Aaaaand...ACTION!

A couple weeks ago I started doing a government funded self management course for people who suffer from chronic health conditions. If you've known me for any period of time you would know that I have fibromyalgia plus have been struggling with PTSD for the past few years which comes with anxiety and depression. I'm not going to be going into that in this post though. What I do want to share is how doing this self management program is impacting my creative life. In this program we learn and practice a variety of strategies that help us positively manage our health conditions.

This post week we covered making an "action plan." According to the several health professionals who wrote this program action planning is probably the most important self-management tool. So what is an action plan? An action plan is an action you can take that is short term, doable and sets you on the road towards achieving a goal. In my program we set goals to enhance our quality of life.

Unsurprisingly, working on creative projects enhances my quality of life. So, while I do set goals that are specific to my physical condition, feeding my mental, emotional and spiritual health is equally important and very much complementary to managing my physical condition. A lot of why I've been creatively dormant for the past year as far as Borg Queen goes is that the goals I wish to accomplish within this project are rather lofty. It's not that I've had a creative block or lost inspiration, it's just that I've been battling the physical effects of my chronic illness which has left me with no energy to work on anything...or so I thought.

 What I've learned is that the secret of an effective action plan is to not try to do everything at once. Inside my head I imagine everything all at once, but the problem is that in the physical world I am not capable of doing everything at once, so I've just had to accept that I'm limited and have to work within those limitations. What I've been learning to do is look at what I can realistically accomplish within the next week and base my action plan on what I can realistically achieve.

 Another crucial point about the action plan is that it should be about something I want to do, not something that will please anyone else. So when making my first action plan in this course I asked myself, "Jenny, what do YOU want to do?" The reply was, "I really want to write the screenplay for 'A Bionic Holiday Ballad.'"

Of course with me being an obsessive workaholic and wanting to get it done as fast as possible, my initial action plan was pretty unrealistic. At first I wanted to get the whole thing written within a week, but that would have required me to write 20 pages a day. It's totally doable if I push myself and don't have any other distractions, but the likelihood of accomplishing it was 50/50. They say you need to be at least 70% sure that you can complete your action plan, so I asked myself, "what is a number of pages you KNOW you can write in a day?"

I settled on 5 pages a day because I wanted to feel like I was succeeding and not having to stress out about it. Man! What a difference it makes to set up a plan that is easily accomplished! It's encouraging. It fosters hope and builds confidence. Everyday I was able to exceed my goal of 5 pages and that made me feel pretty damn good about myself. I was able to get the screenplay done in 10 days! Getting it done in a week would have put unnecessary pressure on myself, and for what? It's not like I'm working for anyone but myself.

 So now that I've written the screenplay I've decided to turn "A Bionic Holiday Ballad" into a musical. I'm gonna be honest that the inspiration to turn this story into a musical is totally coming from my love of "A Muppet Christmas Carol." My version obviously is going to be darker and have a very distinct "Borg Queen" sound to it. My "Bionic Holiday Ballad" action plan for the week is to sift through the screenplay again and determine at which points a song would fit.

Old Jenny would have written an action plan for this week that would have included the aforementioned plan, plus coming up with song titles, plus writing all the lyrics in one week. Old Jenny would have set themselves up for a stressful week and would be motivated to complete their action plan out of a fear of failure.

 Fear can be an effective motivator, but it's not a sustainable one and the cost is too high. Fear is something that has motivated me a lot in my life. It's also cost me my mental and physical health. One of the things I've been practicing over that past year is to not allow myself to take action as the result of fear. I'm learning to take action because I want to, not because I'm afraid of the consequences of inaction.

 The protagonist in "A Bionic Holiday Ballad" is Elanor Sharp a parallel to Ebenezar Scrooge. Scrooge is a character that if you really start examining their motives for their heinous behavior, you start to realize that their primary motivator is fear. Fear is going to be a major theme that is explored in the character of Elanor Sharp and I'm going to incorporate my own experience with being a workaholic motivated by fear into that character. However, getting to know Elanor Sharp is another blog post for another day.

For now I'm just going to work on my action plan for this week and enjoy the process. If you enjoyed reading this blog, and want to stay updated with what's going on with my project, then sign up for the mailing list at the top of the page. I love hearing feedback from you, so feel free to leave a comment or if you have any questions about what I've written just shoot me an email at borgqueenmusic@gmail.com

Caught The Bug

I don't know if you know this about me, but Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation is my childhood hero, so naturally I'm super stoked for his return to the small screen in the upcoming spin off series Star Trek: Picard. Sir Patrick Stewart's brilliant performance is what made the character so beloved and influential to many people of my generation.

Now, with it being 2020 and myself an avid Picard/Sir Patrick fan I follow both accounts on social media. The other day I followed a link to an article in Variety featuring Patrick Stewart. The article kicks off  with  mention of Patrick Stewart's one man theatrical adaption of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. 

Is it a coincidence that I've been formulating my own adaptation of the timeless tale as well? Up until this point, my version was only ideas loosely woven together and I had yet to put pen to paper or more accurately fingers to keys. However, as I continued to read the article, there were some points that began to spark the motivation to start actively working on it that I had been lacking.

The first one was Sir Patrick assertion that A Christmas Carol is more relevant in our present time than ever.

...'Stewart believes that makes the piece more timely than ever. He characterizes “A Christmas Carol” as a “profoundly angry attack” on a society that treats marginalized people as subhuman. “Forget about Tiny Tim and all that stuff,” he says. “It’s a political document.” ' 

I personally couldn't agree more, and that's the direction that I will be taking with my version. The setting will be a dystopian future in which human rights have been curtailed back to the level they were at in Victorian London as a result of an oppressive capitalist regime that decimated democracy, equality and labor laws, paving the way for the 1% to rule the masses.

The second thing Sir Patrick said that hit home in the most personal way was, he described the impact acting had on his young life.

“Nothing bad could happen to me for the two and a half hours that we were doing the play, because I became somebody else,”

From a very young age I've loved performing and creating characters and worlds through various mediums for the same reason. Artistic expression is a safe place. It's somewhere I can go to be myself by being someone else. I don't have to be Jenny Kirby the chronically ill, domestic violence and multiple sexual assault survivor who suffers from PTSD. I can shed those afflictions and be the White Witch of Narnia or Elanor Sharp the genius bionics engineer. 

Elanor Sharp incidentally is the main character of my version of A Christmas Carol which currently has the working title of A Bionic Holiday Ballad. This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, but the magnitude of tackling a project like this has been daunting and too much to take on...until now. Working on this project will be the next phase in my recovery journey. Elanor is a workaholic with a privileged but traumatic childhood. There will be a lot of events that will mirror my own experiences as we take a trip with the Ghost of Holiday Past. 

