that she could have cancer. I'm terrified, not because she could die. Death is inevitable. If she died now, I would be consumed with guilt that I didn't try to make things better between us.

It's mother's day and I wish I had a better relationship with my mom. I wish I had a better relationship with myself as a mom. I wish I had a more positive view of other moms. Everything about motherhood leaves a bitter taste in my mouth because I have mommy issues. It's like the women who can't have a good relationship with a man because of their daddy issues. I have a tough time with mom stuff and getting close with other women.

My new EP has a song on it called 'Vampires.' It's about being a woman, being a mom and my general resentment of those roles within society. While 'Vampires' focuses more on the sociological role of women, I know that a lot of my resentment towards being a woman is rooted in my childhood and my relationship with my mom. 



I don't like to leave my blog posts on a sour note, so I am resolving to make the best effort that I can to reciprocate my mom's effort of reaching out to me. Like I said before, I don't blame her for anything. I'm the one who is responsible for how I choose to have a relationship with her, so I'm not going to push her away anymore because I feel like she doesn't get me. She doesn't have to get me. She gave me a life and that's enough.

For more information on my art and music project and to get 4 songs of mine as a free download visit my official website www.borg-queen-music.com

I Got To Be A 'Video Chick'

I'm a 90's teen and a huge entertainment staple back then was the music video. I love music videos and as a musician and visual artist they are my favorite medium for communicating artistic content. Growing up watching music videos in the I was enamored by the visuals which often included a 'video chick.'  Generally speaking these women were placed in the videos to be eye candy and it worked because who doesn't like looking at a beautiful woman? If Instagram has taught us anything, it's that people still like to stare at meticulously crafted visuals featuring hot women.

I recently had the pleasure of getting to work on the Edges Of Seven music video 'Cave Wall.' At first I was just going to do some behind the scenes stuff like wardrobe, props and scenic art, but then I was asked to be in it as well. I jumped at the chance because for starters I'm a HUGE fan of Edges Of Seven and it's secretly been one of my bucket list items as a performer to be in a music video that wasn't my own.

The character I play is a parody of an Instagram model. Being a long time wannabe video vixen, I found the concept to be deliciously ironic and couldn't wait to ham it up on camera. The eyes moving around in the creepy masks are mine too. So without further delay...HERE IT IS!!!

Burning Out

If you read this blog before, you'll have noticed that my posts have a mental health and psychology angle. As a content creator, I believe I have a responsibility to use my talents and influence for a positive purpose. Mental health is near and dear to my heart because it's something I've struggled with my entire life. I try to be as transparent as possible with my struggles and triumphs because I believe that the best art is honest, raw and unapologetic in nature. That being said, I have to confess something...I'm burning out big time.

The past 3 years has been a time of tremendous growth for me as an artist. I left behind a secure decently paid job as an interior designer to pursue a career as an independent artist. I've been burning the candle at both ends the entire time working 80 hours a week not just on my music and art, but also film projects and other creative gigs to help pay the bills(plus I'm a mom). My investment has paid off in many ways as I've been able to fund the completion of two albums and 3 high production value music videos. My fan base and visibility is constantly growing and I'm so grateful for all of the support I've received. However, my forward momentum has come at a very steep price...my health.

Because I have fibromyalgia my physical health is very fragile. Admittedly, I don't take care good enough care of myself for someone who has a chronic illness and even if I didn't have a medical condition I push myself too hard. If I'm to be perfectly honest, my obsessive need to be productive is a mental illness in an of itself. It's something I now have to address because I've reached my breaking point. I'm literally writing this post from bed because I'm completely incapacitated.

My life has become unmanageable and I need help. Thankfully I do see a therapist weekly for other issues and last week I finally admitted my desperate need to address my workaholism. I had to admit to that it has been a form of self-medication and a coping mechanism to keep me from falling apart during the breakdown of life as I know it. The thing about my drive and need to be productive is that it isn't negative if kept it check. My therapist likened my work addiction to a compulsive over-eating disorder. When some is a compulsive over eater the treatment isn't to abstain from eating entirely. We agreed that my drive to create and be productive is necessary for my mental well-being, but the trick is to strictly regulate my workload, and make sure that I engage in a proper physical self-care routine.

