Fuck Traditional Motherhood!

"So what if I make music with strong language? So what if my music videos have nudity? So what if I've taken my clothes off  for money? None of these things a even remotely a factor in my relationship with my sons."


I'm a mom. I have 2 boys who I don't view as extensions of myself, but rather 2 people who I am responsible for mentoring and providing for their basic needs. Being a mom is not a job, career or occupation, for me it's a relationship. Relationships are as unique as the people involved and I personally think that when it comes to relationships nobody has the right to judge someone else's relationship.

I'm speaking from a very personal place right now because there is a woman who cyber stalks me routinely(once a month I am told) because she wants to ensure that I'm not doing anything that is inappropriate as a mother. She has been critical of my relationship with my son(s) for 6 years now and as much as I wish she would F.O.D. as Green Day so eloquently put it in their song F.O.D. from their album Dookie, I beginning to think that it's just wishful thinking on my part.

So what if I make music with strong language?
So what if my music videos have nudity?
So what if I've taken my clothes off  for money?

None of these things a even remotely a factor in my relationships with my sons. I'm not going to justify my "mommy-ness" by posting about all the shit I do that makes me look like a good mom, and believe me there's a lot of it. Why? Honestly because my relationship with my sons are sacred and private.

I'm an artist and a mom, but I was an artist first, so that's why I'm going to continue make art how I see fit and the people who deem it's inappropriate for me to make the art that I do just because miniature humans have slipped out of my vagina can suck my metaphorical dick. That is all.

Now enjoy these deliciously inappropriate stills of me from my last music video Lapdance Romance.

Let's Talk About Sex

"Call me crazy but I have about as much interest in fucking a selfish misogynist as I do listening to selfish misogynist bragging about how much pussy he gets over a loop of plagiarized musi...oops, I mean a sample."

Honestly I really don't know what to write about today, so I'm just going to write about what's on my mind 99% of the day - SEX.  I'm in one of "those" moods where I am on the cusp of just blurting out all my super personal dirty laundry for the world to see. My mother says I lack discretion. Her thought process behind all this is that I write songs that are too "sexually explicit" and reveal too much of my body in music videos. I feel kind of bad for saying this because my mother is a sweet old woman, but her concerns are completely laughable. She has NO clue about what kind of content other artists put out. She's incredibly sheltered and naive and has obviously never heard Closer by Nine Inch Nails.

That's me covered in oil & uv ink getting down and dirty with my co-star in Lapdance Romance

I on the other hand embrace my sexuality and love expressing it artistically. I mean, who doesn't like
a good fuck? I know I do. If one can translate the experience of a hard, sweaty, dirty lay through an artistic medium than I say, "LETS DO IT!" I think the reason so much music out there is about sex is because sex is relateable. Everyone on this earth at some point is going to engage in some kind of sex act(masturbation counts).

Every genre of music has sex songs. They focus of sex tends to vary by genre, and I think what type of musical genre a person is drawn to reveals quite a bit about them sexually. I know it does in my case.

For example country and R&B tend focus on "making love." Personally that term makes me a little queasy so I kinda throw up in my mouth a little if someone refers to sex as "making love." I'ts just too sweet and sappy for my appetite. It's no surprise that both of those genres don't appeal to me at all.

Punk music on the other hand has a lot of masturbation references. Which makes sense if you think about it, because punk music is tends to be juvenile and simplistic, and lets face it, most of the sex you have as a juvenile is going to be with yourself and it doesn't get any simpler than that. On a side note, I'm a pretty big fan of punk music. *wink wink*

Pop music sex references tend to be pretty vanilla and generic much like the genre itself. The references are there but they're tired and overused. Again, just like everything within the pop genre. Not a huge fan of pop.

Rap/Hip Hop or what ever the fuck it's called these days is the one that actually irks me the most on a sexual level. Having worked in strip clubs I've been subjected to a lot of this particular genre. If a rap song isn't about money, drugs or "thug life" then it's gonna be about sex. I don't know what it is about these artists, but I were to use lyrics as an indicator of their sexual ability I'd have to say that these guys don't know how to fuck at all. Most of the time the song is about some dude talking about how feels like some "bitch" should be sucking his dick and then how she's such a "ho" for doing it. Call me crazy but I have about as much interest in fucking a selfish misogynist as I do listening to selfish misogynist bragging about how much pussy he gets over a loop of plagiarized musi...oops, I mean a sample.

I'm not gonna go through every genre of music, but I am going to end off with my genre. I'm an artist of the goth/electro/industrial variety. The sex songs are dark, psychologically driven, explicit at times and tend to be of the kinkier variety. Which pretty much sums me up. But I'll let you be the judge. My music video Lapdance Romance is a toned down version of my animistic side. Enjoy!

A Whore No More!