I'm also going to be layering in some mental health metaphors particularly when it comes to what the ghosts symbolize. The Ghost of Holiday Past will represent depression. Holiday Present is will represent existing in a state of serenity and mindfulness and Holiday Future will represent anxiety.

This project is a huge undertaking that will be ongoing over the next few years, but it will spawn a whole bunch of new music(at least 2 albums) plus some new music videos, artwork and of course a film. While I do believe in coincidences, I'm taking the timing of  the Variety article and the words of Sir Pat Stew as a sign that it's time to allow myself to be infected by the bug again.

It's Lame AF And I Don't Like It

The mind is willing, not only willing but eager and bursting with ideas. However my body is uncooperative. I still have very limited energy reserves. Every day I tell myself, "today is the day I start working in something again," but to no avail. I run out of steam and can barely get through the bare minimum of things like feeding myself, making sure I go for a walk and go to my counselling appointment. 

Taking care of my most basic needs has to be the priority, so why is it so damn hard to have a shower and brush my teeth? It's unsatisfying existing like this, but on the plus side since I started doing things like taking walks, eating, cutting back my workload, sleeping and going to all my mental health appointments, I haven't thought about killing myself. 

I guess that's progress. I'm impatient though. I want to do more than just cope, but I'm not physically capable of it right now. It's a bummer to be sure because I thrive on achievement. While some are content to hang out and chill, I get antsy. Sometimes I wish I was one of those people, but then I wouldn't be me and I like me.

I keep telling myself to be patient and trust that the time will come for me to become a force of creative productivity again. Oh how I long for it! Creating is a driving force in my life. It's more fulfilling than any relationship and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I know I've driven some people away because of my extreme focus on my creative projects, and I do lament it on a very deep level. However, my drive to create runs deeper than any sadness I feel towards the loss of loved ones. 

That is just my nature, and I can't deny it. I refuse to moralize it too. Call me selfish if you want, but it's not selfish to know oneself and acknowledge one's needs. Just because I'm not fulfilled by family and relationships like a lot of people are, doesn't make me an uncompassionate monster. I just know who I am, and creating provides me with a sense of purpose like nothing else in the world.

Aside from the fact that the creative process fulfills me, what I love about it, is sharing it. I have a difficult time connecting with people in conventional social situations. I'm painfully shy unless I'm on stage, and I hate being touched(unless it's under a very specific set of circumstances). Talking and touching seem to be the most common ways people connect, but it's not my cup of tea, so I'm grateful that I have the option of sharing my art as a means of connection.

I guess I'm just feeling so frustrated and isolated right now because I don't have the physical capacity to do the things that give me a sense of purpose and connection. It's lame as fuck and I don't like it.

Rewiring Childhood

I haven't done anything artistically significant (by my own definition) in a while. Some might argue that working as a concept illustrator on Arrow for the past 2 years and and playing a show this past weekend are artistically significant, but by my impossibly high standards for myself I am doing the bare minimum. I spend most of my time in a state of introspection. I am working on healing my mind, body, soul and spirit. This is no easy task because for years I abused myself and have been subjected to the abuse of others. We all have, to varying degrees of course, but not one of us has come into adulthood unscathed. 

The ways in which we abuse ourselves are fascinating because the root is often not apparent. The origins of our self abuse stems from our childhood. Since many of us don't remember much from our early years, it may be hard to figure out where these destructive thought patterns which feed our destructive behaviors and toxic relationships came from. The point of discovering our dysfunctional origin is not to lay blame and absolve ourselves of responsibility, but rather to challenge those things that were said and done to us so that we can break the grip they still have on our lives today. We are essentially rewiring our brains by doing this.

I'll give you an example. My entire sense of self worth has come from the idea that I am intelligent, creative, artistically talented and capable of doing anything I set my mind to. This has hammered into me by my parents and affirmed by my teachers and peers. Even the kids who didn't like me and were super cruel to me still conceded that I was smart and talented. I may not have had friends, but at least I had a sharp mind and I could wow people with my artistic talents. As a result, I began to equate admiration with affection, but I rarely connected with anyone on a deep personal level. I never felt loved and accepted for who I was at my core. I derived my sense of value from my abilites and how much people admired me for them even if they didn't necessarily know me or even like me. I never learned to let anyone in and what intimacy really is. 

Now it's time to rewire. I'm beginning to see how years of placing my sense of self worth in my abilites isn't sustainable. In this stage of my life having a chronic illness and a host of mental health issues has diminished my ability to be this highly intelligent, extraordinary artist, who's a creative force to be reckoned with. I'm having to learn to derive my worth elsewhere and that's an uncomfortable place to be. I'm having to be compassionate with myself which is something I never learned in my childhood. I have to rewire that thought path in my mind that tells me "I have to exceed my previous achievements to have value." I'm working on changing that thought pattern to "I am enough as I am right now and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be." 

Nobody ever said anything like that to me as a kid so the thought had never occurred to me. The first time I heard it something along the lines that my worth doesn't come from my talents and abilities, I rejected it. I'm still having a tough time believing it, but I'm determined to change and grow. Change and growth takes time though. I have been making a concentrated effort to not do anything spectacular(by my old standard) yet still affirm that I am just as valuable, loveable and worthy of connection. Rewiring is hard work.

Mind Your Own Business

"Mind Your Own Business" was the topic of discussion this week in one of my recovery groups. I can't tell you specifically which fellowship it is because we agree to a policy anonymity. What I will say is the thing we all have in common in this group was that we have all been affected by someone else's substance use and in our attempts to help our loved one, we have neglected ourselves. So in this weeks meeting we shared our thoughts on what "Mind Your On Business" means and how we implement it in our own life.

For me, minding my own business is two fold principle:

1. Do Not Try To Control Others

Have you ever tried to change someone's mind? Were you successful? Probably not, and if they did change their mind it's because they chose to change their mind. They were likely presented with information that they considered carefully and then drew their own conclusions. Changing someone's behavior is even more impossible than changing someone's mind because the only person who change their behavior is themselves. We have a saying in my fellowship as it pertains to our loved one's substance use. "I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it." This mantra can be applied to literally every behavior, not just substance use. 

Imagine how much more time and energy you would have to make a positive impact in the world if: 

a. You stopped trying to change other people's behavior
b. Only tried to improve and regulate yourself

2. Take Responsibility For Myself

So, for me the second part of minding my own business is to define what is my OWN business. My first duty is to look after myself. This doesn't mean I don't care about others. It just means that my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health are my priority. 

As a parent I set a poor example to my children if I neglect myself. It's important for them to see a woman who respects herself enough to engage in a regular self care routine and set healthy boundaries. Witnessing this behavior at home teaches my kids that I am not here for their convenience and that bodily autonomy and mental wellness is paramount.