For the next little while I'm going to be taking a mental and physical health break to get my life back on track. I want to make it clear that I'm not quitting or giving up, but I do need to take a bit of time to just focus on getting healthy again. After I release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears April 30th, I won't be working on any new material until I've achieved a better work-life balance. I had planned to start working on 2 films that would feature my music plus a new album, but that will have to be put on hold...for now.

I might play the odd show here an there, so if you'd like to stay in touch be notified about when and where I'll be performing you can sign up for my mailing list here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/mailing-list-signup 

Mental Health Matters

My 2nd cousin died from an overdose a couple days ago. It's affected me in a very profound way even though I barely knew him. In fact, the last time I saw him was at his brother's memorial service 11 years ago. His brother incidentally died from an alcohol related accident. I'm extremely sad for their parents who have now lost two of their children, but I'm also angry. I'm angry because of the way we as a society stigmatize and treat people who abuse substances. We shame them. We blame them. We tell them things like "you're strong" and "you got this" and it's not helpful. If they were strong and could cope with their issues, they wouldn't be self-medicating.

Substance abuse and self-medication are a symptom of unchecked mental issues, and mental health is not just an issue for those who suffer from it's various conditions. It affects everyone. In a way, poor mental health is contagious. Being close to someone who suffers from poor mental health will eventually take it's toll on everyone around them. In my life right now the 5 people closest to me(including myself) are suffering from mental health issues. I know there's at least one person in your life that's dealing with something too. It may even be you.

"Mental health is a personal, relationship, family and community issue"

Personal

I have battled depression since childhood. The war against depression is not over, but I'm still here, so it means that I've won every battle so far. At least that's the way I like to look at it. So, if you're reading this and you suffer from a mental health condition it means that you're a warrior. I can tell you from personal experience that it's a lot more effective to fight a mental health battle with an army. If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health condition I strongly suggest seeking professional help. It may be one professional like a counselor or a team that includes a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist and/or social worker too. These professionals are experts in the field of 'broken people.' If your car is broken, you take it to a mechanic, right? You probably wouldn't just let it sit there and complain about it on Facebook. Well, maybe you would, but it wouldn't fix the car. The point is, seeking professional help is the first step to getting healthy.

I can also tell you from personal experience that multiple weapons for combating mental illness have more success in the long term than a singular approach. Medication may be helpful to balance brain chemistry, but so is regular exercise and proper nutrition. Relaxation techniques like yoga, deep breathing and meditation combat the physical effects of stress that aggravate mental illness. Having an emotional outlet is really important too. This could be talking to someone you trust or writing your thoughts feelings down. It's important to get them out. Personally, I see a counselor and I channel my demons into music and art. What I've learned over the years that I've had to fight my depression is the more weapons in my arsenal, the more successful I am.

Relationships

Relationship breakdowns usually involve mental health issues. It may be one or both parties. Any relationship I've had that's gone horribly wrong whether it be friendship, romantic or even business, poor mental health has played the biggest role. The thing about relationships is that they involve 2 parties and not just one, so even if one party is taking care of their mental health the relationship will still be toxic if the other party has unchecked mental health issues. 

The thing to remember about any relationship is that you are only responsible for yourself. If the other person in the relationship isn't taking responsibility for their own mental health, it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship and put some boundaries in place to preserve your own mental health. Putting up boundaries is hard. Sometimes it means limiting or cutting off contact with a person you love deeply until they decide to seek help.The old saying is true, "When you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go."

Family

Is there anything more complicated than family relationships? Not in my experience. There's the hereditary component. Conditions like bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia are genetic. There's also the fact that these people influenced you in your formative years. They're largely responsible for the state of your mental health. That being said, they are not responsible for your behavior. That's on you. 

If a child grows up in an environment with caregivers who suffer from mental health issues, that child will grow into an adult with mental health issues. I love my parents and in general they were good people who had my best interests at heart, but they had their own set of mental health problems. I grew up in the 80's and 90's. Back then having "mental health issues" meant that you were institutionalized. There wasn't the level of awareness that there is now. 

Familial roles were also more rigid back then. Men were supposed to be strong, women were supposed to be supportive and children were supposed to remain quiet. This meant that men couldn't ask for help because they would be considered weak. Women were expected to put up with all kinds of bullshit at the expense of their sanity and self preservation. Because the parents remained silent, kids grew up with the idea that their parents wouldn't understand what they were going through. Everyone suffered in silence.