I'm a whore. Now, I know that you may be thinking...

What the fuck?
Really?
Why would you even admit that?
That's not something you should be flaunting online for the world to see!

While I'm not someone who exchanges sex for money, I am a big old whore nonetheless. For the past few years I've earned an income as an interior designer and I absolutely HATE it. I dread going to work everyday. I dread dealing with clients, and I hate the industry in general. I just do it for the money.

I feel degraded every time I have to absorb my client's rants, complaints and verbal abuse, and I just  want to scream at them, 

"YOUR HOUSE IS JUST A THING! RENOVATING IT ISN'T GOING TO FILL THE VOID IN YOUR LIFE, AND IT WON'T MAKE YOU HAPPY! JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU HAVE SHELTER AND THE FINANCIAL MEANS TO IMPROVE IT!!!!" 

But I can't. It's not good for business, and the bottom line is... the bottom dollar. That is why I am a whore. I've let the bottom dollar control my life and it's made me miserable.

There is a light in all of this though. My life purpose is to create music and art and hopefully touch other peoples lives through my creations. I've decided to give up my "daytime whore job" as I've come to call it and dedicate my 9-5 time to making music and art full time! This is a huge leap of faith on my part because I'll be relying on my night job which is mostly tips to sustain me financially. I have faith and I am going to trust that all my financial needs will be met. 

I'm not religious, but I do believe that there is a Higher Power that will help me along my life path, and as long as I am being who I am supposed to be then I will be blessed in my endeavors.It's hard for me to admit sometimes that I am a person of faith because a lot of people will automatically label me as a religious kook. There's an extremely negative stigma associated with religion and it's hard for some to wrap their mind around the fact that one can have faith and not be religious. 

However, I digress, this post wasn't supposed to be about religion vs. faith, it was about me publicly announcing that I AM A WHORE NO MORE! What really excites me about this is that I'll be able to get so much more done, so much faster which means that you won't have to wait as long for the release of my album and music videos! In the meantime I'm offering a preview of a rough mix for We're All Whores which will be one of the tracks on my upcoming album. It sums up perfectly the trap that I think we all succumb to at some point in our lives.

Begging & Bragging For Votes

My music video Lapdance Romance is on the BEAT100 chart and I really need some votes to make it climb higher.

NOTE: To vote click on the blue link that says "View on BEAT100"  and then click the "Vote" button, or click here

My dilemma is how do I get my social media "friends" to vote for it without coming off as desperate and annoying. Truthfully, I know that of my 700+ facebook friends only a small fraction of them actually give a fuck about what I do as an artist and an even smaller portion actually enjoy the style of music I create. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to come off as cynical because nobody like a whiny little bitch, but how do I get people to care about what I do?

I hate begging because it's undignified and I hate boasting because I don't want to be a Kanyesque douche who claims they're a "big deal." However, how do I reach a wider audience unless I start acting like I am a big deal and asking for people to help me?

Should I just do it? Should I just Kanye it up and tell everyone I'm a big deal enough times until they believe it too? It seemed to work for him. Maybe I should make a bigger deal about myself. After all I am pretty talented.

Should I beg for votes? I mean really, marketing experts tell us that it takes 3 impressions of an ad for us to even take notice of it. Maybe I should advertise my video 3 times a day on my feed and make a heartfelt plea about how much it means to me to have my art supported.

At the time that I'm writing this blog entry I've received 15 votes from friends on facebook. It's kinda disheartening. I'd love to get more votes. The votes won't make me any money, but the higher I climb in the charts is another achievement that I can add to my bio which will in turn make me look like a bigger deal when I submit my music to larger market media outlets.

So fuck it! Fuck my dignity, I'm going to be shameless, PLEASE VOTE!!!!!

Album Update!

As many of you may know when it comes to my studio recordings, I'm essentially a one woman show. I write, record and produce everything myself with the exception of having a studio engineer when I'm recording vocals. It has it's set of advantages for sure. I get to have full creative control and don't have to deal with all the ego competition that goes along with having a band or butting heads with a producer over creative differences.

The disadvantage of doing everything myself is that it takes a lot longer.  I now finally have all of the vocals recorded, but now I am faced with the daunting task of having to edit vocals and pitch correct everything. It's hours, upon hours of mind numbing tedious work, and when I close my eyes at night all I see is waveforms. Don't get me wrong though, I love a challenge, and it's a great learning experience, and the more I do it the faster and better I get at it.

The good news is that all my hard work is paying off because I do have the vast majority of my rough mixes done for the album. I've decided to share a couple of my mixes with you. I've heard that it's a big no-no to post unfinished work on the interwebs, but I've never been one to follow the rules so, here's a couple previews of what I've been working on so far. Bare in mind they are ROUGH mixes so all the shit that gets done to them to make them broadcast quality hasn't been done yet.