Setting healthy boundaries is a huge part of minding my own business and the biggest thing I've learned about boundaries is that they are about regulating my behavior and not someone else's. Here are some examples of my personal boundaries. Notice how all of them are about my behavior so that they are 100% enforceable by me.

1. I am responsible for managing my medical condition

2. I am financially autonomous, so that financial considerations won't dictate my relationship choices

3. I am not currently seeking an intimate partnership

4. My daily self care routine is a priority

Regulating my own behavior may not be easy, but it's a hell of a lot more effective than wasting my time and energy trying to improve another person. The great thing about boundaries that involve just myself is that I can change them at any time and not have to consult anyone else about it. When I mind my own business consistently, I notice an increase in my energy and peace of mind and this allows me to be more productive and contribute to the world around me in a positive way. 

I'll be honest for the past few years I did not mind my own business and paid the price heavily. I sacrificed my mental health and autonomy because I felt like minding someone else's business was the "right thing to do." I wrote my song Vampires out of the frustration I was feeling within my situation. Growing up female the message you're sent is that you are supposed to be nurturing, compassionate and self-sacrificing when it come to your family. While unconditional love and compassion are noble pursuit, they should never be used an excuse to accept a situation that is harmful to your health or dignity.

If you're interested in discussing any of these points further, feel free to shoot me an email because I'd love to hear from you borgqueenmusic@gmail.com

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Ups & Downs

Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

"Life is full of ups and downs" is what I tell myself when I'm in a slump. I find it helps me broaden my perspective and get unstuck when I find myself paralyzed by the effects on mental illness. If you're a fellow sufferer then you know the vicious cycle of feeling so shitty you can't seem to do anything proactive to change your situation which in turn makes you feel even more useless and shitty.

This cycle pretty much sums up my past week. I'm writing this post from my chip crumb filled bed and wearing my depression pants that really needed laundering 5 days ago. So, what happened? I was implementing a really consistent self care routine and starting to reap the benefits, then BOOM! I hit a wall.

First of all, I pushed myself too hard with working 12 hour days and making my Mummo's documentary. I didn't take the time to swim or meditate and my fibromyalgia flared up. Secondly, instead of stepping up my self care game, I let it slide completely. I started compulsively comfort eating, which made me even more tired. Being tired feeds my depression because I feel completely unmotivated to do anything beneficial for myself. Now I'm wallowing and feeling stuck, but you know what? I'm owning it because life is full of ups and downs and this is a down. Denying my feelings or feeling guilty about depression won't change what is. Owning my feelings and mental illness empowers me to make changes when I feel like I am ready to.

Sure there are things out of my control, like other people's actions and the fact that I was born with a neurotransmitter imbalance, and these factors sometimes make it difficult to cope. However, there have been times when I have been able to "rise above" my circumstances and experience serenity, contentment and even happiness. I just have to remind myself that it's ok to have bad days or weeks or even months. Hell, I've had bad years...2016-2018 I'm looking at you, but I've also had moments of joy and experienced contentment because life is full of ups and downs.

Remembering My Dearly Departed

I'm definitely experiencing grief right now. My Mummo, Meimi Lahti died April 3, 2019. She was 91 and had lived a good long life. While I am very sad that I'll never see her in this physical life again her death is by no means a tragedy. Still, I'm profoundly sad and it will take some time to process the grief and adjust to life without her.

I have to say that I'm definitely dealing with her death in a much healthier way than when my dad died. I've been going through a recovery process and part of that for me is acknowledging my emotions rather than burying them. When my dad died, I didn't even cry despite the fact that we were incredibly close. I didn't want to process his death. It was too much for me to handle at the time. It's taken years to let him go, but last year I finally was able to.

Because of the profound impact he had on my life and also the way I dealt with his death I want to base one of my upcoming Borg Queen projects on the way I dealt with his loss. I'm not going to go into too much detail, but needless to say it's going to be a massive project and I have a couple things I want to get done first.

If you read my previous post, you'll have heard the song I recorded in Finnish to honor my Mummo's memory. I wanted to do something meaningful and organically inspired for my triumphant return to working on Borg Queen stuff again. As you may know I was on a bit of a hiatus for mental health reasons. What you may not know is that while recording a new song I also put together a documentary of my Mummo's life. I premiered it this past Saturday at her memorial and it was a big hit.

The reason for creating is was multipurpose just like pretty much everything else I created. Firstly, I wanted to use my talents and skills to honor my Mummo's memory. Second of all, I did it for the rest of my family, especially my mom and brother. They helped me make it by narrating their experiences with my Mummo. Finally, I wanted to make something that people could genuinely enjoy watching at the memorial service. Ever been to a memorial and had to sit through a 20 minute slide show of every photo ever taken of the deceased? I know I have, and to be honest after the first 4 minutes it's boring as fuck. I didn't want to subject the guests to another boring slide show so I decided to make a documentary. At the very end I included my eulogy for my Mummo and my new song as part of the sound track. Here it is.

Borg Queen Resurrected

If you follow me and my artistic adventures, you may have noticed that my online activity substantially decreased. I'll be honest, I really hate social media and I only use it to connect with fans. I've had to put Borg Queen on the back burner since November 2018 because I was burnt out and in a really unhealthy place. My primary focus for the past several months has been recovery and establishing healthier habits and a self care routine, but I've also been working as a concept artist on the CW series Arrow. 

Though life is far from perfect and my circumstances haven't changed I've learned healthier ways of coping. Rather than bury myself with work and binge on my various vices I take time every day to swim and meditate. I've learned to ask for help rather than just try to do everything myself. I've stopped trying to fix other people's problems and focus only on improving and regulating myself. It hasn't been easy, and old habits are hard to break, but I've definitely noticed that I'm enjoying more serenity and obsessing less over situations that I have no control over. I'm slowly starting to come back.

A month ago my Mummo(Finnish grandma) died, and instead of stuffing my feelings I've allowed myself to greive and acknowledge the plethora of emotions that goes along with losing a loved one as uncomfortable as it may be at times. I decided that my return to Borg Queen should be gradual and organic and working through my Mummo's death has allowed me to return in exactly that way. 

I recorded a song in Finnish which is my first language. My Mummo despite living in Canada for 50 years never learned to speak English so if I wanted to talk to her it had to be in Finnish. My last moments with her were spent at her bed side singing a song to her in Finnish that I had sung at a Finnish Christmas concert when I was 4. The song was called Suojelusenkeli which means guardian angel. It was written by Finnish poet Immi Hellen in 1884 in a time when it was common for people to die in infancy and childhood. The song is about a child traveling in the dark abyss of the afterlife who is guided home by a guardian angel.