Times have changed thankfully. Many of us kids who were afraid to talk to our parents now have a much more open line of communication with our kids. It's important for a kid to have a "safe adult" to talk to. If a child opens up to you about something they did or how they feel, the best thing you can do is listen without judgement.

Community

There needs to be more resources within communities to support people struggling with their mental health. Mental health education from early childhood should be mandatory in school curriculum. We need to elect governments on every level that recognize this. If you're able to do so, make charitable a donation to a reputable non-profit society that offers mental health support and services. Finally, as individuals with in a community we need to stop judging each other. Every single one of us is going to be affected by mental health issues in our life time. Self-medication isn't just drug and alcohol use. Medication, can be food, sex, entertainment, spirituality, exercise, work etc. None of these "medications" are unhealthy on their own. In moderation they contribute to mental wellness. The thing to remember is the difference between medicine and poison is in the dose.

I know this post wasn't directly about my art, but as an artist my subject matter is inspired by mental health issues. I believe strongly that it's important to have a conversation with my audience about these struggles that we all face, so we don't have to face them alone.

The Spark. The Layers. The Release.

As a multidisciplinary artist who paints and writes songs, one of the most common questions I get is, "What comes first, the painting or the song?" The answer is neither. It's the concept that comes to me first. It's a spark that flashes within my mind and I feel compelled to communicate it as thoroughly as possible. Sometimes I'll write about it first, and other times I'll work on the visual aspect of it depending on my mood. There's so many layers to an idea and when I create it's through layers of paint and sound. Each layer has meaning and is an integral part to the entire piece.

This most recent series of paintings and songs is all about the layers. On the surface Blood Sweat Tears is woman venting about how her marriage and family life is falling to pieces and how she's coping through violent sex and workaholism. Deeper down it's about how we have a preferred self and a shadow self. When we face loss or some kind of tragedy we often revert to a shadow version of ourselves as a coping mechanism. 

My shadow self is something that I explore through my songs and artwork. In a way it's a confession of all the horrible feelings I held inside for years because I didn't want to let go. I called this series of paintings Blood Sweat Tears because it really is a wonderful symbol of the creative process. Blood is representative of life and intimacy. It's the fuel that feeds the creative spark. Sweat is the process of crafting all the layers and organizing them into songs and paintings. Tears are the release. Once the idea has been meticulously crafted, it's time to let it go into the world. It's a literal release of material into the marketplace, but also a form of closure to a chapter of my life.

If you've been following my progress for the past year or so, you should be aware that I'm mixing my literal blood, sweat & tears into my artwork. I've posted a few videos here and there of my process. To extract my sweat I would engage in a sweaty activity and then use paper towel to dry myself off. I then would then puree the sweat soaked paper towel in a blender and add the pulp to my sculpting medium. I essentially used the same process for the tears. To make myself cry I would watch the Star Trek: TNG episode 'The Inner Light,' which is the one where Picard lives an entire lifetime in 20 minutes. I challenge you to watch it and not cry.

Here's a video of my sweat extraction process.

Extracting blood, was something I agonized over a bit. I debated using menstrual blood, but decided against it mostly because I wanted "pure blood" free of all the other stuff that comes along with period blood like uterine lining, vaginal mucus and bits of tampon. I considered cutting myself, but I didn't want to promote self-harm in any way. Finally I found out that one of my friends draws his own blood when ever he has to give a sample for medical purposes, so I asked him if he'd be willing to help me out. By far this ended up being the best option because not only is it safe and sterile, but the viles are vacuum sealed and the blood stays fresh.

Here's a video of my blood extraction and the method I used to incorporate it into the painting.

It took several days to complete my first piece which is longer than it normal takes me if I'm just doing a painting. I had to wait for the plaster to dry between layers and I'm this was my first attempt at sculpting.

The end result was pretty cool. My "release" of the painting is me reciting the lyrics to the song as a dramatic monologue. Call me old school, but I believe words are very important in songwriting.

Here's the finished painting with my recitation of the lyrics.

I'm still running my pre-order campaign through Pledge Music and prints of the artwork as well as the EP are still available for pre-order until March 19th.

PRE ORDER TODAY!!!