The Origin Of Borg Queen

As I look back over the past 8 years I'm amazed at how something that began as an art therapy project has snowballed into this elaborate multi-media multi-disciplinary integrated art and music project I've named Borg Queen.

8 years ago I decided to get sober and that involved making some huge changes in my life which included leaving an abusive relationship. At the time I was working as a stripper after deciding the I just didn't want to use my artistic abilities to make video games. I know, sounds like a cool job right? Well, it was OK, and definitely a great learning experience, but I just wasn't passionate about it. So when my contract ended I fell back on my old stand by means of making money- exotic entertainment.

Some of you might be asking yourselves, isn't exotic entertainment just a PC or elaborate way of saying stripper? Yes, and no, but for me as an artist and performer I really truly enjoy entertaining people, and getting naked honestly just isn't that big of a deal to me. So for me, I consider my form of "Naked Halloween" to be exotic entertainment.

At that point in my life when this all began, I was just taking it "one day at a time" as the old recovery mantra goes, so I was just really grateful to be alive, free of abuse and sober. What I started to realize in my new sober state of mind was that my greatest educational experience was the lessons I was learning from being a strip...uh, I mean exotic dancer. No, seriously. Working in strip clubs has allowed me to study psychology, sociology, anthropology, business, economics, performance art and feminist studies all while making a decent wage.

I needed to do something to keep myself sane and sober between shows, so I decided to do a series of paintings based on the life lessons I was learning from my experiences as a dancer. What I didn't expect that while I was spreading the paint across the canvas was that I would start to hear music and chain together lyrics. I hadn't touched a music instrument in several years, but I dusted off my guitar and started writing songs again. I soon graduated to a USB keyboard and software synths. I named my little project Borg Queen because I love Star Trek and I felt that cyborgs are a great metaphor for what I do as an artist by merging organic and synthetic mediums.

Before I knew it I had written 10 songs and done 10 paintings! I'm calling this compilation of songs and paintings Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. It's been in the works for a long time now, but the end is in sight, productionwise anyway. So far, I've released a single and music video Lapdance Romance, and I'm really looking forward to the release of this album. I'm hesitant to give out any firm dates yet, but SOON...

Album Art For Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles

Depression: There Is Hope

In the wake of Robin Williams' death there has been a seemingly increased online conversation about depression. Depression is a topic that affects everyone, not just the sufferers, but this post is directed to those who are currently battling this all encompassing disease. I'm not anybody famous, or noteworthy. I'm just an artist telling her story. I've suffered from depression since childhood and I've learned some things about depression that I'd like to share.

1. It's OK That You're Depressed Right Now
Life has many seasons. There are ups and downs. It's OK and even normal to go through periods of depression.If you're struggling with depression right now, know that it's OK to be depressed. If this is where you currently are on you're life's journey then accept that this is where you're at right now is the first step to recovery.

2. Depression Is A Legitimate Medical Condition
I'm not going into too much scientific detail on this one, because it's a mainstream medical view that depression is a medical condition. Should a diabetic be overcome with guilt because of their medical condition? Of course not, and neither should you.

3.Your Illness Does Not Define You
No one single characteristic that you possess defines you. Your age, race, sexual orientation, religion, marital status, parental status, disability, career or medical condition are simply characteristics that make you more multidimensional, but not a single one of these things will add value or devalue your worth. Just because a person is blind for example doesn't mean that being blind is all that there is too them, and it certainly doesn't make them any less valuable. Similarly, being depressed does not devalue your worth as a person.  You are just as incredible, worthwhile and unique whether you're feeling wonderful or in currently stuck the pit of despair.

4. There Is Hope
You may not feel like there is any hope right now, but I promise you as someone who struggles with this illness, that there is hope and you are loved. You may say to yourself, but I have no one and I'm all alone, so how can anyone love me? Maybe you're not surrounded with the right people right now, but at some point in your life, if it hasn't already happened, you will be loved by someone. So hang in there. Love is worth living for and it will find you, but the first step to letting love find you is to learn to love yourself. Help is available and there are many people who do care, and have dedicated their lives to helping people suffering from depression. You don't need to suffer in silence anymore, so talk to someone, you'd be surprised at how supportive people really are.

Because this is my blog about my art and music I'm including an instrumental version of a song and the painting I've about overcoming depression called My Resurrection. My biggest reason for sharing my art with the world is that I know the power it has to reach people and touch them on a personal level. One of my greatest influences Trent Reznor is famous for writing songs about isolation and depression. Listening to his music has been therapeutic for me because it's made realize that I'm not alone in this and there are others out there who do understand. I've also posted some links at the bottom of this page to resources available to those suffering from depression.

Online Depression Resources - WebMD

Depression - Canadian Mental Health Association

Crisis Intervention & Suicide Prevention-British Columbia