This Is Why

So if you follow this blog I wanna say thanks and provide and explanation for not posting for several months. There's a big long story as to why but the short answer is I've been battling ongoing depression and PTSD related anxiety as the result of sexual assault, physical and psychlogical abuse. I've had to put some things be the wayside just to cope this blog being one of them. I've withdrawn and become reclusive. As much as I've tried to put up a brave front, I'm crumbling inside. The temptation has been to resort to the usual forms of comfort and for me that's binge eating and drinking.

I wish I could share in greater detail what specifically has been going on, but it violates the privacy of my family. I will say that chronic illness, addiction, cancer, sexual assault, criminal and civil legal problems are some of the things I've been dealing with.

I've been neglecting Borg Queen as a result. I had some really big plans for the release of my music video Hedonist, but unfortunately just didn't have the energy to pull it off. I've been trying really hard not to be too hard on myself and just accept that this is where things are at right now. It's hard though in a virtual world of image crafting not to feel like your life is somehow falling short. I'm addicted to productivity and accomplishment and since June I haven't been able to do much of anything artistically speaking because I've had to turn my attention to self care.

I hope that if you take anything from this post, it's that self care isn't selfish. Just because you have a job or 3,  significant other, kids etc. doesn't mean you prioritize them before yourself. In fact, your well being is the priority otherwise over time every area of your life will begin to suffer including the relationships with the people you love the most. The analogy my therapist gave me is that when you're travelling with a child on an airplane and the cabin depressurizes, you must put on your own oxygen mask before you put one on the child. You must help yourself first before you can help others.

I'm not sure what the future will bring. Probably some decent artistic material though in light of the struggles I've been facing as of late. I'm not sure whe I'll start pumping out more content again, but in the mean time enjoy the creative fruit of some past traumas. Here's Hedonist. It's my victim impact statement for domestic violence and rape.

To get a FREE DOWNLOAD of Hedonist click this link and enter your email.

To Thine Own Self Be True

When I sit in stillness and call out to infinity

I ask, "what can I do to fulfill my purpose?"

The voice answers my cry every time and says, "Just be."

I was sitting on an old cedar log in the woods when the words above and below came to me. The tree that was now a rotting "nursery log" with new trees growing out of it got me thinking that no matter where we are in our life cycle we always have a purpose. So I scrawled down the words below, so I could turn them into one of those branded inspirational meme things that people seem to love(or hate).

The hardest part is knowing who you are. There are so many voices telling us throughout life who we are because of what we are. We get told by society, our parents, teachers and authority figures who we are and those early influences hold so many pre-conceived notions of who we are simply because of what we are. By what, I mean our gender, age, race, nationality, social status etc.

The second hardest part is figuring out what to do. The decisions we make in life are very much influenced by who we believe ourselves to be. If we've been influenced our entire lives by other people's opinions of who we are then what we do is also going to be determined by other people. See the problem here?

So let's go back to the "Who are you" question...only YOU can answer that. By who you are I don't mean what is your job title, relationship status, gender or race. Who you are is intrinsic. You can call it your spirit or soul or consciousness depending on your system of beliefs. The point is that it would remain the same if it were to be transplanted into another body, in another place and time. It is the essence of YOU! Nobody can tell you who you are. You just are. You are a unique individual and therefore you realize that just being who you are on your own is enough, it's time to decide where and how you're going to be your badass self.

There may be some limitations on what you can do or at least the capacity in which way you go about it. Those limits can be:

- Physical

- Circumstancial

- Technological

- Societal

- Personal

- Relational

- Financial

I believe the greatest limitation is the physical element of time. There simply isn't enough time to do everything we can or want to do. So the starting point in figuring out what to do could be to ask yourself, "What is the most worthwhile use of my time?"

There are a lot of things a person can do with their time, but determining which ones or the most worthwhile is key. I chose to be an artist rather than a lawyer or scientist because I felt it was a better use of my time. My ability to analyze, interpret and communicate could have been put to good use in the legal or scientific research fields, but I felt that in combination with my other skills and interests being an artist ultimately is a more worthwhile use of my time. 

Where we fulfill our life's purpose is one of those things in which we have the least amount of choice. We have no choice under what circumstances we are born. The country, moment in history, who are parents are and the choices other people make impact our lives and we don't have any control over those factors. Life isn't fair. Some of us are born into far more favorable circumstances than others, but no matter where we are in life, we can still fulfill our purpose as long as we don't lose sight of WHO we are. 

Like my blog? Then, you probably would enjoy my project Borg Queen. It's all my artistic and technical disciplines wrapped into one project that includes music, visual and performance art. Sign up to my mailing list and get 4 of my songs for FREE!

Being Normal

Sometimes I wish I could just be normal, but I can't and I never could. I tried it once when I was 13, and I sucked at it. My peers could see right through it, even though I dressed and tried to act normal so I could fit in, I was still an outcast. It's like I emanate this aura of weirdness that people instinctively pick up on. I'm ok with not fitting in, and being a weirdo. It's fine because I've been practicing the art of giving zero fucks for years now. Ironically the fewer fucks I give about people liking me, the more people like me.

When I say that I wish I could be normal, I mean that I wish I could just be content living a life of mediocrity and conforming to the status quo. I feel like if I could just be normal then my marriage wouldn't have collapsed and I would have closer relationships with my other immediate family members.  A life less ordinary has left it's scars, but then again no one gets out of this life unscathed.

It's weird, because I've done all that normal shit you're supposed to do without the intent of ever doing it. I've been married, reproduced and I own a home. I don't know why those are the things that as North Americans we strive to achieve. I'm certainly not content to just be a homeowner, wife and mom. I kinda wish I was, because I feel like life would be less complicated. I ask myself all the time, "Are all of those happy wives and moms on Facebook actually as happy as they claim to be? Is having a husband and children really that completely fulfilling for them?  Are their kids really their world? Why is it that other women can be perfectly content with doing the wife-mom thing, but for me it's not enough?" The answer is...

 I cannot exist without creating. I thought about this the other day as I was walking along the pier, at night, in the rain, by myself...having a conversation with an imaginary version of a friend. I don't mean an imaginary friend, but I mean a person that I know in my real life that I imagine to be there with me in that moment. Weird? Who knows, and really I don't care because it's how I figure shit out.

I asked the imaginary version of my friend, "If I were stranded on an island where I could survive, how would I occupy my time?"

He responded, "I don't think you'd spend your time making a home for yourself. You'd probably find a cave to live in, and that'd be good enough for you. I could see you making up a story, but not just writing it down. I could see you building entire sets with characters in them like a 3D comic book."

I was like, "Yeah! That's totally what I'd do! It mirrors what I do right now anyway. I don't spend my time at fucking Bed, Bath & Beyond shopping for housewares with my significant other on the weekend. I'm not a homemaker. I'm a world creator, perhaps at the expense of letting my domestic life crumble, but I can't help it. Even if I were in a situation where all of my material comforts were stripped away, I'd still be compelled to create."

So here I am. My domestic world in ruins and still creating. Normal? No. A life worth living? Hell yeah! My song Serial Killer from my new EP 'Blood Sweat Tears' is about living in an unorthodox domestic situation with an ex-partner. It's like a post-apocalyptic relationship where you're struggling to survive, and salvaging what's left.

Serial Killer is available as a FREE DOWNLOAD on my website

So what is normal? I mean, there's the status quo societal norms that we're all under some kind of pressure to conform to, but none us are really normal. Maybe we lead so-called normal lives on the outside, but on the inside is this whole different plane of existence. What I've learned about being normal is that your inside world is YOUR normal. Embrace it. The truer we are to living in our outside world as the person we truly are on the inside, the more content and fulfilled our every day life will feel, even if it's a big mess for the time being like mine is right now.

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Mommy Issues

Don't get me wrong...I love my mom. She is one of the most caring, self-sacrificing, generous and genuinely ethical humans on the face of this planet. It's a shame that we don't see eye to eye and that we're both incredibly stubborn and steadfast in our beliefs. She's a perfectionist like me. She wants more than anything to do the "right thing" to the point that she suffers from horrific anxiety out of fear that she's making mistakes. Now, her perfectionism stems from the example her mother set for her. My grandmother is also a perfectionist, paralyzed by fear and overly critical of herself and others. Are we seeing a pattern here?

So, the point of this post is not to bash my mom and grandmother because despite their flaws they've given me everything. I wouldn't own a house if it weren't for their generosity. I wouldn't have been able to get my first album off the ground if it weren't for the fact that my mom moved in with me and looked after my kids. Sure, she was critical as fuck about my lack of domestic skills. She was also incredibly vocal about her moral objections to the dark, macabre and sexual nature of the content I create, but she's a 64 year old conservative woman who's never even smoked a cigarette, so what do you expect?

I stopped giving a fuck about what people thought of me in my teens. At this point in my life I'd say I'm a master of giving zero fucks about people's opinions. It doesn't bother me that my mom isn't a fan of my work. It doesn't resonate with her, and that's fine. What my biggest mommy issue is, and this goes back to my childhood is that she misunderstands my intent. I can't even tell you how many times I got in trouble because she thought I was doing something 'bad' when my intent was to do something helpful. Like the time I drew some flowers on a poster she was making, or when I tried painting the backyard patio with crayons.

She had the tendency to attach a moral judgment to everything. I was a closet Madonna fan growing up because my mom naturally disapproved of her brazen sexuality, so when she caught me at 5am fashioning a cone bra out of tin foil she was really upset. She went off about how grieved she was in her heart that I would want to create something so vulgar and want to emulate someone so morally defunct as Madonna. Growing up in her domain meant that all actions were either good or evil and that was a reflection of our souls. Needless to say that I grew up with this image of myself being disapproved of at my very core because I could rarely get things "right" in her eyes.

Is it true that she disapproves of who I am on a very intrinsic level? Probably not, but it's a belief of mine that's been fostered since childhood. I don't blame her, but I wish things were different. I wish I could have been honest with her about what was going on in my life without fear of having a moral judgment attached to everything. I know that she wishes that we could have been closer too. I pulled away and I still do because I fear that she can't accept me. I feel like the truth of who I am would cause her too much stress and grief. I fear that she can reconcile the fact that despite my liberal views and unapologetic sexuality I still have morals...strong ones. I still have a strong connection to faith in something much greater than myself. I still aspire to using my talents and resources to make the world around me a better place. I wish she could just see the condition of my heart.

Lately she's really been making an effort to reach out to me. She's finally acknowledged that even though she doesn't "get" my art, she's glad that I've found an audience that appreciates it for what it is. She's been asking me for a while now to come visit her and spend some time together. Part of me really wants to, but I'm afraid to. We've never bonded, and I feel like at this point it's too late to find any common ground. I'm so used to keeping her at arms length. 

Something that I've really struggled with lately is the thought that one day she'll die, and I didn't make the effort to repair my relationship with her. The potential of this happening sooner rather than later is now becoming a reality. She ended up getting a blood clot in her leg last month and now the doctor thinks that she could have cancer. I'm terrified, not because she could die. Death is inevitable. If she died now, I would be consumed with guilt that I didn't try to make things better between us.

It's mother's day and I wish I had a better relationship with my mom. I wish I had a better relationship with myself as a mom. I wish I had a more positive view of other moms. Everything about motherhood leaves a bitter taste in my mouth because I have mommy issues. It's like the women who can't have a good relationship with a man because of their daddy issues. I have a tough time with mom stuff and getting close with other women.

My new EP has a song on it called 'Vampires.' It's about being a woman, being a mom and my general resentment of those roles within society. While 'Vampires' focuses more on the sociological role of women, I know that a lot of my resentment towards being a woman is rooted in my childhood and my relationship with my mom. 



I don't like to leave my blog posts on a sour note, so I am resolving to make the best effort that I can to reciprocate my mom's effort of reaching out to me. Like I said before, I don't blame her for anything. I'm the one who is responsible for how I choose to have a relationship with her, so I'm not going to push her away anymore because I feel like she doesn't get me. She doesn't have to get me. She gave me a life and that's enough.

For more information on my art and music project and to get 4 songs of mine as a free download visit my official website www.borg-queen-music.com

I Got To Be A 'Video Chick'

I'm a 90's teen and a huge entertainment staple back then was the music video. I love music videos and as a musician and visual artist they are my favorite medium for communicating artistic content. Growing up watching music videos in the I was enamored by the visuals which often included a 'video chick.'  Generally speaking these women were placed in the videos to be eye candy and it worked because who doesn't like looking at a beautiful woman? If Instagram has taught us anything, it's that people still like to stare at meticulously crafted visuals featuring hot women.

I recently had the pleasure of getting to work on the Edges Of Seven music video 'Cave Wall.' At first I was just going to do some behind the scenes stuff like wardrobe, props and scenic art, but then I was asked to be in it as well. I jumped at the chance because for starters I'm a HUGE fan of Edges Of Seven and it's secretly been one of my bucket list items as a performer to be in a music video that wasn't my own.

The character I play is a parody of an Instagram model. Being a long time wannabe video vixen, I found the concept to be deliciously ironic and couldn't wait to ham it up on camera. The eyes moving around in the creepy masks are mine too. So without further delay...HERE IT IS!!!

Burning Out

If you read this blog before, you'll have noticed that my posts have a mental health and psychology angle. As a content creator, I believe I have a responsibility to use my talents and influence for a positive purpose. Mental health is near and dear to my heart because it's something I've struggled with my entire life. I try to be as transparent as possible with my struggles and triumphs because I believe that the best art is honest, raw and unapologetic in nature. That being said, I have to confess something...I'm burning out big time.

The past 3 years has been a time of tremendous growth for me as an artist. I left behind a secure decently paid job as an interior designer to pursue a career as an independent artist. I've been burning the candle at both ends the entire time working 80 hours a week not just on my music and art, but also film projects and other creative gigs to help pay the bills(plus I'm a mom). My investment has paid off in many ways as I've been able to fund the completion of two albums and 3 high production value music videos. My fan base and visibility is constantly growing and I'm so grateful for all of the support I've received. However, my forward momentum has come at a very steep price...my health.

Because I have fibromyalgia my physical health is very fragile. Admittedly, I don't take care good enough care of myself for someone who has a chronic illness and even if I didn't have a medical condition I push myself too hard. If I'm to be perfectly honest, my obsessive need to be productive is a mental illness in an of itself. It's something I now have to address because I've reached my breaking point. I'm literally writing this post from bed because I'm completely incapacitated.

My life has become unmanageable and I need help. Thankfully I do see a therapist weekly for other issues and last week I finally admitted my desperate need to address my workaholism. I had to admit to that it has been a form of self-medication and a coping mechanism to keep me from falling apart during the breakdown of life as I know it. The thing about my drive and need to be productive is that it isn't negative if kept it check. My therapist likened my work addiction to a compulsive over-eating disorder. When some is a compulsive over eater the treatment isn't to abstain from eating entirely. We agreed that my drive to create and be productive is necessary for my mental well-being, but the trick is to strictly regulate my workload, and make sure that I engage in a proper physical self-care routine.

For the next little while I'm going to be taking a mental and physical health break to get my life back on track. I want to make it clear that I'm not quitting or giving up, but I do need to take a bit of time to just focus on getting healthy again. After I release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears April 30th, I won't be working on any new material until I've achieved a better work-life balance. I had planned to start working on 2 films that would feature my music plus a new album, but that will have to be put on hold...for now.

I might play the odd show here an there, so if you'd like to stay in touch be notified about when and where I'll be performing you can sign up for my mailing list here https://www.borg-queen-music.com/mailing-list-signup 

Mental Health Matters

My 2nd cousin died from an overdose a couple days ago. It's affected me in a very profound way even though I barely knew him. In fact, the last time I saw him was at his brother's memorial service 11 years ago. His brother incidentally died from an alcohol related accident. I'm extremely sad for their parents who have now lost two of their children, but I'm also angry. I'm angry because of the way we as a society stigmatize and treat people who abuse substances. We shame them. We blame them. We tell them things like "you're strong" and "you got this" and it's not helpful. If they were strong and could cope with their issues, they wouldn't be self-medicating.

Substance abuse and self-medication are a symptom of unchecked mental issues, and mental health is not just an issue for those who suffer from it's various conditions. It affects everyone. In a way, poor mental health is contagious. Being close to someone who suffers from poor mental health will eventually take it's toll on everyone around them. In my life right now the 5 people closest to me(including myself) are suffering from mental health issues. I know there's at least one person in your life that's dealing with something too. It may even be you.

"Mental health is a personal, relationship, family and community issue"

Personal

I have battled depression since childhood. The war against depression is not over, but I'm still here, so it means that I've won every battle so far. At least that's the way I like to look at it. So, if you're reading this and you suffer from a mental health condition it means that you're a warrior. I can tell you from personal experience that it's a lot more effective to fight a mental health battle with an army. If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health condition I strongly suggest seeking professional help. It may be one professional like a counselor or a team that includes a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist and/or social worker too. These professionals are experts in the field of 'broken people.' If your car is broken, you take it to a mechanic, right? You probably wouldn't just let it sit there and complain about it on Facebook. Well, maybe you would, but it wouldn't fix the car. The point is, seeking professional help is the first step to getting healthy.

I can also tell you from personal experience that multiple weapons for combating mental illness have more success in the long term than a singular approach. Medication may be helpful to balance brain chemistry, but so is regular exercise and proper nutrition. Relaxation techniques like yoga, deep breathing and meditation combat the physical effects of stress that aggravate mental illness. Having an emotional outlet is really important too. This could be talking to someone you trust or writing your thoughts feelings down. It's important to get them out. Personally, I see a counselor and I channel my demons into music and art. What I've learned over the years that I've had to fight my depression is the more weapons in my arsenal, the more successful I am.

Relationships

Relationship breakdowns usually involve mental health issues. It may be one or both parties. Any relationship I've had that's gone horribly wrong whether it be friendship, romantic or even business, poor mental health has played the biggest role. The thing about relationships is that they involve 2 parties and not just one, so even if one party is taking care of their mental health the relationship will still be toxic if the other party has unchecked mental health issues. 

The thing to remember about any relationship is that you are only responsible for yourself. If the other person in the relationship isn't taking responsibility for their own mental health, it's probably time to re-evaluate the relationship and put some boundaries in place to preserve your own mental health. Putting up boundaries is hard. Sometimes it means limiting or cutting off contact with a person you love deeply until they decide to seek help.The old saying is true, "When you love someone, you have to be willing to let them go."

Family

Is there anything more complicated than family relationships? Not in my experience. There's the hereditary component. Conditions like bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia are genetic. There's also the fact that these people influenced you in your formative years. They're largely responsible for the state of your mental health. That being said, they are not responsible for your behavior. That's on you. 

If a child grows up in an environment with caregivers who suffer from mental health issues, that child will grow into an adult with mental health issues. I love my parents and in general they were good people who had my best interests at heart, but they had their own set of mental health problems. I grew up in the 80's and 90's. Back then having "mental health issues" meant that you were institutionalized. There wasn't the level of awareness that there is now. 

Familial roles were also more rigid back then. Men were supposed to be strong, women were supposed to be supportive and children were supposed to remain quiet. This meant that men couldn't ask for help because they would be considered weak. Women were expected to put up with all kinds of bullshit at the expense of their sanity and self preservation. Because the parents remained silent, kids grew up with the idea that their parents wouldn't understand what they were going through. Everyone suffered in silence.

Times have changed thankfully. Many of us kids who were afraid to talk to our parents now have a much more open line of communication with our kids. It's important for a kid to have a "safe adult" to talk to. If a child opens up to you about something they did or how they feel, the best thing you can do is listen without judgement.

Community

There needs to be more resources within communities to support people struggling with their mental health. Mental health education from early childhood should be mandatory in school curriculum. We need to elect governments on every level that recognize this. If you're able to do so, make charitable a donation to a reputable non-profit society that offers mental health support and services. Finally, as individuals with in a community we need to stop judging each other. Every single one of us is going to be affected by mental health issues in our life time. Self-medication isn't just drug and alcohol use. Medication, can be food, sex, entertainment, spirituality, exercise, work etc. None of these "medications" are unhealthy on their own. In moderation they contribute to mental wellness. The thing to remember is the difference between medicine and poison is in the dose.

I know this post wasn't directly about my art, but as an artist my subject matter is inspired by mental health issues. I believe strongly that it's important to have a conversation with my audience about these struggles that we all face, so we don't have to face them alone.

The Spark. The Layers. The Release.

As a multidisciplinary artist who paints and writes songs, one of the most common questions I get is, "What comes first, the painting or the song?" The answer is neither. It's the concept that comes to me first. It's a spark that flashes within my mind and I feel compelled to communicate it as thoroughly as possible. Sometimes I'll write about it first, and other times I'll work on the visual aspect of it depending on my mood. There's so many layers to an idea and when I create it's through layers of paint and sound. Each layer has meaning and is an integral part to the entire piece.

This most recent series of paintings and songs is all about the layers. On the surface Blood Sweat Tears is woman venting about how her marriage and family life is falling to pieces and how she's coping through violent sex and workaholism. Deeper down it's about how we have a preferred self and a shadow self. When we face loss or some kind of tragedy we often revert to a shadow version of ourselves as a coping mechanism. 

My shadow self is something that I explore through my songs and artwork. In a way it's a confession of all the horrible feelings I held inside for years because I didn't want to let go. I called this series of paintings Blood Sweat Tears because it really is a wonderful symbol of the creative process. Blood is representative of life and intimacy. It's the fuel that feeds the creative spark. Sweat is the process of crafting all the layers and organizing them into songs and paintings. Tears are the release. Once the idea has been meticulously crafted, it's time to let it go into the world. It's a literal release of material into the marketplace, but also a form of closure to a chapter of my life.

If you've been following my progress for the past year or so, you should be aware that I'm mixing my literal blood, sweat & tears into my artwork. I've posted a few videos here and there of my process. To extract my sweat I would engage in a sweaty activity and then use paper towel to dry myself off. I then would then puree the sweat soaked paper towel in a blender and add the pulp to my sculpting medium. I essentially used the same process for the tears. To make myself cry I would watch the Star Trek: TNG episode 'The Inner Light,' which is the one where Picard lives an entire lifetime in 20 minutes. I challenge you to watch it and not cry.

Here's a video of my sweat extraction process.

Extracting blood, was something I agonized over a bit. I debated using menstrual blood, but decided against it mostly because I wanted "pure blood" free of all the other stuff that comes along with period blood like uterine lining, vaginal mucus and bits of tampon. I considered cutting myself, but I didn't want to promote self-harm in any way. Finally I found out that one of my friends draws his own blood when ever he has to give a sample for medical purposes, so I asked him if he'd be willing to help me out. By far this ended up being the best option because not only is it safe and sterile, but the viles are vacuum sealed and the blood stays fresh.

Here's a video of my blood extraction and the method I used to incorporate it into the painting.

It took several days to complete my first piece which is longer than it normal takes me if I'm just doing a painting. I had to wait for the plaster to dry between layers and I'm this was my first attempt at sculpting.

The end result was pretty cool. My "release" of the painting is me reciting the lyrics to the song as a dramatic monologue. Call me old school, but I believe words are very important in songwriting.

Here's the finished painting with my recitation of the lyrics.

I'm still running my pre-order campaign through Pledge Music and prints of the artwork as well as the EP are still available for pre-order until March 19th.

PRE ORDER TODAY!!!

Dance! Fuck! Rock! The DFR Factor

What is good music? It depends on who you ask and their answer will be based upon an entirely subjective opinion. Admittedly there are musicians who possess technical excellence when it comes to their instruments, but it doesn't necessarily mean that their music sounds subjectively "good." Today's blog post is about my criteria for determining whether a song is enjoyable in my opinion.

First let's talk about the difference between good and enjoyable music. So, what's the difference between good music and enjoyable music? I'll give you an example from my life. I get a lot of flack when I have a conversation about music and admit that I am not a fan of Tool. This shocks people because there would appear to be a positive correlation between people who like Nine Inch Nails and Tool. So many people have made the incorrect assumption that since I enjoy Nine Inch Nails then I must also be a Tool fan. Now just because I don't enjoy their music doesn't mean that I think it's bad. On a technical level it's incredibly well constructed and the musicians are very accomplished at their craft. I can appreciate their music on that level. The difference for me is that Nine Inch Nails has the DFR(dance fuck rock) factor and Tool doesn't.

For me to enjoy a song, it has to grab me and make me want to dance, fuck or rock out. If a song makes me want to do all 3 then it's a 'perfect song' subjectively speaking.

Dance

By dance, I don't necessarily mean the type of dancing that's done on a dance floor of a night club. I've been dancing since I was 4 years old. It's a form of emotional and physical catharsis for me. For a song to make me dance I have to "feel" the movement within the rhythms and melodies. It has to evoke a feeling for me to want to express through physical movement.

Fuck

A song doesn't have to be about sex to be sexy. Kick drums that sound like heartbeats, snares that sound like whips, whispered lyrics contrasted by melodic screams, penetrating synth and guitar lines. That's the kind of sonic debauchery that makes me eargasm. Songs that people find sexy are as diverse as our fetishes. Songs that make me want to fuck need to have a good groove and are generally between 95-115 bpm. I know it's super cliche, but Closer by Nine Inch Nails still hits all of those notes for me(pun intended).

Rock

Well, this one is pretty self explanatory. Does the song make me want to jump into a mosh pit, jump up and down and smash my sweaty body into other sweaty bodies? If the answer is yes, then it's a winner in my books. People might say that rock is dead, but my desire to rock out hard will never die.

That's my criteria for determining whether I like a song or not. It's not right or wrong, it just is. So, what makes you enjoy a song?

UPDATE: On May 1st, 2018 I release a throbbing gritty EP consisting of 5 solid tracks of DFR. This is the title track from the EP which is available in digital and physical format thorough my website.

If Only

Chronic pain and depression are the cruelest mistress for the body that craves movement and the soul that desires to live life to it's fullest. This is my daily struggle.  I'm not looking for pity. Pity is counter productive. Pity reinforces the justification of remaining idle and not seizing the day. It may take 2-3 hours every morning of slowly stretching my body to the point that I can get my ass moving, but it eventually does happen.

I guess what I resent most about having fibromyalgia is that managing it to the point where I can function and be productive uses up a lot of time. As a self-employed artist, who makes a living off various art-related income sources, time management is crucial. Time after all is our most precious commodity and I really hate that managing my pain takes up a very significant portion of my day.

There's a battle going on between my body and my mind. I have to resist the urge daily to lose myself in the "if only" mentality. "If only I didn't have fibromyalgia. If only I had more money. If only I was younger and had more energy. If only I had more time to dedicate to creating." Everybody has an "if only" that gets in the way of their path to happiness. It's not my health or financial situation or lack of time that are the obstacles to happiness, it's the trap of "if only." It's the lack of contentment that is the real obstacle. "If only" is a cop out. It legitimizes being miserable. 

So how do I avoid the trap? First of all, letting go of entitlement is key. No one is entitled to be happy. In fact, entitlement is the first step down the path that leads to misery. So instead of entitlement, embrace gratitude.

Secondly, I need to accept that no one is immune to hardship, pain and obstacles. Instead of viewing them as unfair, they need to be viewed as an integral part of human existence. Once you get over the "unfairness" it's a lot easier to cope with the difficulties that life throws our way.

Finally most importantly, pay it forward. We've all been blessed with something we have in abundance. It may be talent, or time or money. What it is doesn't matter so much as what we do with it. This one is a spiritual principle for me that has never let me down. Whenever I give, I am never left wanting. Whenever I let go, I never lose. Try it for yourself. I promise it works.

What Matters Most

Life is not without it's challenges. As a privileged North American, I've grown accustomed to living a life of convenience. Our entire economy is driven by industries who pedal products and services aimed at making every interaction in our lives more convenient. Obviously, this has it's advantages, but there is a serious problem that has arisen from it. We have come to view challenges not as an opportunity for growth, but rather see them as grave injustices that we don't deserve to be subject to.

In the past week I've encountered some very significant challenges. Specifically, I'm being drawn back into a legal battle with my ex husband for the 4th time since I left him. The timing couldn't be worse. I'm due to release my new EP Blood Sweat Tears in March and there are several costly steps involved in that process. Having to go to court again is going to deplete my resources, and I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to get everything done in time for the release. Going to court costs money and time. The financial cost is an annoyance, but what really pisses me off is the amount of time I'm going to have to dedicate to dealing with a person who seemingly takes a perverse pleasure in making my life more difficult.

This is where my resolve begins to falter and I am tempted to adopt a victim mentality. I ask myself over and over again, "Why can't he just leave me alone? Is it not enough that he controlled my life for 7 years? Is it not enough that he has never had to face the legal consequences of inflicting violence one me? Is it not enough that he is still able to control me to some degree through our son?" While it is a fact that I was a victim of his physical and psychological violence, I cannot allow myself to become a victim of my circumstances. Is it fair that I have to keep dealing with someone who has abused me for years? No, but life isn't fair and I shouldn't expect it to be fair or easy.

I am discouraged at the moment, but I cannot allow myself to wallow. I have to remind myself of the things that really do matter and let go of my attachments. Because I let go of my attachment to money several years ago, the financial repercussions of this legal battle aren't something that I'm going to worry myself sick over. What I am really struggling with is the time I'm going to have to sacrifice. I feel like my time could be better spent working on my EP release.

Ultimately it's my attachment to my identity as an artist that I need to let go of. I'm angry because I've worked so hard up to this point and I feel like it's all falling apart at the most critical moment. What I really need to remember is that my identity as an artist is not what matters. What matters is how I use my art to affect the world around me. Being an artist doesn't matter unless it has a positive impact on people's lives. Period.

I am grateful for an upcoming opportunity that I have to exhibit my art at the Taboo Show in Vancouver from February 2nd-4th. I'm sure my ego will be stroked by the experience and I'll make some money from selling prints, but what matters most is the connection I'll make with people by sharing my story of Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles. It's a story that I chose to share with the world because I wanted to give people hope. I want show them that their value is not determined by their job, social status, abilities or wealth. Value is intrinsic and no person or life circumstance can take that away.

Follow this link for more information about the event

Letting Go Of Bullshit Attachments

Ahhhh Monday morning! Unlike a good portion of the working population, I quite like Mondays. Mind you, I am fortunate enough to do something I really enjoy, and I generally work from the comfort of my own home. Working in my pajamas is something I try really hard not to take for granted because there was a time, roughly about 2 and a half years ago when I used to drag myself to my interior design job and ask myself over and over again "Why am I still here?"

The reason was fear of losing my so-called life because I had formed attachments to a bunch of stuff within it. After all, working a 9-5 for an established company afforded me financial stability to do all that adult shit we're "supposed" to be doing like getting a mortgage, having a family, owning a car etc. It's an ideal so ingrained into North American culture, that if we don't acquire these things by the time we're 30, we've been programmed to feel like we've failed in some spectacular way. The reality of it is, it's all fucking bullshit! The house, the car, the picture perfect family is all an illusion of happiness. I can say that as someone who briefly succumbed to following the status quo rather than her dreams.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Even the family?" Hell yeah, even the family! When you have a family, it's not something you possess, it's 2 or more relationships in very close quarters that require a significant emotional investment for decades of your life. In the case of children, it's a very one-sided relationship with a rapidly changing human that you may or may not be compatible with. Not to mention you're morally and legally responsible for this ungrateful developing person for at least 18 years. The bottom line is that family relationships are hard work and not the picture perfect Hallmark card-Anne Geddes baby-HGTV bullshit we've all been fed our entire lives. Anyway, I digress...The point is, that none of that stuff will bring happiness or satisfaction unless you have already learned to be content on your own and without any assets to your name.

I know it to be true because the happiest moment of my life was 12 years ago shortly after I left my first husband. I had nothing. I let him keep all the stuff. I was living well below the poverty line in a modest rental house with my mom and 3-year-old son. By all North American societal standards I was a failure. Except I wasn't, because I was still me. In fact, after letting go of all my attachments, I was more me than I had ever been before. It was in that moment that I began to paint again. This painting you see below is what I painted. 9 more followed and became the series known as Sex, Drugs & Shiny Brass Poles.

Then I dusted off my guitar that I hadn't touched in years and began to write music and lyrics again. That place of zero attachment was where I gave birth to Borg Queen. Letting go of all that other bullshit left me with just myself. I had to learn to be ok with just myself, flaws and all. I had to accept my situation and not allow myself to feel entitled to a so-called "better situation." I had to learn to live in the present and work with the resources within myself.

I'm not saying that all that adult stuff like a house, a car and family is a bad thing or makes a person less enlightened in any way. I'm older now, and I have accumulated some adult stuff along the way like a house, car and family. I'm grateful for what I do have, but those things do not make me a success. In fact, I have to be very wary not to form attachments to them. If I use them as a measuring stick to determine my worth, I lose sight of the place within myself which is where my true value and happiness lies.

I learned to be content in my current situation, whatever it may be. I have to carry that lesson around with me and remember to be grateful for what I do have, whether it be a little or a lot. Currently the fact that I'm sitting here writing this in my pajamas and afterwards I get to work on some new music for my upcoming EP after I go swimming, is a helluva a lot to be grateful for.